![Quantcast](http://pixel.quantserve.com/pixel/p-GS-HF4BKvzCmv.gif)
![How To Know You've Truly Healed. From 'Him'.](https://assets.rebelmouse.io/eyJhbGciOiJIUzI1NiIsInR5cCI6IkpXVCJ9.eyJpbWFnZSI6Imh0dHBzOi8vYXNzZXRzLnJibC5tcy8yMjgzNTkxMy9vcmlnaW4uanBnIiwiZXhwaXJlc19hdCI6MTc4MDU4MTg3OH0.AQMogr5aPXDi6Y965ImmUvgT4Kwd775dZDq2qV5Twcc/img.jpg?width=1200&height=600&quality=90&coordinates=0%2C83%2C0%2C84)
How To Know You've Truly Healed. From 'Him'.
The timing of writing this is really something. While I was doing some keystroking, I got a call from one of my clients. They recently broke up with someone and are actually displaying some of the very behaviors that we're about to get into today. So, while it's on my mind, let me just say that if you just called it quits with someone, I'd say around 4-6 weeks ago, this article doesn't necessarily apply to you. Ending relationships can be quite painful and it takes a little bit of time for the "heart scab" to form so that the healing process can truly begin.
Oh, but if it's been a few months now (or more) and you're not able to tell much of a difference between today and how you felt on the day when the relationship official came to a close, this is something I would recommend that you at least skim through. The reality is that, for most of us, heartbreak is indeed sure. A bigger reality is if we don't make sure to fully heal—"to make healthy, whole or sound"; "to cleanse"; "to purify"—from the situation, not only is it going to hold us back, it can also hinder us from getting into a relationship that is so much better.
Signs You're Healing From a Breakup
So, how can you know, for certain, that you've truly healed from an ex? I'm so glad that you asked. Here are some telling signs you're healing from a breakup that you can gauge your mind and heart by.
1.You’re Not Bitter
I'm thinking that one of the most telling signs that someone hasn't healed from shoot, just about anything that deals with relationships (any kind of relationship), is they are bitter. And yeah, bitter ain't good. Whenever I think of that word, as it relates to romantic relationships, the first thing that oftentimes comes to my mind is the synonym "acrimonious" which ties really well into the Tyler Perry movie Acrimony.
Yeah, I know that film triggered a lot of folks yet something I did appreciate about it was it showed a very bitter woman and how she came to be that way (because very few are bitter for absolutely no reason). It also revealed an extreme example of what can happen when you don't let bitterness go. Know another in-real-life example of bitterness? A lot of posts that I see on social media. It's like some folks think it's an Olympic sport to dog out Black men all day long. And what's a trip about this particular example is the fact that, when someone is bitter, they tend to, by definition, generalize.
What are some other indications of being bitter? Holding grudges. Being jealous of other people's relationships. Always seeing things with a negative slant. Staying stuck in the past. Not acknowledging the good things that are happening in your life. Comparing the next guy to the old one.
To be fair, when you first break up with someone, there do tend to be stages of grief that can sometimes feel like bitterness (check out "Why You Need To Grieve Your Past Relationship"). Yet if it's been so long since the relationship ended at this point that even your friends, your mama, and your auntie are like, "Girl, we're still talking about this?", it's worth asking yourself if there is some bitterness within you that still needs to be addressed. Then resolved.
2.You’re Not Rebounding
The flip side to being bitter? Oftentimes it includes being on the rebound. I've mentioned in articles before that I actually-pretty-close-to-loathe the saying, "The best way to get over someone is to get underneath someone else." One of the main reasons why is because that typically speaks to using another person as a distraction—and, well, as the saying goes, everywhere you go, there you are. Yeah, trying to get over someone by getting involved with someone isn't the best way to heal from the relationship. More times than not, all it does is cause you to compare the new guy to the old one, and worse, you can end up making him pay if he shows even remote signs of being like your ex.
What's so wrong with that? Well, say that something you didn't like about your ex-boyfriend was that he wasn't very romantic or attentive. Let the new guy show up 10 minutes late to something and all of a sudden, now he's selfish and too immature for a relationship. And it's all because you're too jaded to see things from a balanced perspective (which I'm gonna address in just a sec).
A healed person is fine standing on their own. That's how healed they are. If you can't imagine getting through your break-up without someone else being around, that's not fair to the-new-him—or to you. Rebounding rarely ever is.
3.You Have a Balanced Perspective
When I speak of having a balanced perspective, this can actually go a few different directions. First, when you're healed from him, you're not holding the guys in your future to "his" standard. You are able to see each person as an individual and "judge" accordingly. Another example of having a balanced perspective is you don't just remember all of the bad times or all of the good. Another sign of being balanced is you don't see only what you want to see.
