What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'
Listen, I don’t know if this is a vent, a creative intro, or what, but when I tell you that before I got my holistic life coaching certification, there were some other students up in there who were trying me…BIG TIME? Chile…CHILE.
It has always been my personal belief that there is an epidemic of individuals (including quite a few folks who check off the traits of narcissism in some pretty stellar ways) who work in mental health, who actually need to receive therapy before they actually start giving it. Shoot, I won’t name no names (there are too many of ‘em at this point, to be honest), yet a lot of them are yapping away on TikTok as we speak. Indeed, some people would rather take the ego boost from helping other people than do the — and please trust me when I say this — sometimes excruciating self-work that is required to fix their own issues.
What Does It Mean To Hold Yourself Accountable?
Case in point. There is a particular student who wanted me to coach them. I even offered to do it for free. Not only did they blow off two sessions; one time, they only acknowledged it because they ran into me in class; the other time, they said absolutely nothing. Not only does this translate into them being someone who doesn’t value other people’s time, not only does it come off that their word is on the flaky side — as they’re in the process of wanting to coach other folks on how to get their own ish together, what it really says is they’re not very good at holding their own selves accountable.
I guess the silver lining in them being inconsiderate of my schedule/time and then not acknowledging it (chile) is they served as a teachable moment and the inspiration for this particular piece — ‘cause y’all, when I say that one of the most underrated causes of stagnation, evolution, and relational longevity are people who suck at holding their own selves accountable for their own words and actions? Because, at the end of the day, self-accountability is all about taking full responsibility for what you say and do without trying to put the blame on other people.
Yeah, let me get off of the vent and dive right on in…
How To Practice Holding Yourself Accountable
Accountability Is a Sign of Self-Awareness
Giphy“To know yourself, you must sacrifice the illusion that you already do.” (Vironika Tugaleva)
Since accountability is one of those words that so many people regularly use, all the while assuming that everyone knows what it means, I figured the best way to approach this topic is to break down some of the traits of a truly accountable individual — and since there is no way to be accountable without being self-aware, let’s start there.
To be honest with you, self-awareness manifests itself in a myriad of ways:
- Self-aware people know their strengths and weaknesses
- Self-aware people are cognizant of how their energy and presence affect those around them
- Self-aware people are able to express their emotions in a clear, concise, and mature way
- Self-aware people are able to hear other folks out when it comes to their views and perspectives
- Self-aware people have good boundariesand respect the boundaries of others
- Self-aware people own their mistakes without making excuses, justifying, or deflecting
- Self-aware people make apologies and accept them (because they know they need the same mercy that they bestow)
- Self-aware people are mindful and remain in the present (because that’s all they can “control”)
- Self-aware people know how to fight fair
- Self-aware people respond rather than react (they process things and determine the most beneficial way to address matters before they speak)
Look here — I’m willing to bet some pretty good money that the number of folks who would immediately become more accountable would easily be in the thousands if they simply focused on what it means to be self-aware…first. That said, how self-aware are you? Be honest.
Accountability Is a Sign of Maturity
Giphy"Maturity is achieved when a person postpones immediate pleasures for long-term values." (Joshua L. Liebman)
If you’ve been rocking with me, content-wise, for a while now, then you already know that one of my absolute favorite quotes is “Adulthood is surviving childhood.” And since there are plenty of studies to support that the age where a child is traumatized is oftentimes the emotional stage that they remain until they get some professional help, it actually makes a lot of sense why some adults act like big kids. That’s why, if there’s one thing that I enjoy about the truly great Black family channelBeleaf in Fatherhood, it’s that the parents show what it means to handle accountability in a mature way in spite of their kids sometimes handling matters immaturely — because they are well…kids.
That’s why it tickles me when the whole “What do you bring to the table?” conversation comes up, and folks will respond with, “I’ve got a place, a car, and I pay my own bills.” Umm, you mean you’re an adult? Not sure how many brownie points you should actually get for that once you reach adult age. And honestly, maturity should come with adulting as well. In fact, as you get older, maturity should be evolving in your life — that includes when it comes to personal accountability.
So, what does it mean to be a mature person? For starters, mature people can control their emotions; are not impulsive; do not need immediate gratification; are not self-centered; do not blame others for their own stuff; do not resort to pettiness, and do not make irresponsible decisions. When you process all of this, it’s easy to see why children need to be taught how to hold themselves accountable — it’s because they tend to not be very good at any of this. We, as grown-ass people, though? We absolutely should be.
Accountability Is a Sign of Humility
Giphy"True humility is being able to accept criticisms as graciously as we accept compliments." (Sabrina Newby)
This culture is hella backward. Although humility is actually a virtuous trait to have, society spends a lot of time trying to present it as some sort of weakness. And here’s the (main) problem with that: when you’re arrogant; overbearing; unteachable (can’t be told or corrected about anything); presumptuous; aggressive; smug, and self-centered — does that seem like someone who would do a good job at holding themselves accountable?
