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5 Lessons I’ve Learned As A Young Single Mother
At my college graduation, I was 21 years old and three months pregnant.
Looking back, I was totally naïve about what it meant to be a mother and was honestly as unprepared as any woman could be! I was moving back in with my parents, I was always up and down with my child's father. I had no job, no understanding of real responsibility, and I had never possessed the kind of selfless spirit being a good mother requires.
But my daughter's innocence and pure love for me inspired me every day to be and pursue better. These are just a few gems I picked up along the way:
Be Real With Your Kids
I know I'm not the only one who grew up with parents who were NEVER wrong, no matter how wrong they were. "Do as I say, not as I do," was always the motto and don't you dare question it!
We can laugh about it now, but if we're really trying to raise daughters and sons that receive correction, we have to show them the way. I don't think my daughter wants a perfect mother who got everything right, I think she wants to know she can come to me when she gets things wrong because she's seen me mess up and correct my mistakes.
How do I expect her to know how to apologize when she's wrong if I don't? How can I expect her to be open to new ways of thinking if I'm not? How can she learn to be self-reflective and evolving if I don't practice that myself? We try to paint this image to our kids that we are without fault as if it will make them respect us more, but I've learned to let her see me fail so she can witness how I grow from it and see that I'm better because of that failure.
Grace Yourself
I don't believe anyone goes into motherhood completely prepared. No matter how many books you've read or baby classes you attend, there are just some things you don't learn or adjust to until you're actually on the job. And that's fine. You're going to get some things wrong the first time and, honestly, any mother that's keeping it real will tell you that 50% of taking care of children's physical and emotional needs is trial and error!
What food combos do they like? Trial and error. What hair products are getting us through? Trial and error. I wonder if this laundry detergent is what's making Grace itch so bad? Trial and error. Children are resilient, and as long as you're actively seeking to be better in all things, you can't go wrong. So, don't beat yourself up about what you don't know or may be getting wrong, instead take joy in mastering the small things that will be big things later.
My Daughter Is A Mirror That Reflects Everything I Am
Parenting is a MAJOR responsibility. Children come into the world pure and untainted, knowing absolutely nothing. So how scary is it that everything they know about being men or women is picked up from those raising them?
My biggest fear as a mother is for my daughter to waste time as an adult unlearning habits she picked up from me. I learned very early on that my daughter is a sponge that soaks up my energy. My peace, shapes her peace; my response to pain and conflict shapes how she responds; my kindness and goodness shapes hers.
As she gets older, I won't be her only influence, but I will always be her first example and that is something I take seriously.
Obviously, as she learns and is exposed to more things on her own, she will develop qualities (good or bad) without my input, but it is up to me to be spiritually and emotionally secure so she can have a point of reference.
Create Your Own Normal
Every family is different and considers the factors that are important to their life when raising their children. That means every child may not have both parents in the home or go to private schools; not every child eats all organic homemade snacks or maybe they do. Some children have the opportunity to travel and be taught at home, other parents may enjoy and thrive when there is more routine and less spontaneity—there is no wrong way!
The only right way is to hear the needs of your children and meet them as best as you can. I've learned to talk to Grace and really hear her when she tells me how she's feeling or what she likes and doesn't. Although she's five, she's more than capable of articulating what's important to her and as her mom, I've learned how to balance her desires with what she actually needs. More importantly, I've learned how to be open to adjusting the plan as we go rather than sticking to some unwritten rules of how things are supposed to be.
Treat Yourself Well
Being a mother is selfless and exhausting work. There are so many highs and rewarding joys about motherhood but pouring from an empty cup can make you feel extremely low and imbalanced. Your happiness is something only you can control and protect – your kids, your partner, your job will let you down, but only you know what you need to feel good about you. I didn't always know what made me feel good or what made me happiest, but I did the work to find out and that was the best thing I could have ever done for my daughter!
Mom, if no one else tells you please know that you're amazing, you're doing great, and you got this!
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissons@xonecole.com.
