I'm almost certain every woman has wasted precious time and energy in dating a f-ckboy at least once in her lifetime (myself included).
And although we'll never get that time back, Derrick Jaxn, self love ambassador and healthy relationship guru gives us all hope that good men still DO exist. Thankfully, f-ckboys are not our only option.
I first discovered Derrick Jaxn while casually scrolling on Instagram, and stumbled upon one of his weekly relationship discussions. I remember initially thinking, "He's so handsome" shortly followed by "Who does this man think he is to give relationship advice to women?"
Instantly annoyed, I got off the page, but found myself back on a few days later. After watching a few videos in its entirety, it all made sense to me. Jaxn wasn't just a random person delivering unrealistic expectations in love. Instead, he had a genuine, honest, and most importantly, a realistic approach to healthy relationships and just wanted to help men and women find that.
With a past filled with a few f*ckboy tendencies of his own, Jaxn has experience in all sides of this complicated dating world, but a few years ago, he chose to take accountability of his actions in life and love and asked himself what type of man he wanted to be.
"I always wanted to become a man I could admire."
And that he did. As he matured into the man he is now, Jaxn changed his dating habits and chose to share those changes with the world. His opinions on love seemed to resonate with thousands and has led him to a platform of self love and relationships. He is now an author of six books, and the creator of F*ckboy Flashcards and Mentally Stimulate Me board game in which he aims to change the way we look at dating.
And since I know you're wondering ladies…sorry, but Jaxn is off the market and is a happily married man and a loving father. But, you should still use his advice to find that great love of your own. Here's what else Jaxn had to say.
How can women and men "do better" while dating ?
Heal, first. Women aren't perfect, but when it comes to dating, they're typically a bit further ahead of the curve than men. That results in women who open up on a level the men they're opening up to aren't ready for and results in emotional wounds they have to figure out how to heal on their own. Many women never properly heal after their first attempt and they end up re-dating the one who caused the damage to begin with, or look for healing in someone else who preys on them, and the fact they're "a wounded animal." The only men who prey on wounded animals are those looking to worsen the damage, but if women took their healing into their own hands, they could avoid these men and bring only the lessons learned from their past into their future when they do meet the man who does not come to hurt them.
"Many women never properly heal after their first attempt and they end up re-dating the one who caused the damage to begin with, or look for healing in someone else who preys on them."
Prepare, first. As it relates to dating, a gateway to relationships, men are thrown into Ph.D. level courses with a 3rd grade education. That's about where our society stops when it comes to properly preparing us emotionally and mentally for effective dating, so many of us do so recreationally and when we think we're ready to be serious about it, realize we're not properly equipped to do so. This is the part where we either "wing it" or try to get our dating partner to be willing to settle for our elementary education.
As cliche as it may sound, what do men want from a woman?
Monolithically speaking, there is no answer since we're all different in terms of age, background, etc. But to give you an idea:
Broken men want fixers. Immature men want mothers. Good men want partners. Hard-working men want supporters. Lazy men want enablers. Insecure men want puppets. Abusive men want objects. F*ckboys want bad bitches.
What are some key mistakes women make when seeking a potential partner ?
Putting a 90-day rule on their bodies, but not on their hearts. It's great to close the legs until you're confident the relationship is headed somewhere, but if other things like opening up about past hurts, being available to him at a moment's notice, or spending a lot of time with him makes a woman emotionally attach, she needs to have a boundary for that as well, not just her body.
Forgetting that good men have standards, too. "The prize" mindset says that women are automatically better than the man, and although tradition teaches us this, it's not true. Women are not better and the same is true vice versa. A good man can sense entitlement from a mile away and if that's what he picks up on in the beginning, it will drive him away. There's a way to be "not impressed" by a man while still being appreciative of the investment he makes upfront.
For women, what are some obvious signs to know that your current partner isn't the one?
