One of the many chapters casually missing from the Adulthood Manual is the section on how to keep and maintain friendships.
The concentrated environment of colleges and universities truly did a number on how we perceived the frequency we’d be able to meet up with our friends beyond graduation. There was just something comforting about knowing that if we ever needed a venting session or to meet up for lunch, our friends were just a dorm room away. But as years passed, jobs changed, pandemics hit, and marriages happened, our friendships had a way of moving further away.
Thus, long-distance friendships were born.
Take me, for instance. In the (many) years since I made my first big-girl move away from my small town to New York City, I have since lived in Los Angeles, back home to the South, and now Chicago — which means I have a lot of friends and associates, spread across the country. And while that may seem like an appealing status, knowing a lot of people doesn’t away correlate to having deep connections with them.
As humans, we tend to like people we see often. It’s the Mere Exposure Effect. This psychological phenomenon refers to having the tendency to develop a “preference for things or people that are more familiar” to us than others.
Can a Long-Distance Friendship Work?
So when our friends are out of sight or not in close distance to meet up regularly, celebrate life’s milestones, or just shoot the breeze in pleasant yet mundane activities, they tend to become out of mind. That’s why, in the case of long-distance friendships, creating opportunities for connection is essential for their longevity.
Sometimes quick check-ins via Instagram DMs and comments just aren’t enough to keep the gel between two friends bonded. A text here and there, mixed with a couple of “I was thinking about you’s,” don’t always hit the same as setting up a FaceTime call, a prescheduled coffee chat over Zoom, or pulling up to their city. Real life happens between social media updates and tweets, and in order to be a part of these moments, even from miles away, you’ll have to put in a little more effort.
How to Maintain a Long-Distance Friendship
While it may feel like a chore to keep your friendships thriving with miles between you, distance doesn’t have to be a barrier to keeping the dynamic alive. And here’s how:
How To Maintain A Long-Distance Friendship: Know How Much Communication You Really Need
When it comes to our friends, sometimes we can expect a certain level of communication — whether a lot or a little — that we may have never expressed. But communication, especially from a distance, can’t be a guessing game.
When connecting with your long-distance friends, be open to sharing your communication needs and how much you’d like to see the two of you contribute to the relationship. Do you consider yourself a “bad texter”? Are bi-weekly check-ins more your speed? Or would you like to have a touchpoint every other day? And does this work for both of you? Being clear and transparent from the start will help limit moments of miscommunication and hurt feelings and allow more grace to be given.
Reconnecting Isn’t Awkward
Say life gets busy, and you fall off from communicating with your friend on a regular basis. These moments can make us go back to our old ways, where a minor pause in communication can lead to more time passing before we pick up the phone again.
In long-distance friendships, awkwardness is not your friend, and in most cases, the passing of time doesn’t constitute the end of a friendship. So reach out. Don’t let your brain convenience you that you won’t be welcomed back or that your friend has completely moved on from you. It’s okay to send a “Hey girl, life has been life-ing, my bad” text and pick things up where they left off. There’s nothing awkward about reconnecting. After all, you are friends.
How To Maintain A Long-Distance Friendship: Don’t Run From Healthy Conflict
If there’s one thing that long-distance friendships can guarantee you, it’s that challenges will happen and conflict will occur, but it’s how you handle the conflict that matters.
Misunderstandings are going to happen, a tone will be misread, and you or your friend might say something in jest that’s taken personally. In each case, don’t run from correcting these moments. Sometimes, it is necessary to take a step back and give each other some space to reflect and reach an understanding. But when you communicate to be understood and not to “win,” you allow healthy conflict to be an opportunity for personal growth and a chance to grow together.
How To Maintain A Long-Distance Friendship: Develop A Friendship Anchor
When you think about your long-distance friend, what’s an interest or hobby that you all share in common? Is there a TV show you can binge-watch together? Or are there some gym goals you both can keep each other accountable for? Establishing these casual touchpoints can help keep your friends top of your mind and create inside jokes and shared memories you can look back on.
How To Maintain A Long-Distance Friendship: Make Room For Growth
The truth about adult friendships is that the woman you grew to learn and love when the friendships first started will bloom into a new version of herself that you’ll have to learn all over again. And that’s the beauty of friendship.
She’ll become a wife or mother, brokenhearted, or pivot into a new passion. Still, you can grow separately and support each other along the way. While it may feel foreign to get reacquainted with the new version of your friend, remember it’s probably just as much, if not more, strange and different for her too. But it’s the support that matters because that’s how sisterhood lasts.
