What makes a genuine girlfriend?
It's a question often asked, but rarely answered in the best way. To build a lifelong relationship with a group of girls, how does that work?
Like most, I've had my share of failed friendships. In high school, I had so many different groups of friends that it was hard find someone who liked me for me. In college, as a biracial young woman in a historically white sorority, I didn't know if anyone would truly understand me, and being an independent woman in the South, where I'm at the age of getting married and having babies, who will truly support my career aspirations?
My journey to solid friendships have been littered by fakers, posers, and users. If you're any sort of decent person, and especially when you're younger, it can be hard to tell who has your best interest at heart and who's there for the glory.
As you get older and get hurt by life, it can be a bit easier. Right after college, I realized the importance of having people to depend on. There I was, 22 with a slew of "friends" but absolutely nobody to talk to. Sure, I had some childhood friends, but we hadn't spoken about real-world stuff in years; there were my sorority sisters, but did they really care about the ups and downs of my mediocre life? Sure, we all got drunk together at mixers, tailgates, and various functions, but did they even see the world like I did?
Not everyone in your circle is beneficial for your growth.
I found myself alone in a sea of people, something I never understood until that moment. That's when I started taking inventory of my friend stock. Who was really there for me? Who was just using me for good connections or a place to stay for the weekend?
Let me start by saying this: women aren't bad. I'm not writing this article to bash women and the relationships they have. I'm merely stating that not everyone in your circle is beneficial for your growth.
Thankfully, there are like-minded women out there who are looking for equally fulfilling friendships, but first, you have to recognize who should be a part of your circle and who you may need to let go. Here are three things to look for when building your tribe of women who empower you to be your best you.
Your tribe should be a manifestation of your spirit.
I spent way too much time giving to my friends, making sure they were supported and fulfilled in their own journey without asking for the same in return. Because, after all, isn't friendship about giving and not expecting to receive?
In time, I began feeling like I was on a one-way street of friendship. I was focusing more on giving than getting, so I stopped giving. I took a break to see who cared, who reached out, and who actually asked me how I was doing in the world.
It was during that time one of my closest friends wrote a letter to me and, without prompt, stated, “Don't change who you are, just change the company you keep." That may seem like a 'duh' notion now, but when I got this letter it was the equivalent to a lightbulb moment.
You see, when you continually give, you get to the point where the costs outweigh the benefits. You don't want to keep caring when you feel others don't. That's the wrong way to look at it.
Instead of giving to those who aren't deserving, give to those who appreciate it.
Your tribe should be nurturing, the place you go when the world has beat you up so bad, you don't know up from down. They should be empowering, enough to get you back on the horse when you've fallen and lost your way. They should be supportive, cheering you on at every moment on every positive journey. They should fill your spirit each and every time you speak with them.
Your tribe should be honest.
This is a hard one as it also requires you to be honest with yourself. Girlfriends should not only be able to tell you when your dress is not the right fit for your body but also when the guy you're dating is using and abusing you. Your girls should be able to, and want to be, honest with you in every aspect. I had a lot of 'yes' friends growing up, ones that didn't really care about where I ended up, so they just told me what I wanted to hear. That got me in a lot of trouble. It led me down a path of not knowing or loving myself, a hard path to get off when you're a young woman.
Focus on women who tell you the truth, be it brutal or otherwise. A friend who has enough balls to tell you something you don't want to hear is a friend worth keeping. Once I had a friend who refused to listen to her friends. She chose to believe the lies she was being fed from her long-time boyfriend and distanced herself from everyone trying to help her. Shortly after that, she got a STD from said boyfriend after finding out he had been cheating on her the entire time and all of her friends were right. I've always taken that with me, because if you trust your friends with your clothes, hair and decor opinions - you should trust them with your life, too. If you don't, find someone you do.
Your tribe should not be judgmental.
We're all guilty of judging someone else and their actions, friend or not. A bit of judgment will always be there because it's a part of human nature. What you don't want is a friend who tells you one thing, then blabs to mutual friends about the 'horrible' or 'stupid' things you're doing. We've all had friends like this, and some of us still do. Those people are best kept at a distance. If you think of your life as a theater, they should be standing room--only available when another might be occupied.
