I'm almost certain every woman has wasted precious time and energy in dating a f-ckboy at least once in her lifetime (myself included).
And although we'll never get that time back, Derrick Jaxn, self love ambassador and healthy relationship guru gives us all hope that good men still DO exist. Thankfully, f-ckboys are not our only option.
I first discovered Derrick Jaxn while casually scrolling on Instagram, and stumbled upon one of his weekly relationship discussions. I remember initially thinking, "He's so handsome" shortly followed by "Who does this man think he is to give relationship advice to women?"
Instantly annoyed, I got off the page, but found myself back on a few days later. After watching a few videos in its entirety, it all made sense to me. Jaxn wasn't just a random person delivering unrealistic expectations in love. Instead, he had a genuine, honest, and most importantly, a realistic approach to healthy relationships and just wanted to help men and women find that.
With a past filled with a few f*ckboy tendencies of his own, Jaxn has experience in all sides of this complicated dating world, but a few years ago, he chose to take accountability of his actions in life and love and asked himself what type of man he wanted to be.
"I always wanted to become a man I could admire."
And that he did. As he matured into the man he is now, Jaxn changed his dating habits and chose to share those changes with the world. His opinions on love seemed to resonate with thousands and has led him to a platform of self love and relationships. He is now an author of six books, and the creator of F*ckboy Flashcards and Mentally Stimulate Me board game in which he aims to change the way we look at dating.
And since I know you're wondering ladies…sorry, but Jaxn is off the market and is a happily married man and a loving father. But, you should still use his advice to find that great love of your own. Here's what else Jaxn had to say.
How can women and men "do better" while dating ?
Heal, first. Women aren't perfect, but when it comes to dating, they're typically a bit further ahead of the curve than men. That results in women who open up on a level the men they're opening up to aren't ready for and results in emotional wounds they have to figure out how to heal on their own. Many women never properly heal after their first attempt and they end up re-dating the one who caused the damage to begin with, or look for healing in someone else who preys on them, and the fact they're "a wounded animal." The only men who prey on wounded animals are those looking to worsen the damage, but if women took their healing into their own hands, they could avoid these men and bring only the lessons learned from their past into their future when they do meet the man who does not come to hurt them.
"Many women never properly heal after their first attempt and they end up re-dating the one who caused the damage to begin with, or look for healing in someone else who preys on them."
Prepare, first. As it relates to dating, a gateway to relationships, men are thrown into Ph.D. level courses with a 3rd grade education. That's about where our society stops when it comes to properly preparing us emotionally and mentally for effective dating, so many of us do so recreationally and when we think we're ready to be serious about it, realize we're not properly equipped to do so. This is the part where we either "wing it" or try to get our dating partner to be willing to settle for our elementary education.
As cliche as it may sound, what do men want from a woman?
Monolithically speaking, there is no answer since we're all different in terms of age, background, etc. But to give you an idea:
Broken men want fixers. Immature men want mothers. Good men want partners. Hard-working men want supporters. Lazy men want enablers. Insecure men want puppets. Abusive men want objects. F*ckboys want bad bitches.
What are some key mistakes women make when seeking a potential partner ?
Putting a 90-day rule on their bodies, but not on their hearts. It's great to close the legs until you're confident the relationship is headed somewhere, but if other things like opening up about past hurts, being available to him at a moment's notice, or spending a lot of time with him makes a woman emotionally attach, she needs to have a boundary for that as well, not just her body.
Forgetting that good men have standards, too. "The prize" mindset says that women are automatically better than the man, and although tradition teaches us this, it's not true. Women are not better and the same is true vice versa. A good man can sense entitlement from a mile away and if that's what he picks up on in the beginning, it will drive him away. There's a way to be "not impressed" by a man while still being appreciative of the investment he makes upfront.
For women, what are some obvious signs to know that your current partner isn't the one?
Bringing things to his attention that are bothering or negatively impacting you, but having it turned around on you, as if you're ALWAYS the problem. Feeling like without you two's history and your current love for him, you really wouldn't remain with him. Feeling like you're the only one fighting for the relationship. Abuse. Ever.
From a male perspective, what are men seeking in a life-long partner/wife, opposed to a temporary fling?
