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Self-Love Advocate Derrick Jaxn On Sex, Love & Relationships

#xoMan

I'm almost certain every woman has wasted precious time and energy in dating a f-ckboy at least once in her lifetime (myself included).

And although we'll never get that time back, Derrick Jaxn, self love ambassador and healthy relationship guru gives us all hope that good men still DO exist. Thankfully, f-ckboys are not our only option.


I first discovered Derrick Jaxn while casually scrolling on Instagram, and stumbled upon one of his weekly relationship discussions. I remember initially thinking, "He's so handsome" shortly followed by "Who does this man think he is to give relationship advice to women?"

Instantly annoyed, I got off the page, but found myself back on a few days later. After watching a few videos in its entirety, it all made sense to me. Jaxn wasn't just a random person delivering unrealistic expectations in love. Instead, he had a genuine, honest, and most importantly, a realistic approach to healthy relationships and just wanted to help men and women find that.

With a past filled with a few f*ckboy tendencies of his own, Jaxn has experience in all sides of this complicated dating world, but a few years ago, he chose to take accountability of his actions in life and love and asked himself what type of man he wanted to be.

"I always wanted to become a man I could admire."

And that he did. As he matured into the man he is now, Jaxn changed his dating habits and chose to share those changes with the world. His opinions on love seemed to resonate with thousands and has led him to a platform of self love and relationships. He is now an author of six books, and the creator of F*ckboy Flashcards and Mentally Stimulate Me board game in which he aims to change the way we look at dating.

And since I know you're wondering ladies…sorry, but Jaxn is off the market and is a happily married man and a loving father. But, you should still use his advice to find that great love of your own. Here's what else Jaxn had to say.

How can women and men "do better" while dating ?

Women:

Heal, first. Women aren't perfect, but when it comes to dating, they're typically a bit further ahead of the curve than men. That results in women who open up on a level the men they're opening up to aren't ready for and results in emotional wounds they have to figure out how to heal on their own. Many women never properly heal after their first attempt and they end up re-dating the one who caused the damage to begin with, or look for healing in someone else who preys on them, and the fact they're "a wounded animal." The only men who prey on wounded animals are those looking to worsen the damage, but if women took their healing into their own hands, they could avoid these men and bring only the lessons learned from their past into their future when they do meet the man who does not come to hurt them.

"Many women never properly heal after their first attempt and they end up re-dating the one who caused the damage to begin with, or look for healing in someone else who preys on them."

Men:

Prepare, first. As it relates to dating, a gateway to relationships, men are thrown into Ph.D. level courses with a 3rd grade education. That's about where our society stops when it comes to properly preparing us emotionally and mentally for effective dating, so many of us do so recreationally and when we think we're ready to be serious about it, realize we're not properly equipped to do so. This is the part where we either "wing it" or try to get our dating partner to be willing to settle for our elementary education.

As cliche as it may sound, what do men want from a woman?

Monolithically speaking, there is no answer since we're all different in terms of age, background, etc. But to give you an idea:

Broken men want fixers. Immature men want mothers. Good men want partners. Hard-working men want supporters. Lazy men want enablers. Insecure men want puppets. Abusive men want objects. F*ckboys want bad bitches.

What are some key mistakes women make when seeking a potential partner ?

Putting a 90-day rule on their bodies, but not on their hearts. It's great to close the legs until you're confident the relationship is headed somewhere, but if other things like opening up about past hurts, being available to him at a moment's notice, or spending a lot of time with him makes a woman emotionally attach, she needs to have a boundary for that as well, not just her body.

Forgetting that good men have standards, too. "The prize" mindset says that women are automatically better than the man, and although tradition teaches us this, it's not true. Women are not better and the same is true vice versa. A good man can sense entitlement from a mile away and if that's what he picks up on in the beginning, it will drive him away. There's a way to be "not impressed" by a man while still being appreciative of the investment he makes upfront.

For women, what are some obvious signs to know that your current partner isn't the one?

