

Self-esteem is one of those words that we hear a ton, right? Tell me something. Whenever you do, what immediately comes to your own mind? While there are literally thousands of self-help books, blogs and articles on the topic, I think the easiest breakdown would be that self-esteem is about how you determine your own worth. The reason why this matters so much is because knowing what your worth is determines the choices that you'll make—and that can ultimately determine your destiny.
While, for a lot of my 40s, my self-esteem has been in a pretty good place, my 20s and 30s were a roller coaster ride because I didn't value myself as much as I should have. Some of it was due to generational curses. Some was due to having some really toxic people in my life. Some was due to simply not knowing how. However, now that I get just how special I am and how there are certain things that only I can contribute to this world, everything about how I choose to live my life is very different. A lot of it has to do with the following 10 tips that I'm about to share.
If this is the year that you are determined to boost your self-esteem, raise your own worth and then add tax, these steps can help to make that desire a true reality. Trust me. I am living proof.
1. Affirm Yourself on the Daily
I'm someone who firmly believes that if you want to understand a "tree", you need to spend some time evaluating its "roots". That's why I wrote articles for the site like "What If It's Your Parents Who Happen To Be The Narcissists?" and "How To Recover If You Had To 'Raise Your Parents' As A Child". Unfortunately, a lot of us did not get the affirming that we so desperately needed from our parents/loved ones/teachers/mentors while growing up or we received mixed messages from them (I can't tell you how many times I was told not to wear certain lip shades as a teen because my full lips would make it be "too much"; talk about a backhanded compliment, chile). And so, since the people we looked up to totally sucked at making some of us feel good about ourselves—at every stage of our childhood and adolescence—many of us grew up thinking negatively about ourselves as well. And that does nothing good for one's self-esteem.
You can't do anything about the past. What you can do is be intentional about lifting yourself up in the here and now. One way to do that is to write down 10-15 things that you genuinely like about yourself and post them somewhere that you can see them. Then make sure to state those things out loud, each and every day (add onto the list as more things come to mind too). Sound crazy? It's not. What's crazy is spending your life looking down on yourself when there is only one you, when you are a true gift to this planet and when tomorrow is not promised. Feel me?
2. Put Your Needs BEFORE Your Wants
While on the surface, this might seem like a crazy point, if you spend enough time in toxic patterns to the point where you want to break them, this will actually start to make perfect sense. Wisdom and maturity tend to teach us that everything we want isn't good for us. Example? There are quite a few men on my sex list who were fine and pretty good in bed who about destroyed my sense of self-worth and almost took my uterus out (long story).
I had to learn the hard way that a sign that you truly love and value yourself is you aren't so impulsive that you will go after something that you want without pondering if your mind, body, and spirit can all agree that you need that person, place thing or idea in your life. Because the reality is, a lot of what we want is designed to appease us while the very things that we need can truly fulfill us. Placing needs before wants are how the big girls live. You're grown, right? Choose wisely.
3. Stop Putting So Much on Your Plate
I don't know what makes so many of us believe that if we overextend ourselves, it's a good thing. Well actually, I do have one theory. I think some of us feel that if we put a ton on our plate, it will somehow prove our worth when really, all it does is wear us TF out, cause us to do things halfway, and oftentimes, it makes us resentful of those who don't appreciate the fact that we put ourselves in this position in the first place.
More times than not, when we have too much going on, that is totally on us because, there is such a thing as the word "no" (check out "The Art Of Saying 'No' To Things You Don't Want To Do"). There's not a ton of time and space to get into why so many of us struggle with this two-letter word that is a boundary and a lifesaver; however, one of my theories is when we were toddlers, a lot of us said that word incessantly. Because we ran it into the ground, our parents reprimanded us and so it went into our psyche that saying "no" is a bad thing when it really is nothing more than a limit.
If you want to do things right and well while maintaining your own peace of mind, you need to get into the habit of doing less so that you can do everything in excellence. Besides, here are no million-dollar checks being passed out to those who damn near kill themselves trying to accomplish as much as possible on any given day. For the sake of your health and well-being, pace yourself. It's a true act of self-care.
