

The day after New Year's Day, I received an email from a friend of mine. It contained a picture of a woman and a couple of sentences including, "Just heard from her yesterday. I'm trying to wrap my head around this. It was tragic. I don't feel like talking right now. Maybe later."
Very long story short, the day before, she received a "Happy New Year" text from a very dear friend of hers right before 1pm. By 4pm, that same friend became the victim of a murder-suicide at the hands of her husband.
Unless you've experienced someone close to you (who lives in another state or country) dying unexpectedly before, you have no idea the kind of stress and strain it can put on you. Not only are you dealing with the shock and immense grief that you're feeling, but a lot of us don't have $1,000+ lying around to buy a last-minute round-trip plane ticket to attend the funeral. Knowing that you might not be able to say goodbye to your loved one? That makes the pain just that much worse. In a nutshell, that's how my friend has been feeling ever since she received the news.
My friend is a giver. No doubt about it. Even though she's married with children and is also a caregiver, she has sat on the phone with me all night during a devastating heartbreak. She's sent money to help cover an unexpected bill. She makes sure to acknowledge the special days in my life. And so, as she was talking to me about how much she wanted to attend her friend's send-off, I was trying to figure out how to financially assist her. Not because I just have money lying around (not at all); it's because she's my friend. Simple as that. I told her that I had a couple hundred dollars waiting for her if she needed it; all she had to do was let me know.
Again, not because I exactly had it, but because she's my friend.
Literally, just a few days before the funeral, I got an email from her right around midnight. Although it's always been hard for her to ask for anything, she indeed did need the cash. While she was talking about how she could understand if I couldn't help, I sent $200 through Cash app. It was as good as done. How it would affect me, I'd figure that out later. This was more important.
As she then went on to say that if she could find a way to pay me back because she knew I had some travel plans myself, I told her how offended I was by that.
"You got me. I got you. Friendships are sometimes inconvenient."
And you know what, y'all? They are.
It took me a significant amount of time, a ton of money, and a lot of hurt feelings to come to the conclusion of what I'm about to say, but listen — if your friends are only available when it's convenient for them, if you can't recall the last time they made a true sacrifice on your behalf, if your friends aren't the kind of people who you can call at 3 AM or will come and get you off the side of the road when you get a flat (even if it means that it's during their lunch hour) without a lot of hemming and hawing — love yourself enough to get some new ones.
Here's why I say that. Life coach Tony Robbins once said, "Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something — they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take."
If there was a quote that properly described my journey towards defining what true friendship is, this would be on my Top 5 list. Only, my struggle hasn't been that I don't give enough. My struggle has been finding people who are willing to give in return.
This article isn't about the PTSD that comes from an abusive childhood and how that can often set the tone for how you relate to others as an adult. However, I will say that due to so much upheaval in my own household, I realize that whether a home is healthy or not, a part of what a child does is try and make others feel loved (innocence does that); even when they aren't getting the love that they deserve in return. If an abused child grows up without healing from the imbalance and toxicity of what transpired (which sometimes requires therapy) they — or in this case, "we" — become codependent.
Yeah, I know that's a word that tends to be tossed around a lot, so if you're thinking to yourself, "What exactly does codependent mean?", Mental Health America provides a pretty spot-on definition:
"It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as 'relationship addiction' because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."
Rinse and repeat. When you are codependent, you tend to form or maintain one-sided relationships. You think that it's normal to be the one giving and doing most of the work. But the word "relationship" is a dead giveaway that it's not. For a relationship to be functional rather than dysfunctional, two people need to relate to one another. They need to be connected and bonded. They need to be able to trust and rely on each other — not just when it's comfortable but also when it's inconvenient.
Yeah, I know. This way of thinking can be so foreign that it might take a while to let it really sink in. But ask a couple who's been married 20 years about how many times they were "inconvenienced" in order to make their union work. Ask a single mother how many times she's been "inconvenienced" in order for her children's needs to be met.
The commonality in both scenarios is when you really and truly love someone, you'll do all that you can — sometimes if that means moving heaven and Earth by doing what is challenging or difficult — in order to hold them down. When the relationship is healthy, you don't give doing it a second thought; you already know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that they'd do the same for you. That's how much you both value the relationship.
No one said that love or friendship was easy. Sometimes it's totally inconvenient.
But if you and your friends accept that as a part of your relationships' reality, count yourself lucky. No, blessed.
Inconvenient friendships are some of the very best ones on planet earth. You'd better believe it.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
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Devale Ellis On Being A Provider, Marriage Growth & Redefining Fatherhood
In this candid episode of the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker talked with Devale Ellis, actor, social media personality, and star of Zatima, about modern masculinity, learning to be a better husband, emotional presence in marriage, fatherhood for Black men, and leading by example.
“I Wasn’t Present Emotionally”: Devale Ellis on Marriage Growth
Devale Ellis On Learning He Was a ‘Bad Husband’
Ellis grew up believing that a man should prioritize providing for his family. “I know this may come off as misogynistic, but I feel like it’s my responsibility as a man to pay for everything,” he said, emphasizing the wise guidance passed down by his father. However, five years into his marriage to long-time partner Khadeen Ellis, he realized provision wasn’t just financial.
“I was a bad husband because I wasn’t present emotionally… I wasn’t concerned about what she needed outside of the resources.”
Once he shifted his mindset, his marriage improved. “In me trying to be of service to her, I learned that me being of service created a woman who is now willing to be of service to me.”
On Redefining Masculinity and Fatherhood
For Ellis, “being a man is about being consistent.” As a father of four, he sees parenthood as a chance to reshape the future.
“Children give you another chance at life. I have four different opportunities right now to do my life all over again.”
He also works to uplift young Black men, reinforcing their worth in a world that often undermines them. His values extend to his career—Ellis refuses to play roles that involve domestic violence or sexual assault.