Bringing things to his attention that are bothering or negatively impacting you, but having it turned around on you, as if you're ALWAYS the problem. Feeling like without you two's history and your current love for him, you really wouldn't remain with him. Feeling like you're the only one fighting for the relationship. Abuse. Ever.

From a male perspective, what are men seeking in a life-long partner/wife, opposed to a temporary fling?

What a man seeks depends on who he is and what he feels like he's missing, not on what level or relationship he wants, so the answer is similar to the one I gave earlier. If he's a user, he's going to look for a woman he can use. Maybe it's for sex, maybe it's for money, maybe it's for connections or emotional support, but it all depends on him. He'll have her temporarily if that's as long as she tolerates him, or for the rest of her life, if she allows it. A shiny quality for a user is one who'll have low enough self-esteem and enough need for him to validate her so that it's not too temporary.

"What a man seeks depends on who he is and what he feels like he's missing, not on what level or relationship he wants."

If he's an emotionally healthy man with good character, he's going to look for that partner and best friend. Someone who not only can he trust, but also has the emotional capacity to trust him as well. He'll look for a woman who sees and speaks to the best in him, without coddling him. He'll want accountability without disrespect. He'll want sex coupled with intimacy that goes deeper than skin.

What's the best advice you've received when it comes to love ?

Sometimes, it's gonna suck (laughs). True though. It does. As simple and unsexy as that advice was, it kept me from giving up when it started sucking. It disabused me of the notion that every day was going to sunny just because we were "right" for each other. And when things started sucking, instead of quitting, I started evaluating. I think that's the part a lot of people in our generation miss. The part where it sucks.

Instead of throwing in the towel, we are supposed to tighten our bootstraps and get it back to how it was, and live to fight another day.

As a married man, what is the key to a healthy, lasting relationship?

Growth. Before I was married, and if I'd never gotten married, that would still be my answer. I only got married because both my wife and I were committed to doing just that, growing. We were compatible when we first met, but things changed. I changed. She changed. Our environments changed. Our finances changed. Our emotional needs changed. Our mental health changed. Our obstacles, fears, and revelations about who we were changed. And as the saying goes, change is necessary. Growth is optional.

With all of the changes, if you don't opt in to grow through them, things will either become healthy, end, or both.

In today's social media crazed world, how does one tune out distractions and focus on their relationship?

Boundaries. Set them. Commit to them. Early. I honestly feel like new relationships aren't ready for social media. That energy of what people may think about decisions you may need to make to keep the relationship healthy and intact can be the reason you don't make those decisions if you, first, haven't built the proper foundation. It can also build a momentum you can't keep up. Positive pictures, inspirational quotes under "usies" just to finally hit the rough patch we all go through, and then feeling embarrassed when it comes through in your posts afterwards or feeling like you're too restricted when trying not to vent about your relationship troubles and the aversion to those feelings playing a part in continuing what would otherwise be a lasting relationship.

But the biggest thing to remember, is boundaries. What's okay to post/talk about. What's out of bounds in terms of engaging with other profiles. How much privacy. Etc. Don't wait until things get real to decide what's best for social media. By then, it'll be too late.

For those struggling to find love, any words of wisdom to keep them hopeful?

Finding love is a matter of building the love in you to attract it towards you. Essentially, the more you focus on your yearning for love, the more you push it away. Those in emotionally healthy states are not looking for walking deficits, they're looking for assets, and assets are those who have been so focused on loving themselves, they're overflowing with some to spare.

"Finding love is a matter of building the love in you to attract it towards you. The more you focus on your yearning for love, the more you push it away."

More practically speaking, love is coming, and it will come sooner if you are currently focused on how much you can fall in love with yourself, the things you love, and the things that fulfill you without the help of others. Your hope to find love will also manifest from those actions because subconsciously, it'll show you how abundant love is when you focus on the right things instead of training yourself to keep an eye out for it as if it's some rare precious metal that'll pass you by.

For more Derrick Jaxn, follow him on Instagram.

ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
Sign up

Featured image by Shutterstock

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