I had a toxic friend like that for years. I was never sure what I did that made her so venomous to me when talking with others, but it never stopped.
It gave me severe anxiety and made me doubt my abilities as a friend because I couldn't figure it out. But, the answer was simple: She didn't love herself enough, so of course she couldn't love me. Some people are just that way. Their judgments come from doubting or even hating themselves, which is only going to filter into your life the same way. Choose friends who don't hold judgments against you, that allow you to make mistakes and learn lessons without constantly reminding you of who you were.
Friends are meant to represent different sides of your personality, different realms of your life. Girlfriends, especially, should not only represent those but challenge those realms. They should listen when you say you're hurt; they should not only celebrate the the victories, but cry and pick you up from your losses.
I've questioned my friendships more than most, but now I've build a strong, beneficial and beautiful group of girlfriends. Being as we've had the year of the woman in 2017, let's make 2018 the year of empowerment. Because that's exactly what your girl squad does – empower you in all that you do.
What do you look for in your squad?
Featured image by Shutterstock
- 6 Questions For Choosing The Right Friends - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Keep Long Distance Friendships Alive Work - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- How To Maintain & Strengthen Long Distance Friendships - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, & Wellness ›
- Why Some Black Women Have a Hard Time Making Friends ›
- We Asked These Women To Explain What Their Best Friends Mean ... ›
- Why Can't Black Women be Friends? - Brown Sista ›
- 17 Best On-Screen Black Girl Friendships We Will Cherish Forever ›
- To The White Woman I Can No Longer Be Friends With – Be Yourself ›
- There's An App That Helps Women Find And Make New (Girl) Friends ›
- #friendshipgoals hashtag on Twitter ›
- Urban Dictionary: Friendship goals ›
- 141 Quotes About Friendship | ChristianQuotes.info ›
- 7 Friendship Goals - YouTube ›
Courtney is a contributing writer, based in Puerto Rico by way of Tennessee. Interested in the intersection of fashion and culture, she has an affinity for fashion, empowerment, and really good tacos. Keep up with her on Instagram (@hautecourtxo).
For Us, By Us: How HBCU Alumni Are Building Legacies Through Entrepreneurship
Homecoming season is here, and alumni are returning to the yard to celebrate with their friends and family at the historically Black colleges and universities (HBCUs) that have changed their lives forever.
No matter where their life journeys have taken them, for HBCU students from near and far, returning to where it all started can invoke feelings of nostalgia, appreciation for the past, and inspiration for the future.
The seeds for these entrepreneurs were planted during their time as students at schools like Spelman, North Carolina A&T, and more, which is why xoNecole caught up with Look Good Live Well’s Ariane Turner, HBCU Buzz’s Luke Lawal and Morehouse Senior Director of Marketing and Comms and Press Secretary Jasmine Gurley to highlight the role their HBCU roots play in their work as entrepreneurs, the legacy they aim to leave behind through the work that they do, and more as a part of Hyundai’s Best In Class initiative.
On Honoring HBCU Roots To Create Something That Is For Us, By Us
Ariane Turner
Courtesy
When Ariane Turner launched Look Good, Live Well, she created it with Black and brown people in mind, especially those with sensitive skin more prone to dryness and skin conditions like acne and eczema.
The Florida A&M University graduate launched her business to create something that addressed topical skin care needs and was intentional about its approach without negative terminology.
Turner shared that it is important to steer clear of language often adopted by more prominent brands, such as “banishing breakouts” or “correcting the skin,” because, in reality, Turner says there is nothing wrong with the way that our skin and bodies react to various life changes.
“I think what I have taken with me regarding my HBCU experience and translated to my entrepreneurial experience is the importance of not just networking,” Turner, the founder and CEO of Look Good, Live Well, tellls xoNecole.
“We hear that in business all the time, your network is your net worth, but family, there’s a thing at FAMU that we call FAMU-lee instead of family, and it’s very much a thing. What that taught me is the importance of not just making relationships and not just making that connection, but truly working on deepening them, and so being intentional about connecting with people initially, but staying connected and building and deepening those relationships, and that has served me tremendously in business, whether it’s being able to reach back to other classmates who I went to school with, or just networking in general.”
