

When it comes to us and our hair, if there are two things that I wish could be retired and thrown in the back of the dumpster, never to return, is the term "good hair" (what in the world?!) and the misconception that we can't grow our hair, just as long as other ethnicities do. It's not that our natural crowns aren't glorious or that we can't gain inches, right along with the best of 'em; it's that, because our hair is a different texture, when it comes to hair care and maintenance, we simply have to take a different approach. Otherwise, we could end up with breakage and never reach our ultimate hair goals.
On the hair tip, that's what we're gonna tackle today. 10 reasons why a lot of us experience more breakage than we ever should, along with some food for thought on how to avoid it in the future, so that we can come to love every inch of the GOOD HAIR that God has richly blessed us with.
BREAKAGE CAUSE #1: You’re Not Aware of Your Hair Type
When it came to me figuring out this hair of mine, probably what kept me from gaining inches the most was not knowing exactly what my hair type is. It's kind of a long story but basically, our hair ranges from straight (type 1) to super curly (type 4). Aside from whatever number your hair is, it also consists of the letters A, B or C (because there are different levels of curly within each curl pattern). Knowing what your hair type is helps you to determine what kind of products and overall hair care approach that you need to take; in part, because the straighter your hair is, the easier it is for the natural oils from your scalp to go down your hair shaft and moisturize your tresses. The curlier it is, the more difficult it is for the oils to move about; not compensating for that can lead to dryness and brittleness, if you're not careful.
When it comes to figuring out what your hair type is, a lot of people figured theirs out via what is known as "the water test" (check it out here). You can also take a hair type quiz (do that here). I've also got an overall video breakdown for you to learn more about your hair here.
BREAKAGE CAUSE #2: You’re Not Deep Conditioning Your Hair
Personally, unless I'm trying to get rid of a ton of product in my hair (which isn't often because I typically don't use much), I don't use a shampoo that has sulfates in it. Sulfates are a lot like a detergent and, if you apply them too much to your locks, they can end up drying your hair out. A sulfate-free shampoo is much gentler. But whether you go with a sulfate or non-sulfate shampoo or not, it's always important to follow washing your hair up with a conditioner.
Honestly, something that I used to really underestimate is how important it is to do more than just leave a regular ole' conditioner on my head for a couple of minutes. What I mean by that is, my hair actually started getting a lot softer and more manageable once I made a point to deep condition it. Doing that gives your hair more elasticity, more moisture and even more sheen.
What I personally do is mix some Chebe powder into a rich conditioner (one that I've recently been really enjoying is Tropic Isle Living's Strong Roots Red Pimento Conditioner; its growth oil is actually pretty bomb too). I apply it to my hair and let it sit for a couple of hours (sometimes overnight if I've really got time). Once I rinse it out (with lukewarm water; hot can also dry out your hair), my locks are super soft and actually remained that way until my next wash day (which, on average, is 10 days later). Yeah, never skip the deep conditioning step. Your hair won't be nearly as healthy as it could/should be, if you do.
BREAKAGE CAUSE #3: You’re Not Dusting Your Ends
While it is sho 'nuf a myth that trimming your hair makes your hair grow faster, if you do make a point to get rid of your raggedy ends, that can help to keep split ends away. Know what else? It can also reduce the amount of snagging that happens when you comb or brush your hair due to the tangles and fairy knots that can happen when your ends aren't trimmed enough. While I personally think that the "every 4-6 weeks rule" for trimming your hair depends on how well you care for it, dusting your ends that often can be a really good idea. Dusting is when you simply trim a very little bit of your hair; so little, in fact that, so long as you've got a good pair of shears (dull ones can also snag your ends), you can dust your ends yourself. For tips on how to do that, check out this video.
