Since I've began attending school for my Master's in Human Sexuality, I've come to learn just how vanilla I am when it comes to sex. Classes have poked and prodded in order to get at my boundaries and, you know what? It's working. But it's also helped me to create a realistic expectation of what exploring my sexuality looks like, as I've honed in on my actual desires to test the boundaries of those things that already give me immense pleasure. I love being bound, getting my ass slapped, and the only thing that's better than a firm smack on my ass, is being brought to an intense orgasm as someone's hand is clenched around my throat while I moan softly searching for air.
Nonetheless, this doesn't necessarily mean I'm ready to be shipped off to a bootcamp for bondage and masochism. So, this is what I mean about testing and pushing the boundaries of my current eroticism. Enter, my story of my night engaging in swingers sex at the swingers club.
As you may have presumed, this has left me more curious than ever about the kink community. In a desperate search for a play party, I fell short and found an equally seductive swingers club, which I'm also not opposed to. I invited my roommate to come out with me and we were joined by another member of our cohort, and a couple. There was only one of us who had been to a swingers' club or anything like this and it was not me.
For fear of being disappointed, I delayed my expectations until I no longer could, and really the place was what dreams are made of, in the fact that it actually lived up to the hype and public perception of what a swingers' club looks like.
The minute I walked in, there were rooms on either side of me equipped with makeshift beds and white towels. At the end of the hall, by the first level bar, there was a couple fucking ever-so-casually on the lounge chairs. And me? Well, I was exhilarated! We went upstairs and headed over to the bar before cozying up in a middle booth.
The first thing I did was scope out the room to find Black people and at first there was nothing, but as it got a little later, the place became slightly peppered with melanated couples making me lucky as the only single. Although there was a guy scoping me out for he and his girlfriend, I had my sights set on something else.
As I watched the couple, I remember feeling my clitoris shoot off smoke flares through my pants as I tried to simmer down.
Although I'm never aroused by women giving head in porn, there was something about watching this woman bob and weave on her partner's solid dick that created a tension in my body that could only escape me one way. Doubting myself and what I came for, I kept telling my roommate that I couldn't wait to get home and masturbate. She reminded me that I was more than welcome to do so at the party, a refreshingly new experience to not have to leave the club when you grew too horny of dry humping on the dance floor but I wasn't ready for all of that.
Or, so I thought.
I spent another hour watching this couple, playing coy, and making bathroom runs to get their attention before they and another black couple disappeared from the main floor. Something in me told me that they went off to find somewhere a little more private, and I was right. I followed them downstairs and asked to watch because closer is better! Still mesmerized by the one couple, I completely disregarded the other and finally after coming up for air, the woman asked me if I wanted to join in.
With minimal hesitation, I hopped up and quickly began mimicking the same energy she had been giving him just five minutes earlier. I could see why she was so into it and quite frankly, I forgot what it was like to be so attracted to someone that giving head turned me on uncontrollably. After a short while, I was asked to join them in a private room and I did.
We undressed and this time, the woman went down on me, as I stuffed her partner's penis into the depths of my throat but not beyond my gag reflex. This was all a first for me and it was happening so fast.
Like musical chairs, we all switched and I nibbled on that woman's pussy, probably giving her the worst delivery ever. But instead of her partner ever reciprocating oral sex (rolls eyes), he decided it was time to go to work.
He began unfoiling the condom and that's when sh-t really hit me. Not that I had engaged in a threesome with some random couple that I didn't even exchange names with, but that I literally was the idiot who went balls deep on a stranger's dick without protection and then had the audacity to pull out a condom when the vaginal penetration was about to begin. I mean, really, make it make sense?
Condoms had been an afterthought until that moment and I could not make it make sense.
And because I couldn't make sense of it, I began to freak the f-ck out and although I didn't leave until I got what I came for -- I could no longer just lay back and enjoy the experience.
New to the city, I couldn't speed dial my gyno on the spot but please believe, the next day I was Yelping like nobody's business to find a GYN and ensure that the consequences for compromising my health were nonexistent. And, they were...this time.
Still, this situation highlighted how willing I was to risk it all for a good 15 minutes of leading with my curiosity. Despite what the saying says, curiosity has actually been known to kill the cat, my kitty just so happened to escape untouched. I also realize that I'm not alone in allowing a pleasurable moment get the best of me, as it's not the first time I've allowed it to do so, and I get the feeling that it's a common experience amongst many others.
Mostly because I think there's a lot of misconceptions about the transmission of diseases and/or infections. I've heard a myriad of people say they wear condoms for safety during vaginal/anal penetration but bypass this process during oral sex or use condoms for penis, but fail to bust out the dental dams or saran when eating the p-ssy.
