Knowing Your Partner’s Love Language Can Transform Your Relationship
How do you really know you're a good lover? Not sexually, but in your relationship as a whole. I thought I had my husband all figured out before we got married. That is, until I realized I was loving him the way I needed to be loved, not the way he needed to be loved. I find it funny how in relationships we can often put our needs onto our partner, and think we're doing a stand up job in loving them; when in reality, they're still yearning to be loved the way they've always wanted.
There was a moment of awakening after readingThe 5 Love Languages by Gary Chapman that helped us both love one another in a way that speaks to each of our souls.
Sometimes I wonder how far we would have gotten without it. Knowing and recognizing your partner's love language (quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, gifts and/or physical touch) can make your relationship, and not knowing it can break it. Check out the wonders knowing your partner's love language can do for you both:
Knowing Your Partner's Love Language Will Help You Connect Better
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Before reading the book, my husband and I consistently had misunderstandings and while we clicked in some ways, it was difficult to get on the same page with others. He thought it was perfectly normal to go all day without talking and even texting while I would be sending sweet text messages and songs with no response, wondering if he was even interested.
Lo and behold, words of affirmation is my love language (along with good old quality time). At the same time, because I was looking for reassurance and certain things from him, I gave him what I wanted thinking it was just what he needed. Nah. His love language is acts of service. So, sending a text message is nice and all, but it was more for me to get a response, and not what made him feel loved.
Once we discovered this, it was like an aha moment and we were able to connect at an even deeper level as he understood why I need affirmations, and I understood why he wasn't responding the way I wanted. Knowing your partner's love language can improve your relationship and help you connect on a new level. There's just something about you being loved how you want and need to be, and your partner feeling the same way, that makes a relationship flourish and actually enjoyable to be in as you love each other together.
Knowing Your Partner's Love Language Will Make You Feel More Appreciated
Once you realize what your partner's love language is and act on it, you won't be able to deny the new heights of appreciation you both experience. It feels amazing for someone to take the time and make the effort to love you the way that you need, and for you to do the same for someone else.
A lot of times, we love people by giving them what we need because we want them to feel good. We know it's something that we would love to happen for us, so why wouldn't they want it for themselves? But this is where we learn that love isn't about us. It's about them and what they need.
Chances are, once they see the energy you're putting in to love them properly, they'll step up their own efforts too and you both win. I mean, think about how much better things could be if you both feel good because your partner feels loved the way they desire, not just because you did something you wanted them to love. Knowing that it takes effort on your part to love you in a way that connects with them and vice versa can cause both of you to appreciate one another in a way that you might not have before.
Knowing Your Partner's Love Language Will Help You Love Who They Are
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Our love languages are a major part of how we're wired. I'm not enabling or OK-ing things that are toxic and unhealthy, but in reality, we really can't help how we need to be loved. It's probably been this way since before we had any control over it, or were even aware it existed. The sooner we acknowledge our partner's love language (and even our own if we don't know it), the sooner we can understand them as a person. This is just who they are. It's all included in the good, the bad and the ugly of all things humane. Whether it's a spouse or a new relationship, going from knowing how they are (like their personality) to understanding the ins and outs of how they're built and wired can make this type of love a lifelong one.
There's beauty in being able to accept your partner for what they need and what they want, and not trying to change or coerce it into something that's easier for us. Once we're able to reach the stance that we're going to love our special someone unconditionally and how they need, our relationships can stand the test of time and anything else.
I'm not saying that knowing the love language of your significant other is all that you need in a relationship, but it can definitely help make it last.
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Featured image by Getty Images.
Originally published on February 28, 2019
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Charmaine Patterson is a journalist, lifestyle blogger, and a lover of all things pop culture. While she has much experience in covering top entertainment news stories, she aims to share her everyday life experiences, old and new, with other women who can relate, laugh, and love along with her. Follow Char on Twitter @charjpatterson, Instagram @charpatterson, and keep up with her journey at CharJPatterson.com .
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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Featured image by Taylor Hill/Getty Images