
This Is How To Take "Relationship Inventory" At The End Of Each Year

When you’re a writer, it’s kind of an occupational hazard to be on-10 when it comes to communication. That’s why I’m all about asking questions in order to gain clarity (check out “7 Questions You And Your Spouse Should Ask Each Other Four Times A Year”, “10 Questions To Ask Your Close Friends Before The New Year Begins”, “The 'Pre-Commitment Interview' Every Dating Couple Should Have” and “7 Questions You Should Definitely Ask Yourself At The End Of Each Week”). And so, in the spirit of being just a few days away from a brand spanking new calendar year and also in the honor of following along with the questioning theme, I wanted to share something that I advise a lot of my clients to do with one another — participate in, what I call, relationship inventory.
Because inventory is basically about taking out the time to see what assets are readily available, why wouldn’t this be an important thing to evaluate when it comes to our interaction with our significant other? So, one day (or night), instead of watching a Christmas movie, pour a couple of glasses of wine (or hot chocolate) and ask each other the following six questions instead. The answers you hear just might surprise you; either way, it can help you both know where you currently stand…which is always a good thing.
1. Did We Bring More Peace or Confusion to Each Other’s Worlds?
Earlier this year, I wrote a piece for the site entitled, “An Extremely Underestimated Sign That You're With The Right Person.” Basically, what it touches on, are different words that define peace. I’ve shared before that something an ex of mine once said is, “A woman should be a man’s sanctuary” — and yes, before some of y’all jump in with “What about the men?”, I agree that this should go both ways. Anyway, I’ve always liked that line of thinking because not only is a sanctuary a sacred space, it’s also a place of refuge. And refuge is exactly why I’m not big on the word “vulnerable” being used when it comes to intimate relationships.
Vulnerable means “capable of or susceptible to being wounded or hurt, as by a weapon,” “open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.” and “difficult to defend.” If your partner is truly your place of refuge (shelter or protection from danger, trouble, etc.), why would you be vulnerable in their space? If anything, you would be dependent (relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.). And in that space of interdependence, there is safety, which is a beautiful thing.
Unfortunately, a lot of couples are anything but in a sanctuary space for one another. Instead, they mistake drama for loyalty, craziness for passion, and lust for love. And because of this, all they’ve got is mass confusion going on. Listen, the world is intense enough, especially for our people, to be in a relationship that is just as extreme as it is all of the time. If you and yours — BOTH — are not bringing peace to each other, more times than not, don’t ignore that. While it may not be a red flag, it is most definitely a bright and blaring yellow one.
2. Did We Become More Fluent in Each Other’s Love Languages?
Hands down, a top faux pas in romantic relationships (any relationship, really) is that people are far more interested in giving people what they want to receive rather than what their partner actually needs. Case in point. I am a big "words of affirmation" person while one of my male friends is more into acts of service. We used to clash, quite a bit because I would give him cards and compliments only to receive barely above an Elmo shrug yet when he would ask me to do minor things for him, if I didn’t have the time, at the time, he felt like I was flippantly brushing him off. After we both talked it through, he got that I felt rejected when he didn’t really care about my “word efforts” while he felt the same when I didn’t prioritize a request — especially since making requests are sometimes really hard for him to do. And so, we both learned that I was the one who needed cards and he was the one who needed me to hold him down on the “services” tip. We’re good now.
Listen, you can love someone all day long, but just like the “Does the forest make a sound if no one is there to hear it?” question, folks need to feel that we love them in the way that they need to feel it; it’s not up to us to make the call on what that way is. With all of this on record, far too many people assume they know their partner’s love language. Even more, couldn’t really care less what it is. Both are problematic, so definitely discuss with your partner if each other’s top-two primary love languages were fluently spoken throughout the year. If not, a good practice for next year comes in the article, “15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language”. It can help to get the two of you speaking in a way that you both can be heard.
3. Are We Each Becoming Better People? Together.
I’m gonna be honest, the rap artist Fabolous continues to give me a reason to give him major side-eye (I think a lot of y’all know why). Still, I’ve gotta credit the source when I’m speaking on it and when it comes to this particular point, “Make Me Better” by him and Ne-Yo definitely comes to mind.
