I'm in my 40s. Therefore, I remember mixtapes very well. I'm also a really big fan of music which is why, when it came to some of the guys I slept with, I preferred for there to be no music playing in the background at all. Not because music doesn't set the mood; it's actually because it does it far too well. To this day, if I hear R. Kelly's "Seems Like You're Ready", D'Angelo's "Lady" or "So Anxious" by Ginuwine, my mind immediately goes back to particular people and, umm, activities. And since I actually do want to listen to R&B for the rest of my life, I had to be careful about how songs were able to—pardon the pun—penetrate my mind and heart space during the act.
I thought about all of this as I was talking to a couple who absolutely adores the super sensual and sex-triggering slow jam "Breathe" by Raheem DeVaughn. As they shared with me some of the things that makes each time feel about as good as the first time, even 12 years later—yeah, talk about relationship goals—they told me that they create a new playlist for sex every season. That's right—four times a year. They said that putting the tracks together gets them extra hype. Then, when they play them, it feels like each song was written just for them and their love life—and that makes the intimacy that much more intense. As a bonus, whenever they listen to old playlists, it will take them back to a certain experience, position or technique and that inspires them to replay the moment all over again.
Just so I could put Raheem's song into better perspective, I went home to re-listen to it after having that convo. Apparently he agrees with where they were coming from because, peep this line—"I know your favorite love song and how you like it on repeat/I was born a patient lover, so I'll start with your feet." Wheeeeew…wheeeee.
It's one thing to have great sex moments. Hopefully, we've all had that. But after taking in the pearls of wisdom from the couple who seemed to get so hot discussing their sex life that I wondered if they were gonna strip right in front of me—again, relationship goals—it inspired me to share some of what takes for two individuals to go from having good sex every once in a while to having unbelievable sex, pretty much every single time that they do it.
1. They Really Like Sex. Like REALLY Like It.
Something that I don't think gets talked about nearly enough is how many people actually like sex. I don't mean they're attracted to their partner or that they can get into it once the right spot is touched or kissed. What I mean is, they have a really hard time, even going a week without experiencing the act itself. That it's something they find to be enjoyable, it's something they are super fond of, and it's something that they prefer doing over…a billion other things. These are the kind of individuals who really like sex—and when you like something, you want to do it as often as you can. You also want to get better and better at it so that you can grow to like it that much more.
I can't tell you how many sessions I've sat in where a woman has said to me, "I can go months without sex and I'm good." If you mean "good" in the sense of being a single woman who isn't going to settle when it comes to choosing a partner, I'm with you. If you're a wife telling me this, that is anything but good. What many conversations have revealed is, oftentimes, it has little to do with their relationship and more to do with their views on sex overall. This why, I had to lead off with, if you want to have a consistently awesome sex life, first ask yourself how "into sex" you are to begin with. People who have great sex on a regular basis already know the answer to that question.
2. They See Sex As Being Necessary. VERY NECESSARY.
For the past few years, something that I've been trying to make a regular part of my daily practice is the art of minimalism—figuring out what I actually need while not feeling like all of my wants are something that automatically should be pursued. Since doing this, my finances have stabilized, I have less debt and honestly, I feel lighter because I'm not clouded with so much excess…so much stuff. Where exactly am I going with this? Unfortunately, if a lot of people were asked if sex was a need or not, many of them would say "no". They would probably say something along the lines of it being something that's fun to do and, with the right person, a beautiful experience. But at the same time, if someone were to ask them if they found sex to be a very necessary part of their lifestyle, they might just say "Eh" and shrug their shoulders.
This isn't the case for couples who have consistently great sex. There's food, water, shelter—and sex. And here's the thing about when you see something as being a need—you make provisions for it, you make time for it, you rely on it to provide for some aspect of your life.
The things that I want, I'll get around to those at some point. The things that I need, those are top priorities, no matter what. See the difference? Couples who have the best sex treat their sex life like Column B not Column A.
3. They Practice Sexual Mindfulness
One of the worst things that someone can be during sex is mentally preoccupied. In other words, they aren't completely present or fully in the moment. While their body is doing one thing, their mind is thinking about the project they've got to finish, the bill that needs to be paid or even, someone other than their partner. Meanwhile, couples who have great sex on a consistent basis? Something that is important to them is practicing mindfulness.