BREAKAGE CAUSE #4: You’re Not Using a Thermal Heat Protectant
In the article, "Top To Bottom: 10 Tips To Strengthen Your Hair Follicles & Protect Your Ends", I talked about how you should towel and blow dry your hair. I also lightly touched on the importance of applying a thermal heat protectant, but I want to go into a little bit more detail about why it's also such a smart thing to do. Back before I was using it, sometimes I would notice that my hair was frizzy or that I'd have an increased amount of split ends. Basically, what thermal heat protectant does is seal in the moisture that your hair needs while smoothing your cuticles so that the heat from your styling tools doesn't zap out your moisture which can lead to dryness, frizzing and breakage. A heads up—if you've got thick hair like I do, it's best to go with a cream-base thermal heat protectant than a spray. Otherwise, your tresses may laugh at the product and still you could still end up with all of the frizz that you're trying your best to avoid.
BREAKAGE CAUSE #5: You’re Dyeing Your Hair Too Much (or the Wrong Way)
Back in the day, I used to change my hair color, just about as much as I changed my clothes. But now that I care more about the health of my hair (and my health overall) than the hue, I don't do it as much. I also avoid permanent hair dyes and stick to rinses (because they are far less damaging) or hair wax for fun. Still, if you're someone who likes to go the more permanent route, while some people seem to have no problem with using box brands of dye, in order to get the results that you want with less breakage, I recommend going to a beauty supply store and selecting a color and developer and mixing the two. Anyway, the bottom line here is that dye swells up your cuticles (especially when you choose to go lighter due to the peroxide that's in it) which can definitely lead to dryness, damage and hair breakage over time. That's why it's important that you always deep condition color-treated hair, that you don't touch up your roots less than every 4-6 weeks (longer, if you can stand it) and that you follow all directions when applying to dye.
Side note, real talk, I really think it's smarter to go to a professional stylist if you've got length that you want to keep. But if not, make sure to baby your hair as much as possible. Dyed hair is mad fragile and needs all of the TLC that it can get.
BREAKAGE CAUSE #6: You’re Overstretching Your Locks
This might be the "something new for the day" revelation for some of y'all. Oftentimes, when you hear people offer up no-nos when it comes to blow-outs and flat ironing, heat is the reason. But did you know that there is actually such a thing as overstretching your own hair?
Word on the street is, if we constantly stretch our natural curl pattern beyond 30-35 percent, it can start to damage our hair's cuticles over time and ultimately lead to breakage. This is something to keep in mind if you're someone with natural hair who is constantly doing whatever you can to stretch your locks out and reduce shrinkage.
Oh, and when you do decide to stretch your hair (whether it's blow drying, braiding or even threading), make sure not to do it when your locks are wet; it's super fragile in that state and you could definitely cause breakage. It's best to stretch your hair after it has air-dried about 70 percent. That way, it will be strong—and still flexible—enough to handle your stretching techniques (so long as you use them sparingly).
BREAKAGE CAUSE #7: You’re Always Styling Your Hair the Same Way
Tension is something that our hair, especially the roots of it, do not need. But whenever we settle on a fly hairstyle that we just can't seem to get enough of, that is oftentimes just what our hair follicles have to put up with. Something that I personally like to do is wrap my hair up in a bandana and put a knot in the front. It's cute and y'all can't tell me nothing, but I had to start switching things up a bit when I realized that I was experiencing a bit of breakage, right where the knot would go. Black hair is dope because it's versatile as all get out. Reduce breakage possibilities by changing up your look, at least a couple of times each week.
BREAKAGE CAUSE #8: You’re Not Drinking Enough Water
Not too long ago, I wrote an article for the site about the oftentimes overlooked signs of being dehydrated. While I did happen to mention dry skin, what I didn't talk about is dry hair. The reality is, no matter how many moisturizing products that you may put on top of your tresses, it's not gonna matter much if your system isn't getting enough water too. Matter of fact, what a lot of people don't realize is when you're not drinking enough water, your hair can end up becoming dry and frizzy because your scalp is parched and your hair follicles aren't getting enough fluids to properly disperse the vitamins and nutrients that they need in order for your locks to thrive. So, if you're not a huge water lover but you definitely want longer hair by the new year, perhaps this point is what will inspire you to take a few more glasses in, on a daily basis.
