We Talked To Over 20 Guys About The Things They Like In Bed But Won’t Ask For
Let's keep it all the way real here. Men love sex. Women love sex. Those are just the facts. But what's often up for debate is exactly how each group would REALLY prefer to enjoy it. And I'm not just talking about favorite positions and foreplay. No, I'm talking about those deep innermost thoughts that we all secretly have but rarely ever voice. You know, the ones that would make all our mommas and grandmamas clutch their pearls if word ever got out. The ones that might make our friends look at us a little differently at brunch. And the ones that ALSO might make our significant other step up their game in bed if expressed.
So, it was in that spirit that I decided to take to the streets (not really because, 'Rona) and get a firsthand account of some of the things men like in bed but don't always ask for. And boy, did they NOT hold back. From butt play to role play and everything in between--nothing was off limits for these guys and the things they like but won't ask for. And I do mean, nothing. You might want to keep your pearls handy and pour up a drink for this one. Don't say I didn't warn you.
*Disclaimer: Some names have been changed to protect the freaky.
The Things Guys Like In Bed But Won't Ask For
For some guys, there was hardly anything they couldn’t ask for in bed…
Zach, 26
"Honestly, we are extremely open sexually and make sure to give reviews often. We've done some weird stuff already before so it's not many things I couldn't bring up."
Cortney, 27
"Usually I ask if it's something not being reciprocated. I feel like in the bedroom, when it comes to sex--it's a connection both partners have. In my case, I'm never apprehensive because most times it's clear, if that makes sense."
James, 27
"Everything I'm interested in, my partner is fine doing it. But I guess it's not fair that I never really asked for anything, it just happened over time."
Anthony, 26
"I'm personally kind of vocal in the things I like to participate in, so really I'm asking for whatever (laughs). I will say I haven't reached the pinnacle of 'freakiness', so my palette is honestly easy to ask for when wanted. In my past/current experiences, as I get older, there will be things I might like to try and explore. But hopefully, I'll have chosen an open enough partner who doesn't make me feel like what I'm asking for is out of the question."
Chris W*, 29
"Honestly, I am apprehensive about asking for things. My upbringing contributed heavily to never being a man to ask anything from anyone, especially my lady. I desire for us to be less structured and more experimental. Not in a sense of bringing other people in or anything, but just in getting lost within each other sexually."
"I will say I haven't reached the pinnacle of 'freakiness', so my palette is honestly easy to ask for when wanted. In my past/current experiences, as I get older, there will be things I might like to try and explore. But hopefully, I'll have chosen an open enough partner who doesn't make me feel like what I'm asking for is out of the question."
For other guys, what they won't ask for in bed is butt play…
TJ, 37
"[I want] my butthole to be touched. I don't want it penetrated but when I'm getting head, I like it touched. If I'm with a person that is not as open-minded or a person that I think will tease me for something we did, that makes me uncomfortable. Like a woman: the more comfortable I am, the freakier I am."
Dave, 36
"I like my butt being played with. My partner has done it before and was actually the one who introduced me to it, but then she goes to say that she's worried that I'll realize I'm actually gay. So, I never ask for it and just hope she chooses to each time."
Robert, 35
"I want my anus ate. It's not an easy topic to discuss or bring up, especially when you've not hinted at it before. Sometimes I want a freebie. That's a jump and nut. Not because I don't care about her pleasure, but because the week was long and I just need to get it out. Also, screw me like you got competition and if you know you ain't fresh, freshen up. And if you know there's another woman that's a fantasy of mine, be her for a night. I'd appreciate you more sexually."
For some, oral sex was the thing…
Marlon, 28
"I like it when my girl takes the initiative when it comes to giving head. I like a girl who enjoys sucking dick and doesn't wait for me to ask for it. I don't have a problem asking, but the energy is different (and better for me) when she just pulls it out and does her thing. I'm not necessarily apprehensive but it's not the same feel if I ask for it. [It] takes the spontaneity out of it."
Ed, 25
"I like oral sex but I wouldn't expect it every time. Because sometimes giving head is what a man wants versus what a woman wants. And if I can't give her what she wants, then I don't feel comfortable asking for it."
Chris R*, 26
"Oral sex is something I like to give and receive. However, it becomes an issue when the female doesn't like giving and only wants to receive. It also plays into my philosophy of relationships. I believe both parties should be doing whatever they can to please the other person. This is more of a martial concept, of course. But that's what creates harmony in the relationship. When both are willing to step slightly outside of their comfort zone to please each other, it creates satisfaction for both sides. It's one of those things I shouldn't have to ask for (in my opinion). I don't want her to think I feel entitled to it. But in all honesty, since we both are Christians, we shouldn't be doing it at all before marriage anyways so that also becomes an issue of guilt."
"I believe both parties should be doing whatever they can to please the other person. This is more of a martial concept, of course. But that's what creates harmony in the relationship. When both are willing to step slightly outside of their comfort zone to please each other, it creates satisfaction for both sides."
And for others, it was a bit of everything...
Reggie*, 33
"We've discussed the standard things: threesome--open to before the pandemic; she wants to watch me with another woman, [but there's the] same dilemma. In that, there's a little bit of a cheating fantasy, I think, but I don't even know where or how to bring that up. Also, I'm really into--there's no politically correct term I know for this--tit-f*cking. But my girlfriend isn't endowed in that way. We've tried, but it didn't work. So, I'm always nervous bringing it back up. Another visual thing I'm into, but it would have to wait for post-pandemic, is a double blowjob. Selfish to some degree, but in addition to the visual, I'm curious about how it actually feels. If there's anything that I'm more interested in that I don't know how to bring up again, it's being in an open relationship."
