The Important Reason You Shouldn't Wait To Be Chosen
Yes, yes. It's that time of year again. The time when folks get engaged (and divorced but that's another conversation for another time) at a record pace.
Charge it to it simply being the month of December when a lot of us think back to how the past year went and what we want to do differently in the next one. That, along with the fact that romantic Hallmark movies run on loop, diamonds are on sale, and our relatives are looking at us like, "So, when are you going to finally set a wedding date?" and it makes a lot of sense why so many men—and a few women—will be getting down on one knee underneath the mistletoe over the next few weeks.
That's why it wasn't a shock—not at all—when I saw that rap artist Juelz Santana got down on one of his own knees and proposed to his girlfriend (and mother of his two children) Love & Hip-Hop: New York co-star Kimbella Vanderhee after nearly a decade of an on-again-off-again relationship. Kimbella took to Instagram to share the moment with the caption:
"We've been together since 2009, next year will make it 10 years. Ladies, if that's the man you want & love you will wait however long if the love is REAL! Thank you for the love & support!"
If you've been following their journey at all, you know that its got layers on top of layers on top of layers to it. Even in the trailer for this season of LHHNY, Kimbella says out of her own mouth, "I had to take care of my kids by myself because you decided to use drugs," to which Santana replies, "The whole time you say that I was so-called on drugs, you said we wasn't together," to which Kimbella fires back, "What kind of excuse is that for a man? And if that's how you feel then…let's end it now."
I've spent enough time writing in the entertainment industry lane to know that gossip blogs, so-called reality television shows, and sound bites don't even begin to scratch the surface of any relationship; that there is always more than meets the eye. That's why when it comes to Juelz and Kimbella's relationship specifically, all I'll say is, "Congrats."
B-U-T. As I watched Derrick Jaxn's take on the engagement (Cliff notes: Basically he said it takes a man a couple of weeks to determine if a woman is marriage material, definitely 10 years to marry her if he loves her, and if she loves herself, she won't let it take 10 years regardless), I first thought about a quote and then about a somewhat-waste-of-time experience I had myself.
The quote?
"You'll never be good enough for a man who isn't ready."
And when someone is ready, that means they are "completely prepared", "duly equipped" and most of all—WILLING. A man who is ready for marriage is WILLING to get married. Not in 10 years. Not in five. But soon.
That brings me to my own experience. There's a guy I once had, shoot, something with. We had a one-of-a-kind connection. Folks even said we looked alike. For a couple of years, I handled a lot of his work affairs. I even got a couple of original songs about me out of the deal. We were close friends and a great team. Undeniably-and-mutually-decidedly so.
That's why, when he told me towards the beginning of our journey without my prompting him in any way, "I promise to get into position for this life and us," I believed him. Hook, line, and sinker.
Yet year after year, roller coaster ride after roller coaster ride, if there's one thing that we weren't getting closer to, it was a wedding altar. In fact, towards the end of everything, he defined how he emotionally felt as being in "marriage purgatory" as he tried to figure out 1) if he wanted to get married at all (to anyone) and 2) if I was truly the one.
Typically, people hear the word "purgatory" and think of it as being in the middle of the road or lukewarm so to speak, but it actually means someone feeling as if they are in a temporary state of punishment or suffering. Ouch. Whether that's literally what he meant or not, that's what he said.
Through the "I love you's," the strong attraction (although I never gave him any), and 10 years of history, he's right. He wasn't just in purgatory. So was I.
Not so much because of the 10 years itself, but because over the course of that time, I watched how much he professionally pursued and made things happen in that same time frame. What seemed impossible for many, he succeeded in, sometimes in record time. And that taught me, in live and living color, that what a man wants, he'll move heaven and earth to get. Meanwhile, if he's not sure that he wants it, he'll keep living life until he is certain…and since it's not a priority, that could be forever if need be.
So, while some may think my takeaway is if you wait 5, 10 or more years on a man, you're playin' yourself because he'll never marry you, Juelz just proved that point to be wrong (or at least highly-debatable).
No, my cautionary tale is if you're READY to marry, pick someone who is also READY. Otherwise, by the time they get ready, all of those days, weeks, months, and years that you lost in the process may make their proposal pale in comparison to the purgatory you were in. You may resent the engagement more than celebrate it at all because deep down inside you'll know that if he really wanted to make life with you happen…he would've…a long time before now. Just like all of the other things that he pursued up until this point. Because he was READY to.
Just something to think about—and consider before any more of your precious time—effort or energy—gets away from you.
Question of the day: Where do you ladies stand on the matter? Would you wait on a man in hopes of that fairy tale ending someday, or would you find a man who is equally yoked in the now? Let us know below!
Featured image by Getty Images
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
Featured image Courtesy