I'm a movement by myself
But I'm a force when we're together
Mami I'm good all by myself
But baby you, you make me better
There is a friend that I’ve got right now who, in all honesty, he was doing much better before he got involved with the woman he’s currently with. She’s manipulative. She’s controlling. And she weaponizes sex to get her own way. As a result, his other relationships are suffering and it’s even starting to infect his relationship with his kids. Yet all he tells me is they vibe well and the sex is good. Chile, please.
There really is no point in being in a relationship with someone who is only going to make you a shell of the person you were with prior to getting with them. That said, definitely, if there is one thing you and your boo should be able to say, as a direct result of being together, it’s that you make each other better as individuals. To be better is to be improved in quality, to become more complete, and to surpass who you were prior to getting involved. If you and/or he can’t say that about each other, why is that? And more importantly, why would you want to remain in something that isn’t making you greater as a direct result of its influence?
4. Where’s the Growth in the Relationship?
A quote that I really like as it pertains to personal growth is, “Real growth is when you start checking and correcting yourself.” To me, this rolls over into meaning, “Grown people hold themselves accountable.” You know what else does — partners in a relationship. Not too long ago, I was asked in an interview what I think is one of the main reasons why there is conflict in relationships. I said, “Because a lot of people think they should be coddled more than held accountable” and I will stand firm on that. This notion that someone only loves you if they tell you what you want to hear or if they don’t call you out on your ish in order to spare your feelings is so self-manipulative and honestly, pretty childish.
You can’t grow without being held accountable and the people who truly care about you will do just that. They will do it lovingly. They will do it with grace attached. They will make sure it’s delivered in a way that it can be received yet they will still do it. And when two people are able to grow as individuals, it leads to growth in the relationship overall.
That’s why, when people tell me that they have been feeling stuck and stagnant with their partner for months (or years) at a time, I encourage them to address that as soon as possible. If both of you are helping each other to thrive, the relationship should be showing clear evidence of that. No, I don’t necessarily or automatically mean marriage (that is not always the ultimate sign of relational growth; look at the divorce rate which is still holding at around 50 percent) — I mean that both people have gotten closer, both people have maintained similar values and both people want the same kind of relational future…whatever that may be.
Stagnation stinks and just about everything in life is designed to move forward. Has your relationship done that in 2021? If you can’t verbally express how your relationship has been, something is…off.
5. Have We Evolved As Friends AND Lovers?
I’m about to age myself (IDC, IDC) but there is a song from way back in the day called “Friends and Lovers”. It’s by Carl Anderson and Gloria Loring (Robin Thicke’s mama). The chorus goes like this:
So, I'll be your friend and I'll be your lover
'Cause I know in our hearts we agree
We don't have to be one or the other
Oh no, we could be both to each other
A hill that I will die on with absolutely no apologies or regrets is, if you don’t see your partner as your best friend, you should ask yourself why? I’m word-literal, so I know that best means (among other things) “of the highest quality, excellence, or standing.” If you can’t say this about the one you are sharing so much of your time, effort, and energy with if you’ve got five other people who rank over them in this area, what exactly are you doing with them? Lawd, it can’t be said enough that one of the reasons why a lot of relationships — especially marriages — fail to go the distance is because people act like their partner isn’t supposed to be one of their very closest — if not THE closest — friend (check out “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?”).
When two people are friends, they like each other, they trust each other and they have a type of loyalty to one another that is truly unmatched. And yes, over the course of several months, when a relationship is truly healthy, both people should be able to say that the friendship has only gotten that much stronger. And what about the lover part? While I do think that physical intimacy should definitely get more fulfilling as a relationship evolves (if the intimacy is wack, something about the relationship is too; straight up), I’m gonna throw a plot twist into this.
One definition of lover is “a person who has a strong enjoyment or liking for something, as specified.” As two people become closer friends, they should only enjoy one another more and more as well. It’s not about making obligatory calls or going out on dates because that’s what couples are “supposed to do.” Because you and yours are such huge fans of one another, because you dig each other just that much, spending time together (whether in or outside of the bedroom) comes very naturally because you are lovers of each other just that much. Are you?