"Mindful" is such a trendy self-help word these days but one of my favorite definitions is found in the Merriam-Webster Dictionary—"the practice of maintaining a nonjudgmental state of heightened or complete awareness of one's thoughts, emotions, or experiences on a moment-to-moment basis." Two people who are intentional about being non-judgmental of one another's bodies or performance while sharing each other's thoughts and remaining aware of one another's emotions? Shoot, that's getting me all hot 'n bothered just thinking about it. Yep, sexual mindfulness is the dopest of the dope.
4. They Are Mad Adventurous
While checking out an article that said most women "go off of sex" at some point in a long-term relationship, guess the reason that was given? Boredom. Sheer boredom. I get why too because when we're bored, we're uninspired, creativity has gone totally out of the window and everything is pretty predictable. Hmph. When you apply all of this to sex, the phrase "tedious repetition" (a definition for being bored) comes to mind. Boring sex sometimes isn't bad…it's just…boring. It pretty much comes down to going through the motions, and when sex is like that, checking out a movie you've never seen or even painting your nails a new color can be more compelling.
For couples who have an incredible sex life, they absolutely can't relate to wanting to substitute something for sex…especially while they are having it. A part of the reason why is because of how adventurous they are. They like having sex in new places. They enjoy testing out new positions. Some even have sex-themed vision boards or bucket lists. To them, the key to improving their sex life is figuring out how to top themselves as often as possible. Yeah, their sex life is never boring. More than that, their sex life is always satisfying.
5. They Make Sure They Are Emotionally Connected
Oftentimes, when someone hears the phrase "emotional connection", love or even being in love is what comes to mind. While this tends to be the case for a lot of sexually active couples, there are some individuals who have great sex, even if love isn't exactly on the radar (or on the radar yet). How is that possible? They listen to each other. They esteem each other. They make sure that they both feel safe in one another's presence. They feel close even when there is no physical interaction taking place. When it comes to their personal dynamic, they don't question if the other values them or appreciates having them in their lives. There is peace without drama. This is what a healthy emotional connection looks like. And when you feel secure and comfortable with your partner, it's the foundation for the kind of sexual relationship that only gets better and better with time.
6. They’ve Got a “Nasty Meter”
OK so, y'all. Our managing editor is someone that I communicate with, at least a couple of times a week. If you check for her article byline (Sheriden Chanel), you'll notice that most of her content is sex-related, so it's not like it's a secret that she's a free spirit. But after listening to the xoHappyHour Podcast episode "What My Parents Never Told Me About Sex"? Let me just say this—if you're still trying to figure out the differences in the three voices, Sheriden is going to be the one who says the most "Umm…wow" stuff when it comes to sex and sexuality. Truly, her nastiness meter knows no bounds. NO. BOUNDS. I'm willing to bet that she has had some pretty phenomenal experiences because of it too.
And why am I using the word "nasty" instead of uninhibited? Whenever I think of intense, sweaty, no holds barred sex, for some reason Janet Jackson's track to "Nasty" plays in my mind—"I don't like no nasty car, I don't like a nasty food/The only nasty thing I like is the nasty groove/Huh, will this one do?/Uh-huh, I know".
Nasty grooves. No inhibitions. Let's. Do. This…FOR REAL. If there are a list of rules for folks who consistently have great sex, those phrases would about sum it up.
7. They Are Open, Honest and Real
Anyone who is in a healthy relationship, they are going to say that communication is a main component to a satisfying and lasting connection with someone. When you're truly able to communicate, you are able to be open, honest and real. Well, when it comes to sexual activity, this means being open about what your desires are, honest about what is and isn't working for you and real—really real—about what you want your overall sexual experience to be like.
While we're on the word "open", folks who have great sex on a regular basis also tend to be open-minded. Certain things that they naturally might not have been willing to try before, because they trust their partner, they are willing to explore more than usual. This doesn't mean that they allow themselves to be forced or even manipulated into doing what they don't want to do. But what it does mean is because their relationship is so safe and authentic, certain things are definitely up for negotiation.