4. Forgive Yourself
You know what I find to be interesting. The folks who are typically the most critical of others also never give their own selves a break. Also, the ones who don't believe in forgiving other people are oftentimes the ones who never forgive themselves either. Lawd, if there are two things that many of us were taught an extremely poor definition of, it's what it means to love and to forgive. And because we don't really understand either, we choose to weaponize them both.
As far as forgiveness goes, I promise you that it's not about cosigning on the abuse, hurt or pain that someone has caused you. If I were to simplify forgiveness, it's about giving a wound the time and space that it needs to heal, so that you don't keep "picking at it" and infecting it all of the time. Because the reality is, a lot of people who believe that it's OK to dwell in a space of unforgivingness are actually the ones who either keep reliving what was done to them or they end up taking it out on other people—people who have absolutely nothing to do with what happened to them.
A wise person once said, "Remember, when you forgive you heal and when you let go, you grow." If you want to heal, forgive anyone who did something that hurt you. Including yourself. Watch how far this gets you in your self-development and in the relationships you have with others, moving forward.
5. Leave Toxicity TOTALLY Alone
There are some words that are tossed around so much that I don't think we really get how serious they are at this point. One of them is "toxic". For the record, people are human and humans make mistakes. So just because someone disappoints you or doesn't always live up to your expectations, that doesn't automatically or necessarily make them a toxic human being. Toxic is harmful. Toxic is damaging. Toxic is poison.
If you look up the definition of poison, one of the things that it states is it's something that will ultimately impair your overall health and well-being. When you're on a quest to love yourself in a truly productive way, you can't keep yourself around people, places, things and ideas that will hinder you from being mentally, physically, emotionally, financially, professionally, relationally or spiritually not so good. I don't care if it's a family member, a friend, a church, a job, a city, a relationship—life is too short and you are too precious to keep choosing what is keeping you from thriving. Let. It. Go.
6. Take More Risks
While it might seem odd to recommend that you take risks in order to build your self-esteem, here's why I think that it's such a good idea. Risks build confidence because, at the end of the day, what you are saying is that you trust yourself enough to do something that you've never done before or to try something that might seem a little out of the box.
In fact, I'd venture to say that many people who struggle with their self-worth do so because they doubt their capabilities more than they should. They don't think they're good enough to apply for a certain job. They don't think they're attractive enough to ask a certain someone out on a date. They don't think they are daring enough to take a trip to a place that they've never been before. Oh, but when they do it and realize (more times than not) that they made a bigger deal in their head than they ever should have, it helps them to walk away with a, "I really am bomb, ain't I?" mentality.
When you take a risk, only two things can happen—you can succeed or not. Either way, it's good for your self-esteem because the ultimate takeaway is you bet on yourself. That makes you courageous and the bolder you get, the stronger your self-esteem will become in the long run.
7. Partake in More Indulgence
This past January 9, I celebrated 14 years of abstinence. When my crew asked me what I did to celebrate, my answer was simple—I pampered myself. The day before my anniversary, I got a mani/pedi. The day of, I found a place to get my eyebrows arched (because for some reason, a threader does them too thin; I don't like that). I also copped some beautiful long-as-hell feather earrings. I ordered some oxtails (I dig me some oxtails). Then I chilled. It was wonderful.
I'm a giver. I'm really glad that God made me that way too. However, there used to be a time when I was giving to any and everyone but myself. No longer is that the case, though. I finally get that I deserve to indulge myself in things that make me feel beautiful and celebrated, just as much as anyone else does. And you know what? So. Do. You. If you want others to cherish and adore you, you've got to set the example. One way to do that is to pamper yourself. What's your plan for that this year?