This leaves room for me to assume that they may be ignorant to the fact that failing to protect yourself during any sexual penetration, may that be tongue or genitalia, leaves you vulnerable to the unknown.
And although I realize there's not nothing that I couldn't handle, should I find out that luck didn't favor me, I'd rather not. We live in a society where it's difficult enough to disclose what type of kinky stuff we're into, much less trying to disclose to any new partner that I have an untreatable venereal disease. It doesn't mean life is over, but let's not dispute the fact that it does make things far more complicated in an already tricky romantic climate to weather.
That said, if you're like me, and safety has ever become an afterthought in the midst of any tryst that's not with a trusted partner, slow. down. Hear me when I say: the d-ck ain't going nowhere.
Featured image by Giphy
Why can’t (more) singles just be single and be okay with that? Good Lord. Why does there need to be some sort of relational play-on-words to make it sound like we’re with someone — even if we’re not?
Now masturdating? Even though it’s not even close to being a “real” word, it’s something that also brought a laugh outta me — although it was then followed by a genuine smile. The laugh because I almost immediately caught the play-on-words. The smile was due to the intention behind it all.
If you’re not familiar with what masturdating is and you’re curious about why you should even care, take a few moments to at least skim through what it’s about and why I think participating, as a single person, is a pretty cool (and effective) concept.
@knotlukas Masturdate: a date w oneself
What’s Masturdating All About?
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Masturdating. Okay, so let the word marinate for just a moment. What does it sound like? Yeah…exactly. And since a huge part of masturbation centers around self-pleasure, it’s cool to explore how “self-dating” could produce similar (as far as pleasure is concerned in a broader sense) results. Because masturdating is all about spending quality time with yourself, pampering yourself, treating yourself— and yes, taking yourself out on dates.
Any of you who may think that masturdating is a consolation prize — and a pitiful one at that — for not being able to go out with another human being or get that dream $200 first date that social media was all in a tizzy about last year (bookmark that) — personally, I think that you’re the demographic who needs to try out masturdating first and the most. Why? Off top, I’ll share my three good reasons.
3 Reasons To Strongly Consider Masturdating
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1. It’s an intimate way to get to know yourself better. I’ve been working with couples for a pretty long time at this point and if there’s a pattern that I see arise, OFTEN, it’s that two people are oftentimes so busy trying to “find their person” that they didn’t even know who they were. As a direct result, they found themselves in a relationship with someone who only complemented the “kiddie pool version” of who they were.
That’s why it can be so beneficial to spend time getting to know yourself on the “deep end” of things: what makes you tick, what your passions are, what you want most out of life, what are your interests beyond obvious things — and masturdating can help you to discover all of this. Whether it’s traveling alone or taking out a weekend to drink some wine and journal, the more you get to know yourself, the clearer you’ll be about who complements you on a romantic and friendship level.
2. It will definitely help to boost your confidence levels. I guess since I’m an ambivert, I don’t really get why people freak out at the mere thought of going to a restaurant or movie alone. Personally, I think it requires a helluva lot more energy and gumption to wait around and plan stuff with other people (#Elmoshrug). However, whether you’re an introvert, extrovert, or ambivert, there’s no way around the fact that the more comfortable you get with doing things alone, the more your confidence levels will increase — no, soar — because of it.
One article that I read on the topic said that doing things alone can make you more creative, improve your mental health, and help you to be totally okay with being alone (so that you’re not “needy” for other people’s attention). A psychotherapist from a New York Times article on the benefits of spending time alone said, “Getting better at identifying moments when we need solitude to recharge and reflect can help us better handle negative emotions and experiences, like stress and burnout.” And when you’re able to stare negativity in its face without flinching, how could that not make you bolder, more self-secure, and hopeful about your life?
3. It will teach you to value your time more effectively. In every facet of your world, you’re gonna operate from a healthier place if you’re operating from a “full cup” rather than an empty one. When it comes to this topic, think about it — if you’re constantly waiting on someone to call you to go out or wishing for a dream date with some guy, all you’re doing is wasting precious time that you could be spending taking a cooking class or hell, hiring a chef to make you dinner at your own home.
Indeed, waiting has two sides to it: when it’s in the form of patience, it is indeed a virtue, yet when it’s wrapped up in the notion that you’re not really living life unless you have an audience…it is totally working against you. Choose wisely.
10 Solo Date Ideas To Help You To “Master” Masturdating
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So, what if you’re someone who has either never considered actually masturdating before or you don’t really know what to do beyond dinner and the movies? Here are a few ideas to consider:
1. Attend a workshop or masterclass that you’re interested in. If there’s something that you’ve always wanted to learn, sign up for a workshop or masterclass. The cool thing about this option is there are probably some in your city, as well as some that you can find online (like here) that are convenient and affordable.