6. Are We Still on the Same Page?
Benjamin Franklin once said, “Lost time is never found again.” A Greek botanist by the name of Theophrastus once said, “Time is the most valuable thing a man can spend.” A Greek general by the name of Pericles once said one of my (current) favorite quotes on time — “Time is the wisest counselor of all.” When it comes to your relationship, something that time is gonna sho ‘nuf do is reveal to you and yours if you’re both, shoot, not just on the same page but even in the same chapter and book. The thing you’ve got to do is make sure that you don’t allow your feelings to overpower the facts that may be standing right before you.
What do I mean by that? Sometimes two people can love and like each other. Still, because they want totally different things out of life (one may want kids while the other doesn’t; one may want to wait a few more years to settle down while the other doesn’t; one may want to live overseas while the other doesn’t), they aren’t the best fit. Unfortunately, because of emotions, many will ignore this reality and try and “force things” which typically leads to bitterness and resentment — if not immediately, eventually.
I will never find taking relational inventory to not be essential because what you and yours thought about what you ultimately wanted out of life last year may be very different now and just because you’re together, that doesn’t mean that either of you should make assumptions. ASK. Also, listen for not what you want to hear but what is being said. Then be honest with each other about where to go…from here.
A healthy and beneficial relationship is going to complement you (check out “If He's Right For You, He Will COMPLEMENT Your Life”). Take some time out to take relationship inventory, so that the both of you can go into 2022 saying that that is indeed the case. If it is, awesome! If it’s not, making some shifts so that you both can get to who and what is right is always best.
There really is no time like the present to figure out which side of the coin you and yours are on. Before going into January, please honor each other and what you share by making sure that you do.
Featured image by Getty Images
It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
On her debut album,CTRL,SZA crooned about her desire to be a “Normal Girl.” Now, nearly eight years since its release, her Not Beauty line represents her commitment to existing outside of traditional beauty norms.
The singer whose real name is Solána Imani Rowe first teased the idea of a lip gloss line during Super Bowl LIX in February, noting that the release would be happening “very shortly.” Not Beauty debuted simultaneously with the Grand National Tour, which she co-headlines with Kendrick Lamar, in Minneapolis on April 19.
Each Not Beauty pop-up would offer fans the opportunity to purchase the glosses, learn more about the brand, and have the opportunity to meet the superstar in the flesh regardless of their ticket status.
During the Los Angeles tour stop, which spanned three dates on May 21, May 23, with the finale on May 24, xoNecole had the opportunity to test out the glosses included in this soft launch, as SZA revealed in a statement that "this is just the start of other lip products, including plans to launch stains, liners, and creams all inspired by SZA's “infamous layered lip combinations.”
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So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
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What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
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Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
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Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
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Meet Kiara Walker: The Bold New Voice Giving Men A Safe Space To Be Real On ‘xoMAN’
Kiara Walker was born to entertain. Her childhood experiences helped shape her destiny as a media personality, and now she’s taking her talents to xoNecole.
A Dallas, Texas native and Atlanta transplant, Walker will host the newest Will Packer Media and xoNecole production, xoMAN podcast. This fresh podcast series provides a platform for authentic and transformative conversations that bridge the gap between the introspection men crave and their real-life experiences.
xoMAN started as an Instagram Live series and is now a full-cast production, with Walker as the host. Initially, she was skeptical about joining as the new host of xoMan. Not because she doesn’t have the chops to thrive in the role, but because coming in on something that wasn’t her original idea initially seemed daunting for the media personality.
However, since she loves a challenge, the CockTales: Dirty Discussionspodcast host embraced the task with an open heart and mind.
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“I was like, this is a cool concept, so I’m so glad that they decided to turn it into a podcast,” Walker tells xoNecole. “It’s been interesting to take somebody else’s idea and try to turn it into a thing, put it together, and bring it to fruition. I am anxious, nervous, and all things, but above all, I’m excited.”
When xoNecole's managing editor Sheriden Garrett approached Walker to take on the position, it felt like fate. She had previously attempted to get Garrett on her CockTales platform about six or seven years ago due to her expertise in the love and relationship space.