An extreme example of this would probably be the orange man, Donald Trump. His narcissism is so off-the-charts that, no matter how much evidence of his ridiculousness he’s presented with, he finds some way to skirt around it and not own it. That’s what egomania does: it makes you think that you’re too good to make mistakes and/or take on the consequences whenever you do — and that’s a very dangerous way to live your life.
Synonyms for humility include words like meek, unpretentious, and unassuming. When I think of those words, things like being flexible and correctable come to mind. And the beautiful thing about all of this, as it directly relates to personal accountability is, there’s no way that you can hold yourself responsible unless these qualities are not alive, well, and very active in you. Are they?
Accountability Is a Sign of Personal Responsibility
Giphy“The final forming of a person's character lies in their own hands.” (Anne Frank)
There is someone in my family who, without even really asking me, had me pack up their things in storage and pay the bill for years. I mean, several years. Every time they would come to visit (they moved far away), I would say, “When are you going to send for your things?” and they would basically give me the Elmo shrug. That is, until the storage unit got robbed, I was out of literally thousands of dollars, and they had the nerve to get mad at me about it. Umm, if you had come to get your stuff, this wouldn’t have happened. Take some personal responsibility. Geeze.
Back when they could emotionally bully me, they could get away with that type of craziness. Not now, though. They aren’t good at personal responsibility, never really have been, and so some firm boundaries have been put into place — because individuals who don’t hold themselves responsible are gonna be a liability in your life, one way or another.
Just for the record, here are some signs of how responsible people get down: they respect other people’s time and resources; they organize their life in a way where it won’t “fall into” unnecessary drama and chaos; they plan ahead; they tell the truth; they keep their commitments and follow through on their obligations; they don’t just own mistakes, they seek to correct them; they’re not driven by emotion(s), and they stick to their values and standards, no matter what.
Yeah, a responsible person is a trustworthy individual. And that brings me to the next point.
Accountability Is a Sign of Being Trustworthy
Giphy“Being consistent in your behavior is a great way to build trust.” (Germany Kent)
The older (and prayerfully wiser) I become, the more consistency matters to me. Honestly, on a few levels, that’s always been the case because I grew up in a home that, in many ways, was pretty consistent about being inconsistent — and you can’t really trust people who move like that because you never really know what to expect at any given moment and time (which sucks for a child’s overall health and well-being if you happen to be a parent, by the way).
And here’s the thing about consistency — it’s not about being perfect or getting everything right all of the time. Consistency is about not being erratic in your behavior, meaning what you say, and living in a way that isn’t constantly in conflict. For instance, my friends know that I’m consistent about “Don’t ask me a question if you don’t want a pretty direct answer,” “Don’t expect me to be super available on the biblical Sabbath” and “I couldn’t care less about holidays yet my birthday? Yeah…show up.” This stuff never — and I mean, NEVER — changes, so they trust me to be this way when it comes to those specific topics.
On a grander scale, how does trustworthiness show up?
- Trustworthy people are safe (including emotionally safe) to be around
- Trustworthy people do not violate articulated boundaries
- Trustworthy people don’t say one thing and do something else
- Trustworthy people are honest with themselves and others
- Trustworthy people are genuine; they don’t put on facades
- Trustworthy people hold information in great confidence
- Trustworthy people are considerate of other people’s feelings and needs
Trustworthy people are the ones you can call with a secret, in an emergency, or if you are in need because they have already displayed the kind of character that reveals how reliable they are — and there is no way that you can be a reliable person if you’re not someone who holds yourself accountable.
Accountability Is a Sign of Being Solutions-Oriented
Giphy“A problem is a chance for you to do your best.” (Duke Ellington)
One more. Personally, something that drives me up the wall about people who don’t take accountability for the things that they say and/or do is they’re exhausting to be around. One of the reasons why is that when you don’t take accountability for mistakes, offenses, or inadvertent missteps, that can cause a domino effect of other issues or problems — and that’s a complete waste of time and energy.
This includes individuals who don’t apologize. When you know that you messed up, why not just own your ish so that the healing process can begin and everyone can move smoothly within the relationship? That’s how someone who doesn’t like a lot of stress and drama would operate. Yeah, and if your immediate response to that is, “I don’t really care how they feel about it” — well, it’s kind of another article for another time, yet not only is your pride a sign of emotional immaturity, but if you feel that apathetic towards other individuals, you’re not the safest individual to be around either (#sorrynotsorry).
Definitely, one of the best things about personal accountability is you like a drama-free existence which means that you’re as solutions-oriented as possible. And if that means choosing peace over being right all of the time (especially when you know that you’re not), focusing more on the future than the past, strengthening your areas of weakness so that you can break certain patterns and habits…so be it.
You’ll take the “hit” because the sooner you’re accountable, the sooner a solution is found, and life is all good. And that’s just what makes holding yourself accountable so great — it keeps you in a more consistent state of harmony and clarity. And that’s beyond bomb. Trust me.
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Featured image by fotostorm/Getty Images
- What Is The 'Johari Window' And Why It's Bomb When It Comes To Increasing Self-Awareness ›
- These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily ›
- Learn Your Value, Find Peace: How To Heal From A Situationship ›
- 7 Questions You Should Definitely Ask Yourself At The End Of Each Week ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images