How To Deal With A Partner Who's NEVER Wrong
You know that you're click-tight with someone when, you are able to openly and honestly express that their spouse isn't your favorite person on the planet and, still, you and your friend can make your relationship work—and last (check out "I'm Not A Fan Of My BFF's Man - This Is How I Make Our Friendship Work"). When it comes to a particular friend of mine, while her husband does have some good qualities, if there's one thing that drives me, his wife, most of her other friends, and even their therapist totally up the wall is her man has a severe case of I'm-absolutely-never-ever-wrong-itis.
I mean, it's so bad sometimes, you can't have a normal conversation without him feeling the need to Google articles and data to prove the most moot and irrelevant of points. And because he's so adamant about being right all of the time, it has actually caused my friend to consider separating, more than once. That's just how uncomfortable—and sometimes even excruciating—being in a relationship with a bona fide know-it-all can be.
Y'all, I've sat in way too many counseling sessions, and listened to way too many of my other married friends vent about their own partners to know that I'm not the only one who has up-close-and-very-personal encounters with husbands and/or wives who act as if they are never ever wrong. If you can relate because you are that person and/or you are married to one, I'm hoping that this article will offer up some tips that can help you to get, at least, a little bit of relief, so that your marriage can get a little bit more peace.
Accept That the Root of That Is Pride. Or Insecurity.
When you really stop to think about it, it takes a lot of self-confidence and self-awareness to be able to 1) admit when you're wrong, 2) be corrected, and/or 3) hear out an opposing point of view. When someone is able to do these types of things, it means that they are humble, willing to learn and they don't feel threatened by those who may not always or totally agree with them. What this boils down to is, when people can't pull these types of feats off, it's usually an indication that they are the opposite of confident and self-aware. They either function from a space of pure pride or deep-rooted insecurity (which oftentimes are one and the same).
When you really let this reality sink in, it can actually make you feel sorry for someone who acts as if they are never wrong because, at the end of the day, it's not about them being right so much as them fearing being wrong. And Lord, can you just imagine how exhausting it is to function that way? You love your spouse, right? A part of what comes with loving someone is trying to understand where they are coming from. Getting that there is nothing healthy or even beneficial about trying to always be right can bring about a feeling of compassion for them that you probably wouldn't have if you didn't see things from this perspective. Try and look from this scope, if you can.
Avoid Personalizing Their Pride. Or Insecurity.
I work with married couples…a lot.
Something that makes me tip my hat to functional marriages is how they are able to find the balance between becoming one as a union (Genesis 2:24-25) and still maintaining their individuality in the process (Psalm 33:15). A good example of what I mean by that is, it's always dope when a spouse can know when not to own something about their partner that isn't their responsibility and/or when they don't personalize stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with them.
Chances are, if you are married to a know-it-all, it transpired years before you came along. I know some people who are that way because of how they were raised. I know some people who are that way because they are narcissists-in-denial. I know some people who are that way because their job requires that they always be in authority, with little room for error, and so they don't know how to "turn that side of them off" once they step into their own house.
If you're married to someone who believes that they are never wrong, it can only benefit you to do a little pondering about how the "root" created that kind of "tree". Once you can get a better grasp on where all of that stems from, it can help you to better filter how to respond to your partner when they act like they are always right; especially when you know—that you know that you know—that they are not. Plus, it can help you to not feel quite so attacked because you get that when it comes to their pride and/or insecurity, while you're there to help them evolve from it, is not your responsibility to fix. It's totally theirs.
Try to Deactivate Your “Need to Have the Last Word” Trigger
While I'm not a big fan of the ever passive aggressive "OK" that some people like to use whenever they are in a conversation that they feel like they can't win (or they're sick of participating in), I will say that, when you're dealing with someone who feels like they are never wrong, it is important to deactivate a critical trigger—the need to always get the last word in. It reminds me of the quote that is oftentimes credited to Mahatma Gandhi. He once said, "Speak only if it improves upon the silence." While it's important to make your points known, to have your thoughts heard and for your feelings to be conveyed, unfortunately, people who always want to be right tend to care more about talking than listening; they are more into monologues than actual dialogues. This means that, no matter what you say, they are going to try and find something else to say after you. Let them wear themselves out if they want, but after you've "stated your case", use the self-discipline and maturity to be done with the topic. Why? Because, I'm telling you, if there's one thing that people who are never wrong are oftentimes totally stumped by, it's when the person they are trying to prove something to, stops talking—unless they can improve upon the silence.