Featured image by Sai De Silva on Unsplash
Dominique is a 20-something beauty & Beyoncé-obsessed blogger based in Atlanta, GA. She loves sharing and encouraging other moms with her stories of faith and family on graceloveandlipstick.com. You can keep up with her and her daughter on Instagram, @gracefullydom!
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Summer Travel Guide: 9 Safest Vacation Spots For Black Women
When it comes to planning and choosing our international travels, there’s one question that is bound to come up: “Is it safe for Black women?”
At times, our travel plans can be halted by whether or not our desired destination is safe not only for solo travel but for overall protection as women of color. We want to have fun, go on excursions, taste the food, and let our hair down, so the last thing we need on our minds is navigating microaggressions and worrying about our safety.
According to a report by The Mandala Research Firm, 17% of Black Americans take one or more international trips and travel locally more than six times per year. Even more exciting, 42% of Black Americans said they would spend more in 2020 on travel than in 2019 (pre-Covid), and 50% of Black adults (16% more than the general population) are more likely to travel to locations associated with their ethnic or cultural heritage. All of this goes to show that we’re not afraid to pack our bags and book flights to our heart's desire.
Our passion for travel and exploration highlights a growing desire to connect with a wide range of cultures while discovering new fresh locales. By choosing destinations with positive reputations for safety and belonging, you can enjoy your next adventure with peace of mind. And to help, we’ve provided a list of the best vacation spots to add to our travel bucket list.
1.Havana, Cuba
Known for its vibrant culture and welcoming locals, Havana offers a unique travel experience for you and your girlfriends. Stroll through the historic streets of Old Havana and immerse yourself in the lively music and dance scenes that make this city unforgettable.
2.Rio de Janeiro, Brazil
Famous for its Carnival, stunning beaches, and warm hospitality, Rio de Janeiro is a lively and safe city to explore all year long. Don't miss a visit to the iconic Christ the Redeemer statue and the bustling Copacabana Beach for a true taste of Rio's energetic spirit.
3.Belize
With its beautiful beaches, diverse wildlife, and laid-back Caribbean vibe, Belize is a safe and adventurous destination for travelers. Discover the underwater wonders of the Belize Barrier Reef and explore ancient Lamanai Maya Ruins.
4.Paris, France
Who doesn’t have Paris, the city of lights, on their travel list? Renowned for its art, fashion, and iconic landmarks like the Eiffel Tower, Paris offers a blend of romance and safety for travelers. Wander through the charming neighborhoods of Montmartre and Le Marais, explore the Louvre, and indulge in the city's exquisite culinary delights.
5.Lisbon, Portugal
Portugal's capital city, Lisbon, charms visitors with its historic architecture, delicious cuisine, and welcoming atmosphere. Enjoy breathtaking views from São Jorge Castle and savor traditional pastries at the famous Pastéis de Belém bakery.
6.Bali, Indonesia
We’ve all seen the viral photos off the Bali coast and Gates of Heaven, so why not make it a reality? Famous for its lush landscapes, vibrant culture, and serene temples, Bali offers a safe and enriching travel experience in Southeast Asia.
7.Tokyo, Japan
Recently, the value of the Japanese Yen has seen a significant drop, making it the lowest it has been against the dollar since 1986, which also means that there’s no better time than now to make your travel plans to the renowned cultural hub.
8.Accra, Ghana
There’s no FOMO like the kind felt from seeing all the beautiful faces enjoying their holiday at Ghana’s Afrochella Festival, so let this be your sign to start planning the trip now. Often referred to as a welcoming home for the African diaspora, Ghana offers rich cultural experiences and a sense of belonging. Explore the vibrant markets of Accra and visit the historic Cape Coast Castle to connect with the nation's poignant past.
9.Seoul, South Korea
You may be surprised to find this city on the list, but for Black travelers, Seoul is said to be one of the safest and most exciting cities to travel to. There will be plenty to eat, buy, and experience from this city’s rich history and culture.
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Featured image by Klaus Vedfelt/Getty Images