8. They Don’t Overthink Everything
Does my body look good with the lights on? Will she think I'm big enough? Is my vagina ugly? What if I cum too quick? What if I can't climax at all?? Is she excited? Am I wet enough? Goodness. If there is a super underrated reason for why more couples aren't having consistently fulfilling sexual experiences, it's that one or both individuals are thinking way too hard—and for the life of me, I don't know why. The more research I do on overthinking, the more toxic I see the habit actually is. Overthinking brings forth anxiety. Overthinking tends to create negative hypothetical situations that will probably never manifest. On the sexual tip, overthinking can prevent us from relaxing, letting loose and totally enjoying our partner.
Couples who have amazing sex on a constant basis know this. That's why they don't spend a lot of time worrying about body image or even their performance. As the late great Luke Perry, as Dylan McKay on Beverly Hills, 90210, said on the night he and Brenda had sex for the first time, "We're not going to be judging each other. We're going to be enjoying each other." Words to live by. Very much so.
9. They Are More Focused on Giving than Receiving
If someone were to ask me what my favorite sex-related word was, in this season of my life, the answer would probably surprise them. Generous. There is nothing like experiencing copulation with someone who is a generous individual. When you're generous, you're liberal in how you give. When you are generous, you're unselfish. Generous people are also considerate, thoughtful, willing, ungrudging and totally free. They are the kind of lovers who enjoy giving oral sex because they like to see their partner happy. They are the type of partner who doesn't feel like sex is complete unless their partner climaxes.
Individuals who only give to get deserve all kinds of side-eye because, not only does that represent having a self-centered mentality, but it also reveals a lack of sexual maturity too. However, couples who are happiest when their partner is happy—how can the sex not totally be off-of-the-chain?
10. They Seek to Affirm and Heal with Every Experience
This one right here is probably my favorite. The reason why I say that is because, there are some sex partners and experiences that I've had that, as far as the act itself, things were pretty cool. But when it came to the actual person, in hindsight, they ended up doing me more harm than good.
Since sex is the kind of act that involves our mind, body and spirit, it's important to share the experience with someone who affirms every aspect of your being. It's even better when you are able to walk away feeling like some part of you was even healed in some way.
This is what I try and convey with the married couples that I work with. When they took vows to commit to the "becoming one process", a part of what should come with that is using sexual intimacy as a conduit to uphold and support their partner, to remind their partner of their beauty and worth—to make them feel like if there is anyplace where they can truly be "naked and not ashamed", it's with them.
And when you know that you know…that you know that you're sharing a bed with someone who wants to even use the act of sex to improve your quality of life as well as to soothe and restore you—whew! Why wouldn't you want to be in the presence of that kind of greatness, just as much as you possibly can? Anyone reading this who has great sex on a regular basis, I am confident that they are nodding their head in total agreement because this is exactly how they feel about their partner. And you know what, y'all? It doesn't get much better than that. Do it. (Pun totally intended.)
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be
How To Orgasm With Your Partner At The Same Time
Here's How To Make Morning Sex...Sexier
Why We Should Stop Using The Phrase "Make Love" So Much
Did you know that xoNecole has a podcast? Subscribe on Apple Podcasts or Spotify to join us for weekly convos over cocktails (without the early morning hangover.)
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
There’s just something about HBCU Homecoming that just hits different. Whether it’s your first time stepping onto the yard since graduation or you’re a regular at every Homecoming tailgate, HBCU pride is undeniable. It’s a vibrant celebration that unites the legacy of excellence and tradition with the energy and resilience of Black culture.
The experience goes beyond a typical college reunion; HBCU Homecoming is a family reunion, a fashion show, a cultural festival, and a week-long turn-up that embodies what it means to be unapologetically Black and educated. For HBCU alumni, the journey back to the yard each year is rooted in a love and pride that’s hard to put into words but impossible to deny.
From statement pieces to tech must-haves, every item represents the intersection of Black pride and HBCU love, ensuring that you show up to the yard in style and with intention. So whether you’re repping your alma mater for the first time since graduation or looking for fresh pieces to express your HBCU pride, these essentials will have you standing out, because, at HBCU Homecoming, it’s not just about showing up—it’s about showing out.
Thread Goals
diarrablu Jant Pants in Alia Noir
High-waisted, wide-legged, and ready to shut down the yard, the Jant Pants by diarrablu bring a whole new meaning to campus chic. Handcrafted in Dakar, Senegal, these free-flowing jacquard pants are perfect for stepping onto the yard with style and ease—making them a must-have for any HBCU alum’s closet.