What a man seeks depends on who he is and what he feels like he's missing, not on what level or relationship he wants, so the answer is similar to the one I gave earlier. If he's a user, he's going to look for a woman he can use. Maybe it's for sex, maybe it's for money, maybe it's for connections or emotional support, but it all depends on him. He'll have her temporarily if that's as long as she tolerates him, or for the rest of her life, if she allows it. A shiny quality for a user is one who'll have low enough self-esteem and enough need for him to validate her so that it's not too temporary.
"What a man seeks depends on who he is and what he feels like he's missing, not on what level or relationship he wants."
If he's an emotionally healthy man with good character, he's going to look for that partner and best friend. Someone who not only can he trust, but also has the emotional capacity to trust him as well. He'll look for a woman who sees and speaks to the best in him, without coddling him. He'll want accountability without disrespect. He'll want sex coupled with intimacy that goes deeper than skin.
What's the best advice you've received when it comes to love ?
Sometimes, it's gonna suck (laughs). True though. It does. As simple and unsexy as that advice was, it kept me from giving up when it started sucking. It disabused me of the notion that every day was going to sunny just because we were "right" for each other. And when things started sucking, instead of quitting, I started evaluating. I think that's the part a lot of people in our generation miss. The part where it sucks.
Instead of throwing in the towel, we are supposed to tighten our bootstraps and get it back to how it was, and live to fight another day.
As a married man, what is the key to a healthy, lasting relationship?
Growth. Before I was married, and if I'd never gotten married, that would still be my answer. I only got married because both my wife and I were committed to doing just that, growing. We were compatible when we first met, but things changed. I changed. She changed. Our environments changed. Our finances changed. Our emotional needs changed. Our mental health changed. Our obstacles, fears, and revelations about who we were changed. And as the saying goes, change is necessary. Growth is optional.
With all of the changes, if you don't opt in to grow through them, things will either become healthy, end, or both.
In today's social media crazed world, how does one tune out distractions and focus on their relationship?
Boundaries. Set them. Commit to them. Early. I honestly feel like new relationships aren't ready for social media. That energy of what people may think about decisions you may need to make to keep the relationship healthy and intact can be the reason you don't make those decisions if you, first, haven't built the proper foundation. It can also build a momentum you can't keep up. Positive pictures, inspirational quotes under "usies" just to finally hit the rough patch we all go through, and then feeling embarrassed when it comes through in your posts afterwards or feeling like you're too restricted when trying not to vent about your relationship troubles and the aversion to those feelings playing a part in continuing what would otherwise be a lasting relationship.
But the biggest thing to remember, is boundaries. What's okay to post/talk about. What's out of bounds in terms of engaging with other profiles. How much privacy. Etc. Don't wait until things get real to decide what's best for social media. By then, it'll be too late.
For those struggling to find love, any words of wisdom to keep them hopeful?
Finding love is a matter of building the love in you to attract it towards you. Essentially, the more you focus on your yearning for love, the more you push it away. Those in emotionally healthy states are not looking for walking deficits, they're looking for assets, and assets are those who have been so focused on loving themselves, they're overflowing with some to spare.
"Finding love is a matter of building the love in you to attract it towards you. The more you focus on your yearning for love, the more you push it away."
More practically speaking, love is coming, and it will come sooner if you are currently focused on how much you can fall in love with yourself, the things you love, and the things that fulfill you without the help of others. Your hope to find love will also manifest from those actions because subconsciously, it'll show you how abundant love is when you focus on the right things instead of training yourself to keep an eye out for it as if it's some rare precious metal that'll pass you by.
For more Derrick Jaxn, follow him on Instagram.