Present Things in Question Form
Wanna know something that tends to be a signature trait of all know-it-alls? They are defensive AF. There have actually been former clients that I've had to be like, "Yeeeeeah, I'm good. Let's end these sessions" because, no matter what I tried to make them see, they acted like they were in a courtroom rather than a counseling call. Off topic, but not really, if you're a fan of Insecure, that's something that would drive me up the wall about Molly. Because she's a lawyer, she wanted to even argue—or at least take on a defensive tone—with her own therapist. It's exhausting, and ridiculous because, if things were "all good", you wouldn't be sitting on a therapist/counselor/life coach couch in the first place. SMDH.
Rome isn't built in a day. Neither is getting people who think that they are never wrong to a point and place of being able to see that character flaw about themselves. That's why, something that I've learned to do, is present certain things to them in question form more often. Like rather than saying, "You are really disrespectful in the way that you speak to your partner", I'll say something along the lines of, "Do you think how you just said that is disrespectful?" or "What you just said, how would you feel if your partner said it in the same way to you?" By approaching your know-it-all spouse with questions rather than direct statements, that can sometimes help them to lower their guard, be less defensive, and become more open to hearing just where you are coming from.
Get Off of the Eggshells
If you're the spouse who thinks you are never wrong, while this might be hard for you to hear and accept, when it's to the extreme (or you never seem to let up), it's actually a form of bullying. Bullies are aggressive. Bullies don't care to empathize with someone else's feelings, needs or opinions. Bullies try and make the person they are bullying either feel less than or like they must always concede. Yep. A lot of married people are straight-up bullies.
Now, if you're the person who happens to be married to the know-it-all bully, it's also important to keep in mind that you are an adult and they are not your teacher or your parent. While you do love them, there are still certain strategies that you must apply, so that you can remain sane and your marriage can remain stable. First, it's important that even in marriage, you set boundaries. Boundaries are limits. You need to figure out how much of your partner's "never-wrong-ness" you can handle and what you need in order for there to be harmony within the relationship. For instance, when your spouse is wrong, do you need them to apologize? Or, when they want to get on their high horse, do you need them to wait until the two of you get home rather than them choosing to have an all-out debate in public? Maybe what you need is to avoid "never wrong conversations" in the bedroom (so that it doesn't infect your intimacy), or you need to feel like discussions don't have to turn into arguments; that your know-it-all spouse can learn to let things go.
People who are never wrong in their own minds, they automatically function on the side of the extreme because, the reality is that, all of us are wrong at some point or another. And since they are so extreme, if you resolve to constantly walk on eggshells when you're in their presence, not only can that cause you to become super resentful, but it can make them think more and more that they are right—when conclusion is actually dead ass wrong. You deserve to feel at peace in your own house and in your own marriage. Tip-toeing around your know-it-all partner isn't the way to deal with them. Creating and expressing what your boundaries are is. Make sure that you do.
Create a Safe Haven for Them to Be Wrong
This article is actually about to come full circle because, anyone who is so stressed about being right all of the time, that is someone who has to feel vulnerable. A LOT. I say often to my clients that I'm not big on the word "vulnerable" being used in a marital union. Since it means "open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.", that is the last thing that I think a husband and wife should feel in each other's presence. I'm more in the lane of the word "dependent" because it means "relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.". And you know what? In order for your know-it-all spouse to be able to work through their pride and insecurity issues, they need to feel safe in admitting when they are wrong. This is where you can help them with that.
By assuring them, from time to time, that they don't have to perform for you, "win" a debate, or feel more valued only if they are always right, believe it or not, it can actually start to calm them down and become more open to error—and correction.
Emotional safety is critical for the life and longevity of a healthy marriage. Make sure to convey to your partner that them suffocating you with their need to be right is unsafe. At the same time, also let them know that they are in a safe place to be wrong. If the love is real and mutual, in time, the know-it-all can learn how to be more humble and human. They can see that a good marriage doesn't need someone who is never wrong. It requires two people who are willing to do, whatever is needed, to get things right. Which means being wrong sometimes. Hmph. Funny how that works, huh?
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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