Y’all, there is one reason and one reason only why I decided to write about this. I mean, I do hair content fairly often, and so it tracks that I would tackle this topic at some point. However, my actual reason for pitching it is because if you happen to be a full-time naturalista like I am, when you’re trying to maintain your own hair’s curl texture and pattern, and you find yourself getting frustrated, it’s important to keep in mind that oftentimes you simply need to combat what oftentimes goes under the radar: FRIZZ.
Since summer is the time of year when the things that cause frizz to happen are very much in full effect, let’s dive into what causes frizzy hair, along with some super effective ways to combat it. That way, you can have fewer “bad hair days,” and you won’t have to rely on protective styles so much of the time (unless, of course, you want to).
What Causes the Annoyance of Frizz to Begin With?
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You know what’s a trip? Because I have finally mastered how to tame my own frizz, I get that a lot of times, whenever we, as Black women, get frustrated with our hair, we think it’s because of our coils when it’s really because frizz is jacking them up; once the frizzing is under control, suddenly all is right with the world.
How can I be so sure? It’s because of the fact that frizz is the reason why our hair cuticles end up not being smooth, and our hair strands end up looking all crazy while being hard to style. And what causes that drama to begin with? Humidity is definitely a top culprit; that’s because when there is moisture in the air, it can cause your cuticles to swell up (just for the record, washing your hair in super-hot water can lead to frizzing because it can cause humidity).
Know what else can cause frizz? Anything that dries out your hair, whether it’s heat styling tools, hair dye, or hair products that end up stripping your hair of the hydration that it needs. Why? Because your hair produces natural oils that help to keep your cuticles smooth, and when those oils are lost, that also can wreak some serious havoc on your cuticles and cause your hair to look frizzy instead of curly.
So, you know what this means, right? If you want to have less frizz and more of your natural curl definition, your hair needs more moisture, less heat, and as little hair manipulation (via styling) as possible. The following 10 things can help you out across the board.
1. Go with a Sulfate-Free Shampoo
Some people think that sulfate shampoo is the devil. I don’t. If you happen to be someone who uses a lot of product on your hair, at some point, you’re gonna need that type of hair cleansing product because it’s able to remove gunk from your tresses like nobody’s business. The key here is to not wash your hair with it all of the time because it really is a lot like detergent is to clothes. Also, definitely follow up with a deeply penetrating deep conditioner (to restore the moisture that was lost). You may also want to go without doing a protein treatment on the days when you use this type of shampoo.
Protein treatments are bomb; however, they tend to be “hard” on your hair enough without sulfates getting into the mix at the same time.
So yeah, outside of trying to clarify your hair, go with a shampoo that is sulfate-free. Something that I’m personally a big fan of is shampoo bars. Etsy has a lot of them that are made with all-natural ingredients. Just go to the site and put “shampoo bars” in the search field to see which ones will meet your hair (and scalp’s) personal needs.
2. Apply a Conditioning Hair Mask on Wash Days
Whenever I write hair articles for the platform, it’s rare when I don’t shout out the importance of deep conditioning; that’s because it’s one of the most effective ways to penetrate your hair shaft with lots of moisture that lasts longer than just a couple of days. What doesn’t get as much attention as it deserves is talking about hair masks.
Kind of look at them like how a mask works for your skin when you’re getting or giving yourself a facial — it’s an extra pampering step that can do your hair strands a ton of good. Hair masks can do everything from strengthening your hair and reducing damage to soften it and help to prevent frizz. Two other cool things about hair masks are they have a way of protecting your tresses from extreme weather conditions, and they can help to promote a healthier scalp as well.
There are plenty of hair mask options that you can buy. Or, if you’re someone who likes to go the DIY route, you can read up on some homemade recipes that you can try here, here, and here.
3. Use Your Fingers for Detangling/Styling As Much As Possible
When it comes to detangling or even styling your hair, be careful how much you comb and brush it. The main reason why is manipulating your locks too much can cause breakage and split ends, and that can cause your hair to frizz up. That’s why it’s always a good idea to use your hands during the detangling and styling process as much as possible. Oh, and when it comes to detangling, it’s imperative that you use a brush that was specifically designed to do just that. Check out The Strategist’s article, “This Kids’ Detangling Brush Cut My Hair Routine in Half,” for a few options to consider.
4. Dry Your Hair Gently
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If one of the things that you struggle with is having a pretty good curl definition when it comes to the middle and ends of your hair, yet not so much as far as your roots are concerned, a part of the reason may be due to how you dry your hair. For one thing, when you’re in the process of towel-drying your locks, the friction from a lot of them can definitely cause your hair frizzing. That’s why it’s always a wise move to go with a microfiber towel; it’s gentle on your hair, hella absorbent, and doesn’t require a lot of “cloth movement” in order for your hair to dry in a good amount of time.
Also, if you’re going to rock a blowout, always use a thermal protectant, go with a blow dryer that doesn’t tend to overheat, and try and let the blow dryer attachment (or your brush or comb) go with your hair’s cuticles in downward strokes (like what you see in this video here); that way, you’re not raising them unnecessarily.
5. Keep a Leave-In Conditioner Handy
Something that has definitely done wonders for my hair is applying a leave-in conditioner on my wash days and also to my ends (since they are the oldest parts of my hair) at night. Even though I do a deep conditioning practice every wash day, pretty much within about five days, my hair is out here looking for more moisture. Something that helps to replenish it is a leave-in conditioner.
I will apply it before my blowouts on my wash days (because I tend to blow out my hair and then keep it braided up to keep it stretched out until the next wash day), and then I will apply some to my ends about every other evening before bedtime. Yeah, definitely, if you want to keep your hair quenched and your ends from splitting, a leave-in conditioner is gonna help to make both of those things happen for you.
6. Try a Blend of Avocado and Sandalwood Oil for Dry Hair
While checking out a blog on things that cause hair to frizz up, something that was mentioned was electrostatic repulsion. Long story short, super dry hair apparently gives off a negative charge, and when the dry strands rub against each other, they can cause flyaways and what appears to look like a lot of frizz. Again, as someone whose hair can’t get enough moisture, I’m constantly on the quest to find things that will keep it hydrated, in part, to keep frizz from becoming an issue. One combo that works well is avocado oil and sandalwood oil.
Avocado oil is great for dry hair because it contains magnesium and biotin (to strengthen your hair), it has properties that will add sheen, it will help to define your curls, and it definitely reduces dryness (to your scalp included). Sandalwood is effective because not only does it help you to grow longer hair, but it also helps to keep your ends from drying out — and since, again, your ends are always going to be the oldest parts of your hair, that is definitely a win.
I like to mix two tablespoons of avocado with a few drops of sandalwood essential oil, heat it up, and apply it as a hot oil treatment on wash days from time to time. It's also pretty bomb if you want to use a small amount as a massage oil for your scalp; since avocado oil isn’t super greasy, you don’t have to worry a lot about residue or build-up.
7. Experiment with Moroccan Argan Oil to Smooth Your Cuticles
Argan oil is something that my hair has never really been able to gel very well with. I wish it did, though, because I am constantly seeing articles like Vogue’s “Why Argan Oil Is Considered 'The Liquid Gold' of Hair Care.” Aside from the fact that it’s loaded with vitamins D and E, argan oil contains anti-inflammatory properties and helps to treat dandruff and dry scalp (which aren’t the same thing; check out “Stop Scratching: The Differences Between Dandruff And Dry Scalp;” deeply hydrates; helps to increase elasticity, and it also reduces the chances of your hair developing split ends and breaking off — all of which play a solid role in keeping hair frizz at bay.
8. Honey Can Seal Your Hair Shaft
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I grew up with honey always being in the house, so it’s not like I’m not a fan. Oh, but when I found out that it’s the one food that never expires, it got my respect on a whole ‘nother level, chile. When it comes to your hair, specifically, honey is awesome because it contains properties that promote hair growth, reduce breakage, deeply condition, gently yet effectively cleanse your scalp, and add shine to it, too. Since honey is also a humectant, if your hair is naturally dry, it can keep moisture in your hair longer so that you can keep the curl definition in your hair from frizzing up on you.
One of the best ways to get the most out of honey is to mix a tablespoon (or two) of it with a half-cup of carrier oil like jojoba (it’s a hair strengthener), sweet almond (it’s a moisturizer that won’t leave much build-up) or argan (it’s filled with antioxidants). Zap it in the microwave for 10-15 seconds, apply it to clean and damp hair for 20-30 minutes; then thoroughly rinse with warm water followed by cool water (to seal your cuticles). You should actually notice an immediate difference in the quality of how your hair both looks and feels if you do.
9. Don’t Be Afraid of Hair Serums
Something that I didn’t get into until far too late (in my opinion) is hair serums. Because they tend to be such a polarizing topic, I always thought that they would harden my already naturally dry hair too much to give them a shot. What I have learned is that the key to hair serum success is to take the “less is more” and/or “a little bit goes a long way” approach to them.
When you do that, hair serums can be pretty wonderful for your hair because they contain ingredients that help to boost shine and add definition and, thanks to the silicone that’s in a lot of them, serums are also able to smooth out your cuticles so that you experience less frizz. If you’d like to experiment a bit with hair serums, check out Byrdie’s “The 12 Best Hair Serums That Yield Transformative Results” to see if any of those are able to pique your interest.
10. Keep Those Ends Trimmed
Bad ends are ultimately gonna ruin your hair shaft (because when they split, they don’t stop, they just keep moving upwards). If that isn’t enough of a reason to keep them trimmed, when your ends aren’t even, that’s another reason why your hair may look like it’s frizzing up. Bottom line here — keep your ends trimmed. No one is saying that every six weeks is a cardinal rule.
Just make sure to check your ends on your wash days and, if you notice that they look straggly, feel rougher than the rest of your hair or you have some split ones, at the very least, dust them (check out “Your Ends Are How You Get Length. 10 Things They Desperately Need.” for more on that.). The health of your hair will thank you. Your hair goals will thank you. Frizz will hate you — and that’s a good thing. LOL.
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RELATED
Let me start this off by saying that of course, to a certain extent, the answer is subjective because it’s mostly opinion-rather-than-fact driven. However, I personally think that sex is hella impactful, which is why I hope that my personal breakdown will at least cause you to want to think about what you do, who you do it with, and why, more than you may have in the past.
Because although, at the end of the day, the physical aspects of making love, having sex, and f-cking are very similar, you’d be amazed by how drastically different they are in other ways…at the very same time.
Making Love
GiphyBack when I wrote my first book, I wasn’t even 30 at the time and still, one of the things that I said in it is, I pretty much can’t stand the term “make love.” Way back then, I stated that sex between two people who truly love each other and are committed for the long haul, when it comes to what they do in the bedroom, it’s so much more about CELEBRATING love than MAKING it. To make means “to produce” or “to bring into existence;” to celebrate means “to commemorate,” “to perform” or “to have or participate in a party, drinking spree, or uninhibited good time.”
The act of sex, standing alone? It can’t make love happen and honestly, believing otherwise is how a lot of people find themselves getting…got.
What do I mean? Tell me how in the world, you meet a guy, talk to him for a few weeks, don’t even know his middle name or where he was born and yet somehow, you choose to call the first time you have sex with him (under those conditions) “making love.” You don’t love him. You don’t know him well enough to love him. He doesn’t love you either (for the same reason). And yet you’re making love? How sway? Oh, but let that sex be bomb and those oxytocin highs might have you tempted to think that’s what’s happening — and that is emotionally dangerous. And yes, I mean, literally.
If I’ve said it once, I’ve said it a thousand times before, that one of the reasons why I like that the Bible defines sex between a husband and his wife is by using the word “know” (Genesis 4:1) is because, well, I think that is what celebrating love is all about — we know each other well enough to know that we love each other, we know each other well enough to know that we aren’t going anywhere, and that knowing is what makes us want to celebrate that union by getting as close to one another and bringing as much physical pleasure to each other as we possibly can…as often as absolutely possible.
To me, that is what the peak of physical intimacy is all about — and the people who choose to use the term “make love,” it should be seen through this type of lens. When this type of mental and emotional bond comes together via each other’s bodies, they are amplifying love, enjoying love, embracing love.
Making it, though? Chile, the love has already been made. Sex is just the icing on the cake.
Having Sex
GiphyA few nights ago, I found myself rewatching this movie called Four of Hearts (which you can currently view on yep, you guessed it: Tubi). It’s about two married couples — one that is in an open marriage and another that isn’t although they somehow thought that sharing a night with the other couple would be a good idea (chile). Anyway, as one of the partners found themselves getting low-key sprung, the one they fell for said in one of the scenes, “It wasn’t a connection. It was just sex.” JUST. SEX.
Listen, when you decide to let a man put an entire part of his body inside of you at the risk of potentially getting an STI/STD or pregnant (because no form of birth control is 100 percent except for abstinence), it can never be “just sex” (somebody really needed to hear that too). At the same time, though, I got the character’s point because, if one or both people do not love each other or even deeply care for one another and/or sex is treated as an activity more than an act to establish a worthwhile connection and/or you and the person you are sleeping with have not really discussed what you are expecting from sex besides the act itself — you’re definitely not making/celebrating love.
Not by a long shot. What can make things get a bit complicated, though, is you’re doing the same act that “love makers” do without the same mental and emotional ties…or (sometimes) expectations.
You know, back when I decided to put all of my business out there via the piece “14 Lessons I've Learned From 14 Sex Partners,” now more than ever, I am quite clear that most of those guys fell into the “having sex” category. I wasn’t in the type of relationship with them where “making love” even made sense; however, because I was friends with most of them, we weren’t exactly f-cking (which I will get to in just a moment) either. We had a connection of some sort for the bedroom yet not enough to be together in the other rooms of the house.
We were really attracted and curious, so we decided to act on that. Oftentimes, the sex was good and so we rationalized that “having sex” was enough because if the friendship was, eh, “sound enough”, that we could justify the physical pleasure.
And y’all, that’s kind of what having sex is — it’s the limbo (or purgatory, depending on your situation) between making love and f-cking. The thing about limbo ish is it’s a lot like something being lukewarm: it’s not really one thing or another which means that it can completely blindside you, if you’re not careful (and totally honest with yourself as well as your partner(s)).
So, if you are contemplating having sex, I really — REALLY — recommend that you figure out how you feel, what you want (outside of the act itself) and if you are prepared for what “not quites” can bring. My mother used to say that the consequences of sex don’t change just because the circumstances do — and there is some solid “wow” to that, if you really stop to think about it.
GiphyAnd finally, f-ck. Although most experts on the word (and yes, there are some) agree that its origin is rooted somewhere within the German language (although some say that it might’ve come from Middle English words like fyke or fike which mean “to move about restlessly” or the Norwegian word fukka which means “to copulate”), you might have also heard that it is an acronym that once stood for “Fornication Under Consent of the King”; and there is actually some data that is connected to that as well.
Legend has it that way back in the day, in order to keep reproduction rates where a particular king wanted them to be, he would instruct his residents to have sex with each other — whether they were married or not (hence, the word “fornication” being in the acronym). However, because sex outside of marriage was taken far more seriously at the time, residents had to apply for a permit to participate so that the king could determine if things like their occupation and lineage would prove to be beneficial for the kingdom overall. F-ck: no love; just necessity. And although some believe this to be more myth than fact, what is certain is it was only over time that f-ck was seen as a profane/swear/cuss word — a word that was perceived to be so offensive, in fact, that between the years 1795-1965, it didn’t even appear in dictionaries.