Silver & Riley Convertible Executive Leather Bag Classic Size in Olive
This all-in-one luxury bag isn’t a bestseller for nothing. The Silver & Riley essential is made of Italian calfskin leather and thoughtfully designed, as it can be worn in four different ways: a shoulder bag, crossbody, a top handle, and a backpack. Chic and elegant, the Convertible Executive Leather bag is “the bag that every woman needs in her collection.”
Renowned Women's Intuition Cotton Graphic T-Shirt
Renowned
Renowned’s Women’s Intuition Cotton Graphic T-shirt features a bold graphic print inspired by the power and essence of women’s intuition. With its striking design, this all-cotton tee is a vibrant thing, making it a statement piece that celebrates feminine energy.
Mifland Million M Mesh Crop Shirt
Talk about bold, the Million M Mesh Crop Shirt combines edgy style with comfort, featuring Mifland’s signature print on a semi-see-through mesh fabric. Show up and show out in sophisticated flair.
HBCU Love FUBU
Melanin Is Life Melanated & Educated - I Love My HBCU Hoodie
Show off your HBCU love with this piece that represents everything you gained from your alma mater: a top-tier education, a community that lifts you up, and a deep sense of esteem for yourself and your culture. Wear it loud and proud, because being melanated and educated isn’t just a flex—it’s a legacy.
HBCU Culture Spelmanite Sweatshirt in Navy
Spelmanites, rep your Spelman pride with this unisex crewneck sweatshirt, designed for ultimate comfort and a relaxed fit. Made from a cozy cotton/polyester blend, this classic sweatshirt is as durable as it is stylish—making it an ideal piece for any Spelmanite showing love for their alma mater.
HBCU Culture Howard Is The Culture T-Shirt
Rock the ultimate flex by showcasing your Howard U love with HBCU Culture’s Howard Is The Culture t-shirt. This unisex tee offers a comfortable, relaxed fit that’s perfect for celebrating your HBCU spirit without sacrificing style or comfort.
DungeonForward FAMU - Strike Bucket - Reversible
DungeonForward’s Strike Bucket Hat brings versatility and style to the FAMU Crown collection with its reversible design, giving you two looks in one. Featuring a sleek black snakeskin-embossed brim lining and a bold outline Rattler emblem, this hat is all about repping your Rattler pride in style.
DungeonForward Savannah State University - HBCU Hat - TheYard
The Savannah State University HBCU Hat by DungeonForward is more than just a hat—it’s a symbol of Tiger pride and a nod to the culture. Perfect for gamedays, tailgates, or just showing off your HBCU love, this hat lets you carry a piece of the yard wherever you go.
Tech the Halls
Anker iPhone 16 Portable Charger, Nano Power Bank
Stay charged up with the Anker Nano Power Bank, which features dual USB-C ports, a foldable connector, and a compact design, making it perfect for those HBCU tailgates and late-night parties you pull up to.
Drip Check
Wisdom Frame 14 Square Sunglasses
Elevate your look with these angular square-frame sunglasses by Wisdom, bringing an ultramodern edge to any outfit. The sleek design makes them perfect for blocking out the haters while you stunt on the yard.
Coco and Breezy Eyewear Fortune in Gray Turquoise
The Fortune Glasses in Grey Turquoise is a bold statement piece to any Homecoming weekend ‘fit that “embody our fearless and outspoken DNA.” With their color and edgy design, these frames by Coco and Breezy are perfect for anyone looking to stand out and express their unapologetic confidence.
Howard U Lapel Pin
Rep your Bison pride wherever you go with this Howard U Lapel Pin from Pretty AmbVision. Whether adding it to your jacket, shirt, or bag, this pin is the perfect way to showcase your love for your alma mater while rocking your HBCU love with honor and distinction.
Mifland Standard Rucksack Mini
The Standard Rucksack is designed to evolve like that HBCU pride—getting richer, bolder, and better with time. Durable, stylish, and built to last, this Rucksack by Mifland is a timeless piece equipped with versatile carrying options and fully adjustable back straps for ultimate comfort.
Stay Fresh, Stay Blessed
Slip Pure Silk Sleep Mask in Pink
Keeping it cute starts with beauty sleep. This luxurious silk mask is an essential for a reason. If protecting your skin and waking up refreshed is your priority, look no further than this Homecoming essential.
Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier Lemon Lime - Hydration Powder Packets
Stay hydrated and energized throughout Homecoming weekend with this Liquid I.V.® Hydration Multiplier in Lemon Lime. Just add a packet to your water bottle, and bless your body with 2-3 times more hydration than water with every packet. Because staying hydrated is the key to popping up and showing out all weekend long!
Loop Experience Plus Earplugs High Fidelity Hearing Protection
Designed for your hearing protection, these sleek earplugs reduce noise without compromising sound quality—perfect for enjoying the band’s halftime show, late-night parties, and DJ sets. Whether you’re front row at the step show or hitting the yard, your ears deserve to be protected in style!
Black Girl Magic Glass Cup
Sip in style and celebrate your melanin with the Black Girl Magic Glass Cup. Perfect for morning coffee, your favorite iced drink, or showing off your HBCU pride on the yard—this cup is all about keeping it cute while radiating your endless supply of Black Girl Magic.
Glow Up & Show Out
Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30
What Homecoming weekend can be complete without an assist from this beauty find? Formulated to blend seamlessly into melanin-rich skin (no white-cast), protect your glow while you turn up with the Black Girl Sunscreen SPF 30.
Sienna Naturals Issa Rae's Wash Day Ritual Set
Issa Rae’s Wash Day Ritual Set from Sienna Naturals includes the H.A.PI. Shampoo, the Plant Power Repair Mask, Dew Magic, and Lock and Seal to get your crown right. Whether you’re repping your coils or rocking a new color on the yard, these products restore and nourish your strands, keeping your hair healthy, strong, and Homecoming-ready!
54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter
Stay glowing from the tailgate to the after-party with the 54 Thrones Ivorian Cocoa + Ghanaian Coconut Beauty Butter. Infused with African-sourced ingredients, this rich, multi-purpose butter is the answer to keeping your skin soft and radiant through all the festivities all Homecoming long.
Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil
Keep your lips looking luscious and nourished with the Saie Glossybounce Hydrating Lip Oil. Perfect for adding an extra pop to your pout before hitting the yard or freshening up between events, this lip oil is a beauty essential for staying camera-ready all weekend.
Join us in celebrating HBCU excellence! Check out our Best In Class hub for inspiring stories, empowering resources, and everything you need to embrace the HBCU experience.
Featured image by Visual Vic/Getty Images
Okay, so when you hear the term “mental health,” what immediately comes to your mind? As a marriage life coach, for me, it’s oftentimes articles that have to do with some sort of mental health-related crisis or, even when it comes to many of my clients, trying to help a relationship when it’s on the brink of total and utter despair. That’s really unfortunate too because, in my opinion, if more focus was placed on signs that we are in a great mental space and more tips were provided on how to either get or remain there, I think a lot of us would find ourselves in far more positive space — a lot more of the time.
And just what are some indications that you’re doing well on the emotional wellness tip? You really like yourself. You treat others the way that you want to be treated. You live with a spirit of gratitude. You know how to adjust well to change and differences (within and outside of yourself). You are aware of your purpose and are doing all that you can to manifest it on a daily basis (check out “What Does It Mean To Have 'Purposeful Relationships'?,” “Please Stop Picking People Who Don't 'Fit' Your Purpose” and “How To Handle 'Purpose Fatigue'”).
And how do you know when it’s time to put everything aside and tend to your mental health? When you feel any type of extreme fatigue, whether it’s physical, mental, or emotional; when your attitude is sarcastic, cynical, or apathetic; when you’re not giving your best to what you are doing (or have no clue why you are doing some of the things that you are doing); when you’re sacrificing too much of who you are in order to make something (or things) work, and/or when your spiritual self is compromised.
Today, if any of those warning signs just resonated with you, I’m gonna do you a solid. In the spirit of getting — and keeping — you in a great mental health state, here are 12 hacks that can help you out if you’re needing a bit of a right-now-pick-me-up.
1. Wear a Bright Color
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Whether you choose to believe it or not, color psychology is a very real thing. Yep, there is quite a bit of data out here to support that the colors that you choose to surround yourself with can have an impact on your mood(s). For instance, I read an article that said over half of individuals associate black with sadness, red with love, and yellow with joy.
So, if you happen to wake up on the wrong side of the bed one morning, before you pull out something black because perhaps it’s slimming or even convenient, why not go with a bright hue instead? Orange can give you an energy boost, green conveys joy and lilac cultivates a feeling of calm. (Color) psychology says so.