BREAKAGE CAUSE #9: You’re Not Tying Your Hair Up at Night
Friction is nobody's hair's friend. Yet when you're tossing and turning around in bed, for 5-9 hours every night, that can literally wear your hair out and ultimately result in breakage. That's why it's so important to make sure that you tie your hair up at night with either a silk or satin scarf or bonnet (you can check out a DIY bonnet video here). While we're here, it's also a good idea to give your hair a break from bobby pins, barrettes, clips, etc. First, dab some oil onto the ends of your hair and then either braid or twist your hair or put it up into a pineapple. The oil will prevent your hair from losing extra moisture while you sleep and the braids, twists or pineapple will help to keep your ends from taking a real beating (from all of your moving around) at night.
10. Your Diet Sucks
Your hair follicles need nutrients, just as much as the rest of your body does. When you want to keep your hair moisturized, so that it breaks less, it's important to consume the kinds of foods that will give your hair the moisture that it needs. In walks the article, "These Foods Will Give Your Skin & Hair The Moisture They Crave". When you get a chance, check those out. Also, try and avoid eating a lot of the foods that are literally bad for your hair. For starters, sugar is bad for your locks because your hair is made up of mostly protein (keratin); when you've got a lot of sugar in your system, that can prevent your body from absorbing all of the protein that it needs. This means that white starches pretty much suck too because they turn into sugar whenever we eat them. Oh, and try and limit your consumption of alcohol while you're at it. A nutrient that your hair needs in order to thrive is zinc and, while alcoholic drinks like red wine have lots of health benefits, a not-so-good thing that they can do is slow down how zinc is processed in your system; plus alcohol can also dehydrate you which, we already discussed can wreak all kinds of havoc on your hair.
Yeah, this was kind of a lot. No one said that growing long beautiful hair was exactly easy, but best believe it is very possible. Start with setting hair goals and avoiding breakage-causing patterns. Then watch how your hair shows out on you, in the best ways possible, once you do!
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
'He Said, She Said': Love Stories Put To The Test At A Weekend For Love
At the A Weekend For Love retreat, we sat down with four couples to explore their love stories in a playful but revealing way with #HeSaidSheSaid. From first encounters to life-changing moments, we tested their memories to see if their versions of events aligned—because, as they say, every story has three sides: his, hers, and the truth.
Do these couples remember their love stories the same way? Press play to find out.
Episode 1: Indira & Desmond – Love Across the Miles
They say distance makes the heart grow fonder, but for Indira & Desmond, love made it stronger. Every mile apart deepened their bond, reinforcing the unshakable foundation of their relationship. From their first "I love you" to the moment they knew they had found home in each other, their journey is a beautiful testament to the endurance of true love.
Episode 2: Jay & Tia – A Love Story Straight Out of a Rom-Com
If Hollywood is looking for its next Black love story, they need to take notes from Jay & Tia. Their journey—from an awkward first date to navigating careers, parenthood, and personal growth—proves that love is not just about romance but also resilience. Their story is full of laughter, challenges, and, most importantly, a love that stands the test of time.
Episode 3: Larencia & Mykel – Through the Highs and Lows
A date night with police helicopters overhead? Now that’s a story! Larencia & Mykel have faced unexpected surprises, major life changes, and 14 years of choosing each other every single day. But after all this time, do they actually remember things the same way? Their episode is sure to bring some eye-opening revelations and a lot of laughs.
Episode 4: Soy & Osei – A Love Aligned in Purpose
From a chance meeting at the front door to 15 years of unwavering love, faith, and growth, Soy & Osei prove that when two souls are aligned in love and purpose, nothing can shake their foundation. Their journey is a powerful reminder that true love is built on mutual support, shared values, and a deep connection that only strengthens with time.
Each of these couples has a unique and inspiring story to tell, but do their memories match up? Watch #HeSaidSheSaid to find out!
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Relationships Shouldn't Be 'Hard Work.' They Should Be Maintenance.