8. Value Your Time
There's a quote by an author named H. Jackson Brown, Jr. that, minus the fact that there are no Black people in it (side-eye), I really like. It says, "Don't say you don't have enough time. You have exactly the same number of hours per day that were given to Helen Keller, Pasteur, Michelangelo, Mother Teresa, Leonardo da Vinci, Thomas Jefferson, and Albert Einstein." If you substitute this with names like Oprah and Beyoncé, it really is crazy that we all have 24 hours and yet, some of us are either stagnant or in some sort of perpetual life cul-du-sac because we live ho-hum lives or we choose to do things that are a colossal waste of our time (check out "These Bad Habits Are Totally Wasting Your Time").
I don't care if it's a relationship, a job, a habit or anything else—take some time out to reflect on the fact that these past 10 years alone went by pretty fast and time only seems to be moving more swiftly the older that we become. With all of that said, a huge sign of not esteeming your worth is to let any person, place, thing or idea waste your time. I've shared what waste means before. It means "to consume, spend, or employ uselessly or without adequate return". Did you peep that "without adequate return" part? If you're out here spending hours on social media or watching television, that can be a waste of time, sho 'nuf. At the same time, if you're constantly putting in more than you're getting back whether it's a person, place, thing or even an idea, that is also wasting your time. You're better than that. Stop it. Not later. Now please.
9. LOVE YOUR BODY AS IT IS
I seriously doubt that if we didn't see as much of other people's bodies as we do, that we'd struggle with our own body image so much. Comparing ourselves to others is so ridiculously counterproductive. Besides, I've shared before that one of the most romantic things that I've ever heard a husband say about his wife is what he physically loved about her is "when God made her, he had me in mind". I know the couple personally and the wife is no traditional Coca-Cola bottle. It doesn't matter to him. She's got what he likes. How beautiful is that?
All of us have our own personal opinions about things like cosmetic surgery. No time to get into all of that. What is important is making sure that you don't hate your body simply because it's not like so-and-so. Who cares?
You've got the same Creator that everyone else has and just think about how you would feel if something you made told you that you totally jacked it all up just because it doesn't look like something else that you designed? A healthy body image is not only healthy to have but super sexy too. Make it a point to celebrate your individuality. Watch how much higher your self-esteem gets once you do.
10. Rest
When it comes to the topic of resting, one of my favorite quotes is, "If you get tired, learn to rest, not quit." (A street artist by the name of Banksy is credited with saying it.) It might be a bit of an "ouch" to hear, but a part of the reason why a lot of us don't accomplish all that we desire to isn't that we're not capable; it's because we overlook bare essentials like eating right and resting well. Listen, getting 6-8 hours of sleep at night is not a luxury; if you want to fully function on all cylinders, it is an absolute necessity.
While we're here, it should also go on record that rest isn't just about catching some zzz's. Rest also includes knowing what you need to do in order to refresh yourself. Something that can help you to figure out what type of rest your mind, body, and/or soul requires is to check out the article, "You're Tired AF. But What Kind Of Rest Do You Need?". By honoring that you need to love yourself enough to sleep soundly and rest internally, you are well on your way to proving that you're worth a million bucks and that nothing or no one should treat you as any less than that. The cool thing is you'll be alert enough to pinpoint the jokers who try and make you feel otherwise. Get some rest, sis. Your self-esteem depends on it—it really is a wonderful act of self-love.
These are just 10 things but they are 10 powerful ones. I'm telling you, once you know how precious you are, it's damn near impossible for anyone or anything to shake you. The year has just begun. Go into it with high self-esteem. The world will be your oyster if you do!
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Eva Marcille On Starring In 'Jason’s Lyric Live' & Being An Audacious Black Woman
Eva Marcille has taken her talents to the stage. The model-turned-actress is starring in her first play, Jason’s Lyric Live alongside Allen Payne, K. Michelle, Treach, and others.
The play, produced by Je’Caryous Johnson, is an adaptation of the film, which starred Allen Payne as Jason and Jada Pinkett Smith as Lyric. Allen reprised his role as Jason for the play and Eva plays Lyric.
While speaking to xoNecole, Eva shares that she’s a lot like the beloved 1994 character in many ways. “Lyric is so me. She's the odd flower. A flower nonetheless, but definitely not a peony,” she tells us.
