

Here Are 7 Telling Traits Of A Serial Ghoster
It has been almost four years now (y’all, where does the time go?!) since I wrote a piece for the platform entitled, “I Was 'Ghosted' By My Best Friend.” Although I personally don’t do social media, I do check in on different accounts from time to time and I recall some people saying in the comments of one of ours that if a BFF ghosted me, we were never friends, to begin with. Yeeeeeah, I beg to differ because I know parents who have “ghosted” their children, spouses who have “ghosted” their partners, long-term people who have "ghosted” their relationships, and yes, friends — genuine friends — who have “ghosted” their friends.
To me, the thing that I think isn’t discussed enough is the kind of people who are serial ghosters (folks who run more from and avoid situations rather than dealing with them head-on). Because when the traits of ghosting are in you, it really doesn’t matter what kind of relational dynamic you are in — more times than not, when it gets to be too much for you (whatever “it” might be), you’re gonna “get ghost” regardless. Therefore, it’s up to the rest of us to know what the signs of ghosting look like, so that we can decide how deep we want to go with these types of individuals.
That said, it is from both my personal experience along with the observation of other individuals and their relationships, that I’ve come up with seven pretty spot-on indicators of a serial ghoster — ones that can spare you a lot of pain or at least shock, should someone like this decide to up and ghost you one day (hey, it happens to the best of us).
1. Vagueness
Just so we’re all on the same page of what I’m talking about here, one definition of ghosting is “the practice of ending a personal relationship with someone by suddenly and without explanation withdrawing from all communication.” And you know what? If someone has done this to you before, I’m willing to bet some pretty good money that, whether it was when you were first getting to know them or towards the end of the relationship, you picked up on signs of them being vague. You’d ask questions that wouldn’t get direct answers. You’d inquire about things that, while they were all for you talking about them, they had little to say.
While in some areas, you felt close to them, in others, the two of you couldn’t be more distant. And if you really think about it, wouldn’t a ghoster being vague about stuff make a lot of sense? Because if you’re not being clear or direct about your feelings, thoughts, or actions, that typically means that there are some walls up. And if that is indeed the case, that makes it easier to up and one day just…vanish.
2. Inconsistency
People who know me know that if there is one thing that I loathe — LOATHE — it’s inconsistency. Shoot, I’d rather you be consistently mean as a bat than sweet as pie on Monday only to drastically switch up on Wednesday. Consistent people can be trusted (even if that means, as Regina King’s character said in A Thin Line Between Love and Hate, “trusting you to be you”) because you know what you’re dealing with and there is something that is super refreshing about that. That said, serial ghosters lack consistency. One day, they are “all in” the relationship, and the next, they are trying to gaslight you into thinking that you are “doing the most.”
What you need to always remember when it comes to this particular point is consistency speaks to character and reliability. If you can’t say, without absolute certainty, that someone is reliable in your eyes, something is “off” and ghosting is definitely a possibility.
3. Selfishness
How selfish people have friends is beyond me, chile. Because, how are you able to maintain anything if the only thing you really think about is yourself? And yet, I bet if you really “sat in it” for a moment, you could think of at least three people in your world — whether it’s personally or professionally — who are selfish like a mug. Case in point — I know a guy who knows how to charm the pants off of just about anyone to the point where, until you really get to know his core, do you even pick up on how selfish he really is? But boy, be in a jam where you need his help and watch him go from kind and funny to a total assh--e if he can’t find a way to rationalize helping you to benefit him (for instance, posting on social media what he did, so that everyone can think he’s a hero).
Those of you who are fans of ghosting may not choose to see it this way (and that’s fine), but I don’t see how ghosting isn’t a selfish act. If you are in a personal relationship with someone and you suddenly remove yourself from the situation, surely you don’t think that the other person is benefitting from that; surely, the only person who you’re actually considering is yourself. And while you might want to rationalize that it’s a form of self-preservation, stating where you stand,setting boundaries, and/or removing yourself from the situation is the far more mature approach. If you don’t believe me, tell me how mature you would think it would be of someone to up and, out of nowhere, ghost you.
