You know that you're click-tight with someone when, you are able to openly and honestly express that their spouse isn't your favorite person on the planet and, still, you and your friend can make your relationship work—and last (check out "I'm Not A Fan Of My BFF's Man - This Is How I Make Our Friendship Work"). When it comes to a particular friend of mine, while her husband does have some good qualities, if there's one thing that drives me, his wife, most of her other friends, and even their therapist totally up the wall is her man has a severe case of I'm-absolutely-never-ever-wrong-itis.
I mean, it's so bad sometimes, you can't have a normal conversation without him feeling the need to Google articles and data to prove the most moot and irrelevant of points. And because he's so adamant about being right all of the time, it has actually caused my friend to consider separating, more than once. That's just how uncomfortable—and sometimes even excruciating—being in a relationship with a bona fide know-it-all can be.
Y'all, I've sat in way too many counseling sessions, and listened to way too many of my other married friends vent about their own partners to know that I'm not the only one who has up-close-and-very-personal encounters with husbands and/or wives who act as if they are never ever wrong. If you can relate because you are that person and/or you are married to one, I'm hoping that this article will offer up some tips that can help you to get, at least, a little bit of relief, so that your marriage can get a little bit more peace.
Accept That the Root of That Is Pride. Or Insecurity.
When you really stop to think about it, it takes a lot of self-confidence and self-awareness to be able to 1) admit when you're wrong, 2) be corrected, and/or 3) hear out an opposing point of view. When someone is able to do these types of things, it means that they are humble, willing to learn and they don't feel threatened by those who may not always or totally agree with them. What this boils down to is, when people can't pull these types of feats off, it's usually an indication that they are the opposite of confident and self-aware. They either function from a space of pure pride or deep-rooted insecurity (which oftentimes are one and the same).
When you really let this reality sink in, it can actually make you feel sorry for someone who acts as if they are never wrong because, at the end of the day, it's not about them being right so much as them fearing being wrong. And Lord, can you just imagine how exhausting it is to function that way? You love your spouse, right? A part of what comes with loving someone is trying to understand where they are coming from. Getting that there is nothing healthy or even beneficial about trying to always be right can bring about a feeling of compassion for them that you probably wouldn't have if you didn't see things from this perspective. Try and look from this scope, if you can.
Avoid Personalizing Their Pride. Or Insecurity.
I work with married couples…a lot.
Something that makes me tip my hat to functional marriages is how they are able to find the balance between becoming one as a union (Genesis 2:24-25) and still maintaining their individuality in the process (Psalm 33:15). A good example of what I mean by that is, it's always dope when a spouse can know when not to own something about their partner that isn't their responsibility and/or when they don't personalize stuff that has absolutely nothing to do with them.
Chances are, if you are married to a know-it-all, it transpired years before you came along. I know some people who are that way because of how they were raised. I know some people who are that way because they are narcissists-in-denial. I know some people who are that way because their job requires that they always be in authority, with little room for error, and so they don't know how to "turn that side of them off" once they step into their own house.
If you're married to someone who believes that they are never wrong, it can only benefit you to do a little pondering about how the "root" created that kind of "tree". Once you can get a better grasp on where all of that stems from, it can help you to better filter how to respond to your partner when they act like they are always right; especially when you know—that you know that you know—that they are not. Plus, it can help you to not feel quite so attacked because you get that when it comes to their pride and/or insecurity, while you're there to help them evolve from it, is not your responsibility to fix. It's totally theirs.
Try to Deactivate Your “Need to Have the Last Word” Trigger
While I'm not a big fan of the ever passive aggressive "OK" that some people like to use whenever they are in a conversation that they feel like they can't win (or they're sick of participating in), I will say that, when you're dealing with someone who feels like they are never wrong, it is important to deactivate a critical trigger—the need to always get the last word in. It reminds me of the quote that is oftentimes credited to Mahatma Gandhi. He once said, "Speak only if it improves upon the silence." While it's important to make your points known, to have your thoughts heard and for your feelings to be conveyed, unfortunately, people who always want to be right tend to care more about talking than listening; they are more into monologues than actual dialogues. This means that, no matter what you say, they are going to try and find something else to say after you. Let them wear themselves out if they want, but after you've "stated your case", use the self-discipline and maturity to be done with the topic. Why? Because, I'm telling you, if there's one thing that people who are never wrong are oftentimes totally stumped by, it's when the person they are trying to prove something to, stops talking—unless they can improve upon the silence.
Present Things in Question Form
Wanna know something that tends to be a signature trait of all know-it-alls? They are defensive AF. There have actually been former clients that I've had to be like, "Yeeeeeah, I'm good. Let's end these sessions" because, no matter what I tried to make them see, they acted like they were in a courtroom rather than a counseling call. Off topic, but not really, if you're a fan of Insecure, that's something that would drive me up the wall about Molly. Because she's a lawyer, she wanted to even argue—or at least take on a defensive tone—with her own therapist. It's exhausting, and ridiculous because, if things were "all good", you wouldn't be sitting on a therapist/counselor/life coach couch in the first place. SMDH.