Gross generalizations. Boy, if there’s one thing that social media is good for (other than acting like an opinion is a bona fide fact — SMDH), it’s speaking in gross generalizations. Take some commentary that I recently checked out by a male married influencer (name unnecessary). Although there is quite a bit of his content and perspectives that I appreciate, I did roll my eyes as I watched him share his thoughts on a post by a single woman who was giving relationship advice.
In response, there was something he said that was indeed a gross generalization (and opinion not fact): “Never listen to single women talk about relationships. They’re single.”
I’ve never been married before (which is how I personally define single), so did that trigger me? Eh. Trigger isn’t the right word (check out “Single Women: Yes, You Are Qualified To Talk About Relationships”); more like, it reminded me of how tired I am of, again, shallow and gross generalizations. You see, I’ve been a marriage life coach, successfully so, for over 20 years now and I’m even super proud to say that I’ve been able to help to reconcile a few divorces along the way — something that I don’t personally know any therapist, counselor or life coach, married or not, to have done. You see, when you have a purpose, are committed to it, and take evolving in it seriously, “status” and people’s opinions don’t hinder it.
Hmph, if anything, let me tell it, folks should applaud singles who respect marriage enough to not want to just…do it…just to be doing it. Besides, as I oftentimes say, with the divorce rate what it is (still holding at around 50 percent, by the way), seems like even married people (and a lot of divorced folks) are out here “crap shooting” when it comes to providing insights on how to make a marriage work and last — in a healthy way (which is key) too.
And just what does all of this possibly have to do with today’s topic? Well, because life is full of cynical people (chile, I am well aware), if anything has the potential to rub some folks the wrong way it would be what we’re about to touch on — at least, on the onset. Because what’s a very popular saying out in these internet streets: “Relationships, especially marriage, are hard work,” right? And here I come, with my single self, pushing back on that — AND I AM.
And you know what? Due to a philosophy that I both have and implement into my coaching, I have seen many married couples shift from “hard work” to marital maintenance. And a big part of it has been because we have worked through the following seven points — and that has altered, shoot, everything.
Are you ready to hear why this single woman believes what she does about the whole “It really doesn’t have to be grueling” thing?
Let’s proceed.
Toiling vs. Maintenance. Let’s Discuss.
The first time that I recall being introduced to the word “toil,” was in the Bible, after God gave Adam and Eve their consequences for what went down at the tree. Eve was told that she would submit to her husband and experience pain during labor and Adam was told that he would have to toil for his provision (Adam was to toil not Eve — some of y’all will catch that later — Genesis 3:14-21).
Toil is a rough word. It means “hard and continuous work” and “exhausting labor or effort.” Some synonyms for toil include exertion, pains, sweat, drudgery, and strain. As a result of Adam and the Woman (Eve’s name prior to sin — Genesis 2:18-25), Adam was going to have to work hard, continuously so, to meet a lot of his and his family’s needs. Toiling was the result of not listening. Bookmark that.
When it comes to relationships being hard work, while there are definitely seasons when a couple will have to put in more sweat (and tears) equity to get through more than others (because some seasons throw more stress and curveballs than others), if they constantly feel like their union is a form of toiling? Something is definitely up — and not in a good way.
Personally, I liken relationships to starting a garden: although, in the beginning, you may have to put in a lot to prepare the soil, remove the rocks, fertilize, plant, etc., once you get your groove and you make it a point to care for your garden on a daily basis, then it transitions into mere maintenance:
Maintenance: the act of maintaining; means of upkeep, support, or subsistence; livelihood
Maintain: to keep in existence or continuance; preserve; retain; to keep in an appropriate condition, operation, or force; keep unimpaired; to keep in a specified state, position, etc.; to affirm; assert; declare; to support in speech or argument, as a statement or proposition; to keep or hold against attack; to provide for the upkeep or support of; carry the expenses of; to sustain or support
Synonyms: cultivate (that’s a good one); manage; guard; renew; repair; supply; protect; provide; retain; uphold; persevere; advocate; hold; insist; stand by
Toiling (hard work) vs. maintenance (to keep in existence) — do you see how, while they both certainly require effort, one is way more straining and stress-filled than the other? And do you also get a bit more of why I am a firm believer that if folks are willing to “maintain their relationship garden,” expressing on-loop about how hard things are, that simply doesn’t have to be the case?
So, what causes so many folks to believe that relationships are more like toiling instead of maintenance? Good question.
1. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not with the Right Person
There is a divorced woman and an engaged man who I find myself being like, “Naw, that’s not everyone; that’s YOU” whenever they tell me or I hear them tell other people about how hard marriage is. The divorced woman?
To this day, I definitely will stand by the fact that she had one of the most unhealthy marriages that I had ever witnessed and a big part of it was because she ignored rows of red flags before saying “I do” — his totally dysfunctional relationship with his mother; his very odd views on religion and race; the fact that he didn’t have many friends (and that he was low-key disrespectful to hers); how selfish and controlling he was (and still is); his very shallow views on therapy…oh, I could go on and on.
She married him anyway and so, what did she think was going to happen? That her marriage was going to be easy street? With a man like that?
As far as the engaged guy goes, I don’t think I’ve seen him and his fiancée go 10 days without some kind of a drag-out argument. He is constantly wanting to feel respected and she is constantly feeling unheard. He has been married before and felt the same way in his other relationship. And so, when he says that relationships are hard work — sir, you keep picking the same kind of person over and over again. Not getting a lesson in life and repeating it until you do? Yep, that is hard work.
And that’s why the first thing that must be addressed when it comes to “hard work relationships” is if you’re with someone who really isn’t your best fit — because…have you ever tried to put a puzzle piece into a spot where it doesn’t belong? That is indeed some hard work. On the other hand, when it goes where it was designed to, it slides in with ease.
I could go on and on about this point; however, I think y’all get the gist. Plus, there is more ground to cover, so let’s continue…
2. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Don’t Put in Daily Intentional Effort
If someone were to ask you how much time, on average, couples spend together on a daily basis, what would you say? If you have no clue, let me give you a hint: it’s the same amount of time that most people also spend on social media: 2.5 hours. This literally means that folks are out here prioritizing their relationship in the same way that they do their Instagram account — and that is a damn shame.
When it comes to relationships, one of my favorite quotes is, “People change and forget to tell each other.” And this is probably the reason why a lot of individuals, when asked why their relationship ended, will simply shrug and say, “We just grew apart.” Did you — or did you not put in daily effort to maintain — guard, renew, supply, uphold, and manage — your relationship? Because really, if you’ve got 24 hours in a day, 168 hours in a week, and roughly 720 hours in a month (depending on how many days are in said month) and only a tiny bit of that time is spent on your relationship, how could trying to play catch-up not feel like hard work to you?
While growing up, I would go to visit my dad and great-grandparents in Dallas every summer. A memory that I have is my great-grandfather watering the lawn, every evening, like clockwork. He had the best lawn on the block too. He wasn’t sweating and struggling while he was out there with his water hose. That man would sit in a lawn chair and kick right on back — because he was maintaining his yard…daily.
If a lot of couples were honest, they would admit that they put more time into, shoot, everything else BUT their relationship — and that’s why it feels like hard work so much. If that’s you, devote that social media time to your bae. See how much it improves and enhances your dynamic when you do. It just might surprise you.
3. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’ve Got a Toxic “Support System”
Wanna know something that really makes a relationship hard? Having moments of struggle and having family members and friends who only have negative things to say. This is another reason why it amazes me that folks think that single people are automatically relationally problematic to married folks (as far as advice and insight go) when my clients tell me that it’s mostly MARRIED AND DIVORCED INDIVIDUALS who they get some of the worst advice from as far as how they should handle their “valley situations.”
Whew, there is nothing like someone claiming to tell you that they are looking out for you when really, they are just projecting their own toxic mess onto you — and that happens…a lot. And when you don’t have people around who are fans of marriage and advocates of yours (not either or…both), when you need someone to lean on, pray for you, offer insight that will “get you to the other side” and no one’s around — of course, that can make your relationship feel like really hard work. Of course, you are going to toil.
Right now, I have a friend who is going through one of the hardest times in her marriage. Guess who she’s talking to a lot? Me. Why? “I know that you will never encourage me to leave my husband,” she has said — and she’s right. Meanwhile, she’s got some married people who are talking about what they wouldn’t put up with or tolerate. This man isn’t abusing my friend. They are simply having a challenging time. It happens. What she needs is the kind of support that is going to “fuel her” through this part of her journey — not a group of folks who bring new meaning to misery loves company (online or off, by the way).
Yeah, surrounding yourself with poison when you are going through a relationship trial? That can definitely make marriage feel like it’s really, really hard work.
4. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You Fail to Take Accountability
Ever notice that when people talk about why their marriage failed, 8.5 times out of 10, they will go on and on about what their former spouse did or didn’t do and yet will say absolutely nothing about what they could’ve/should’ve done better?
That’s called not taking personal accountability and it actually helps to explain why the divorce rate significantly increases with second (67 percent) and third (73 percent) marriages — people are so busy thinking that someone else is the problem and so all they need to do is “push reset” with a new person when all that does is amplify the point of one of my all-time favorite quotes: “Everywhere you go, there you are.” (I believe it’s Confucious who originated that.)
Accountability helps you to take responsibility for your actions. Accountability helps you to see where you can stand to improve. Accountability helps you to take constructive criticism. Accountability helps you to handle things in a mature rather than childish fashion (more of that in a bit). Accountability helps you to apologize. Accountability helps you to actually listen instead of always wanting to only be heard. Accountability helps you to grow up.
If you are bad at holding yourself accountable or you are in a relationship with someone who sucks at personal accountability — hell, no wonder your relationship is wearing you out. You can’t get anywhere far or good with someone who refuses to hold themselves accountable. My advice in this instance? See a therapist/counselor/life coach — STAT.
5. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Your Expectations Are Unrealistic (or Hypocritical)
I believe I’ve shared before that I’ve got a friend — a friend who’s been married for over 20 years, by the way — who, whenever his wife finds herself comparing their marriage to others or she rants about things that she’s dissatisfied with and it seems to come totally out of the blue, he will simply say, “You need to lower your expectations, honey.”
It tickles me every time I think about it because, what he’s basically saying is, “Now, you were fine until you went on a scrolling social media marathon or one of your friends talked about their wedding ring upgrade and now, here you are — making problems where there are none.” See, he’s not telling her to have no expectations; he’s telling her to be realistic about the ones that she comes up with — and that is some grown kids' advice right there.
When it comes to this particular point, a great example of having unrealistic expectations is to bring perfectionism into your relational dynamic. Wanting a flawless relationship is always going to make things trying because not only is there no such thing (because you are not perfect and neither is your partner), perfectionism is rooted in things like being hypercritical, never knowing how to be content, setting goals that are damn near impossible to reach, constantly stressing yourself out as well as those who are around you and not knowing how to live in the moment.
I know some perfectionists and I honestly try to keep my distance from them because they are draining to be around, so I can only imagine what it’s like to be in a relationship with one. SMDH. If this pushed some buttons, absolutely, being in a relationship with a perfectionist is hard work.
As far as the hypocrisy thing goes — it deserves its own article. For now, I’ll just say, that if you’re someone who expects from your partner what you yourself are not providing, not only are you being hypocritical, but you are a miserable person to be around as well. Because there is nothing like being in a relationship with someone who sets higher expectations of their partner than they do for their own selves. Amen? Amen.
6. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When Intimacy Is Lacking
I am totally unapologetic when I say that one of the greatest relationship gaslights of all time is believing that someone is unfaithful if they have sex with someone other than their committed partner while totally ignoring the fact that it is also an unfaithful act to commit to being your partner’s only sex outlet while refusing to sleep with them. Both things are selfish. Both things are toxic. Both things are relationally counterproductive. Yeah, you are definitely setting yourself up to have an excruciating relationship if you fall into one of these categories.