- Should You Wait For A Man To Be Ready? - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
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- www.derrickjaxnarchives.com | Lifestyle Blogger Derrick Jaxn ›
- Should successful women date men with far less going for ... ›
- 8 Powerful Steps to Self-Love | Psychology Today ›
- Self-love - Wikipedia ›
- A Seven-Step Prescription for Self-Love | Psychology Today ›
- Self-Love Must Come First: How to Love Yourself | HuffPost ›
- What Self-Love Means: 20+ Ways to Be Good to Yourself ›
- 10 Wonderful Ways To Practice Self-Love - mindbodygreen ›
- What does “self-love” really mean and how to start loving yourself ... ›
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- Self Love Ambassador (@derrickjaxn) • Instagram photos and videos ›
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- Amazon.com: Derrick Jaxn: Books ›
- Derrick Jaxn Has A Message for Those Looking for Love - EBONY ›
- A Cheating Man's Heart: Derrick Jaxn: 8601410542146: Amazon ... ›
Ashley McDonough is a writer and producer in New York City. When she's not busy writing or producing culturally conscious content, she is patiently waiting for Oprah and Stedman to adopt her. Keep up with her journey via social @Ashley_Milani or check out her work on www.AshleyMcDonough.org.
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Now that the fall season is officially settling its way on in, it’s time to ramp up on our favorite warm drinks. And while, for me, what tops the list is hot chocolate and apple cider, being that I grew up in a home that was consistently stocked with various kinds of herbal tea, that’s why I enjoy writing so much about tea (and all of the ways that it can benefit you) for this platform. I’ve written about teas that can improve your sex life (here), teas that are good for maintaining vaginal health (here), not-so-common teas that are beneficial for your overall health and well-being (here), and even teas that are perfect for this time of the year (here).
Yet one thing that I haven’t covered (until today) is the different types of tea that not only are delightful to consume during this time of the year, they are also able to get your hair right where you want it to be. And since cooler weather is typically what causes us to consider consuming tea more often — why not doubly bless yourself by stacking up on your own collection so that you cut the body chills and reach many of your hair goals at the same time, too?
1. Black Tea
Even though I’m a big fan of iced chai lattes (they contain black tea, which is why they’re relevant here), it wasn’t until I was doing some research on this topic that I discovered that black tea is currently the most popular tea worldwide. When you stop to think about the fact that black tea is good for you when it comes to lowering blood sugar levels, increasing your focus and productivity levels, making your gut healthier, decreasing your risk of a stroke, and keeping your cholesterol levels in check — you definitely should give black tea a try, if you haven’t already.
Why does your hair like it? The thing about teas is, whether you use them as an herbal hair rinse or you drink them, they can do wonders. For instance, not only is black tea loaded with antioxidants that can protect your hair from heat damage (the sun still shines during the fall and winter seasons), but it can also help to keep your scalp in great shape and reduce hair shedding. Not only that, but word on the street is, black tea is also beneficial when it comes to boosting your hair color and making your locks appear shiny (or shinier) too.
2. Rosemary Tea
Rosemary has so many uses. It’s used as a seasoning for food. It’s in many beauty products. And it definitely comes with quite a few impressive health benefits. Thanks to all of the antioxidants and anti-inflammatory properties that it contains, rosemary aids in proper digestion, boosting cognitive function and even enhancing your memory. As far as vaginal health goes, rosemary oil can help to speed up the healing process of certain infections, and, skin-wise, it can help to boost hydration and elasticity.
Your hair will adore rosemary tea because its antifungal and antibacterial properties will keep your scalp healthy, reduce dandruff, and keep your scalp and hair moisturized while ultimately playing a role in promoting overall hair strength and growth.
3. Peppermint Tea
Peppermint tea is one of my faves, year-round. It’s probably because I’m such a fan of mint. Anyway, it’s able to soothe headaches and migraines, unclog your sinuses, help prevent bacterial infections, bring relief to menstrual cramps, decrease allergy-related symptoms, assist with weight loss, and also make it easier to fall (and stay) asleep.
The menthol in peppermint tea is why it gets a shout-out here. Whether you drink the tea or use it as a hair rinse, it will increase blood circulation to your scalp so that your hair follicles are able to get the nutrients that they need. Oh, and since peppermint oil has been proven to aid in hair growth, something tells me that the properties of peppermint tea are able to do the same.
4. Chamomile Tea
I wouldn’t be surprised at all if the first thing that comes to mind whenever you hear “chamomile tea” is that it helps you sleep. The backstory there is it contains an antioxidant called apigenin that helps to relax your system. Some other ways that chamomile is helpful are it reduces anxiety, regulates blood sugar levels, soothes an upset stomach, brings relief to period cramps, and can even help to reduce skin inflammation.