Bringing things to his attention that are bothering or negatively impacting you, but having it turned around on you, as if you're ALWAYS the problem. Feeling like without you two's history and your current love for him, you really wouldn't remain with him. Feeling like you're the only one fighting for the relationship. Abuse. Ever.
From a male perspective, what are men seeking in a life-long partner/wife, opposed to a temporary fling?
What a man seeks depends on who he is and what he feels like he's missing, not on what level or relationship he wants, so the answer is similar to the one I gave earlier. If he's a user, he's going to look for a woman he can use. Maybe it's for sex, maybe it's for money, maybe it's for connections or emotional support, but it all depends on him. He'll have her temporarily if that's as long as she tolerates him, or for the rest of her life, if she allows it. A shiny quality for a user is one who'll have low enough self-esteem and enough need for him to validate her so that it's not too temporary.
"What a man seeks depends on who he is and what he feels like he's missing, not on what level or relationship he wants."
If he's an emotionally healthy man with good character, he's going to look for that partner and best friend. Someone who not only can he trust, but also has the emotional capacity to trust him as well. He'll look for a woman who sees and speaks to the best in him, without coddling him. He'll want accountability without disrespect. He'll want sex coupled with intimacy that goes deeper than skin.
What's the best advice you've received when it comes to love ?
Sometimes, it's gonna suck (laughs). True though. It does. As simple and unsexy as that advice was, it kept me from giving up when it started sucking. It disabused me of the notion that every day was going to sunny just because we were "right" for each other. And when things started sucking, instead of quitting, I started evaluating. I think that's the part a lot of people in our generation miss. The part where it sucks.
Instead of throwing in the towel, we are supposed to tighten our bootstraps and get it back to how it was, and live to fight another day.
As a married man, what is the key to a healthy, lasting relationship?
Growth. Before I was married, and if I'd never gotten married, that would still be my answer. I only got married because both my wife and I were committed to doing just that, growing. We were compatible when we first met, but things changed. I changed. She changed. Our environments changed. Our finances changed. Our emotional needs changed. Our mental health changed. Our obstacles, fears, and revelations about who we were changed. And as the saying goes, change is necessary. Growth is optional.
With all of the changes, if you don't opt in to grow through them, things will either become healthy, end, or both.
In today's social media crazed world, how does one tune out distractions and focus on their relationship?
Boundaries. Set them. Commit to them. Early. I honestly feel like new relationships aren't ready for social media. That energy of what people may think about decisions you may need to make to keep the relationship healthy and intact can be the reason you don't make those decisions if you, first, haven't built the proper foundation. It can also build a momentum you can't keep up. Positive pictures, inspirational quotes under "usies" just to finally hit the rough patch we all go through, and then feeling embarrassed when it comes through in your posts afterwards or feeling like you're too restricted when trying not to vent about your relationship troubles and the aversion to those feelings playing a part in continuing what would otherwise be a lasting relationship.
But the biggest thing to remember, is boundaries. What's okay to post/talk about. What's out of bounds in terms of engaging with other profiles. How much privacy. Etc. Don't wait until things get real to decide what's best for social media. By then, it'll be too late.
For those struggling to find love, any words of wisdom to keep them hopeful?
Finding love is a matter of building the love in you to attract it towards you. Essentially, the more you focus on your yearning for love, the more you push it away. Those in emotionally healthy states are not looking for walking deficits, they're looking for assets, and assets are those who have been so focused on loving themselves, they're overflowing with some to spare.
"Finding love is a matter of building the love in you to attract it towards you. The more you focus on your yearning for love, the more you push it away."
More practically speaking, love is coming, and it will come sooner if you are currently focused on how much you can fall in love with yourself, the things you love, and the things that fulfill you without the help of others. Your hope to find love will also manifest from those actions because subconsciously, it'll show you how abundant love is when you focus on the right things instead of training yourself to keep an eye out for it as if it's some rare precious metal that'll pass you by.
For more Derrick Jaxn, follow him on Instagram.