Watch the full episode below:
On Marriage, Family Planning, and Writing His Story
After his wife’s postpartum preeclampsia, Ellis chose a vasectomy over her taking hormonal birth control, further proving his commitment to their partnership. He and Khadeen share their journey in We Over Me, and his next book, Raising Kings: How Fatherhood Saved Me From Myself, is on the way.
Through honesty and growth, Devale Ellis challenges traditional ideas of masculinity, making his story one that resonates deeply with millennial women.
For the xoMAN podcast, host Kiara Walker peels back the layers of masculinity with candid conversations that challenge stereotypes and celebrate vulnerability. Real men. Real stories. Real talk.
Want more real talk from xoMAN? Catch the full audio episodes every Tuesday on Spotify and Apple Podcasts, and don’t miss the full video drops every Wednesday on YouTube. Hit follow, subscribe, and stay tapped in.
Featured image by YouTube/xoNecole
6 Tabletop Sex Positions That'll Unlock You & Bae's Most Primal Desires
Something I will never tire of is finding new ways to bring new layers to intimacy. A wall you use as momentum, a bathroom sink to help you keep your balance as he worships you on his knees, a shower that is usually for cleansing but evolves into a sacred ritual of shared intimacy.
My favorite kind of sex is the kind of sex that prioritizes pleasure and connection. So, technically and thankfully, I can say most of my sex life has been quite pleasurable throughout the years. But the memorable encounters for sure take the cake. One such encounter actually took place on a kitchen counter, and with it unleashed inhibitions in ways I never anticipated while unlocking levels to top-tier sex. And that, that involved a kitchen counter.
Why Kitchen Counter Sex Just Hits Different
What is it about having your hips pressed into the edge of a kitchen counter that lets out something so primal in you? The cool-to-the-touch feel of the countertop against exposed skin as you rise to meet him again and again. The urgency in every movement. The playfulness of repurposing an everyday space for something far more erotic. If you’re looking to bring that energy into your own sex life, keep reading for positions and tips to explore.
1. The Bounce House
They don’t call it Bounce House for nothing. In this position, the penetrating partner lies flat on their back on a sturdy table or counter while the receiving partner straddles them, knees bent and facing away. With their hands gripping the edge of the surface for support, the receiving partner slides or bounces at their own pace, owning the rhythm, the motion, and the view.
According to sex therapist Michael Aaron, Ph.D., who spoke with Women’s Health, the receiving partner placing their legs between their partner’s creates a tighter sensation, while staying fully astride allows for more bounce and range of motion. Either way, this one puts the receiver in full control, and you know we love a good woman on top position. Pleasure and power? Say less.
2. The Bicycle
Well, you know what they say about riding a bike. In the case of this table top position, it's the receiving partner who is the rider...but not in the way you think. While lying back on a sturdy surface or a table, the receiver will bring their knees toward their chest, bending them as if in a cycling motion. The penetrating partner stands at the edge of the surface, grabbing the receiver's ankles, and guides themselves inside, slowly so as to savor the moment. This angle puts everything on display for the penetrating partner while allowing for deep, connected thrusting for the receiver.
To take things up a notch , the receiving partner can touch themselves or flex their thighs to control the depth or the rhythm. Because, who says only one person gets to have control?
3. Counter Offer
How could we be at the table and not use it to eat? Enter: Counter Offer. In this oral-focused sex position, the receiving partner perches on the edge of a counter or table, lying back or sitting upright with legs parted or bent for comfort. The penetrating partner kneels or stands between their thighs, depending on the setup and the kind of attention they’re ready to give. No doubt, this one’s all about access and intention.
With the vulva front and center, the height makes it easier to maintain eye contact, use hands freely for things like breast play or incorporating toys, and take their time with every moan-inducing taste. And that’s on five, six, seven, ATE.
4. Standing Doggy
Standing Doggy is what happens when a classic like doggy style gets an upgrade. Instead of being on all fours on a bed, the receiving partner bends over a hard surface like a table or counter, keeping their hips aligned at its edge. The penetrating partner stands behind and enters from the back, using the angle to go deeper and create a strong, steady rhythm. This one offers maximum control and visual appeal, especially if the penetrating partner reaches around for a little extra clitoral stimulation throughout thrusting.
This angle can get intense quickly, so bonus points if the receiving partner engages their pelvic floor muscles or shifts their weight to adjust how the pressure hits, especially if your goal is to hit that G-spot sweet spot.
5. Top Shelf
Men's Healthcalls this one "Yourself on the Shelf," but we like to call it "Top Shelf" because it's giving full view, full grip, and climax potential that's hard to top. The receiving partner sits on the edge of a sturdy table or counter while the penetrating partner stands in front of them and slowly slides in, thrusting while keeping them in position. From there, legs can wrap around their waist, arms can encircle their back, and the closeness at peak ecstasy? Chef's kiss.
If you have the core strength, add lifting to the menu for the final strokes leading to orgasm. Otherwise, allow the surface to the heavy lifting and enjoy the pleasure.
6. The Thumper
What better way to remind yourself that you're both the snack and the entrée than with a little tableside service courtesy of The Thumper? This position has the receiving partner kneeling on a sturdy table or counter (keyword: sturdy), hands gripping the edge or braced in front for support. The penetrating partner can then either kneel behind them (if there's room for two), or stay anchored on the ground with both feet planted on the floor (similar to the previously mentioned Standing Doggy). It all depends on the mood.
Kneeling on the table offers just the right amount of leverage for deep, steady strokes. The receiving partner can play with tightness by either keeping their knees closer together for a snug grip, or open their knees wider to invite more access, depth, and stretch. The Thumper is versatile that way, and the most important thing? The receiver gets to be the main course. Yum.
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