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'Sistas' Star Skyh Black On The Power Of Hypnotherapy & Emotional Vulnerability For Men
In this insightful episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Sistas star Skyh Black, as he opened up about his journey of emotional growth, resilience, and self-discovery. The episode touches on emotional availability, self-worth, masculinity, and the importance of therapy in overcoming personal struggles.
Skyh Black on Emotional Availability & Love
On Emotional Availability & Vulnerability
“My wife and I wouldn't be where we are today if both of us weren't emotionally available,” he shared about his wife and Sistas co-star KJ Smith, highlighting the value of vulnerability and emotional openness in a relationship. His approach to masculinity stands in contrast to the traditional, stoic ideals. Skyh is not afraid to embrace softness as part of his emotional expression.
On Overcoming Self-Doubt & Worthiness Issues
Skyh reflected on the self-doubt and worthiness issues that he struggled with, especially early in his career. He opens up about his time in Los Angeles, living what he calls the “LA struggle story”—in a one-bedroom with three roommates—and being homeless three times over the span of 16 years. “I always had this self-sabotaging thought process,” Skyh said. “For me, I feel therapy is essential, period. I have a regular therapist and I go to a hypnotherapist.”
How Therapy Helped Him Heal From Self-Doubt
On Hypnotherapy & Empowering Self-Acceptance
Skyh’s journey is a testament to the power of tapping into self-development despite life’s struggles and being open to growth. “I had to submit to the fact that God was doing good in my life, and that I'm worthy of it. I had a worthiness issue and I did not realize that. So, that’s what the hypnotherapy did. It brought me back to the core. What is wrong so that I can fix it?”
Watch the full podcast episode below:
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Quinta Brunson Gets Real About Divorce, Boundaries & Becoming
Quinta Brunson is the woman who chooses herself, even when the world is watching. And in her June 30 cover story for Bustle, she gives us a rare glimpse into the soft, centered place she's navigating her life from now. From leading one of television's most beloved series in the last decade to quietly moving through life shifts, the creator of Abbott Elementary is walking through a personal evolution and doing so with intention, grace, and a firm grip on her boundaries.
Back in March, the 35-year-old filed for divorce from Kevin Jay Anik after nearly three years of marriage, citing "irreconcilable differences." The news hit the headlines of news outlets fast, but Quinta hadn't planned to announce their dissolution to the public so quickly.
Quinta Brunson On Divorce, Public Scrutiny & Sacred Boundaries
"I remember seeing people be like, ‘She announced her divorce,’" she told Bustle. “I didn’t announce anything. I think people have this idea that people in the public eye want the public to know their every move. None of us do. I promise you. No one wants [everyone] to know when you buy a house, when you move, when a major change happens in your personal life. It’s just that that’s public record information."
In regards to her private moves becoming tabloid fodder, Quinta continued, "I hated that. I hate all of it."
"I Am An Artist First": Quinta On Cutting Her Hair & Reclaiming Herself
Still, the diminutive phenom holds her crown high in the face of change and is returning to the essence of who she is, especially as an artist. "Cutting my hair reminded me that I am an artist first. I want to feel things. I want to make choices. I want to be a person, and not just stuck in having to be a certain way for business." It's giving sacred rebirth. It's giving self-liberation. It's especially giving main character energy.
And while the headlines keep spinning their narratives, the one that Quinta is focused on is her own. For her, slowing down and nourishing herself in ways that feed her is what matters. "It’s a transitional time. I think it’s true for me and my personal life, and it’s how I feel about myself, my career, and the world," Quinta shared with Bustle. “I feel very serious about focusing on watering my own gardens, taking care of myself and the people around me who I actually interact with day-to-day."
That includes indulging in simple rituals that ground her like "making myself a meal" which has become "really, really important to me."
That spirit of agency doesn't stop at the personal. In her professional world, as the creator, executive producer, and lead actress of the critically-acclaimed Abbott Elementary, Quinta understands the weight her choices carry, both on- and off-screen. She revealed to Bustle, "People used to tell me at the beginning of this that the No. 1 on the call sheet sets the tone, and the producer sets the tone — and I’m both of those roles."
She continued, "I understand now, after doing this for four years, how important it was that I set the tone that I did when we first started."
Quinta doesn't just lead, she understands the importance of curating the energy of any space she enters. Even amid a season of shifts and shedding, her power speaks loudly. Sometimes that power looks like quiet resistance. Sometimes that power is soft leadership.
And sometimes that power looks like cutting your hair and taking back your name in rooms that have forgotten you were an artist long before you were a brand.
Read Quinta's cover story on Bustle here to witness the fullness of Quinta's becoming.
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