She adds, “I don’t come from a business background. As soon as I finished school, I continued with my entrepreneurial journey, and so there’s a lot of that traditional business act and the networking, those soft skills that I just don’t have, but I will say that just understanding how to leverage and network community and to build intentional relationships is something that has taken me far and I definitely got those roots while attending FAMU.”
On Solving A Very Specific Need For The Community
Luke Lawal Jr.
Courtesy
When Luke Lawal Jr. launched HBCU Buzz, his main focus was to represent his community, using the platform to lift as they climbed by creating an outlet dedicated to celebrating the achievements and positive news affecting the 107 historically HBCUs nationwide.
By spotlighting the wonderful things that come from the HBCU community and coupling it with what he learned during his time at Bowie State University, Lawal used that knowledge to propel himself as an entrepreneur while also providing his people with accurate representation across the internet.
“The specific problem in 2011 when I started HBCU Buzz was more so around the fact that mainstream media always depict HBCUs as negative,” Lawal says. “You would only see HBCUs in the mainstream media when someone died, or the university president or someone was stepping down. It was always bad news, but they never shed light on all the wonderful things from our community."
So, I started HBCU Buzz to ensure the world saw the good things that come from our space. And they knew that HBCUs grew some of the brightest people in the world, and just trying to figure out ways to make sure our platform was a pedestal for all the students that come through our institutions.”
“The biggest goal is to continue to solve problems, continue to create brands that solve the problems of our communities, and make sure that our products, our brands, our companies, and institutions are of value and they’re helping our community,” he continues. “That they’re solving problems that propel our space forward.”
On How Being An HBCU Alum Impacts The Way One Shows Up In The World
Jasmine Gurley
Courtesy
Jasmine Gurley is a proud North Carolina Agricultural and Technical State University alum. She is even more delighted with her current role, which enables her to give back to current HBCU students as the Senior Director of Brand Marketing and Communications and official press secretary at Morehouse College.
“It was a formative experience where I really was able to come into my own and say yes to all the opportunities that were presented to me, and because of that, it’s been able to open the doors later in life too,” says Gurley of her experience at North Carolina A&T. “One thing I love about many HBCUs is that we are required to learn way more about African American history than you do in your typical K through 12 or even at the higher ed level."
She adds, “It allowed us to have a better understanding of where we came from, and so for me, because I’m a storyteller, I’m a history person, I’m very sensitive to life in general, being able to listen to the stories and the trials that our ancestors overcame, put the battery pack in my back to say, ‘Oh nothing can stop me. Absolutely nothing can stop me. I know where I came from, so I can overcome something and try anything. And I have an obligation to be my ancestors’ wildest dreams. Simultaneously, I also have a responsibility to help others realize that greatness.
Gurley does not take her position at an HBCU, now as a leader, lightly.
“People think I’m joking when I say I’m living the dream, but I really am,” she notes. “So I wake up every day and know that the work that I do matters, no matter how hard it might be, how frustrating it may be, and challenging it. I know the ripple effect of my work, my team, and what this institution does also matter. The trajectory of Black male experiences, community, history, and then just American advancement just in general.”
On the other hand, through her business, Sankofa Public Relations, Gurley is also on a mission to uplift brands in their quest to help their respective communities. Since its inception in 2017, Sankofa PR has been on a mission to “reach back and reclaim local, national, and global communities by helping those actively working to move” various areas of the world, focusing on pushing things forward for the better.
“Through Sankofa, we’ve worked with all different types of organizational brands and individuals in several different industries, but I would think of them as mission-based,” says Gurley.
“So with that, it’s an opportunity to help people who are trying to do good in the world, and they are passionate about what they’re doing. They just need help with marketing issues, storytelling, and branding, and that’s when my expertise can come into play. Help them get to that moment where they can tell their story through me or another platform, and that’s been super fulfilling.”
