I already know I'm about to step onto some toes with what I'm about to say, but feel free to share your thoughts in the comments section because I'd honestly like to hear your thoughts. Ready?
Why is it that when gender roles are discussed in relationships, a lot of us are quick to say that those thoughts and principles are antiquated and even unnecessary? Oh, but when the topic of a woman proposing to a man or even asking a man out on a date, suddenly those same women are saying things along the lines of "No ma'am. That's what a man is supposed to do"?
If you're looking for my personal take on things, I'll just say that I'm more of a traditionalist than not and leave it at that. And while I'd personally prefer to be proposed to (in part, because I want to be sure a man is marrying me because he's ready to, not because he doesn't want to hurt my feelings if I were to ask him), I'm not the one who gasps in disgust or even confusion whenever a woman asks a man out. I don't think it's needy. I don't think it's desperate. I actually think it takes a confident and self-aware woman to do it because whenever we ask anyone to do anything, there's a chance that we'll hear "no".
What I will also say is that I do know some women who want to take the initiative to ask a man on a date and then want him to do all of the work after he says "yes". Should he be a gentleman? Of course. But should he suddenly act like he's the one who asked in the first place? Personally, I don't think so. Personally, I feel that when a woman asks a man on a date, there are certain things that are OK for the guy to expect…should he accept.
You to Plan the Date
I remember once talking to someone who was on the fence about asking a guy out. After she finally got the nerve to do it, although the guy initially said "yes", he ended up taking a pass. Why? Because after she asked him, she expected him to figure out what they should do. Yeah…that's not how it works. I mean, how would you feel if a guy asked you out and then called you to see what you had in mind and when? It doesn't seem like he's super invested, does it? Asking a guy out doesn't only consist of him agreeing to spend time with you; it's also about figuring out what the two of you should do together—and when.
I asked a few of my male friends what their idea of a great date would be. Some of them, I had to sit on the phone with dead air because they said that they're so used to planning dates that they never really gave their own dream date much thought. But once they got over the initial shock of my question, some said going to a sporting event, others said they'd want to do something outdoorsy that had a bit of an adrenaline rush to it and others said a live music event or binge-watching some of their favorite movies would be fun.
So yeah, that brings up one more point about planning dates. Although a lot of us like to be surprised, again, most men are thrown off-guard just by you making the initial request. That's why asking them what they enjoy doing doesn't come off as "lazy". If anything, it translates as being extremely thoughtful.
You to Pay for the Date
I would think that it's a given that if you ask a man out, you should be the one who pays, even if he offers to. For any of you who don't agree, please post in the comments section why because I don't get the logic behind expecting someone to finance what you planned for them in the first place. But hey, you don't have to take my word for it. An interview that actress Lauren London did several years back featured her take on who should pay for dates. After explaining her ideal date, her response was perfect (to me)—"Who pays on the first date? It depends on who asks. If a woman asks a man on a date, then she should be willing and prepared to pay…When you invite someone to your house for dinner, you don't expect them to bring the groceries." Amen? Amen.
For There to Be No “Uncomfortable Surprises”
Maybe it's just me, but I don't know a ton of guys that are big on surprises, in general. Unless it's from someone who knows them really well (enough to know what they like and don't know) or who's been with them for a while, being caught off-guard typically isn't their idea of a good time. That being said, asking a guy on a date and then "surprising him" by turning it into an impromptu double date with a couple of your friends, bringing some of your family along or taking him to one of your events like a wedding or work-related function without his knowledge really isn't the smartest idea in the world.
8 times out of 10, it translates into being a super pushy move or worse, a manipulative one. Even if he's a nice guy and sees the date through, I wouldn't be shocked in the least if your first date ends up being your last one as well.
For There to Be No Pressure Following the Date
So, you ask the guy you're interested in out, he says "yes" and the date is amazin'. There's chemistry and a connection. You both enjoy similar things and he even mentions going out again with, this time, it being on his dime. Good for you, girl! Wanna know how to totally mess all-a-dat up? Constant texts and phone calls. Not letting him bring up follow-up plans in his own way and time. Becoming passive aggressive when after—wow, a whole—week, he hasn't put anything on the books.