2. Rub Some Clementine Oil on a Pressure Point
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Something that I’m always gonna be good for is hipping you to an essential oil that you may not have heard of before, and today, it’s clementine oil. Whether you’re looking for a way to strengthen your immunity, bring some health and beauty to your skin, or want to feel better on your way to work (or you need something that will help you to get you through the rest of your workday), clementine oil has a reputation for making all of these things happen.
The reason why it’s a good idea to apply it to places like your hands or feet is because there are many nerve endings in both spots that connect throughout your body. Plus, essential oils have a tendency to absorb well (and fast) in those places, too.
3. Snack on Some Sunflower or Pumpkin Seeds
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If you’ve always looked at snacking as a low-key cuss word, this would be the day to stop doing that. So long as you snack on the right kinds of foods and do it in moderation, it can actually be beneficial for you. For instance, as far as your mental health is concerned, snacking can help raise your blood sugar levels (in a good way) and provide you with an energy boost.
Two low-calorie snacks that are especially beneficial as far as maintaining your mental health is concerned are sunflower seeds and pumpkin seeds.
Sunflower seeds contain magnesium and zinc which can help calm your nerves (yes, literally), along with vitamin E (which reduces oxidative stress) and protein (which boosts brain health). As far as pumpkin seeds go, they also are an excellent source of magnesium and protein, plus they have a lot of manganese in them which is a nutrient that helps improve brain health and even reduce PMS-related symptoms.
4. Listen to Some Pop. Or Hip-Hop.
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While checking out an article entitled, “Improving Mental Health Through Music,” I got to thinking about how listening to Michael McDonald’s “I Can Let Go Now” will damn near turn me into a basket case, and yet The Pharcyde’s “Drop” (which is one of the best visuals ever made; I’m not debating it either) will immediately get my head to bobbin’ and my mind to feeling great.
Yes, music is powerful, and we really need to be careful when it comes to what we listen to…and also when. Anyway, if you’re curious about which genres are reportedly best for your mental health (because they help to release the feel-good chemical dopamine into your system) — pop, hip-hop, alternative, rock, classical (if you need help focusing), and jazz can reduce stress and even increase longevity.
5. Take a Power Nap
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It’s pretty common for people to ask me how I am able to write about relationships and then listen to people talk about them without losing my mind. Well, for one thing, God made me this way. That said, one of my surefire hacks is to take a freakin’ nap — especially after a long session (some of mine last for two hours at a time!). Listen, even if you can only get 15 minutes in (anything over 30 minutes is more than just a simple power nap, by the way), it can help reduce fatigue, increase awareness and alertness, and help you feel good so that you will perform better.
Chile, naps shouldn’t be seen as something that only kindergarteners do. Adults would be so much more pleasant to be around if more got a power nap in as well.
6. Put a “Timer” on Your Social Media
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There’s no telling how many times on this platform I’ve said that the average American spends a whopping 2.5 hours on social media on a daily basis. That’s five 30-minute sitcom episodes — yes, that is a long time. What’s wild to me is while parents will talk about their kids needing their social media time monitored because too much is not good for their mental health (which is true) — parents need to lead by example because data says that when not consumed in extreme moderation, social media isn’t the best for grown folks either.
All of that information — especially the negative stuff, and there is PLENTY of that — increases anxiety, disrupts sleep, can lead to memory loss, may cause you to feel lonely, and can do a real number on your self-esteem. So, how much time should be allotted to your Instagram and TikTok accounts? Many mental experts say somewhere around 30 minutes a day should be the max.
And listen, if you just read that and can’t even fathom that timeframe because you feel like you’d go crazy without more time online, you’re the main one who should try it out (check out “10 Ways To Keep Social Media From Triggering You (So Much)” and “8 Solid Reasons To Put. Your Phone. Down.”). #justsaying
7. Put a “Timer” on Your Worries Too
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Roy T. Bennett once said, “Instead of worrying about what you cannot control, shift your energy to what you can create.” Marcus Aurelius once said, “Never let the future disturb you. You will meet it, if you have to, with the same weapons of reason which today arm you against the present.” The Dalai Lama XIV once said, “If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”
And do you know what all of these quotes have in common? A reminder to not be a control freak and to be more flexible in life. Now, is worrying normal? It is. However, what I will tell you from very up close and personal experience is a lot of ego is caught up in worry because, essentially, we’re trying to control what oftentimes can’t be controlled. Once humility comes into play, once you accept that all you can do is your best, once you don’t try to create every “puzzle piece” of a particular overall picture, you’ll be amazed at how calm you become.
