This Is How To Apply Love Languages To Your Friendships
I'm pretty sure that most of you are aware of what the five love languages are all about. We tend to touch on the topic quite a bit over this way (you can read a few articles here, here and here). Chances are, when you think of how to express your love to another person, it's usually as it relates to your romantic situations, not platonic ones. I get it. That's how it is for most folks.
But as I've been striving to be a better friend to the people in my world, I'm learning more and more about just how important it is to be fluent in their love languages too (by the way, author Dr. Gary Chapman wroteThe 5 Love Languages Singles Edition too).
Take one of my closest girlfriends, for example. I'm a words of affirmation person all day long while she's all about quality time. It took us a couple of years to find our groove because she's not big on words (oh, she talks her fair share but she's not big on cards, emailing and stuff like that) and I'm not the biggest fan of trekking out to her house to do nothing but…sit on her couch. But again, because I thrive off of words and she's nurtured by quality time, we make the sacrifices. We value the friendship enough to do so.
I'm pretty sure you love your friends. If other than on their birthday, you've never really thought about how to express your feelings for them but you've got a few minutes, I have a few suggestions for how to incorporate love languages on the totally platonic tip.
Words of Affirmation
As a words of affirmation person myself, sometimes I wonder if folks get off easy with me. I say that because if you just shoot me an email talking about something you like or appreciate as it relates to me, I'm pretty good. No gifts or anything else are really necessary.
If you can totally relate to where I'm coming from, I will share something that I learned the hard way. Even if all you need is a Hallmark card or compliment to feel loved, make sure that the words your friends expressed are backed up with action. Meaning, if they say that they love you or that they have your back, no matter what, it's important that you can come up with examples that their words are true.
Oh, and if you happen to be someone with words of affirmation friends and you're wondering how to speak this language—the examples I've already shared are some good ones. It's also important to remember that, out of all of the love languages, we tend to be the most word and tone-sensitive ones out of the bunch, so it's not just about what you say but how you say it—whether it's good, bad or indifferent.
Quality Time
Like I said, one of my closest friends is a quality time person. If we can get in an hour phone call, a couple of times a week, she's good. However, what I have learned that what she prefers most is being able to get some one-on-one time in person and not really doing anything that distracts us from conversing like the movies or a live event. For her, although "technically" that qualifies as spending time together, she really hones in on time that is truly quality. She'd much rather walk in a park or hang out in a coffee shop; she'd also prefer the time to be without the distraction of a smartphone.
My experience has been that platonic quality time is best expressed when you plan something ahead of time that you and your buddy can do alone. It doesn't have to be pricey. What it should be is semi-quiet and without a ton of pressure to be on the clock too.
Acts of Service
Back in the day, Missouri license plates used to say "The Show Me State" on them. Whenever I think about my acts of service friends, that saying is what immediately comes to mind. These are the friends who are more oftentimes practical than sentimental and are moved by things that will make their lives easier than anything else. Babysitting, helping them with a project for work, bringing them lunch during a week when money is tight or they're on a deadline that prevents them from getting away—these are examples of how to speak this language.
If you're an acts of service individual, feel free to chime in, but my observation is that someone with this love language feels super duper loved when you see something in their world that needs to be handled and you just do it. Asking them a lot of questions or even waiting for them to ask for your help can sometimes be nothing more than more work on their end. Acts of service folks feel like really we see them when we're more proactive than reactive.
Physical Touch
When it comes to one of my girlfriends, although I feel extremely loved by her, what I'm not gonna get is much physical affection. Not. At. All. We live in different states, so when I go to see her, I can pretty much bet that I'm gonna get one of those awkward church side hugs when she picks me up at the airport and then maybe (maybe even though it's not guaranteed) when she drops me back off to catch my flight.
But then I have another friend who is super touchy-feely. Whenever I see her, I'm gonna get hugged and maybe even a kiss on the cheek. If we're at the movies, she'll think nothing about putting her head on my shoulder and if we're walking in the mall, she might put her arm through mine. I've learned that when it comes to a lot of physical touch individuals, whether the relationship is platonic or romantic, they just like to be in personal physical space.
So, if you've got a friend who seems to always be a little too close for comfort, try and just brush it off. They don't mean any harm. They just enjoy being around you and in your energy field; as close as possible, if they can.
Gifts
I really hate that people whose top love language is gifts oftentimes catch such a hard break because they honestly shouldn't. All this really boils down to is they like tangible expressions of love and intimacy. I have a couple of "gifts friends" and what I've learned is the price of a present doesn't really matter. What's important is that their special days—birthdays, anniversaries—are remembered and that I get them something that is specific to their personality. Something that's their favorite color. Something that they've casually mentioned in passing. Or something that lets them know that I see them; that I really and truly see them.
For instance, one of my friends told me one year that she was really into pink all of a sudden. One time, out of nowhere, I gifted her with some pink chandelier earrings. Another time, I bought a dozen pink roses to her job. Another time, I got her some pink sparkling juice that was packed in a pink wine bottle. There was no time when she was less excited than the other. Just so long as she was able to look at and hold something that she was into, she was happy.
When it comes to applying the five love languages to your friendships, I think what it all really boils down to is knowing which love language each person has, then thinking up ways to speak that language exclusively.
With my friends, most of them get major cool points just for caring enough to speak my language at all. Something tells me that when it comes to your true friends, the same bottom line applies.
Featured image by Getty Images
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
Knowing Your Partner's Love Language Can Transform Your Relationship
The Love Language That Speaks Most, To Each Zodiac Sign
- Is your love language sabotaging your female friendships? ›
- Using the 5 Love Languages to Strengthen Your Tribe's Friendship ›
- Love Languages and Friendship | POPSUGAR Love & Sex ›
- Love Languages - The 5 Love Languages® ›
- How to Use The 5 Love Languages for Strong Friendships | The Grit ... ›
- Why the 5 Love Languages are Essential for Friendship | Simplicity ... ›
- Love Languages: Best Friends Edition | How To Show Your Friends ... ›
- What is my love language? And why it matters for friendship | Well+ ... ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
Courtesy
Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
Courtesy
Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
Courtesy
Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy