

My relationship with relaxers has been a bit of a cryptic one. While I did get my hair permed quite a bit during my adolescence, once I cut my hair short—really short—in college, I transitioned over to a mild texturizer; something that, by the way, is also a relaxer (it's just not as strong). Up until a few years ago, I would go in and out between a texturized TWA (Teeny Weeny Afro) and a completely natural (including no hair dye) Afro.
But a couple of years back, I decided that I wanted a Mohawk and that the top of it be bone straight. So, after years of not having chemically straightened hair, I got a jar of medium-strength white-lye-hair-crack and applied it to my hair. I must admit that the 'hawk was super-duper cute. But it was summertime, so when my head would sweat, the sides would stick out like little porcupine needles. Plus, my scalp started getting lots of flakes and, because I went back to retouching my new growth, my hair was weakening. The long short of it is, while the perm looked good for that particular hairstyle, the maintenance was more of a headache than I remembered. I'm back natural now. Well, under these box braids that I currently have, I am.
I shared that little hair tale because lately, I've been hearing more and more sistahs talk about transitioning out of their natural hair and going back to their relaxed tresses. Although India.Arie did have a very valid point when she sang "I Am Not My Hair", as someone who has done relaxed before and had a few regrets, I just want to make sure that you've really thought bringing it back into your life all the way through.
Have You Researched What’s Actually in Relaxers?
Have you ever read the label on a jar of relaxer before? Don't feel bad if you can only pronounce five of the names. And, well, that's kind of my point. The main chemical in lye relaxers that breaks down the coils of natural hair is sodium hydroxide. No-lye relaxers? They're honestly not much better; they've got lithium hydroxide, potassium hydroxide, calcium hydroxide and/or guanidine hydroxide in them. CNN published an article a few years ago indicating that these types of chemicals have been directly linked to "cancer, hormone disruption, developmental and reproductive damage, and allergies". Something else that might surprise you is there is scientific evidence connected to the fact that relaxers increase the chances of having uterine leiomyomata. And that? That is the technical term for uterine fibroids (crazy, right?).
Even though I've used relaxers before, I must admit that they always gave side-eye, being that children under 12 and pregnant women are advised not to use them. Definitely something to think long and hard about…isn't it? (Another read that's worth your time is "Study Reveals Black Women Exposed to Toxic Chemicals in Hair Products".)
Can Your Budget Handle It?
It's kind of funny—and by "funny", I mean ridiculous—that we make the beauty industry more money than anyone else (if you don't believe me, check out "Black Consumers Spend Nine Times More In Hair & Beauty: Report"), but we don't see nearly enough Black women in print and online ads, commercials and as spokespersons. Just the amount we spend in hair care alone equates to $473 million annually!
Per person? I can't speak for anyone but me, but back when I was going to a professional, it ran me around $65-75 an appointment. If I get a retouch every 6-8 weeks, that's roughly $400-500 a year (and that's just for the relaxer itself!). Not to say that professional protective styles are any cheaper, but at least those don't make you feel like you have to get them after an inch or so of new growth; if money is tight, you can style it yourself or wrap it up.
Relaxers have a way of making you feel like your hair needs to be super straight at all times, and yep, those appointments can really start to add up if you're not careful.
Do You Have the Time?
Speaking of professional appointments, I don't know what's worse—waiting at the doctor's office or in a hair salon. I never really get the point in setting a time if I'm still gonna have to wait an hour or more before even getting started (geeze!). I have spent countless hours that I wish I could get back, just waiting to get my hair done by a professional stylist. So, unless you've got at least three hours to kill every other week (either for a perm or hair maintenance), this is another huge reason to rethink going back to a relaxer.
Have You Checked Out the Other “Alternatives”?
If the more thought that you're giving this, the less you want to go the traditional relaxer route, there are alternatives to consider. You can apply a silicone cream. You can get your hair silk pressed. You can stretch your natural tresses with the banding or threading method. You can try some straight plates. You can do an old-fashioned blow out. There are wigs out here that continue to totally blow my mind (check out a few straight ones here, here and here , or even braided ones here, here and here)!
The awesome thing about all of these suggestions (except perhaps the silicone cream, if you overuse it) is, unlike a relaxer, they are not permanent. If you decide that you want to go back to your natural texture, the alternatives will allow you to do so. (A major plus in my book!)
Bonus point: Whether you want to perm your hair for extra inches or you'd prefer to stretch out your natural tresses, I found a Black chemist with a cool YouTube channel for how to gain length retention from a scientific perspective. Her hair is all the way down her back! Watch a couple of her videos here and here.
Is It a Matter of Personal Preference or Societal Pressure?
I know I'm not the only one who thinks that it's absolutely insane that there even have to be headlines like "California Becomes First State to Ban Discrimination Against Natural Hair" and "New York City to Ban Discrimination Based on Hair". America is something else, boy. It all takes me back to the first time I learned about the history of the tignon law. Anyway, the fact that we're cheering about no longer being "punished" in the workforce for wearing our natural hair in two states shows the very real reality of the pressure that many of us are under to get or keep our hair straight. So yeah, another thing to ask yourself is are you returning to chemically-straightened hair because you simply want to try something new or different, or is it because you're tired of feeling like an activist every day at the office.
Let me just say that if the answer leans more into "B", you should seriously rethink it. Even the Bible describes the Son of Man's hair as being like wool (Revelation 1:14). Warfare comes in many ways.
For all you know, the natural crown that you're rockin' is shaking the very atmosphere that you're in for such a time as this. Yes, it just might be that serious. Black beauty has lots of "truth to power" in it.
Is Being Natural Just a Hairstyle or a Way of Life?
Something that is so dope about a Black woman's hair is it's super versatile. With the right products, knowledge and finessing, there really is no limit to what we can do. But like most things in life, even hair has trends, and some of us are rockin' natural hairstyles because of the amount of popularity it's getting right now. Then there are those of us who find wearing our natural hair to be a spiritual, political and profoundly internal experience and statement. Because of this, we don't really consider changing it; not permanently, anyway.
Me? I know that whenever I've got my 'fro out, that is when people—Black, white or any other ethnicity—end up wanting to have some of the most interesting conversations about culture, history and everything in between. It reminds me that natural hair makes a really powerful statement. For me, I doubt I'll have a lot more relaxer days in my future.
As for you, even if you do decide to perm your hair, you're still amazin'. And if you want to go back to being natural, it's not like you can't cut it and start over. But once you've straightened it, it's straight. For a while. If you've already got some length on it (sidebar—check out sis I found on YouTube; I've never seen so much glorious natural hair on one head in my entire life!), you know what the square one process can be like (ugh).
All I'm saying is, just make sure that putting a relaxer back in is not an impulsive decision because once it's done, it's done. And even though there are some conveniences that come with permed hair, remember that it's still breaking down the bonds of your hair, which means that it is damaging it on some level.
If you're clear on all of this and still good, go for it. At the end of your hair appointment, you're a Black woman so, you're gonna be dope…either way.
Featured image by Unsplash.
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- Why Returning to a Relaxer is Not an Option for Me • EBONY ›
Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by YouTube/xoNecole
Traveling This Summer? These 10 Layover Hacks Will Get You Through.
With the current administration that we have, I’m sure it comes as no surprise that summer travel is in a bit of a slump this year. Still, that doesn’t mean that many folks aren’t going on some kind of trip that requires air travel, and, in order to keep a few extra bucks in their pocket, they are avoiding direct flights. Instead, they are booking ones that require some sort of a layover.
Layover. Although it isn’t exactly “music to our ears” whenever we hear the word, it doesn’t have to be a tremendous burden if you know some tricks of the trade that will make a layover more bearable. Luckily, I’ve got 10 that could actually make this your best year for summer travel yet, y’all!
10 Layover Travel Tips You’ll Be Glad You Know
1. Research Best Layover Airports (Yes, There Is Such a Thing)
If while planning your trip, if it looks like a layover is going to be more than 90 minutes, it never hurts to research the airports that are the most user-friendly as far as layovers are concerned. From what I can see, several studies reveal that George Bush Intercontinental Airport (Houston, Texas) gets a lot of props, thanks to the food options and the amount of frequent flyer miles that you can stack up.
Some other airports that top the list include Detroit Metropolitan Airport, Seattle–Tacoma International Airport and Denver International Airport. If you want to save money on your travel by having a layover, purposely landing in these cities can make the wait much more pleasurable for you.