“She's not the average flower you see presented, and so she reminds me of myself. I'm a sunflower, beautiful, but different. And what I loved about her character then, and even more so now, is that she was very sure of herself.
"Sure of what she wanted in life and okay to sacrifice her moments right now, to get what she knew she deserved later. And that is me. I'm not an instant gratification kind of a person. I am a long game. I'm not a sprinter, I'm a marathon.
America first fell in love with Eva when she graced our screens on cycle 3 of America’s Next Top Model in 2004, which she emerged as the winner. Since then, she's ventured into different avenues, from acting on various TV series like House of Payne to starring on Real Housewives of Atlanta.
Je-Caryous Johnson Entertainment
Eva praises her castmates and the play’s producer, Je’Caryous for her positive experience. “You know what? Je’Caryous fuels my audacity car daily, ‘cause I consider myself an extremely audacious woman, and I believe in what I know, even if no one else knows it, because God gave it to me. So I know what I know. That is who Je’Caryous is.”
But the mom of three isn’t the only one in the family who enjoys acting. Eva reveals her daughter Marley has also caught the acting bug.
“It is the most adorable thing you can ever see. She’s got a part in her school play. She's in her chorus, and she loves it,” she says. “I don't know if she loves it, because it's like, mommy does it, so maybe I should do it, but there is something about her.”
Overall, Eva hopes that her contribution to the role and the play as a whole serves as motivation for others to reach for the stars.
“I want them to walk out with hope. I want them to re-vision their dreams. Whatever they were. Whatever they are. To re-see them and then have that thing inside of them say, ‘You know what? I'm going to do that. Whatever dream you put on the back burner, go pick it up.
"Whatever dream you've accomplished, make a new dream, but continue to reach for the stars. Continue to reach for what is beyond what people say we can do, especially as [a] Black collective but especially as Black women. When it comes to us and who we are and what we accept and what we're worth, it's not about having seen it before. It's about knowing that I deserve it.”
This interview has been edited for length and clarity.
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Once upon a time, I knew a married couple who told me that they wouldn’t even discuss with each other who they found to be attractive on television because, in their minds, that was a form of cheating. They’re divorced now, and although there are a series of reasons why, it was always strange to me that things were so restrictive within their relationship that they couldn’t even share a fleeting thought about how someone looked.
Thinking about them kinda-sorta inspired this piece because they caused me to reflect on the times when some of my clients have come to me, semi-freaking out, and it was because their thoughts about someone had gone beyond “Hey, she’s pretty” or “Hey, he looks good.” Instead, they were starting to fantasize about certain folks, and they weren’t sure what to do about it, especially when some of those fantasies were transpiring while they were engaging in sex with someone else.
You know, it’s been reported that somewhere around 50 percent of people do indeed have fantasies about other people while having sex with another person. And that is definitely a high enough number to tackle some things about the topic here.
If you’re someone who fantasizes about other individuals, especially sexually, here’s some intel into why that could be the case, along with when it gets to the point and place where you might want to consider actually doing something about it.
What’s a Fantasy and What Exactly Causes Them?
Whenever you think of the word “fantasy,” what immediately comes to your mind?
Personally, what I find to be interesting is the fact that the dictionary says that there are actually a lot of things that can be considered a fantasy: your imagination, hallucinations, visions, ingenious inventions, illusions — I mean, there is even a genre of fiction that falls into the fantasy category. However, when it comes to what we’re going to discuss today, a psychological term for fantasy is “an imagined or conjured up sequence fulfilling a psychological need; daydream.”
And yes, before we get to the end of all of this, that definition is going to answer quite a few questions as it pertains to the topic of this particular piece. But first, more about the origin story of fantasies.
Apparently famed neurologist, Sigmund Freud spent some time analyzing fantasies and came to the conclusion that, more than anything else, a fantasy represents something that is either a suppressed urge or desire and when you stop to think about what you imagine, what your visions are, what you may long to invent — that certainly tracks. However, something that you should also keep in mind about fantasies is that, oftentimes, they are rooted in few boundaries and can even go well beyond what is considered to be reality (which is something that is based on facts and truth).