Since it’s a tea that is also filled with antimicrobial and anti-inflammatory properties, if you’re looking for a way to keep your scalp in great shape from the inside out, chamomile tea is the one for you (as a hair rinse, it can help to prevent split ends too).
5. Oolong Tea
Oolong is a kind of Chinese tea that you definitely should have in your own tea collection. For starters, if you’re looking for a coffee alternative that will provide you with a solid caffeine boost, oolong has more caffeine in it than even green tea does. Interestingly enough, even though it can give you more energy, oolong also contains the amino acid L-theanine which is a pretty effective de-stressor. Some other bonuses about this particular tea are that it helps to naturally protect against diabetes-related complications, plays a role in burning body fat, and even aids in strengthening teeth and bones.
As a rinse, oolong tea has a reputation for helping to prevent hair loss. Whether you pour it on your tresses or drink it, oolong can help to bring strength and shine to your locks over time. Also, whether you’re drinking it or applying it as a hair rinse, it will boost blood circulation — and that will help to strengthen your hair follicles so that they remain nice and strong.
6. Calendula Tea
Another tea that’s filled with antioxidants is calendula tea. Between that and all of the anti-inflammatory properties that it contains, you can rely on this tea to reduce oxidative stress. Some other great things about calendula are it has antifungal and antimicrobial properties that can help to fight off yeast infections and early signs of gum disease. And if you’re looking for an herbal tea that will help to slow down the signs of aging, it’s able to do that as well.
On the hair front, if what you want, more than just about anything in this world right now is a natural tea remedy that will help you to combat frizz; calendula can assist with making your cuticles smoother as well as shinier.
7. Red Clover Tea
If any of the teas on this list is hailed as a “women’s tea,” it would have to be red clover. That’s because it contains isoflavones, which mimic estrogen, which can make menopause-related symptoms easier to bear. Some other cool things about this particular tea are it helps to lower cholesterol levels, strengthens your heart, and can support bone health as you age.
Your hair? Your hair will like the properties of red clover because the antioxidants in it can also help menopausal women maintain the appearance and texture of their locks once their estrogen levels begin to decline (due to menopause).
8. Hibiscus Tea
Probably the most colorful tea out of the bunch is hibiscus tea. It’s a beautiful bright red hue that also benefits you in a lot of ways. Not only does its antibiotics help to reduce bodily inflammation, it also helps to lower blood pressure and cholesterol levels. Plus, hibiscus aids in fighting off bad bacteria (like E.coli) and keeping your liver in good working condition.
Since this is a type of tea that has calcium, iron, and vitamin C in it, it can be beneficial for hair growth because they all help with the process of growing healthy and long hair. Calcium helps to strengthen your hair follicles, iron helps to reduce hair loss and shedding and vitamin C helps to produce collagen; collagen keeps elasticity in your hair which ultimately results in less breakage. Collagen also helps to slow down premature graying which is always a bonus.
9. Nettle Tea
Although it’s not the type of tea that makes most people’s top 10 list, that doesn’t make it any less beneficial…for a myriad of reasons. If you’re someone who battles with allergies (especially around this time of the year), you want to naturally boost your immune system, you’re looking for relief from arthritic pain, and/or you’re recovering from a urinary tract infection (UTI), nettle tea has your back in all over these instances.
When it comes to your hair, if you’re looking for a tea that contains properties that will help to strengthen your tresses and stimulate hair growth, nettle is also gaining traction on being a solid tea for those things. For the record, as an herbal rinse, it can bring relief to scalp irritation, too.
10. Sage Tea
If minty-meets-slightly-bitter is your thing, sage tea is ideal. Health-wise, it can do everything from improve your cognitive function and put you in a better mood to regulate your blood sugar levels and ease morning sickness. Since sage, in general, contains antimicrobial properties, sage tea can also help you to maintain good oral hygiene, and since it also mimics estrogen, some menopausal women are fans of it as well.
In some ways, I saved the best for last when it comes to hair because sage has a great reputation for helping to prevent hair loss, restoring shine to your locks, stimulating hair growth, and keeping grays from looking quite so obvious.
Gee, how could you not want to run out to your local health food store to get you a few of these? Now that it’s time to start doing some layering (of clothes), adding more (warm) tea to your life is money well spent — head to toe. Literally.
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