Knowing Your Partner’s Love Language Can Transform Your Relationship
How do you really know you're a good lover? Not sexually, but in your relationship as a whole. I thought I had my husband all figured out before we got married. That is, until I realized I was loving him the way I needed to be loved, not the way he needed to be loved. I find it funny how in relationships we can often put our needs onto our partner, and think we're doing a stand up job in loving them; when in reality, they're still yearning to be loved the way they've always wanted.
There was a moment of awakening after readingThe 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman that helped us both love one another in a way that speaks to each of our souls.
Sometimes I wonder how far we would have gotten without it. Knowing and recognizing your partner's love language (quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts and/or physical touch) can make your relationship, and not knowing it can break it. Check out the wonders knowing your partner's love language can do for you both:
Knowing Your Partner's Love Language Will Help You Connect Better
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Before reading the book, my husband and I consistently had misunderstandings and while we clicked in some ways, it was difficult to get on the same page with others. He thought it was perfectly normal to go all day without talking and even texting while I would be sending sweet text messages and songs with no response, wondering if he was even interested.
Lo and behold, words of affirmation is my love language (along with good old quality time). At the same time, because I was looking for reassurance and certain things from him, I gave him what I wanted thinking it was just what he needed. Nah. His love language is acts of service. So, sending a text message is nice and all, but it was more for me to get a response, and not what made him feel loved.
Once we discovered this, it was like an aha moment and we were able to connect at an even deeper level as he understood why I need affirmations, and I understood why he wasn't responding the way I wanted. Knowing your partner's love language can improve your relationship and help you connect on a new level. There's just something about you being loved how you want and need to be, and your partner feeling the same way, that makes a relationship flourish and actually enjoyable to be in as you love each other together.
Knowing Your Partner's Love Language Will Make You Feel More Appreciated
Once you realize what your partner's love language is and act on it, you won't be able to deny the new heights of appreciation you both experience. It feels amazing for someone to take the time and make the effort to love you the way that you need, and for you to do the same for someone else.
A lot of times, we love people by giving them what we need because we want them to feel good. We know it's something that we would love to happen for us, so why wouldn't they want it for themselves? But this is where we learn that love isn't about us. It's about them and what they need.
Chances are, once they see the energy you're putting in to love them properly, they'll step up their own efforts too and you both win. I mean, think about how much better things could be if you both feel good because your partner feels loved the way they desire, not just because you did something you wanted them to love. Knowing that it takes effort on your part to love you in a way that connects with them and vice versa can cause both of you to appreciate one another in a way that you might not have before.
Knowing Your Partner's Love Language Will Help You Love Who They Are
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Our love languages are a major part of how we're wired. I'm not enabling or OK-ing things that are toxic and unhealthy, but in reality, we really can't help how we need to be loved. It's probably been this way since before we had any control over it, or were even aware it existed. The sooner we acknowledge our partner's love language (and even our own if we don't know it), the sooner we can understand them as a person. This is just who they are. It's all included in the good, the bad and the ugly of all things humane. Whether it's a spouse or a new relationship, going from knowing how they are (like their personality) to understanding the ins and outs of how they're built and wired can make this type of love a lifelong one.
There's beauty in being able to accept your partner for what they need and what they want, and not trying to change or coerce it into something that's easier for us. Once we're able to reach the stance that we're going to love our special someone unconditionally and how they need, our relationships can stand the test of time and anything else.
I'm not saying that knowing the love language of your significant other is all that you need in a relationship, but it can definitely help make it last.
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Featured image by Getty Images.
Originally published on February 28, 2019
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Charmaine Patterson is a journalist, lifestyle blogger, and a lover of all things pop culture. While she has much experience in covering top entertainment news stories, she aims to share her everyday life experiences, old and new, with other women who can relate, laugh, and love along with her. Follow Char on Twitter @charjpatterson, Instagram @charpatterson, and keep up with her journey at CharJPatterson.com .
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
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Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
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Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images