Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are “Inconvenient”
The day after New Year's Day, I received an email from a friend of mine. It contained a picture of a woman and a couple of sentences including, "Just heard from her yesterday. I'm trying to wrap my head around this. It was tragic. I don't feel like talking right now. Maybe later."
Very long story short, the day before, she received a "Happy New Year" text from a very dear friend of hers right before 1pm. By 4pm, that same friend became the victim of a murder-suicide at the hands of her husband.
Unless you've experienced someone close to you (who lives in another state or country) dying unexpectedly before, you have no idea the kind of stress and strain it can put on you. Not only are you dealing with the shock and immense grief that you're feeling, but a lot of us don't have $1,000+ lying around to buy a last-minute round-trip plane ticket to attend the funeral. Knowing that you might not be able to say goodbye to your loved one? That makes the pain just that much worse. In a nutshell, that's how my friend has been feeling ever since she received the news.
My friend is a giver. No doubt about it. Even though she's married with children and is also a caregiver, she has sat on the phone with me all night during a devastating heartbreak. She's sent money to help cover an unexpected bill. She makes sure to acknowledge the special days in my life. And so, as she was talking to me about how much she wanted to attend her friend's send-off, I was trying to figure out how to financially assist her. Not because I just have money lying around (not at all); it's because she's my friend. Simple as that. I told her that I had a couple hundred dollars waiting for her if she needed it; all she had to do was let me know.
Again, not because I exactly had it, but because she's my friend.
Literally, just a few days before the funeral, I got an email from her right around midnight. Although it's always been hard for her to ask for anything, she indeed did need the cash. While she was talking about how she could understand if I couldn't help, I sent $200 through Cash app. It was as good as done. How it would affect me, I'd figure that out later. This was more important.
As she then went on to say that if she could find a way to pay me back because she knew I had some travel plans myself, I told her how offended I was by that.
"You got me. I got you. Friendships are sometimes inconvenient."
And you know what, y'all? They are.
It took me a significant amount of time, a ton of money, and a lot of hurt feelings to come to the conclusion of what I'm about to say, but listen — if your friends are only available when it's convenient for them, if you can't recall the last time they made a true sacrifice on your behalf, if your friends aren't the kind of people who you can call at 3 AM or will come and get you off the side of the road when you get a flat (even if it means that it's during their lunch hour) without a lot of hemming and hawing — love yourself enough to get some new ones.
Here's why I say that. Life coach Tony Robbins once said, "Some of the biggest challenges in relationships come from the fact that most people enter a relationship in order to get something — they're trying to find someone who's going to make them feel good. In reality, the only way a relationship will last is if you see your relationship as a place that you go to give, and not a place that you go to take."
If there was a quote that properly described my journey towards defining what true friendship is, this would be on my Top 5 list. Only, my struggle hasn't been that I don't give enough. My struggle has been finding people who are willing to give in return.
This article isn't about the PTSD that comes from an abusive childhood and how that can often set the tone for how you relate to others as an adult. However, I will say that due to so much upheaval in my own household, I realize that whether a home is healthy or not, a part of what a child does is try and make others feel loved (innocence does that); even when they aren't getting the love that they deserve in return. If an abused child grows up without healing from the imbalance and toxicity of what transpired (which sometimes requires therapy) they — or in this case, "we" — become codependent.
Yeah, I know that's a word that tends to be tossed around a lot, so if you're thinking to yourself, "What exactly does codependent mean?", Mental Health America provides a pretty spot-on definition:
"It is an emotional and behavioral condition that affects an individual's ability to have a healthy, mutually satisfying relationship. It is also known as 'relationship addiction' because people with codependency often form or maintain relationships that are one-sided, emotionally destructive and/or abusive."
Rinse and repeat. When you are codependent, you tend to form or maintain one-sided relationships. You think that it's normal to be the one giving and doing most of the work. But the word "relationship" is a dead giveaway that it's not. For a relationship to be functional rather than dysfunctional, two people need to relate to one another. They need to be connected and bonded. They need to be able to trust and rely on each other — not just when it's comfortable but also when it's inconvenient.
Yeah, I know. This way of thinking can be so foreign that it might take a while to let it really sink in. But ask a couple who's been married 20 years about how many times they were "inconvenienced" in order to make their union work. Ask a single mother how many times she's been "inconvenienced" in order for her children's needs to be met.
The commonality in both scenarios is when you really and truly love someone, you'll do all that you can — sometimes if that means moving heaven and Earth by doing what is challenging or difficult — in order to hold them down. When the relationship is healthy, you don't give doing it a second thought; you already know, beyond the shadow of a doubt, that they'd do the same for you. That's how much you both value the relationship.
No one said that love or friendship was easy. Sometimes it's totally inconvenient.
But if you and your friends accept that as a part of your relationships' reality, count yourself lucky. No, blessed.
Inconvenient friendships are some of the very best ones on planet earth. You'd better believe it.
xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next October (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This Black Woman-Owned Creative Agency Shows Us The Art Of Rebranding
Rebranding is an intricate process and very important to the success of businesses that want to change. However, before a business owner makes this decision, they should determine whether it's a rebrand or an evolution.
That's where people like Lola Adewuya come in. Lola is the founder and CEO of The Brand Doula, a brand development studio with a multidisciplinary approach to branding, social media, marketing, and design.
While an evolution is a natural progression that happens as businesses grow, a rebrand is a total change. Lola tells xoNecole, "A total rebrand is necessary when a business’s current reputation/what it’s known for is at odds with the business’s vision or direction.
"For example, if you’ve fundamentally changed what your product is and does, it’s likely that your brand is out of alignment with the business. Or, if you find your company is developing a reputation that doesn’t serve it, it might be time to pump the brakes and figure out what needs to change.
She continues, "Sometimes you’ll see companies (especially startups) announce a name change that comes with updated messaging, visuals, etc. That usually means their vision has changed or expanded, and their previous branding was too narrow/couldn’t encompass everything they planned to do."
Feature image courtesy
The Brand Doula was born in 2019, and its focus is on putting "the experiences, goals, and needs of women of color founders first," as well as brands with "culture-shifting missions."
According to Lola, culture-shifting is "the act of influencing dominant behavior, beliefs, or experiences in a community or group (ideally, for the better)."
"At The Brand Doula, we work with companies and leaders that set out to challenge the status quo in their industries and communities. They’re here to make an impact that sends ripples across the market," she says.
"We help the problem solvers of the world — the ones who aren't satisfied with 'this is how it's always been' and instead ask 'how could this be better?' Our clients build for impact, reimagining tools, systems, and ways of living to move cultures forward."
The Brand Doula has worked with many brands, including Too Collective, to assist with their collaboration with Selena Gomez's Rare Beauty and Balanced Black Girl for a "refresh," aka rebrand. For businesses looking to rebrand, Lola shares four essential steps.
1. Do an audit of your current brand experience — what’s still relevant and what needs to change? Reflect on why you’re doing the rebrand in the first place and what success would look like after relaunching.
2. Tackle the overall strategy first — before you start redesigning logos and websites, align on a new vision for your brand. How do you want your company to be positioned moving forward? Has your audience changed at all? Will your company have a fresh personality and voice?
3. Bring your audience along the journey — there’s no need to move in secret. Inviting your current audience into the journey can actually help them feel more connected to and invested in your story, enough to stick around as changes are being made.
4. Keep business moving — one of my biggest pet peeves is when companies take down their websites as soon as they have the idea to rebrand, then have a Coming Soon page up for months! You lose a lot of momentum and interest by doing that. If you’re still in business and generating income, continue to operate while you work on your rebrand behind the scenes. You don’t want to cut existing customers off out of the blue, and you also don’t want so much downtime that folks forget your business exists or start looking for other solutions.
While determining whether the rebrand was successful may take a few months, Lola says a clear sign that it is unsuccessful is negative feedback from your target audience. "Customers are typically more vocal about what they don’t like more than what they do like," she says.
But some good signs to look out for are improvements in engagement with your marketing, positive reviews, press and increase in retention, and overall feeling aligned with the new branding.
For more information about Lola and The Brand Doula, visit her website, thebranddoula.com.
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Feature image courtesy
The Black Girl's Guide To St. Maarten, An Island-Hopping Paradise
Having explored the Caribbean extensively, choosing a favorite island is hard. Each island has its own unique charm, but St. Maarten stands out for a few reasons. Travelers can explore two countries on one trip: the southern side, St. Maarten, is part of the Netherlands, while the northern side, St. Martin, is French.
With 37 beaches, charming French bakeries, and Dutch wine and cheese shops, the island is great for those craving variety. It also serves as a perfect base for exploring the neighboring islands of Saba, Anguilla, and St. Barths - all just a ferry ride away.
If you’re looking for a destination for an upcoming solo or girls’ trip that combines adventure, beachfront relaxation, and great dining, here’s why St. Maarten should be at the top of your list.
Sonesta Ocean Point Resort
Sonesta Ocean Point
Where To Stay
To get to St. Maarten, I booked a flight to Princess Juliana International Airport, which is on the Dutch side of the island. After landing, I checked into Sonesta Ocean Point Resort, an adults-only, all-inclusive property about 10 minutes from the airport. The property has 24-hour room service, four bars, and three restaurants. My favorite restaurant was the cliffside Azul, where some menu standouts included mushroom ravioli, grilled swordfish, and braised lamb shank.
If you want to party, you’ve come to the right place. The resort also offers poolside DJs, nightly live entertainers, and the largest casino on the island, Casino Royale. You can also spend some quiet time at the Serenity Spa getting a bamboo massage in the Japanese Zen garden or enjoying an Island Flow massage in the outdoor gazebo.
