

So You Want To Have A Threesome? Read This First.
Have you ever thought about just how far we've come as a society when it comes to sex? You can log onto just about any website and see some form of porn, whether you want it or not. Yet, for some reason, women are still not comfortable talking about "taboo" subjects, including but not limited to threesomes.
Everything about our sexual experience as women is geared towards a man and his pleasure. It's as though our sexual liberation is only okay under the approval of male standards. That's a problem for me. It makes me wonder: Do people think that women are incapable of being sexually attracted to another woman without the approval of a man?
And I'm not speaking in terms of lesbians; I'm speaking in terms of women who are bisexual, women who want to experience sex with both sexes, because it's just something she wants to do. If you're considering having a threesome, but still feel a little skeptical, here's a few words of advice that will help you through your first time:
Have No Shame
I'm on a mission to live my life for me, this was a part of that. I didn't have to tell my Mom this information. I've been in a committed hetero-relationship for seven years. I felt that it was important to reveal this information, because my Mom, like many other older women of color, has a problem with the gays (and has no problem vocalizing it.) This was part of my reasoning for coming out to her this summer.
I felt like a hypocrite, allowing her to speak about that community when I'm secretly a part of it. It's so easy as a "bisexual" woman to live a life completely in the closet and under the radar. I could have kept this fantasy to be with women to myself and end up pulling a Glennon Doyle. But why deny a part of myself? Why build shame inside of myself? So, in my office on-call room, I told my Mom that I was bisexual.
If you're thinking about indulging in a three-way, make sure it's something you're not ashamed of to avoid a sea of regret from flooding in later on.
Ask Yourself If This Is Something You Want
Threesomes, like all sexual activities, are best when everyone involved wants to be there. If there is an issue of cheating or trust, you shouldn't be thinking about having a threesome. Sis, the threesome is not an experience you can give to your man to "make him stay". Or to keep him happy. If you don't trust him, then you damn sure won't trust him with another party involved. So why purposely put yourself through that? You don't want to be the only one in the room, counting the number of times he had sex with her versus you. (That's not fun for anyone).
When considering a threesome, the last thing you should be thinking about is pleasing him. This is about you! Do you want to know what it's like to have another woman down there? Maybe, you want to know what it would be like to be with two men at the same time (no judgment here). This is all about who you want to bring inside of your bedroom. You are the one who has to sit through it, don't you want to be enjoying it, and not watching the clock?
Be Specific In Your Choices
When you think about who you want to bring into your bedroom, it should be someone who fits into your couple style. If you can, you should be the one to pick the girl (or guy). If you don't, at least have a conversation with the person. Remember, this is your bedroom your opening up. It shouldn't be something done lightly. It shouldn't just be something you do to check off a box. A threesome is still a form of sex, which means it's still an exchange of energy, so why not make it count?
One day, I was watching Claws and Uncle Daddy was getting ready to celebrate his 30th anniversary with his wife. He said the key to a happy marriage, is to marry the right woman. He kissed his wife and then his boyfriend walked up next to him. As ridiculous as that scene was, it's true. When you're picking your mate, it must go beyond the surface level sh*t. Your relationship should be the ultimate safe zone, you shouldn't be "hiding" parts of yourself from your mate, so if you want a girlfriend or boyfriend, you shouldn't be afraid to bring up that subject.
The Ball(s) Are In Your Court
It's your bedroom, your man, your vagina, you get to make the rules. Only you can decide if a threesome is good company or a crowd. When you make the decision, do it from a place of curiosity, not out fear or from "the disease to please". YOU make the choice (or not).
I want us as black women to embrace our sexual complexities. To know that our body is not just for male consumption, gaze, or approval. We should feel confident in not only telling our partners what we want, but demanding that all our sexual needs are met. If that can only be done with more than one partner, then sis, it just is what it is! That doesn't make you a "freak" or a "hoe", it just makes you a fully realized woman, who knows what the f*ck she wants!
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Honest Am is a Detroit-based writer and podcaster. She co-hosts Dear Showrunners and is the creator of the Honestly, Sis newsletter. She prides herself on her knack for finding life lessons in television, movies and celebrity drama. Jay-Z is her godfather and Kanye West is her spirit animal.
Keep up with her on social @AmBee and join the Honesty Circle here!
Smile, Sis! These Five Improvements Can Upgrade Your Oral Hygiene Instantly
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
In the crazy world of dating, so much attention is placed on the behavior during actual dates. Whether it is choosing the right outfit or making a good first impression, the focus tends to center on the in-person time spent together. But something that often gets overlooked is the significance of "between date behavior (BDB)." BDB is not just generic good morning text messages (that can be sent to 10 women in one minute), but rather text check-ins during the day and even nightly phone calls. This is the time when two people are apart but still find time for connection.
It is during these in-between moments that the foundation of a truly meaningful relationship is often built. A glaring example of what happens when there isn’t BDB is the early relationship between Carrie and Big from Sex and the City. At the beginning of the series, she was so hyper-focused on the time she spent together that she ignored that Big wasn’t calling or texting her often between dates. Instead, he would reach out and send cars based on his convenience… and not hers.
When it comes to dating, don’t be Carrie!
BDB in Dating
@datingcoachanwar BDB in Dating #datingtips #datingadvice #singleblackfemale #singleblackwoman #blackfemininity #femininityforblackwomen #blackdatingadvice #blackdating #singlelatina #singlelatinas
Please realize that 80-90% of your time will NOT be with your partner while seriously dating, so the BDB will also be a significant part of your relationship. Here are some other reasons why what happens when you're not together is just as, if not more, significant than the hours spent face-to-face…
One of the key factors that makes BDB so crucial is authenticity. When we are with someone on a date, it is easy to put on a front (show one’s representative), showcasing our best qualities and concealing our flaws. But it is in our day-to-day interactions, the text messages and phone calls, that our true selves shine through.
Consistency in behavior is an indicator of authenticity. And authenticity builds trust. And trust is the cornerstone of any meaningful relationship.
Speaking of trust, it is one of the foundations of a successful relationship. Building it doesn't happen in a single evening. It's the consistency in behavior between dates that solidifies trust. When your person consistently communicates, shows interest, and keeps it respectful in the moments between your dates, it is reassuring that your potential partner is seriously interested and invested in the relationship.
Also, in between dates, the channels of communication become lifelines that connect two people and nurture emotional intimacy. How you communicate and what you choose to communicate about can significantly impact a growing relationship. Consistent, thoughtful messages and meaningful conversations like sharing your thoughts, dreams, and vulnerabilities can help create a strong emotional bond. Being supportive and understanding during difficult moments can bring you closer together.
While the time spent on a date is super important, the BDB, I would argue, should not be slept on. It's the glue that holds the connection together, builds trust, and sets the stage for a healthy, long-lasting relationship. So, the next time you find yourself waiting for that next date, remember that the journey between those dates is just as significant, if not more so, in the grand scheme of building a meaningful connection.
Hope this helps!
Coach Anwar is a certified dating and relationship coach who has 13 years of experience helping Black and brown women date with strategy, meet relationship-ready men, and get into the best relationship of their lives.
To learn more, you can follow Coach Anwar on IG. Wanna work with Coach Anwar? Click here to book a dating consultation.
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