This Is How To Apply Love Languages To Your Friendships
I'm pretty sure that most of you are aware of what the five love languages are all about. We tend to touch on the topic quite a bit over this way (you can read a few articles here, here and here). Chances are, when you think of how to express your love to another person, it's usually as it relates to your romantic situations, not platonic ones. I get it. That's how it is for most folks.
But as I've been striving to be a better friend to the people in my world, I'm learning more and more about just how important it is to be fluent in their love languages too (by the way, author Dr. Gary Chapman wroteThe 5 Love Languages Singles Edition too).
Take one of my closest girlfriends, for example. I'm a words of affirmation person all day long while she's all about quality time. It took us a couple of years to find our groove because she's not big on words (oh, she talks her fair share but she's not big on cards, emailing and stuff like that) and I'm not the biggest fan of trekking out to her house to do nothing but…sit on her couch. But again, because I thrive off of words and she's nurtured by quality time, we make the sacrifices. We value the friendship enough to do so.
I'm pretty sure you love your friends. If other than on their birthday, you've never really thought about how to express your feelings for them but you've got a few minutes, I have a few suggestions for how to incorporate love languages on the totally platonic tip.
Words of Affirmation
As a words of affirmation person myself, sometimes I wonder if folks get off easy with me. I say that because if you just shoot me an email talking about something you like or appreciate as it relates to me, I'm pretty good. No gifts or anything else are really necessary.
If you can totally relate to where I'm coming from, I will share something that I learned the hard way. Even if all you need is a Hallmark card or compliment to feel loved, make sure that the words your friends expressed are backed up with action. Meaning, if they say that they love you or that they have your back, no matter what, it's important that you can come up with examples that their words are true.
Oh, and if you happen to be someone with words of affirmation friends and you're wondering how to speak this language—the examples I've already shared are some good ones. It's also important to remember that, out of all of the love languages, we tend to be the most word and tone-sensitive ones out of the bunch, so it's not just about what you say but how you say it—whether it's good, bad or indifferent.
Quality Time
Like I said, one of my closest friends is a quality time person. If we can get in an hour phone call, a couple of times a week, she's good. However, what I have learned that what she prefers most is being able to get some one-on-one time in person and not really doing anything that distracts us from conversing like the movies or a live event. For her, although "technically" that qualifies as spending time together, she really hones in on time that is truly quality. She'd much rather walk in a park or hang out in a coffee shop; she'd also prefer the time to be without the distraction of a smartphone.
My experience has been that platonic quality time is best expressed when you plan something ahead of time that you and your buddy can do alone. It doesn't have to be pricey. What it should be is semi-quiet and without a ton of pressure to be on the clock too.
Acts of Service
Back in the day, Missouri license plates used to say "The Show Me State" on them. Whenever I think about my acts of service friends, that saying is what immediately comes to mind. These are the friends who are more oftentimes practical than sentimental and are moved by things that will make their lives easier than anything else. Babysitting, helping them with a project for work, bringing them lunch during a week when money is tight or they're on a deadline that prevents them from getting away—these are examples of how to speak this language.
If you're an acts of service individual, feel free to chime in, but my observation is that someone with this love language feels super duper loved when you see something in their world that needs to be handled and you just do it. Asking them a lot of questions or even waiting for them to ask for your help can sometimes be nothing more than more work on their end. Acts of service folks feel like really we see them when we're more proactive than reactive.
Physical Touch
When it comes to one of my girlfriends, although I feel extremely loved by her, what I'm not gonna get is much physical affection. Not. At. All. We live in different states, so when I go to see her, I can pretty much bet that I'm gonna get one of those awkward church side hugs when she picks me up at the airport and then maybe (maybe even though it's not guaranteed) when she drops me back off to catch my flight.
But then I have another friend who is super touchy-feely. Whenever I see her, I'm gonna get hugged and maybe even a kiss on the cheek. If we're at the movies, she'll think nothing about putting her head on my shoulder and if we're walking in the mall, she might put her arm through mine. I've learned that when it comes to a lot of physical touch individuals, whether the relationship is platonic or romantic, they just like to be in personal physical space.
So, if you've got a friend who seems to always be a little too close for comfort, try and just brush it off. They don't mean any harm. They just enjoy being around you and in your energy field; as close as possible, if they can.
Gifts
I really hate that people whose top love language is gifts oftentimes catch such a hard break because they honestly shouldn't. All this really boils down to is they like tangible expressions of love and intimacy. I have a couple of "gifts friends" and what I've learned is the price of a present doesn't really matter. What's important is that their special days—birthdays, anniversaries—are remembered and that I get them something that is specific to their personality. Something that's their favorite color. Something that they've casually mentioned in passing. Or something that lets them know that I see them; that I really and truly see them.
For instance, one of my friends told me one year that she was really into pink all of a sudden. One time, out of nowhere, I gifted her with some pink chandelier earrings. Another time, I bought a dozen pink roses to her job. Another time, I got her some pink sparkling juice that was packed in a pink wine bottle. There was no time when she was less excited than the other. Just so long as she was able to look at and hold something that she was into, she was happy.
When it comes to applying the five love languages to your friendships, I think what it all really boils down to is knowing which love language each person has, then thinking up ways to speak that language exclusively.
With my friends, most of them get major cool points just for caring enough to speak my language at all. Something tells me that when it comes to your true friends, the same bottom line applies.
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next October (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This Black Woman-Owned Creative Agency Shows Us The Art Of Rebranding
Rebranding is an intricate process and very important to the success of businesses that want to change. However, before a business owner makes this decision, they should determine whether it's a rebrand or an evolution.