No matter how wonderful a date is, I have learned from personal experience that men can lose interest real quick once stress, anxiety or pressure comes into play. The same kind of confidence that you had to ask a guy out in the first place? Keep that same energy once the date is over. If he's into you, he'll make it known. LeToya Luckett's husband, Tommicus Walker, made that fact crystal clear in a recent interview on our site.
To Not Make Him the Bad Guy if Things Don’t Work Out
One reason why I think it's a good idea for us to ask a guy out every once in a while is so it will (hopefully) give us a new respect and insight into what they go through when they find the courage to, not only ask us out, but to deal with how the date goes should we accept. And here's the thing—just like you should not be considered low-key evil if you go on a date and the connection is simply not there or you're just not interested in going out again, neither is the man that you ask on a date.
Sometimes we think that if someone isn't interested in us that something is wrong with us when really, they simply aren't our person. In this instance, that doesn't make a man a bad guy. Maybe he's meant to be a friend. Maybe he was just a tool to give you the boldness to try something new. But please hear me when I say that until—or unless—you are able to ask a man out and know you can handle however it plays out, for the sake of all parties involved…wait. Either the opportunity will present itself at a better time or, if he's interested in you, maybe, just maybe, he'll beat you to the punch.
And then worrying about asking him out will cease to be an issue.
Featured image by Getty Images
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Exclusive: Melanie Fiona On Making High-Vibrational Music & Saying Yes To Partnership
Melanie Fiona is back! After taking a little more than a decade-long hiatus, she has officially made her return to music and blessed us with two singles, “Say Yes” and “I Choose You.” While both singles are very different from each other, they both reflect who she is today and the type of music she wants to make. In our conversation, the mom of two expressed what she learned during her time away.
“It's interesting, even when I said it is like coming back, I don't ever feel like I really left because I was always still performing. I've still been public. It's not like I went into being this recluse person or version of myself, but the thing that I really learned in this process is that I think things take time,” Melanie says in a xoNecole exclusive.
“I think often we're so caught up in it, being on the timing of demand or popularity, or, like, striking while the iron is hot and the thing that I've learned is that everything is on God's time. That's it. Every time I thought I would have been ready, or, like, things were taking too long, I had to reship some things, personally, professionally, in my life. I also gave myself permission to make a living, not just make a living, but make a life for myself.”
Making a life for herself included getting married to Grammy-nominated songwriter Jared Cotter, starting a family, and embracing new landscapes, such as podcasting as a co-host of The Mama’s Den podcast. She also began doing more spiritual work and self-care practices like meditation, sound healing, Reiki, acupuncture, and boundary setting, which allowed her to get in touch with her inner voice.
“I wasn't putting out music, and I wasn't experiencing a number one record, but I was being a number one mom,” she says.
“I was experiencing things that were allowing me to heal and get in touch with myself so that I could make new music from a space of joy and freedom, and excitement again because I definitely feel like I did lose some excitement because of just politics and industry and what it can do to your mental health and even your physical health. So giving myself the space to really just say, ‘Hey, it's okay. Everything's right on time.’”
The joy and excitement are felt in one of two new singles, “I Choose You,” which is more of a lovers rock vibe, a tribute to Melanie’s Caribbean roots. While the Grammy award-winner is known for ballads like “It Kills Me” and “Fool For You,” she is becoming more intentional about the music she makes, calling it high-vibrational music. She says her music is a “reflection of my life,” as it captures every facet, from hanging out with friends to riding around in her car.
“Say Yes” has the classic R&B vibe Melanie is known for. However, both songs are inspired by her relationship. Melanie and Jared got married in December 2020, and the Toronto-bred artist dished on their relationship. Fun fact: he is featured in the “Say Yes” music video.
“When we first started dating, I had come into that relationship post a lot of self-work. I had gotten out of a long-term relationship, I had a year and a half to date and be by myself and do a lot of work on myself alone. And when we met, I remember feeling like this has to be my person because I feel it,” she says.
“And so when we went into that relationship, and we started dating, I was very clear. I was like, I know what I want. I'm very clear on what I need, and I'm not going to withhold my truth about myself in this process because of pride or fear of rejection. I know you love me, but I'm coming with my heart in my hand to let you know that if we're gonna get there, we have to put fear aside and say yes. So that was kind of like my open letter to him, which is why the video is us having a conversation.”