Oh, something else that needs to be kept in mind about fantasies is that they are typically relied on as a mental form of escape from something or someone (bookmark that).
And now that fantasies are more clearly defined, if your immediate question is, “Is it wrong to fantasize?” — no, I certainly don’t think that. What I do believe, based on what a fantasy is, though, is if you are fantasizing a lot about a particular person, place, thing or idea, it would be a good idea to ponder why that is the case — why is that a suppressed desire for you, why are you using that as a mental escape and perhaps, the most important question of all, does your fantasy come with any limits?
Now let’s build on top of this…
Now What Causes Folks to Fantasize About Other People?
As I was doing more research on the topic of fantasies, I came across an article entitled, “What Happens In Our Brains When We Fantasize About Someone.” The author of it started the piece out by talking about a cool connection that she made with someone on a plane, only for her to find herself fantasizing about him once they parted ways. As she went deeper into her story, she mentioned a word that definitely needs to be shared here: heuristics.
If you’re not familiar with it, heuristics is simply a mental shortcut. For instance, if you find yourself needing to make a quick decision (check out “Before You Make A Life-Altering Decision, Read This.”), you may rely on heuristics to do it (even if it’s subconsciously). The challenge with that is oftentimes heuristics will only provide you with a limited amount of data and information, and relying only on that could cause you to not make the best choice, if you’re not careful. And boy, when heuristics jump into your fantasy space — well, something that immediately comes to my mind is celebrity culture.
Ain’t it wild how people will be on social media, speaking so confidently, about someone—or someone’s relationship—as if they personally know them (when they absolutely don’t)? I mean, just because someone is attractive or you’ve seen them carry themselves well in an interview or two, that doesn’t automatically mean that they are the ideal person or that they are someone to set your own dating standards by. If you’re not careful, though, heuristics and fantasies may encourage you to think otherwise.
That’s because the combo will try and get your brain to jump to all sorts of conclusions and, if you don’t keep that in check, it could result in you making premature, counterproductive, or even straight-up reckless decisions — because remember, a fantasy tends to be about suppressing an urge or desire.
Honestly, whether you are in a relationship or not, if you are fantasizing about a particular individual, understanding why you are doing that should definitely be explored.
However, if you are with someone and you’re fantasizing about someone else, you really shouldn’t ignore what is transpiring because, although by definition, there’s a good chance that whatever and whomever you are fantasizing about will never come to pass, the fact that it’s taking up some of your mental and emotional space, that needs to be acknowledged. Because if there is something that you want or need, and you seem to believe that your fantasies are better at supplying that for you than the reality of your relationship, why is that?
Let’s keep going…
What Does (or Could) It Mean If You Fantasize About Someone Else During Sex?
It’s pretty common that a random song will come to mind whenever I’m writing an article. Today? It was Guy’s “My Fantasy.” Then a sitcom did — King of Queens, and the episode when Doug and Carrie were talking about his sexual fantasies. The song is about images that the fellas randomly have about beautiful women. The episode was about Carrie wanting to dictate to Doug what and whom he could fantasize about because some of his sexual fantasies made her feel uncomfortable or intimidated.
And both of these are a pretty solid intro into whether there is something wrong with sexually fantasizing about someone, especially while having sex with someone else. Well, before getting into all of that, I think another article that I read on the topic brings up a pretty good point — that it’s important to think about where your fantasies are coming from: your imagination, things you see on social media, porn that you may have watched, people who you actually know…and if it’s the latter, is it someone from your past or someone from your present?
Yeah, knowing the source of your fantasies can definitely help you to understand how “deep” into your fantasies you might be.
What I mean by that is, seeing a beautiful man one time and randomly thinking about what it would be like to have sex with him on some beach vacation is quite different than constantly thinking about your ex, the sex you used to have with him and then fantasizing about it For one thing, the beautiful guy, you will probably never have access to. That ex, though? Well, at the very least, that is a bit more realistic, right?