That's where people like Lola Adewuya come in. Lola is the founder and CEO of The Brand Doula, a brand development studio with a multidisciplinary approach to branding, social media, marketing, and design.
While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
Feature image courtesy
The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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If you’ve never heard of the word “anorgasmia” before, it’s the technical term that is used for women who have trouble achieving an orgasm. Actually, if we’re gonna get super technical about it, women who have infrequent ones (check out “Why Are My Orgasms So Damn Inconsistent?” and “Why Do Orgasms So Often Seem Like A ‘Hit-Or-Miss’ Experience For Women?”) or women who experience orgasms that oftentimes lack intensity can also fall under this category.
And although everything from age and hormonal imbalances to stress/anxiety and even low self-esteem can play a role in why climaxing can be difficult, after touring with an organization that dealt with porn and sex addiction for almost 10 years, having countless sessions with married women and also researching and writing on sex for over two decades at this point, what I realize hasn’t been discussed enough is that a lot of women can have orgasms — just not vaginal ones via intercourse (check out “Ladies, Please Stop Pressuring Yourself Over Vaginal Orgasms”).
The next thing that should be brought up more in the discourse is the fact that many women have orgasms — they’re just not always earth-shattering ones (like the ones that you feel when you have, say, a blended orgasm).
Today, we’re going to hone in on the latter point. If you know (that you know that you know) that you have orgasms yet the more intense ones don’t happen nearly as often as you would like, there is something that you can do that has been proven to help you out — and the title of this piece is a huge hint as far as what that is. #wink
How Does Weed Help to Create More and Better Orgasms?
GiphyWeed and sex being a cool combination is not something that I haven’t addressed before. A few years back, I penned a piece for the site entitled, “7 Proven Ways Weed Makes Sex So Much Better.” So, why did I feel the need to write this one too? Because I think all of us (who’ve had sex before) can vouch for the fact that you can have a wonderful sexual experience and still not have an orgasm or the kind of orgasm that you’d prefer to have. And when that is indeed the case, well, something that can help you out is yep, marijuana.
For starters, did you know that there are literal studies to support that weed can help women to have more frequent orgasms? Yep. One article that I read stated that out of almost 400 people surveyed, 52 percent said that they had trouble climaxing; however, after a bit of weed use, orgasm frequency increased by almost 73 percent, orgasm satisfaction by 67 percent, and the ability to have orgasms more easily increased by 71 percent.
And since some of these individuals deal with something known as female orgasmic disorder (FOD), because the findings are so significant, there are some states that are actually pushing for FOD to qualify for medical marijuana treatment. Yep, that’s how effective weed use is proving itself to be in this realm.
So, just what is it about weed that makes climaxing a more probable experience for so many of us? For one thing, weed is seen as an aphrodisiac by many individuals. One reason is that it contains properties that help to relax your system as well as intensify the sexual experiences that you have by literally helping to make them feel more pleasurable.
Some studies also reveal that weed use can lower your inhibitions and increase the amount of time you spend engaging in foreplay too. If you add to that the fact that weed also amplifies the sense of touch — well, I’m sure that you get how all of this combined can help you to have not just more but better quality orgasms, for sure.
How to Effectively Bring Weed into Your Sexual Experiences
GiphySo, now that you know all of this, I’m sure some of you are wondering how to bring marijuana into your boudoir in a responsibly effective kind of way. Good question. For one thing, it’s definitely best to start off in small amounts (if you’ve never experienced weed before); you can probably do this best with edibles because many of them are sold in pre-dosed amounts. In fact, although you might think that, when it comes to weed consumption, “the more the merrier,” the reality is actually that overdoing it could decrease your libido instead of elevate it.
Also, it’s a good idea to remember that while CBD is good for ointments and creams that can help to reduce anxiety before sex or enhance afterplay (check out “Sure, Your Foreplay Game Is On Point. Now What About The ‘Afterplay’?”), THC — the active ingredient that is responsible for getting you “high” — is what has a stronger reputation for making sex itself a more pleasurable experience; especially as far as women go. So, what you might want to do is start out with something like a chocolate edible (since it also is an aphrodisiac) with a low amount of THC in it along with a CBD-based lubricant.
Just make sure to keep in mind that edibles can bea bit unpredictable (as far as how high you will get and how soon along with how you will feel once you come down from the high experience), plus, their effects tend to last longer than smoking (edible highs can sometimes last six or more hours while smoking ones are around four or more) — so, if it’s your first time trying all of this out, a night before going to work isn’t a good idea; wait until the weekend instead.
On the other hand, if you’d consider yourself to be a bit of a “weed pro” at this point, you might want to experiment with some different strains of weed. Ones that are somewhat popular in the sexual stimuli department contain what is called limonene. It is actually a chemical that isfound in citrus fruit; however, when it’s combined with weed, not only can it help the weed to taste better, but it canelevate your mood, reduce your stress, andgive your libido and energy levels a bit of a boost as well.
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Listen, if there’s one thing that I’m gonna do, it’s provide a hack to make sex better for you — and there is just too much data out in these streets to not shout out weed as far as achieving quality orgasms go.
That said, if weed ain’t your thing, don’t force it to be just because you read this. There are other ways to have amazing orgasms (check out “15 Women Share Their Personal Hacks For Better Orgasms (And Sex Overall)”). Oh, but if it is (or if you’ve always been curious about it), why not approach cannabis from a strictly sexual angle? At the very least, you’ll get a bit of a euphoric feel. At the most, you’ll have an avenue to experience more of the orgasms that you crave.
Hell, sounds like a win/win to me, sis.
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Featured image by Peter Dazeley/Getty Images