Melanie also shares that saying yes to her partner has empowered her in many ways, including motherhood and showing up for herself. Her new EP, also titled Say Yes, will be available at the top of 2025.
Check out the full interview below.
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Feature image by Franco Zulueta
Entertaining Like Ayesha Curry: Expert Advice For Holidays Done Right
Be prepared to wow the crowd.
It’s officially the holiday season, which means parties and gatherings galore. Between Friendsgiving, Christmas, and New Year's Eve celebrations, many of us are preparing to host loved ones in our homes one or two times between now and the end of the year. No matter the occasion or season, hosting for family and friends is a labor of love. But we can also agree that entertaining can be overwhelming, especially for first-time hosts.
As a seasoned host and entertainer, Ayesha Curry knows something about creating a memorable event for loved ones. Whether preparing for an intimate dinner with your immediate family or hosting a larger crowd, your guests will think you are a pro this holiday season with her tips on everything from welcoming guests to setting a beautiful table.
Q: What is your top tip for hosting?
Ayesha Curry:Part of being a great host is spending time with your guests, which means you can’t be stuck in the kitchen. Prep is key! I usually serve wine with the meal, but a cocktail or mocktail is a great way to greet guests. I prep the garnish the night before and batch the drink just before guests arrive. When the party begins, I pull everything out of the fridge and am ready to serve.
Writer Note: If you would like to offer non-alcoholic beverages for your sober or sober-curious guests, I love Saint Viviana Cab. It maintains full-body cabernet and flavor; no one will ever guess it’s alcohol-free. You can easily create a signature mocktail using Bittermilk’s Smoked Honey Whiskey Sour mix.
Q: Do you suggest any prep for serving or cooking?
AC:I lay out all my serving dishes and utensils the night before with little post-it notes saying what goes where. That way, I’m not digging around for anything. For more elaborate menus, I lay out quarter sheet pans and label them with tape according to the dish. I prep and measure everything for each recipe and then load each sheet pan with everything needed to make the dish. I wrap each tray in saran or foil, stack them, and place them in the fridge. Pull out the sheet pan you need when cooking, and everything is ready. It’s something I learned at the restaurant that saves so much time.
Q: What’s one item that should always be on a dinner party menu?
AC: Bread or roll with butter is excellent for holding guests over if the kitchen is delayed.
Q: What’s one non-menu item you should always have on hand?
AC: For a non-menu item, wine!
Q: How do you decide on a theme or menu for a gathering?
AC: It all starts with the occasion and the guest list. If it’s a group that doesn’t know each other very well, I may get more elaborate with the theme to help break the ice. For a group of friends or family who don’t get to see each other very often, I usually keep it simple so the evening can be all about catching up. A great playlist, good wine, and a family-style menu are all you need.
Q: Should attendees be expected to bring a gift?
AC: If I’m hosting, I’m not expecting gifts. The gift is taking time to come over and enjoy a meal with me! But bringing something to enjoy at the gathering, like a bottle of wine, is always appreciated.
Q: What are three affordable gifts that guests can give a host?
AC:A bag of excellent coffee is a beautiful gift for a host. Sweet July’s House Blend Coffee is sourced from all-female co-ops, so it’s a gift I love to give to the women in my life. Whether it’s being served after dinner or just for the host to enjoy on their own, you can’t go wrong with a bag of high-end coffee.
Fresh flowers are great if you have a host who likes total control over the food and beverage menu. Go for something neutral in color that can work with any décor.
The Sweet July Olive Oil and Balsamic Vinegar set is my go-to host gift. Bottled in Napa, it’s a gift any foodie will appreciate - and use!
Q: What are some creative tablescape or decor ideas that you love?
AC: I like to keep my dinnerware neutral and classic (like this ceramic collection in nutmeg) and infuse color and texture through linens. For centerpieces, I want to use what I have in my yard. If it’s summer, it might be flowers or greenery, but interesting branches can also look architectural in tall, clear vases next to tapered candles in the colder months. There’s no need to spend a ton of money on flowers.
With Ayesha’s tips, you can create a holiday gathering that your family and friends will cherish forever.
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Featured image by Getty Images