Rome isn't built in a day. Neither is getting people who think that they are never wrong to a point and place of being able to see that character flaw about themselves. That's why, something that I've learned to do, is present certain things to them in question form more often. Like rather than saying, "You are really disrespectful in the way that you speak to your partner", I'll say something along the lines of, "Do you think how you just said that is disrespectful?" or "What you just said, how would you feel if your partner said it in the same way to you?" By approaching your know-it-all spouse with questions rather than direct statements, that can sometimes help them to lower their guard, be less defensive, and become more open to hearing just where you are coming from.
Get Off of the Eggshells
If you're the spouse who thinks you are never wrong, while this might be hard for you to hear and accept, when it's to the extreme (or you never seem to let up), it's actually a form of bullying. Bullies are aggressive. Bullies don't care to empathize with someone else's feelings, needs or opinions. Bullies try and make the person they are bullying either feel less than or like they must always concede. Yep. A lot of married people are straight-up bullies.
Now, if you're the person who happens to be married to the know-it-all bully, it's also important to keep in mind that you are an adult and they are not your teacher or your parent. While you do love them, there are still certain strategies that you must apply, so that you can remain sane and your marriage can remain stable. First, it's important that even in marriage, you set boundaries. Boundaries are limits. You need to figure out how much of your partner's "never-wrong-ness" you can handle and what you need in order for there to be harmony within the relationship. For instance, when your spouse is wrong, do you need them to apologize? Or, when they want to get on their high horse, do you need them to wait until the two of you get home rather than them choosing to have an all-out debate in public? Maybe what you need is to avoid "never wrong conversations" in the bedroom (so that it doesn't infect your intimacy), or you need to feel like discussions don't have to turn into arguments; that your know-it-all spouse can learn to let things go.
People who are never wrong in their own minds, they automatically function on the side of the extreme because, the reality is that, all of us are wrong at some point or another. And since they are so extreme, if you resolve to constantly walk on eggshells when you're in their presence, not only can that cause you to become super resentful, but it can make them think more and more that they are right—when conclusion is actually dead ass wrong. You deserve to feel at peace in your own house and in your own marriage. Tip-toeing around your know-it-all partner isn't the way to deal with them. Creating and expressing what your boundaries are is. Make sure that you do.
Create a Safe Haven for Them to Be Wrong
This article is actually about to come full circle because, anyone who is so stressed about being right all of the time, that is someone who has to feel vulnerable. A LOT. I say often to my clients that I'm not big on the word "vulnerable" being used in a marital union. Since it means "open to moral attack, criticism, temptation, etc.", that is the last thing that I think a husband and wife should feel in each other's presence. I'm more in the lane of the word "dependent" because it means "relying on someone or something else for aid, support, etc.". And you know what? In order for your know-it-all spouse to be able to work through their pride and insecurity issues, they need to feel safe in admitting when they are wrong. This is where you can help them with that.
By assuring them, from time to time, that they don't have to perform for you, "win" a debate, or feel more valued only if they are always right, believe it or not, it can actually start to calm them down and become more open to error—and correction.
Emotional safety is critical for the life and longevity of a healthy marriage. Make sure to convey to your partner that them suffocating you with their need to be right is unsafe. At the same time, also let them know that they are in a safe place to be wrong. If the love is real and mutual, in time, the know-it-all can learn how to be more humble and human. They can see that a good marriage doesn't need someone who is never wrong. It requires two people who are willing to do, whatever is needed, to get things right. Which means being wrong sometimes. Hmph. Funny how that works, huh?
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at firstname.lastname@example.org. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
Exclusive: Gabrielle Union On Radical Transparency, Being Diagnosed With Perimenopause And Embracing What’s Next
Whenever Gabrielle Union graces the movie screen, she immediately commands attention. From her unforgettable scenes in films like Bring It On and Two Can Play That Game to her most recent film, in which she stars and produces Netflix’s The Perfect Find, there’s no denying that she is that girl.
Off-screen, she uses that power for good by sharing her trials and tribulations with other women in hopes of helping those who may be going through the same things or preventing them from experiencing them altogether. Recently, the Flawless by Gabrielle Union founder partnered with Clearblue to speak at the launch of their Menopause Stage Indicator, where she also shared her experience with being perimenopausal.
In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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If you are looking to bring a little spice into your life, dating a fire sign is the way to do it. These bold lovers are confident enough to take the lead but may surprise you with how generous they are as well. Fire signs are the heat, the passion, the charisma, and the heart of the zodiac. They are often the initiators in love, and don’t mind making the first move. The three fire signs: Aries, Leo, and Sagittarius, love uniquely in their own way, but all have a lasting impact on those they meet.