Keith, 32
"I really enjoy a level of role-playing, but not full-on acting out different characters. But more so, unwavering focus to be as nasty as you want. That means someone who takes charge and talks dirty and just makes sex feel like an event. I don't ever want them to feel as if they're less than what I want or that I'm being demanding."
AK, 32
"Oh, I know one, sleeping in the bed alone. [Were] you ever in a relationship and just want the bed to yourself for no reason? I wouldn't be able to say it out loud. But I guess anything that I think would make her look at me differently or make her feel like she was just a prop for the sole sake of my pleasure. I think culture has conditioned us as males, especially straight black males, to feel like sex is performative and mainly for our pleasure as a reward of being like the realest n*gga or getting a girl to let you have sex with her. From rap songs to porn, it's easy to take that mentality into the bedroom and assume that's the goal of sex. And as a guy, if you not careful, you can catch yourself slipping into that headspace instead of like, a collaborative, serve each other mindset that is mutually beneficial."
"I think culture has conditioned us as males, especially straight black males, to feel like sex is performative and mainly for our pleasure as a reward of being like the realest n*gga or getting a girl to let you have sex with her. From rap songs to porn, it's easy to take that mentality into the bedroom and assume that's the goal of sex. And as a guy, if you not careful, you can catch yourself slipping into that headspace instead of like, a collaborative, serve each other mindset that is mutually beneficial."
Julian, 28
"To be honest, there isn't much I wouldn't ask for that he wouldn't do because I'm very straightforward and transparent and he enjoys it! I think the things I would ask for, would be sex in public places other than a damn car, where the thrill of getting caught plays into us getting off! I would like to be tied up to a swing, gagged, spanked and a light beating with oil before sex. And it needs to be good aggressive sex, like biting and scratching pinned down, talking shit and maybe even a little spit in my mouth here and there. Choke me while you f*ck me and I'm on poppers so the head high and orgasm are amazing. I love soft passionate lovemaking, but sometimes I need that hard pressure and aggression."
Shannon, 27
"I've never really given it any thought but now that I think about it whenever I'm giving backshots, the sights are wonderful. Sometimes I'm like, 'I wonder what this hole would feel like instead' and as quick as the thought pops up, I'm like, 'Nah, she's probably not into that, TF is wrong with me?' But truthfully, for my life partner, whoever she may be, if I could learn all of the ways to bring her pleasure, why wouldn't I?"
GDT, 30
"In real life, in most scenarios, I am the leader and/or in some form of control. I want to be able to sit back and enjoy this session. Feel free to take complete control. Also, tease me. I like to work for it up until the point of your last piece of clothing comes off. As bad as you want it, make me think I'm working for it even in that moment. That's sure to get you more than one round. Be spontaneous! Let's have sex in the car, on a hiking trail, the kitchen counter, inside the resturant bathroom. Let's try some things.
"Be nasty. Let me slut you out! Sounds bad, but if I'm the only person enjoying you and vice versa, swallow me literally and figuratively. And lastly, initiate more often: I love sex, Men love sex. We don't want to have to ask for it or feel like we're pressuring you. Just come home and do what needs to be done (laughs). I'm a professional, always, so sounding rude or overly pressuring someone I love and/or sexually active with is not the goal. Also, I understand the daily disrespect and hard days Black women have (and I'm only interested in Black women--no love lost for others pursuing differently) so I'm not trying to seem abusive by my request."
"Be nasty. Let me slut you out! Sounds bad, but if I'm the only person enjoying you and vice versa, swallow me literally and figuratively. And lastly, initiate more often: I love sex, Men love sex. We don't want to have to ask for it or feel like we're pressuring you."
Jay*, 30
"I started watching porn really early, at like 10. I'm almost thirty now so, as the years passed, regular porn wasn't enough for me. I started to watch more BDSM, trans, cuckold, humiliation, femdom stuff because of the shock value and it excited me. One thing I struggle with is defining what I just like to watch and what I actually want to try. A few things I have yet to tell my wife about is my desire to be degraded. Like while we're having sex, I want her to laugh at my size, call my penis small, make fun of me. Along with this, I want her to communicate how worthless my dick is and tell me to bend over so she can peg me. I'd actually love to do all of these things in front of our friends. I really want to go to an adult lifestyle club and have sex in a room full of strangers and watch others."
Arin*, 28
"Hmmmm. That's a good question. I would have to say that I feel like confidence is the most important thing that I can't really ask for. I feel like confidence leads to a lot. And plus, there is little better than a beautiful woman who knows she's beautiful."
Aaron, 33
"I like my nip-nips sucked up on and licked, damnit. I had a girlfriend that used to do that shit and it was tight. But it's hella weird being a grown ass man asking for it still. To be honest, I think guys' bodies are just as sensitive to touch as the ladies'. Getting kissed all over would be tight in general, maybe it's just me."
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Writer. Empath. Escapist. Young, gifted, and Black. Shanelle Genai is a proud Southern girl in a serious relationship with celebrity interviews, The Fresh Prince of Bel-Air, and long walks down Sephora aisles. Keep up with her on IG @shanellegenai.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
Mavocado/ Getty Images
According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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Feature image by fizkes/ Getty Images