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Being A Single Mom Might Mean Sacrificing Romantic Love. Here's Why I Think That.
There’s a lot of discourse around single motherhood. To keep it brief, people will let you know all the ways you could’ve chosen better for you and your child. I’m not here to argue that down…today.
But. There’s this hatred that single moms have been getting lately for having the audacity to choose better in finding the right one after having a baby with the wrong one. And there’s something about the online hate that just feels so misplaced to me. Almost as if the men spewing it never intended to treat any women worth a damn.
Do I hate that it took having a child with the wrong person to grow in that way? Sure. Am I going to stop myself from living? No.
There are two things everyone, mothers included, must understand. The first thing is you must date better to protect your child. It’s not an option anymore. And, whatever this misogynistic, classist rhetoric is around the desire to choose better, I won’t be made to feel bad about that decision or exiled for human fallacy. And other mothers shouldn’t allow this way of thinking either.
The second thing is, if I’m dating you, the most you’ll have to worry about is my schedule...as a mother. There is no fairy godmother to make you "daddy" overnight. So, please stop assuming a single mom putting herself out there to date wants to make you stepdaddy by default. It’s a bit egotistical and, more than that, assumptive. Anticipate the process of getting anywhere remotely near my child as one that is as thorough as an airport security checkpoint.
Anticipate that you won’t make the cut. And, if you’re just so anti-another-man’s-kid – stay away altogether. Easier for all parties involved.
What society often leaves undiscussed is the way that being a single mother can mean your love life is almost nonexistent. And that being an intentional decision. This looks like the mothers who date for years of never bringing anyone into their home, no matter how serious the relationship is. Because the mothers who get it, get that the home is or should be their child's haven. This also looks like moms who forgo dating until their child has left the nest.
Perhaps that’s the issue – we don’t witness the self-sacrificing side of motherhood out in the open enough. These mothers exist, and they offer a sobering perspective.
A reality check.
The reality is that being a good mother might mean remaining single until you’re an empty nester again. Being a mother who protects and provides (emotionally, physically, and in all the ways) may require this.
I recall my nana telling me many years before I had my child that she got into a committed relationship with a man (who the family knew and loved), and because she had a daughter who lived in that home, she never invited that man to live with her. For context, she was with that man well into my lifetime. She loved him, but she loved and valued the safety of her children more, as she ought to.
At the time, I thought she might be overreacting until I found myself starting to think about dating while being a single mother.
The part that stands out to me, in particular now, can be summarized by saying I never want to have to put my son and myself in a position where he loses me in my effort to protect him. She alluded to the fact that although she was one of the most non-violent people (and this, I know, to be true), she would have to kill in the name of potentially avenging her daughter.
So, she refused to put herself in a position where that part of herself would have to show up and show out. She refused to put herself in a position where she would consequently be taken away from her family for defending them.
She didn’t want to be placed in a position where her maternal instinct forced her out of her character. And, now more than ever I understand and share this perspective.
Part of being intentional is understanding the only controllable in this life is you, which leaves room for error even after thorough vetting and endless healing work on your end.
There is no definitive evidence that single mothers are more susceptible to the attacks of predators, but I feel like if you’ve ever watched even one episode of any true crime story – you know predators have ideal victims.
And, when you think about it, single moms fit the bill. I mean, think about it.
Not only are you vulnerable, but so are your children – perhaps due to feelings of loneliness or abandonment. Single moms are also often overworked and tired, meaning it’s assumed you won’t be as attentive but rather grateful that a man was willing to be seemingly kind to you. Additionally, there is also a theory known as the Cinderella effect. This theory suggests stepparents are more likely to abuse non-biological children.
Lastly, I want to point out that the bar is so in hell for men that women have been fooled into thinking the bare minimum is everything.
I mention this because, on paper, I had an amazing stepdad. He did for me what my father never did. But, the other side of this was that he did the bare minimum in so many other ways. Emotionally, he never advocated for me against my mother’s emotional abuse like an adult arguably should. And so often, he was the source of my mother’s disdain towards me.
This goes back to the point about children deserving a haven, and home should be it. My mom and stepdad spent many years making it work when the marriage had expired. In turn, this meant my siblings and I paid the price. Though this could and does happen often enough with two biological parents in the home, I still want to highlight it because there’s no reason to leave one poor set of circumstances to trade them for another at the cost of your children’s emotional safety.
I’m not a super religious person, but I’ve learned in motherhood you won’t have all the answers; most times, it’s a formula of prayer and awareness (and this is in all things motherhood-related). And it’s not always equal parts! But being a mom is a constant state of befuddlement where you find yourself praying for the safety and wholeness of your child more than you ever prayed for yourself on your worst days. You pray for the answers and signs because, in reality, you can’t be sure that you’re doing it right until your job is “complete.”
Knowledge is power, yes, but I also understand that James Baldwin was on to something when he implied the more we know, the more challenging it is to live in this world.
Here are some things you can do while dating to ensure the safety of your children.
1. Background Checks
If you weren’t already running background checks on those you date – now might be the time to begin. It isn’t a guarantee, but then again, nothing is. Verify the information that this person is offering, from education and employment to criminal record. And, double triple-check that they’re not a convicted sex offender via the National Sex Offender website.
2. Maintain Privacy
I’m already very unsure at what point to even tell a man that I’m a mother because of my concerns, but it’s a given that this information does have to be disseminated. However, do not allow men to know your home address or any other private information, such as your child’s school name, before you’re certain this is a person who can be trusted with that information.
3. Check in with Your Child
I know some parents feel like they’re not about to ask their child for permission, and I’m not saying you should…per se. But I think you should definitely pick your child’s brain about your dating if they’re old enough to articulate an opinion. I also think you should check in once you’ve introduced them to a partner to see what comes up for them being around that person. I truly do believe children have an untainted intuition.
4. Supervision
Do not leave your child with someone you’re dating until it feels right for everyone. A right feeling won’t hit you after two weeks or even two months. In fact, at that point, I don’t even think we’re basing it on how we feel intuitively. That’s just too damn soon, TO ME.
5. Communication
Remember, I said we’re here to protect our children physically and emotionally. As for the emotional aspect, the threat is not always abuse, but it can also be having temporary people enter their life under the pretense that this person is permanent. If the person courting you is not interested in being a parent and doesn’t want anything serious with a woman who has a child, it’s not your job to try to convince them. Let’s not subject our children to unnecessary disappointment, and it’s unnecessary because you could’ve read the room.
I’m not here fearmongering, but rather reassuring you that when it comes to your child’s safety, there may come a time when you find it safest to sacrifice romantic love. It’s not talked about enough, and somehow, I think many women may be thinking about it but are conflicted by how extreme of a measure it is.
Wrap your mind around a different fairytale ending – one where your kids don’t need saving from a prince charming because you’ve been prioritizing their safety all along.
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Motor City native, Atlanta living. Sagittarius. Writer. Sexpert. Into all things magical, mystical, and unknown. I'll try anything at least once but you knew that the moment I revealed that I was a Sag.
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."