4. Non-Committal
The former friend that I referred to at the beginning of this? After doing some shady stuff in her marriage and then telling me during that time that she’s not sure if she’s ever really loved anybody, I really should’ve taken all of that to heart because what she was really saying is she struggles with commitment — and someone who rolls like that? They most definitely have the potential to ghost you. And here’s the thing — anyone can feel the wrath of a commitment-phobe. I mean, just think about it. Commitment-phobes run from deep emotional attachments. Commitment-phobes don’t like making long-term plans. Commitment-phobes never really let you know where you stand with them. Commitment-phobes act like accountability is “suffocating them.” Commitment-phobes are hot one day and cold the next. If just reading this caused you to immediately think of someone in particular, that’s not by happenstance. Your conscience is trying to alert you to the fact that you just may have a serial ghoster in your world. For the sake of your heart, don’t take that lightly.
5. Perfectionist (Kinda)
You might not’ve seen this one coming, but just hear me out. Have you ever paid attention to how people who ghost others talk about the situation? It’s usually something along the lines of, “I don’t have time for that BS. I deserve better.” Yeah, one day, sooner than later, I’m gonna write an article about how deserve is earned, by definition of the word (“to be worthy of, qualified for, or have a claim to reward, punishment, recompense, etc.”) and a lot of people are out here talking about what they “deserve” while thinking that they shouldn’t treat others in the way that they would like to be treated. And you know what? Anyone who says that they would prefer to be ghosted is lying. I don’t care how much a ghoster ghosts other people, it’s usually not until it’s done to them that they realize how utterly disrespectful it can be.
Anyway, let me get on to my point about this trait of serial ghosters — watch out for people who hold others to a bar that they don’t even keep themselves. It’s like, no matter what you do and how hard you try, to them, it’s never good enough; yet somehow, you should accept whatever crumbs or fickleness the ghoster offers you. Yeah, don’t even get me started on how a lot of ghosters are also narcissistic as hell (check out “3 Warning Signs You're In Love With A Narcissist” and “What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?”). For now, I’ll just say that some ghosters will justify ghosting on the grounds of someone not being “good enough” to them when they are actually not all that impressive in the relationship their damn selves. Yeah, people who are ego maniacs or who lack humility typically have no problem with ghosting folks. Watch out for them. That kind of arrogance is dangerous.
6. “Passionately Shallow”
Another trait of a serial ghoster is the fact that they tend to be quite charming. Yet, strangely enough, at the same time, no one can really say that they know them. Not when it comes to anything of any real depth or relevance. A part of that is because, again, oftentimes ghosters have huge ego issues which is why they don’t want to face issues head on — they would rather run than really deal with things because dealing requires revealing.
Also, serial ghosters don’t usually care for anything deep and meaningful. As long as stuff can remain on the surface, that’s comforting for them because shallow doesn’t require very much intimacy. So, while they may be all about making sure that you have a good time, if you are looking for something heartfelt or long-term, they are probably going to disappoint you — more times than not.
7. Reactive Instead of Proactive
Last one and this is a biggie. Because of all of the other traits that I just shared about serial ghosters, please hold close the fact that they usually are not very proactive as it relates to maintaining relationships. They aren’t spending a ton of time trying to figure out how to support you, meet your needs or keep the relationship going for the long haul. They would rather disappear and come back and apologize (usually when they want something else or more from you) than show up on the front end of…just about anything. And because they are this way, it means that, with a ghoster, 8.5 times outta 10, you are going to be doing most of the work. And you know what? 9.5 times outta 10, it’s never worth it in the long run.
An author by the name of J.M. Darhower once said, “Worse is loving someone who disappears and never knowing if they’ll come back. Because how do you move on if you’re not even sure they’re gone? The answer is—you don’t. When you spend most of your life chasing ghosts, eventually, you become one.” This is absolutely why I wrote this article — so that you don’t allow the destructiveness of serial ghosters infect you to the point that you become one of them.
There are other more mature and responsible ways to handle relationships, even when it’s time for them to come to an end, than ghosting. If you’re constantly being ghosted, please raise your bar. If you are a serial ghoster, please seek help. There’s nothing admirable about vanishing outta people’s lives and karma tends to handle ghosters with a vengeance. Never say that you weren’t warned.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Here's How To Host Your First Dinner Party, According To TikTok's Viral Dinner Host
If you haven’t scrolled upon Olivia McDowell's TikTok famous dinner parties, you may need to reconfigure your "For You Page."