The hotel is also located on Maho Bay, just steps from the famous Maho Beach. Nicknamed “airport beach,” the beach is a popular place to snap pictures of the planes landing or departing just a few feet above you. If you want to know the best time to hit the beach, check out the Sunset Beach Bar, which has a chalkboard with a schedule of landings and departures.
Downtown St. Maarten
Credit: St. Maarten Tourism
What To Do
While you could easily spend your whole vacation at the resort, there’s so much to do in St. Maarten. One of the best ways to discover the island is by ATV through Xplore SXM, which offers daily rentals and the option of a tour guide. The rental office is just steps from the resort, and I opted for a guided tour of the island.
The island is only nine miles long and eight miles wide, and it takes just a few hours to drive around the entire island. There’s no border control (just a sign to mark each side of the island), and you can easily travel between the two sides. As part of my tour, I stopped by St. Martin’s Orient Bay, one of the island’s best beaches. I also spent the afternoon strolling through Phillipsburg, the Dutch capital, and browsing around The Amsterdam Cheese and Liquor Store, which offers gourmet cheese, wines, and even wooden clogs imported from the Netherlands.
Orient Beach
Credit: Mariette Williams
Another popular activity in St. Maarten includes ziplining. If you’re brave enough, book a trip to The Flying Dutchman, the steepest zipline in the world. The ride is over 2,800 ft long and includes a drop in elevation over 1,000 ft. At the top of the ride, you can see neighboring Saba, St. Barths, St. Eustatius, and Anguilla.
During my stay, I also booked a visit to the recently opened We Culture Museum in St. Maarten—one of the highlights of my stay. A visit to the 8,000-square-foot museum includes complimentary drinks and a history lesson on Carnival across the Caribbean. There were instruments and handmade costumes on display, and I tried on some of the Carnival wings and headpieces.
The We Culture Museum
Credit: Mariette Williams
Where To Eat
Of all the islands I’ve traveled to, St. Maarten/St. Martin has some of the most diverse food offerings. On my first night, I took a taxi to Bamboo House, an Asian restaurant overlooking the city. The restaurant offers a variety of dishes like braised duck nachos and a special West Indies Espresso Martini made with Venezuelan rum.
During my ATV tour, I stopped for breakfast at Chez Fernand, an authentic French bakery in St. Martin, where I practiced my French by ordering the pain au chocolat. I also ate eggplant lasagna at Irie Gardens, a local vegetarian restaurant in Phillipsburg. St. Martin also has a big Haitian population, and Villa Royale serves traditional Haitian dishes like djon djon rice, pikliz, and grilled conch.
St. Martin is also home to several beach clubs, perfect for day drinking and lounging in breezy cabanas. Rainbow Cafe has a laid-back, boho vibe, perfect for slow brunches, and Ocean’s 82 is a beachside French restaurant specializing in seafood like roasted sea scallops and lobster fettuccine.
Aerial view of Saba
Credit: Kai Wulf
Where To Island Hop
St. Maarten is one of the easiest places to island hop, and you can collect passport stamps in three nearby countries. Start with a trip to Saba, a Dutch island about a 90-minute ferry from St. Maarten that departs at 9 a.m. twice a week. You could also opt for a quick 15-minute flight and experience landing on the shortest commercial runway in the world. I opted for the plane ride and held my breath as we touched down the 1,300-foot-long runway.
If you’re just in Saba for the day, plan a hike to Mount Scenery. Guided hikes are offered through the Saba Conservation Foundation, and my hike was led by Crocodile James, an expert hiker and local Saban, who took my group on a 90-minute hike to the top of Mount Scenery, the highest point in the Kingdom of the Netherlands.
Mount Scenery Trail
Credit: Mariette Williams
Views of Saba from Mount Scenery
Credit: Mariette Williams
Mariette pictured taking in the views of Saba
Credit: Mariette Williams
After your hike, stop by Tropics Cafe for a refreshing lobster salad or curry coconut shrimp.
I also recommend a day trip to Anguilla. The daily ferry ride is about 25 minutes long, and rides start at 10:30 a.m. In Anguilla, the best beaches are Mead’s Bay and Shoal Bay, and my favorite restaurants on the island are SALT at the Four Seasons Anguilla, Straw Hat at Frangipani Resort, and 20 Knots at Zemi Beach House, which has tables right on the beach. Anguilla is made for beachgoing, but you can also go horseback riding on the beach or enjoy a rum tasting at Zemi Beach House’s Rhum Room, the island’s only rum bar.
St. Barths is another option for a day trip, and the 45-minute ferry from St. Maarten to St. Barths leaves three times a day starting at 7:15 a.m. The island has a reputation for being a hideaway for celebrities and socialites, and like St. Martin, it’s lined with swanky beach clubs and restaurants. Check out Nikki Beach or Ocean Club St. Barths and head to the island’s capital, Gustavia, to check out French boutiques like Louis Vuitton and Cartier.
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Featured image by Kai Wulf