2. Binge-read at a local coffee shop. Aside from their coziness and oftentimes inviting scents, I once read that a lot of us gravitate to coffee shops because we can be around people without having to actually socialize with them. So, if you want to “hang out” while still being able to enjoy a bit of solitude, take a book that you’ve been trying to finish to a local coffee shop, order your favorite latte, and sit in a big-ass comfy chair. Usually, you can sit there for hours, and the staff will be just fine with it (another bonus).
3. Have a spa day in the next town. You can never go wrong with a spa day. And while going with a friend can be fun, sometimes there’s too much talking transpiring to be able to fully chill out and relax. So, go off of the grid, get a change of scenery, and hit up a spa in the next city (or town). There are lots of studies out here supporting that day trips or “daycations” can actually be really good for your long-term health and well-being.
4. See a community play. Some of the best solo dates that I’ve ever been on consisted of taking in some of the local arts in my city. What’s really cool about this particular option is, oftentimes, they are extremely inexpensive, if not totally free of charge (in exchange for making a donation or putting money into a tip jar).
5. Plan a trip. Whenever people say something along the lines of, “If you don’t expect anything, you won’t be disappointed,” I know that they low-key have some (additional) healing to do from past disappointments. There’s simply too much intel out here to support that anticipation (of good stuff) makes us more motivated and optimistic, keeps our dopamine levels up, and makes life more exciting overall.
Since traveling alone is more cost-effective, gives you the freedom to do whatever you want (when you want), and increases the possibility of meeting new people and having new experiences on your journey — why not devote a day this weekend to planning a solo trip? All the way around, it’s good for you.
6. Try your hand at your own “$200 date.” Uh-huh. Roll your eyes if you want to, but it’s real easy to talk left about how a man should be able to just drop $200 like it’s nothing…until you actually try to do it. So yes, while taking yourself out on this type of date could serve as a bit of a reality check, it can also “scratch the itch” of waiting on some dude to do it for you. It’s also way less emotionally draining because, at least when you’re taking your own self out, it’s guaranteed that you’ll enjoy the company…right?
7. DIY some pampering. When you get a chance, check out “5 Reasons You Should Unapologetically Pamper Yourself,” “Want To Love On Yourself? Try These 10 Things At Home.,” “I’ve Got Some Ways For You To Start Pampering Your Soul,” and “When's The Last Time You Actually Pampered Your Vagina?” The bottom line here is pampering is all about, not mere self-maintenance; it’s all about treating yourself to levels of EXTREME SELF-INDULGENCE. So, if nothing else tickles your fancy on this list, at least consider doing that, chile.
8. Feed your creativity. Something that I used to be really good at is art. That said, one of my goddaughters is insanely talented, so she has reminded me to tap back into it. Also, a big part of what got me into the writing world is poetry; I actually used to be a house poet at a local spot. Sometimes, my best quality time moments with myself have been revisiting these creative sides of me — and this is definitely easier to do (and enjoy) alone.
9. Try some stargazing. When’s the last time you took a blanket into your backyard, laid down on it, and just stared at the stars for hours on end? While some say that stargazing can teach you to be mindful, others say that being in that form of nature reduces stress, while others believe that looking up at the universe at night can increase your attention span. All solid reasons to give it a shot, if you ask me.
10. DO. ABSOLUTELY. NOTHING. Let me tell you something that nobody will ever be able to make me feel bad about: doing absolutely nothing. I’ve got data to back me up. Good Housekeeping shares that doing nothing can help you decide how you want to respond or react to certain things. I like howThe Guardian says that taking this approach helps you to regain control of what you give your attention to.
TIME magazine says that it can ultimately make you more productive.BBC offers up that it can help you tap into your ingenuity.Henry Ford Health says that it can make you kinder and a better problem-solver. So, if you want to invest in yourself, do nothing sometimes.
Closing Thoughts from the Lovely Javicia Leslie
While some of y'all may know Javicia Leslie from being the former Batwoman, I discovered her back in the day from the indie series Chef Julian (and yes, "Julian" was right to say that "Mo" looks like Tatyana Ali...the real ones know). Sometimes I'll hop on her IG to see what she's got going on and this story popped up within a few hours of me penning this...so, I took it as hella confirmation.
TREAT YO SELF. WAIT FOR NO ONE.
WAIT FOR NO ONE. TREAT YO SELF.
RINSE AND REPEAT.
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Sooo…what kind of masturdating plans do you have for this coming weekend? While going out with others has its perks, hanging out with yourself has a ton of ‘em too. Enjoy!
No…for real. ENJOY!
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