What began as a passion for hosting aesthetically themed meals for her closest friends has quickly become a viral sensation. With an astonishing 12 million viewers, women describe Olivia’s picturesque dinner parties as the “dream girls' night,” complete with classy cocktails, beautiful table settings, elegant outfits, and, most importantly, food plated to perfection.
Seemingly reigniting the feminine urge to host fancy dinner parties, Olivia has perfected the finer details. Overlooking the skyline in her beautiful NYC apartment, she never fails to make her signature handmade pasta dishes while simultaneously looking effortlessly chic in the wardrobe of dreams while doing so.
@oliviaamcdowell Replying to @nara0630 what should the theme of my next dinner party be? #minivlog #nycliving #dinnerpartyideas #caviarinnewyork
What I love most about hosting intimate dinners for close friends are the connections and relationships that form over food. They don't require a caviar budget with a high-rise apartment, it just takes determination and a little creativity. Watching Olivia’s journey inspires viewers to be a part of a community of positive and uplifting women who share common interests and tastes in food, fashion, and decor. Simply stated, she’s raising the bar of friendship goals.
If you’re aspiring to host a holiday-themed dinner party this season, check out the four tips that will guide you along the way.
Choose Your Theme
@oliviaamcdowell Replying to @emz.life.tsv what was your fav part? 🤍 hope this gives you some inspiration to host a fancy friendsgiving too! #hostingtip #dinnerparty #pastamaking
Set the ambiance with a thoughtful theme, which will indeed be your guiding light for less stress during the planning process. Establishing a theme sets the tone for everything else to fall in place, such as menus, table design, and presentation. For example, a holiday-inspired dinner party is a perfect occasion for elegant all-white decor paired with draped table cloths, pillar candles lit atop luxe holders, floating floral arrangements, and, for a personal touch, handwritten place settings.
Utilizing free resources such as Canva for menu templates and creating a “Dinner Party” moodboard via Pinterest is perfect for gathering dinner inspiration for themes, decor, and recipes for the special occasion.
Simplify the Menu
@oliviaamcdowell How to host your own pasta making dinner party — part 1: pasta making from scratch 🤍 Hosting dinner parties has become my favorite thing to do this year. More goes into it than you expect, the prep, planning, guestlist, tablescape, etc. but it’s always worth it in the end. What do you guys want to see next? #hostingtips #dinnerparty #pastamaking
Don’t overcomplicate the menu. A simple dinner party formula to use as your guide to making sure your guests leave full of food and joy is appetizers, salads, entrees, sides, desserts, and beverages. As a starter, assemble an aesthetic spread that your guest can nibble on while awaiting the main course with starters such as bread, cheese, jam, nuts, and fruit. A simple salad will do, complete with a light dressing right before your entree. For a main dish, pasta recipes always go a long way and also allows your guests to interact with one another, which leads to McDowell's third dinner party hosting tip.
Include an Interactive Element
@oliviaamcdowell Replying to @itstai.tv 🥹🖤 #girlhood
To break the ice and encourage guests to get to know one another, introduce interactive elements to the evening. Moments of interaction allow everyone to connect, like capturing content for social media or memorializing the essence of the night through fun Polaroids. Olivia also encourages her guests to participate in the pasta-making dinner process as a group, or if hosting a brunch, her friends indulge in building their own coffee bar as an opportunity for forming connections and conversation starters. Group board or card games are also great for laughs and healthy competition to help get the vibes flowing.
Don’t Forget the Dress code
@oliviaamcdowell Replying to @samantha_mendiz when all of your friends are the main character 🖤🥂 #dinnerparty #nycfashion
Tis’ the season for glamour and sparkles, so why not go all out with a super chic dress code? You can’t have a picture-perfect holiday dinner party without the coordinating attire to match. When planning, make sure to make the required attire specific yet broad enough for a range of personalities and preferences to comfortably partake while looking stunning doing so.
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