Confession: Entitlement Is Ruining My Dating Life
Let's get real honest, sis. I'm a 20-something woman who is too old for the games but still has milk on her tongue when it comes to love.
My experience with dating and relationships hasn't - in the slightest - been linear, but there are patterns that I've uncovered in hindsight. Now that I'm more comfortable in my skin, but out of the blinders of self-denial, I'm able to operate in the dating scene from my center.
My center, however, is full of multitudes and contradictory wants and needs.
Some days, it's raining inside of my womb and I only want someone to experience the storm with me. When the sun is out and our mouths are dried of the memory from the night before, I will gracefully walk you out. Other days, I crave emotion. I want the same hands that can grip me to softly hold my well-being, mirror my sensitivity, and light the candles to serenade the romance of eternity.
Some days, I want to be alone in solitude and solely focused on myself until I am nestled in the company of money bags on my silk sheets. But then, my neighbor Loneliness peeks her 'Bye Felisha' braided head in through my window and bares a gold-tooth smile.
To be honest, sometimes these multitudes got me f*cked up.
I'm beginning to wonder where I presently fall into the spectrum of dating. In past situationships, I've been the money bag, the wound healer, the faithful, naive, unassuming girlfriend, the doormat, and the maid.
I've also been the side piece, the emotional abuser, the sugar baby, the arm candy, the booty call, and the emotionally-detached-friend-that-told-you-she-liked-you-but-never-responds-to-your-texts-because-she's-living-a-double life.
I have a full resume of experience and can probably do a TED talk on them all.
Currently, I am in a space where I am looking back at my past selves and realizing a common pattern in the way I behaved that probably led to the black hole that is my dating history:
I was acting out of entitlement.
I adopted entitlement from the acceptance of my past pains that turned into victimization.
From this space of victimization, I conditioned myself to believe that I automatically deserved to be treated the way I wanted to be treated, without reciprocating the energy. After my first relationship (where I was the money bag, the unassuming, faithful girlfriend, and the doormat), I subconsciously vowed to myself that I would not be taken for granted ever again.
That only created a monster of ego. I was walking around with a crown on my head that only I could see. Such an aura only stained my situationships with resentment and toxicity, but I carried it with me into every union. (Though sometimes not consciously.) It wasn't until I sat back and wondered why everything around me was always heavy but veiled with misunderstanding.
Entitlement is just open wounds clothed in designer.
There is a whole demographic of women who aren't entitled that understand the value of reciprocity and a balance that breeds beautiful, healthy unions. It doesn't necessarily need to be in the materialistic way, either.
I am learning, through being the silent observer of my multitudes, that I am a woman that enjoys being spoiled but also spoiling the person I love; however, my entitlement that was rooted in my scorning limited me from opening myself up in such a way that could ultimately lead to that point of reciprocity. For a minute, I was walking around men's minds like I owned the place but also bringing in my past baggage and moving in without consent.
Ego checks are in commencement.
This is not an ego check that requires me to start doing a man's dishes or jump out of my skin to show him that I'm wifey material. (Because that's a whole ass "no.") This is me recognizing my own quirks as a woman and making a commitment to myself for perpetual self-improvement. I am worthy just the way I am, as I am able to accept my thorns that come bound, unassuming and inevitable, to the flower I am.
There is a thin line between knowing my worth enough to not settle and entitlement. But I'm beginning to believe that it is the very act of accepting my whole self. A part of that entails me having the confidence to tell another that they are not obligated to love me, but if they choose to, they must embrace my whole self just as I am embracing them. Because, any relationship is a mirror and we all deserve to leave the cracked ones behind.
When we act from a place of wholeness, we are never settling because we know our worth.
I'm still on the bridge about if I want to dedicate myself to a full-on relationship or enjoy the colorful canvas of dating, but I do know that I am able to operate from my center and truly assert the love that dwells within me.
Whatever reality I choose to nourish from my multitudes, I can definitely check my entitlement, and my ego, at the door before entering that sacred space.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Olivia Jade is a writer and creative engineer, intersecting wellness, culture, womanism, and self-development. She waters the flowers in her mind so others can recognize their own internal garden. Link up: @akaoliviajade (Twitter and IG) oliviajade.co
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How To Tell If You're Disciplining Your Child Or Seeking Revenge
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
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Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images