I didn’t say that you’ll like or understand what’s going on; I’m just saying that you won’t be trying to do more than what you can — or should. Even biblical Scripture says, "Therefore I say to you, do not worry about your life, what you will eat or what you will drink; nor about your body, what you will put on. Is not life more than food and the body more than clothing?" (Matthew 6:25 — NKJV) So, if something has you worried right now, say to yourself, “I’m going to semi-obsess over this for 30 minutes, and then I’m going to just do my best and let it go.” It’s the hack of all hacks. Try it and see.
8. Turn Off Your Notifications for Half of the Day
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I seriously doubt that any of you are surprised to know that almost 60 percent of Americans think that folks are far too addicted to their phones. To prove that point, I once read that most of us tend to look at our phones as much as 144 times a day. SMDH. And in between constantly staring at your screen and then hearing (or feeling if they’re set on vibrate) your notifications going off — it’s no wonder you and others are feeling more stressed out and distracted than ever.
That’s why, at the very least, consider turning your notifications off for half of the day — at least when it comes to your social media accounts. Very few of my notifications make a sound, and life is good that way. And honestly, whatever someone wants me to know (or I’m being nosy about), it’ll be there when I get around to it. The earth isn’t going to crumble if it’s not immediately. TRUST ME.
9. Get into a Yoga Position (or Two)
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If stress, anxiety, or even depression-related symptoms are something that you struggle with, you might want to sign up for a yoga class. Science has proven that yoga can help to create calm and clarity, and it can even help to center you. And what if you are feeling low or somewhat off-kilter and you need an immediate boost? Yoga poses like the Upward Salute, the Modified Child Pose, and the Easy Pose (all of which are demonstrated here) are ones that you can easily do wherever you are — whether you have a yoga instructor around or not.
10. Buy Yourself Some Flowers
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Something that I used to do, that I really need to get back into the habit of doing, is buying myself a bouquet of fresh flowers. It used to be a practice of mine to pick some up every Friday, and it has just…slipped away from me lately. Aside from the fact that doing it makes me feel pretty and feminine, science backs the mental health benefits of flowers.
Research says that flowers can immediately make you feel happier, and if you’re feeling a lil’ stressed out, they can help you to feel calmer as well. And even though pretty much any floral arrangement can help you out in this department, if you’re curious about what different blooms represent, there is a very comprehensive list that you can check out here.
11. Do Something for Someone Else. Anonymously.
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King Solomon once said, “So are the ways of everyone who is greedy for gain; It takes away the life of its owners.” (Proverbs 1:19 — NKJV) When it comes to money and resources, greed, hoarding, or selfishness has never been my thing. I like to give (I very rarely loan; that too can lead to unnecessary stress) in part because it’s fun to see how the universe will give back — and it never ceases to amaze.
Anyway, as far as mental health goes, studies reveal that doing for others increases your self-esteem levels, reduces your stress, puts you in a better mood, and can make you feel happier overall. So, why not do something thoughtful for someone else today? Oh, and try to do it anonymously. It’s a good gut check to make sure that you really are giving out of the goodness of your heart and not some sort of mercenary (or ego) based agenda — or shoot, stratagem.
12. Honor Yourself
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It’s pretty difficult to have good mental health if you don’t prioritize yourself and your own needs. That’s why I decided to close this out by simply saying that it’s REALLY IMPORTANT, CRITICAL EVEN, to honor yourself. What I mean by that is you need to do the things that honor defines: you need to move with honesty and integrity (especially when it comes to yourself), you need to treat yourself with the utmost level of self-respect, and you need to act like you are a privilege to know and be around.
Some articles that can help you to do all of these things include “8 Ways To Be So Much Kinder To Yourself. Starting Today.,” “12 Ways To Be Far More Self-Compassionate Every Day,” and “10 Hacks To Give You More Quality Time. With Yourself.”
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Your mental health is paramount. Hopefully, these tips will help you to get where you want to be, mentally and emotionally, because, being in a good headspace? That is something that you absolutely deserve, sis. 1000 percent.
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