Then there’s the fact that, again, a fantasy is a suppressed urge or desire. When it comes to the beautiful man, is it his looks that you long for, or is it something deeper? And that ex of yours? Lawd, now why, when you have your own man in your own bed, is your ex “scratching some sort of itch”? Because we all know what they say — “he’s your ex for a reason,” so why is he creeping up into your intimacy space now that the relationship is over? Is something unresolved?
Are there sexual needs that he met that your current partner isn’t (check out “You Love Him. You Prefer Sex With Your Ex. What Should You Do?”)? Is something currently transpiring in your current relationship that you are using fantasies about your ex to escape from?
You see, although when it comes to the topic of fantasizing about others when you’re having sex with someone else might seem like the a cut-and-dried, “Don’t do it, end of discussion” — as someone who works with couples for a living, I think the bigger concern isn’t if another guy comes into your mind during sex with your partner…it’s more about WHY is that happening to begin with. Because if you need to escape from where you are, if you can’t be present with your partner, something is definitely up.
When Should You Be Concerned About the Fantasies You Are Having?
During the last several months of breaking up (because we all know that sometimes breaking up is a process) with the last boyfriend whom I will have in this lifetime, I recall fantasizing about other people while having sex with him. It’s because I really wasn’t attracted to or interested in him, sexually, anymore — but I was a bit fearful of what it would mean to let the entire relationship go.
And boy, is that a huge red flag because I wasn’t fantasizing about some random famous person one time during sex — I was relying on images, my imagination, and previous experiences with other people to literally get me through the act. NOT. GOOD.
Y’all, one of the greatest and most profound forms of communication and connection between two people is sexual intimacy, and so, when it transpires, it really should only be about the two of them. That said, should you freak out over a thought about someone who creeps up into your mind every once in a while? Chile, more people have that happen than they will ever admit out loud.
On the other hand, should you worry if you’re like I was? I’ll put it this way — you should definitely be concerned because the last thing that you should be feeling during sex with someone is like you are suppressing what you need and/or that you want to escape from the moments that you are experiencing with them.
And yet, if that is indeed the case, though, what should you do?
Start with doing some sex journaling. Write down your fantasies, the sources of them, and why you are leaning on them in this season (check out “The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)”). If they are tied to unrealistic situations, be real with yourself about that. If they are rooted in potential possibilities, do some journaling about how much you are “feeding into” that reality and what you think would be the wisest way to move forward, both for your sake as well as your relationship.
Talk to your partner. Each relationship is different, and so, while I’m not going to recommend that everyone just blurt out that they’ve been thinking about having sex with their co-worker or college sweetheart while having sex with their partner, I do think that the suppressed urges and desires (in general) should be mentioned. Sometimes, fantasies are birthed out of boredom (check out “If You're Not Having Great Sex, This Is (Probably) Why” and “Common Sex Problems Couples Have (& How To Fix 'Em)”) and doing something like creating a sex bucket list (check out “This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of ‘Sex Bucket List’”) can breathe new life into your bedroom.
Plus, sharing some of your deepest thoughts, feelings, and needs (in a kind, thoughtful, and mature way) can cultivate more emotional intimacy with your partner, and that can definitely be a good thing.
Consider seeing a sex therapist. If, after doing both of these things, the fantasies seem to be getting stronger and louder, you might need to make an appointment with a reputable sex therapist (check out “Have You Ever Wondered If You Should See A Sex Therapist?”). They may be able to help you to “connect some dots” about what’s going on that you wouldn’t have considered without their help, because sex therapists are trained in helping individuals sort out the mental and emotional sides of intimacy, not just the physical ones.
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Are fantasies bad? They aren’t. However, when it comes to sexual ones, a quote by Benjamin Franklin absolutely comes to mind: “If passion drives you, let reason hold the reins.”
And that, right there, should be a guiding message for how you should process the fantasies that you do have.
Amen? Sho’ you right.
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