“I was like, wait, y’all listen to the show? And you want me to host a show where I’m only talking to men? And I’m listening to them and not giving them a hard time? I say that because sometimes I feel like, on my show, I may come off like I don’t even like men," she says.
"I love men, but it can be frustrating sometimes on that platform, social media, and other places when they continue to regurgitate the same rhetoric about what I like to call Twitter topics, like constantly talking about who’s paying as a man, as a woman. You should do this. You should do that…It’s been cool hearing the stories with the men we’ve spoken to so far at xoMAN, hearing these stories, and hearing them let their guards down.”
A Howard graduate, Walker almost didn’t enter the world of media after listening to advice from elders who said she would make a great lawyer because she loves to debate topics and sometimes argue (haha).
"It’s been cool hearing the stories with the men we’ve spoken to so far at xoMAN, hearing these stories, and hearing them let their guards down.”
After traveling to the nation’s capital to study political science, Walker soon discovered that her only motivation for becoming an attorney was the potential income and witnessing how boss women like Erika Alexander’s Maxine Shaw character on Living Single would look in their suits as career women.
“I realized that this was for real,” she says, studying law at Howard. “This is a lot of work, and when you think about what you do, I was like, this is not a performance, and I just wanted to talk. I wasn’t trying to defend anyone.”
A visit to a fair showcasing the different organizations on Howard’s campus, combined with her affinity for celebrity gossip and entertainment news, ultimately led Walker to explore a radio career. Soon, she auditioned for a show and landed the gig. By the spring semester, she was on the radio, ultimately leading her to switch her major to journalism with a concentration in broadcast news.
Soon after earning her degree in the field, Walker decided she didn’t want to do anything related to hard news. Instead, she became involved in lifestyle content. She used her friends' love of hearing her stories to motivate her to get into podcasting.
The rest is, as they say, history.
“Before podcasts became what they are, I was in a living room with a microphone before ultimately moving to a studio and refining the show. I loved it and knew people were listening because I monitored the analytics and everything," she explains.
"When we decided to do a live show, the show sold out in two weeks, and I was so nervous. I was like, 'Are we ready? Are we gonna be able to sell out this venue?' We didn’t have any sponsorship. We were still independent and had to front the money for everything.”
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“When they sold out in two weeks, not only did I price my tickets too low, but I thought, wow, we’ve got something. I was like, people spent money to hear me and my co-host talking about our shitty love lives. This is wild, all from an idea in my head. It made me feel like I was on the right path and encouraged me to stop doubting myself. I have imposter syndrome," she reveals.
"Even to this day, I’m constantly biased. But it’s like, if not me, then who? And, like, why not me? If people can do it with way less and way more. I’ve been trying to encourage myself and other people to eliminate the doubt that we have in ourselves so we can do whatever it is we want to do. I love it. No matter how many sleepless nights I have, I will continue to have bags under my eyes until the end of time because I’m enjoying it.”
"I have imposter syndrome. Even to this day, I’m constantly biased. But it’s like, if not me, then who? And, like, why not me? If people can do it with way less and way more. I’ve been trying to encourage myself and other people to eliminate the doubt that we have in ourselves so we can do whatever it is we want to do."
In between garnering a strong social media presence for her work as a podcast host, lifestyle influencer, and beyond, Walker has managed to use her many gifts and talents, like cooking, and most importantly, giving a strong opinion about the things she does (or doesn’t) believe in to carve out a lane of her own.
As she embarks on this chapter as the host of xoMAN, where she has already spoken with actors Devale Ellis and Skyh Black and Dear Future Wifey podcast host Laterras R. Whitfield, Walker hopes that it encourages people, especially women, to look at their male counterparts from a different perspective.
“I hope that anyone listening can listen to the first few episodes, hear how different each man is, and learn to let down whatever preconceived notions you have about me or a specific man, whoever it is in your life," she says. "Just listen, talk to them, ask them how they feel, and listen with an open mind, without thinking that you already know what the answer is.”
“I just hope that people learn to, again, not put people in boxes and make the other person, whoever it is, men specifically for this show, but sit down and talk with an open mind and listen to understand, not to respond. Help someone feel safe.”
xoMAN officially launches on Tuesday, June. 17.
Feature image courtesy