You can feel a fire sign’s energy from a mile away, and getting close to them on a romantic level is a whole other type of heat.
Fire Signs in Love: What Is It Like To Date a Fire Sign?
Dating a fire sign is exciting, heartfelt, intense, and sexy. Fire signs are some of the most independent of the zodiac signs, yet they are also some of the most loyal. Their inner fire will warm your heart, but treat them badly, and it can just as easily burn. Due to fire signs' nature of feeling everything a little more heightened, they make empathic lovers, but they can also let their feelings overwhelm them and become easily irrational or agitated.
Fire signs can get heated quickly, and dating an unevolved one can get messy as they love to put on a show. They need a partner who is a good balance to their fierce nature, but someone who isn’t going to put out their inner fire in the process.
When it comes to who fire signs are looking to date, they look for partners who can love just as passionately as they can, and expect an unwavering type of loyalty. They are also looking for confident lovers, as they aren’t one to play games or beat around the bush. They are the type of partner to be your biggest cheerleader and will support you in all your endeavors, building up your self-esteem in the process.
These lovers are ready to risk it all when it comes to their relationships and love, and dating them is a fun adventure, to say the least. These are creative, confident, romantic, and heart-warming souls, and dating a fire sign is inspiring.
Dating an Aries
Aries are independent lovers. They are free spirits that are a little hard to settle down with, as most fire signs are, yet you will know how much they are willing to give and put into the relationship through their efforts. You have to be going at the same pace as them in life, and they need to see you as someone who can keep up with them to gain their respect and commitment. Aries have a vision when it comes to their life and love, and are looking for a partner that aligns with their plans or goals that they have for themselves.
Aries, at their best, are loyal and exciting; at their worst, they are competitive and brash.
When it comes to dating an Aries, they want to do things that keep their energy moving and stimulate them. They are fun lovers and are constantly doing things as a young soul does, fueling their spirit. Aries doesn’t want to feel restricted or limited in any way and seek relationships where there is a certain amount of freedom, which in turn sometimes leads them into emotionally unavailable relationships. An evolved Aries seeks their balance and finds themselves in long-lasting partnerships where they can still feel authentically themselves.
Dating an Aries is a compelling adventure.
Learn how an Aries pairs with each sign of the zodiac in love here.
Dating a Leo
Dating a Leo is like entering a rom-com movie. Leos are bold, outspoken, and dramatic lovers. They tend to prefer a spotlight on them, but when it comes to love, they are usually willing to share the stage. Leos want a grand love. They are all about outrageous romantic gestures, complete and utter loyalty, and a little spice. Leos want to be adored, and when you are dating one, they want all of your attention to be on them. Evolved Leos understand they cannot be the center of everyone's world, but Leo’s still going through their love journey may find themselves entertaining drama and controlling the scenario.
Leo’s, at their best, are playful and loving; at their worst, they are irrational and disruptive.
All in all, however, Leos can make some of the best partners to date as they rule the 5th house, the house of romance, dating, love, and flirtation. They are fun partners and are often the ones planning the dates or outings, and creating an atmosphere that is happy and inviting. They are the type to create an uplifting energy in their relationships, and you can expect a lot of laughs in this pairing. Leos don’t hold back when it comes to most things in life, including love. They will express their love and admiration for you often and will expect the same respect in turn.
Dating a Leo is a statement.
Learn how a Leo pairs with each sign of the zodiac in love here.
Dating a Sagittarius
Sagittariuses are hard to grasp, but if they decide to let you into their world, you’ll find a space of wonder, adventure, and magic. There are many different stages a Sagittarius moves through in love, and as much as they like to do things quickly in all other aspects of their lives, when it comes to dating, they tend to take it more slowly. They are not the type to be in a rush to define the relationship and take their time when opening their heart. You will feel their love, their personality, and their attention, but getting to know their deepest selves, their goals, and their dreams is going to take time for Sagittarius, and they prefer to have some fun with you while they get there.
Sagittarius, at their best, are warm and hopeful; at their worst, they are harsh and disingenuous.
Being ruled by abundant Jupiter, Sagittarius lives larger than life. They want a love that feels like it was destined by the stars, and it needs to make sense and fall into place for them with ease. They are looking for all types of synchronicities and signs when dating you, and once you make it past this stage, they truly have their eyes open to you. Sagittarius wants to go on adventures, learn, travel, and explore the world and you while dating. This is a spontaneous sign, and if you can match their energy of passion and wanderlust, then this is a good match for you when it comes to love.
Dating a Sagittarius is a journey.
Learn how a Sagittarius pairs with each sign of the zodiac in love here.
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