Confessions Of A Reformed Sex Addict
Before I begin, let me be clear, I love sex. There's nothing like a man that knows how to make love to your mind as well as your body.
However, while I have memories that I will always cherish, there are memories I honestly wish I could eliminate. The thing is, I knew I was having sex for all the wrong reasons. There were feelings that I didn't want to deal with and I used sex as a way to deal. I wasn't happy with my life, and it was nothing for me to call up one of my "junts" and release those feelings. I quickly learned that I only received a temporary release.
Nothing could take away the thoughts and personal issues I had with myself.
It didn't hit me that I was using sex as a drug until I was damn near going crazy without it.
Like drugs and alcohol, sex can become an addiction when used as a coping mechanism. People who are addicted to sex tend to use sex as a means to avoid stressful problems. Some sex addicts even find relief from boredom, discomfort, anxiety, and depression. I would literally stay up at night, looking at the wall because I quit cold turkey. I needed a break simply because sex wasn't doing it for me anymore; I would have a few sexual highs here and there but I was left with nothing but an empty feeling.
There I was sharing my body with men I didn't give two fucks about, nor see a future with. When I realized I used sex to avoid my feelings, I knew I had to stop.
One can walk a fine line between being addicted to sex and sexual gratification. An individual who is addicted to sex crosses this line without realizing the dangers of doing so. Sexual addiction can destroy not just the life of the addict, but also the lives of the people around them. This addiction can disrupt various aspects of one's life, like their relationships, careers, finances, psychological health, and emotional well-being. The urges related to sexual addiction can spiral from being intense to becoming obsessive. Moreover, the person who is addicted to sex will pursue sexual adventures to the point of no return. Sex addiction cases are more common than many people realize.
Sharing my feelings has never been easy. When I felt disappointed or frustrated, I used sex as a way to express my feelings with the guy I was seeing at the time. Not knowing what I was doing was not only harming myself but harming him as well. I couldn't keep looking at sex as an antidepressant. When I went that year without sex, I found my truth and I finally knew I had to face it. I didn't like where my life was heading. I was looking for any and every way not to deal with problems. I felt left behind. But I wasn't willing to put the work in to change my life either. I was literally waiting for a blessing to fall from the sky, without me working for it. It wasn't until I fell in love that I knew I had to change.
I had to face my demons before I took someone down with me and I knew I didn't want to hurt the love of my life.
So when I took that break from sex, my life changed and I grew a deeper self-control with my needs and body. I learned to go without it, and also to please myself without looking for a man to please me. When I discovered my worth, I had this guilty feeling of all that I'd done. While I didn't sleep with the world, I shared my body with men that didn't deserve me. Men who didn't deserve my spirit or time, let alone my body. For a long time, I felt guilty for my past mistakes and didn't feel like I deserve happiness because of my bad choices. Until I turned it into a blog, and now I'm doing pieces for a woman who deeply inspires me.
I've come to learn that some people used sex to seek that spiritual connection that they must find within themselves first. In this sense, the sex responsible for producing each of us connects us seamlessly with nature, with the whole universe, and with each other.
As I grew to learn about my body, sex is only as powerful for me when I'm laying down with a man I'm in love with.
In the Hindu Kama Sutra and Tibetan Buddhist Tantra traditions, spiritual development involving mastery of sexual energy in the context of mature male-female relationships reveal the possibility of a fruitful merging of sex and spirituality. Instead, we seek so many to please us, because we don't have a clue to how we need to please ourselves. We tend to consider the main purpose of sex as pleasure rather than either procreation or spiritual development. We seem to accept that "anything goes, as long as it does not harm anyone."
We aim for fidelity in pair-bond relationships but acknowledge this more as an ideal than a genuine goal. We just settle for sex because finding that timeless love is hard. However, once we change our thoughts and views on love, we will not only find what we want, but what we need. Peeling back the layers and unearthing the roots of my codependency on sex as drug taught me that.
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ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Rihanna Talks Shedding Expectations And Finding Balance As A Mother
Since becoming a mother in 2022, Rihanna has defined parenthood by her terms and hopes to pass that sense of autonomy on to her children.
For Vogue China’s April cover story, Rihanna shared her perspective on raising her two sons with A$AP Rocky, and how she hopes to preserve her children’s uniqueness, devoid of societal expectations.
"The most beautiful thing...is that [children] come into the world with their own individuality and sincerity, without any logic or conformity,” she told the publication. “Which usually makes you feel that you must fit into a certain group."
The “Work” artist, known for her trendsetting style and captivating persona, expressed her desire to support children in fully embracing their individuality and encouraging them to be whoever they want to be. "It's really beautiful to see and I want to continue to help them navigate that and make sure that they know they can be whoever they want to be,” she says.
She continues, “They should embrace it completely, because it's beautiful, and it's unique. I love them just that way."
From shattering music charts to shaking up the beauty industry, Rihanna has forged a path that has since created the “dream” life we see today. One that she says has made her parents proud of.
“I’m living my dream,” she continued. “My parents were very proud of that because they just wanted me to be happy and successful. So, I think the key thing is to find some kind of balance. Yes, balance is important. Do this and you get the best of both worlds. You can write your own life the way you want, and it will be beautiful. Sometimes, you just need to let go of everyone’s expectations and start living your own story.”
Rihanna, who shares sons, RZA, 23 months, and Riot, 8 months, with rapper A$AP Rocky, recently shared her vision for expanding her family in the future in Interview Magazine.
When stylist Mel Ottenberg asked about the number of additional children she hoped to have, Rihanna replied, "As many as God wants me to have.”
"I don't know what God wants, but I would go for more than two. I would try for my girl,” she adds. “But of course, if it's another boy, it's another boy."
Featured image by Neil MockfordWireImage