2. Download Your Airline’s App
Whatever airline you plan on flying on, make sure to download its app before heading to the airport. There are many reasons why this is a solid hack including the fact that:
1) you can check-in and get a mobile boarding pass; 2) you can get real-time travel updates; 3) you can utilize the entertainment options that they have (including the airline’s Wi-Fi); 4) you can see how to best navigate through various airports; 5) you can easily contact their customer service support; 6) you can oftentimes track your checked baggage, and 7) some apps (like Delta) can even help you to store where you parked your car (if you put it in long-term parking) in your smartphone, so that you can easily find it upon your return.
3. Also Download Your Entertainment Beforehand
If you happen to be on a flight that either doesn’t have Wi-Fi or charges for it, you can still enjoy your movies ‘n stuff by downloading them before you leave. This can also come in handy at the airport when their internet access is running hella slow because so many people are accessing it.
4. Choose a (Layover) City Where You Have a Friend
Although I don’t hate to fly, I wouldn’t exactly say that it’s my favorite thing to do. And so, back when I used to fly to South Africa to see some family, it was common for me to stop over in London for a couple of days because it’s the halfway mark for me — and seven hours on a plane is a lot easier to endure than a whopping 14.
That said, if you’re planning on an international trip, you’re not the biggest fan of flying yourself or, again, you want to save a few coins by booking a flight that has a layover or two — why not use this as an opportunity to hang out with a family member or friend in another city? That way, you can get a break from air travel and get in some quality time with them as well.
5. Pack Some of Your Own Snacks
If you’ve ever wondered why airport food is so damn expensive, one of the main reasons is how much it costs for each restaurant to rent their space is completely insane. Plus, there are things like vendors, commission costs and all kinds of other “blah, blahs” that make the mark-ups so crazy. That’s why it can never hurt to bring some snacks along — non-liquid items that you can pack in your carry-on that will get you through your layovers without you breaking the bank in the process.
6. Put an Empty Recyclable Bottle in Your Carry On
Since a lot of airports have water refills stations available, you can stay hydrated while also keeping coins in your pocket by packing an EMPTY recyclable bottle in your carry-on too. Most TSAs will totally allow it. As far as refills on actual drinks, some airports allow those as well (after you purchase one drink from them, of course); never assume, though. Ask before making the purchase.
7. Have a Portable Charger in Tow
Maybe it’s just me but, even though airports seem to be filled with charging stations all over the place, it’s like only half of them actually work (and I’m being gracious on that!). That’s why it’s also a good idea to invest in a portable charger. I don’t know what took me so freakin’ long to get myself one; however, it’s basically my BFF at this point.
The one that I will cosign on is the ANKER Zolo Power Bank, 20,000mAh 30W Max Fast Portable Charger. It charges pretty fast and I’ve been able to get about three full charges on my smartphone before needing to charge the portable one all over again. Such a lifesaver!
8. Get Some Lounge Access
If almost everything about airports gets on your very last nerve, you definitely need to get some airport lounge access. It’s quiet(er); you have lots of room to stretch out; the food and drink that they have to offer is typically free; many lounges have spaces that are designed and designated for children; there are convenient work stations, and some even feature spas and showers (I know, right?).
And just how do you get your hands on all of this? You can do so by flying first or business class, using your frequent flyer miles, presenting your military ID or purchasing a membership or even a day pass access into your airline’s lounge.
9. Cop Some Duty-Free Samples
If you are going on an international flight, make sure to take advantage of the duty-free shops, not just because you are usually able to purchase items from there without paying local taxes but they oftentimes have free samples that you can stock up on as well; this is especially the case when it comes to beauty-related items.
10. Stay over a Night
Since a fair share of my friends are in the entertainment world, they tend to travel a lot. What is always funny to me is how most of them talk about flying to almost every city in the country while only actually visiting a handful of them. My point here? If you are headed one place and you decide to not have a direct flight, if the city where you are having your layover is one that you’ve always been interested in, stay over a night or even two.
You can find some hacks for how to find cheap hotel rooms by checking out “Hot to Get Cheap Hotel Rooms: 20 Tips and Tricks” on Travel Mums’ site.
BONUS: Get an Exit Row Seat
If one of the things that you hate about changing planes is how uncomfortable the flights can be, space wise, ask to be put in an exit row seat. You will automatically have so much more room without having to pay what first class passengers do. Brilliant. Happy (and safe) travels!
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