That’s a big part of the reason why I appreciated the “Dead Ass Podcast Season 4- Episode 2: Monogamy Expectations Vs. Reality” episode (featuring Devale and Khadeen Ellis) that I watched a few weeks back. Although it’s a few years old, if you are married or are considering getting married, it really is an unfiltered take between a husband and wife about intimacy, the expectations and needs within intimacy, and how to balance it all that you should check out. Something else that I like about it?
It’s a blaring reminder that SEX IS A RESPONSIBILITY IN MARRIAGE — and perhaps that is one of the real downsides about sex outside of it: since, when you are single, you are mostly focused on you and you alone when it comes to sex, it can be hard to realize that you need to prioritize your partner’s needs just as much as your own (as they do the same for you) after jumping the broom.
This means that no — you can’t be out here “not in the mood” for months at a time and then be freaking out at the thought of your partner liking an IG picture. Because let’s be real — on what planet does a sane person sign up for exclusivity or monogamy and then not expect to receive intimacy from the only source that they committed to get it from? Listen, if your partner sleeps with someone else, they cheated and, at the same time, if you refused to sleep with them, didn’t you cheat (the agreement) too?
In a long-term committed relationship, sex is one of the main things that sets it apart from all other relational dynamics. If you’re not bringing that to the table, how are YOU being faithful to the relationship?
Let’s please stop bugging when it comes to this because absolutely no one (who is physically capable) wants to be in a long-term sexless romantic relationship. That said, anyone who has a partner who minimizes intimacy, manipulates intimacy, or weaponizes intimacy — they are absolutely grueling to be around. Torturous even. And yes, to try and make it work with this type of individual…that is beyond hard work.
7. Relationships Can Be Really Hard When You’re Not Mature Enough for a Relationship
There is a man that I know who has been married for a few decades at this point and, throughout that entire time, he has mentioned how hard and incredibly stressful his marriage is. I bet because I have seen in a very up close and personal way that he’s with someone who is emotionally immature.
Yeah, while social media influencers are constantly talking about how they want someone who is emotionally intelligent (effective conflict management is one sign of that, relationship folks — so is apologizing and forgiving — hmm…), what we really need to be addressing in these streets is what it means to be emotionally immature:
- Emotionally immature people are poor communicators
- Emotionally immature people are self-centered
- Emotionally immature people act impulsively
- Emotionally immature people are inflexible and don’t know how to compromise
- Emotionally immature people are inconsistent
- Emotionally immature people like to play the victim
- Emotionally immature people don’t manage their emotions well
- Emotionally immature people make excuses instead of taking responsibility for their actions
- Emotionally immature people tend to overreact to things
- Emotionally immature people “go on the attack” and/or hit below the belt during conflict
Meanwhile, signs of emotional maturity:
- Emotionally mature people know how to own their ish without deflecting
- Emotionally mature people have healthy boundaries
- Emotionally mature people are solutions rather than problems-oriented
- Emotionally mature people are flexible and adaptable
- Emotionally mature people strive to see the positives and silver linings of things
- Emotionally mature people are humble (peep how much social media pushes back on humility)
- Emotionally mature people are very self-aware (about their good and not-so-good points)
- Emotionally mature people can put themselves in other people’s shoes
- Emotionally mature people aren’t bitter
- Emotionally mature people know how to be patient
Do you know how many folks out here are absolutely not with an emotionally mature person? And when a grown adult feels like they are damn near babysitting their partner — how could that not feel like some really hard work?
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Now do you get why this article has the title that it does? Just imagine if more people took all of what I said to heart and then altered the things that they are doing here. Do you get how their relationship could go from being hard work to being maintenance? Less toiling and more cultivating? Less exhausting labor and more upkeep? Less drudgery and more affirming?
Again, I have clients who’ve told me that since we’ve worked on these very issues, their marriage is easier than it’s ever been. Hmph. That’s what happens when you stop calling the relationship “hard work” and focus more on being easier to deal with instead.
Both ways. Just sayin’.
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