Personally, when I think of this four-letter word, the first thing that actually comes to my mind is animals. Take a dog being in heat, for instance. That’s basically when a female dog is ovulating and wants to have sex the most. It’s not because they are “in love” with another dog; they are simply doing what instinctively comes to them — and since animals do not reason or feel at the same capacity that humans do, although they science says that many of them do experience pleasure when they engage in their version of sexual activity, it’s not nearly as layered or even profound as what we experience.
Let’s keep going. Another reason why f-cking makes me think of animals is due to the doggy style position. Hear me out. Ain’t it wild how, most of us pretty much know that the term comes from how dogs have sex, even though most animals have sex that same way — and think about it: Doggy style doesn’t consist of making eye contact or kissing while having intercourse. It’s “hitting from behind” without much emotional energy or effort at all. Just how animals do it. And so, yeah, f-cking does seem to be more about pure animal — or in our case, mammal — instinct. I don’t need to feel anything for someone, so long as the sexual desire is there. Hmph.
Something else that I find to be interesting about f-cking is how dictionaries choose to define it. Many of them are going to provide you with two definitions: “to have sexual intercourse with” and “to treat unfairly or harshly (usually followed by over)” and that definitely makes me think of another term — casual sex and words that define casual like apathetic, careless and without serious or definite intention. So, the dictionary says that while f-cking is about having sexual intercourse — just like making love and having sex is — it goes a step further and says that it can include being treated unfairly or harshly.
And although that can make you think of assault on the surface, for sure — sometimes being treated unfairly or harshly is simply feeling like someone had sex AT you and not really WITH you; instinct (i.e., getting off) and that’s about it. Yeah, the way this puzzle is coming together, f-cking seems to be more about lust and self and not much else.
Now That You Know the Difference, What to Keep in Mind
Y’all, this is definitely the kind of topic that I could expound on until each and every cow comes home. That said, here’s hoping that I provided enough perspective on each act to close this out by encouraging you to keep the following three things to keep in mind:
1. Before you engage in copulation, be honest with yourself about what you’re ACTUALLY doing — and that your partner agrees with you. You know, they say that our brain is our biggest sex organ and honestly, breaking down the differences between making love, having sex and f-cking helps to prove that fact. I say that because, although the sex act itself is pretty much the same across the board, you and your partner’s mindset can make the experience completely different. That said, if you think that you are making love and they think y’all are just having sex — stuff can get pretty dicey. Bottom line: communicate in the bedroom before attempting to connect outside of it. It’s always worth it when you do.
2. Yes, you can feel one way and do something else. I can just about guess what some of y’all are on: Shellie, we can love our partner and still just want to f-ck. If what you are saying is you can emotionally love someone and physically lust them and want to act sometimes on the lust without really factoring in the love — yes, I agree. Doggy style continues to be a favorite sex position for people, in general, and I’m more than confident that many of the participants polled are in a serious relationship. However, having lust-filled sex with someone who you know loves you is vastly different than doing it with someone who you have no clue what they think about you or you barely know at all. Y’all, please just make sure that you know…what you should know. Sex is too amazing to have a lot of regret after it.
3. Have realistic expectations about sex. Listen, so much of my life consists of writing and talking about sex that I will be the first one to say that it deserves a ton of props for what it is able to do, in a wonderful way, for people mentally, emotionally and physically. Yet again, I’m not a fan of “make love” because something that feels really good doesn’t always mean that it is good for you. Meaning, you’ve got to be real about what sex with someone will do to your mind and spirit — not just what it will do for your body. An author by the name of Gabriel García Márquez once said, “Sex is the consolation you have when you can't have love.” For no one, should this be a constant norm. Feel me? I hope you do.
____
One act. Three very different experiences.
It’s kind of wild that sex has the ability to create that — and yet, clearly, it does.
Please just make sure that you know which experience you’re signing up for.
So that you’re having sex (you know, in general) instead of sex having you. Real talk.
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