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Feature image courtesy
Miracle Watts & Tyler Lepley Are Engaged: All The Major Moments In Their Love Story
When two baddies get together we just gotta know where the magic started. For years, Tyler Lepley and Miracle Watts have charmed our social media feeds with their endearing romance. Although they have opted to progress their relationship at a gradual pace, their bond reflects a genuine connection.
The two actors have captured the hearts of many as a cherished celebrity couple, with their relationship coming into the public eye in mid-2021. From matching Halloween outfits to Tyler helping Miracle take down her braids to their cooking videos, it’s giving “I never knew there was a love like this before.”
Keep reading for the story of how these lovebirds found their happily ever after.
2021: Miracle & Tyler Make Their Relationship Public
Long before their on-screen chemistry in the hit Starz series P-Valley, the two costars had already sparked a romantic connection. According to ESSENCE, they met on the set of the show during the filming of season two and reportedly started dating in June 2021.
Watts and Lepley went "Instagram official," sharing couple photos and playful videos that hinted at the serious nature of their relationship.
At the Harlem premiere's red carpet, the couple concluded the year in a stunning display of matching black ensembles, exuding an undeniable allure that left everyone in awe.
Monica Schipper/Getty Images for Amazon Studios
May 2022: The Couple Share Their Pregnancy Announcement
In May 2022, Watts and Lepley announced their pregnancy with a stunning photoshoot on Instagram. The P-Valley stars creatively shared their pregnancy news through a video reenacting a scene from The Notebook, with the actress, entrepreneur, and model revealing her baby bump at the end.
October 2022: Welcoming Their Baby
Miracle gave birth to their son, Xi Lei Lepley, adding a new chapter to their relationship as they embraced parenthood together. Lepley is a seasoned parent with two children from a previous relationship with April King, whereas Watts is experiencing the joys of motherhood for the first time. Lepley’s push present to Watts: a custom Mercedes-Benz G Wagon.
She took to Instagram to share, “This has been an amazing pregnancy, I am blessed beyond measure and so thankful for my partner. You have made this journey such a peaceful breeze. I Love You Man, My Dawg 4L!!! Energyyyyy Baby, you did that!! #PushPresent.”
2023: Strengthening Their Family Bond
They have shared moments of their life as new parents, posting family pictures and showing their support for each other’s careers. The couple has continued to keep much of their relationship relatively private while maintaining a strong presence on social media, often highlighting their love for each other and their family.
During ESSENCE Fest, Lepley enthusiastically shared his admiration for Black women, particularly his partner. He said, "I'm going to speak from my experience. You know, going home every day to a Black woman has been all the foundation I ever needed in my life."
Lepley went on to say:
"I'll say it like this. The last thing that a man, a Black man, wants to go home to after going to war with the world is come home to round two. So, you know, my Black woman understands that, you know, she is my peace, and she is there for me when I come undone."
Summer 2024: Wifey Material
In a YouTube video, Miracle addressed life transitions she's experienced and her dip in motivation. The couple had their child Xi Lepley before considering marriage. A clip from the video, popular on TikTok, shows Miracle enthusiastically affirming her intention to be wifed up. "Do you see yourself getting married?" To which Miracle replied, "Of course. Of course! I better see myself getting married soon. Soon."
During the conversation, she posed a question, "I have a question. Do y'all think it's disrespectful for a man not to marry a woman after being with her for a certain amount of years if they both agree that marriage is something that they want?" Miracle offered her perspective, stating, "I do. I do. I do and we're coming up on that time... You better get it together."
Fall 2024: He Put A Ring On It
With a heart-shaped white floral garland as the backdrop with the words “Will you marry me?” at the center, Lepley got down on one knee and asked Watts to be his forever bride. This engagement comes less than six months after Watts put a little fire under The Have and Have Nots actor. According to Lepley, he was already working on a master plan when Watts’ viral comments about marriage made waves.
Watts and Lepley’s relationship continues to be strong, and they remain popular for their openness about their journey as parents and their support for each other’s professional paths.
Big congrats to the happy couple! We can't wait to see how their love story plays out in the coming years.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Prince Williams/Wireimage