A great example of this particular point is the movie (500) Days of Summer (Joseph Gordon-Levitt, Zooey Deschanel). One of my very favorite scenes is when Tom (Gordon-Levitt) goes to a party that Summer (Zooey) throws and it shows his expectations vs. the actual reality via a split screen (you can watch it here). Because Tom was still so hung up on Summer following their break-up, he had a one-sided perspective. He saw what he wanted to see which was Summer inviting him to her party to get back together when the reality is that it was really her engagement party to some other guy.
When you're not healed, you tend to have quite a bit of tunnel vision. More times than not, it's because you're trying to protect yourself—even if it's by doing things that are only putting yourself in harm's way. That said, you know you've healed when things aren't unrealistic or extreme. You can process things for what they are because you've got a balanced insight on matters.
4.You Can Own Your Own Ish
I don't care if it's your BFF, the First Lady of your church, or your favorite relationship coach, be careful of listening to people who, when they speak of their own relationships, you never—and I do mean NEVER—hear them say what they did wrong or could've done better. One of the things that is super annoying—and dangerous—about the state of our society these days is how so many people seem to have a total lack of personal accountability. That's why, while I will do it sometimes, I prefer to work with a couple instead of just one person who is in the relationship. Why? Because when you hear both sides, things make a helluva lot more sense as you're trying to figure out how a couple got to where they are.
Whew. I can't tell you how many times a wife will hit me up to provide me with a long list of all of the things that her husband is doing wrong. When I just hear it from her end, it's easy to think that her husband is a living hell. Oh, but let him tell his side, and more times than not, I get that what he's doing is a reaction to what has been said or done to him—by his wife. That they both have created the mess that they are in.
When it comes to heartbreak, I've definitely had some doozies and known some asses. The more I heal, though, the more I can see some of my own missteps. The reason why that is so important for me to do is because I'm able to acknowledge how I got into the relationship, along with the poor choices that I made, so that I can avoid getting into similar situations, moving forward.
If you're trying to get over an ex and you are totally unwilling to see and then accept what you could've done to make the relationship better/healthier (and I don't mean that passive-aggressive "I loved him too much" mess than somehow still soothes your ego; I mean, "I was too controlling" or "I was impatient"…the real stuff), that oftentimes means that the wound is so fresh that it hurts to step on your stuff. The more you heal, the easier it will be able to do, though. Trust me.
5.He’s Not Able to “Double Dutch” in Your Life
There's a guy in my life who, it took me much longer than it should have for me to get over him. I think a part of it was because I lacked that "balanced perspective" that I referenced. Plus, he's super charming (the Bible says that charm is deceitful; don't be impressed with it—Proverbs 31:30), so he oftentimes would do just enough to keep me emotionally invested in some level without him having to fully commit. Because of this, it was very easy for him to Double Dutch (you know, go in and out, in and out) of my life.
Amazingly, after all of that, we've managed to remain a few steps up from just being "cool". I can tell that I really am completely over and healed from the situation because, when he came through to pick up something, saw some roses in my living room, and inquired who they were from my total energy was, "Boy, bye". I didn't care what he thought. The way he tried to flirt to reel me back in was futile. I wasn't mad, giddy, or triggered. I was just…over it.
One of the reasons why I'm such a fan of initial break-ups being clean breaks is so that people don't have to go through (or is it send themselves through?) a lot of what I can personally relate to. Sometimes, when it comes to an ex, we keep going around and around and around like Keith Sweat once sang about because it seems easier to keep "some" of the guy in our life than to have none of him at all. Yet that's the thing—break-ups happen because one or both people aren't able to give their all or two people don't mesh well enough to give their all. So, it's really best to just leave well enough alone so that they both can get to their better "fit".
Does this mean that I think exes aren't capable of getting back together? What I will say is, that when it comes to healthy and progressive dynamics, that tends to be the exception and not the rule. Either way, being "on" one day and "off" the next, for weeks, months, or even years on end, is just wasting your time and causing the attachment to grow deeper. Bottom line, if you keep letting him in and out of your life, you're not being fair to yourself. You're also allowing him to get too many of the benefits without much of the responsibility.
Eventually, more times than not, that is a straight-up recipe for disaster. And could end up taking you so much longer to heal from…it all.
6.You Clearly See Where You’ve Grown
When it comes to most break-ups, there's a season when all you can think about is how the end of the relationship is hurting you. You might even think that it is ruining your life. As you start to heal, though, you begin to notice some silver linings that you probably didn't see coming. Maybe the break-up has taught you to love yourself more. Maybe the break-up has revealed some cyclic patterns that you need to break. Perhaps the break-up has taught you how to be more tolerant or forgiving or—the other side of the coin—to set better boundaries. Maybe now you can see how you've become more sure of yourself and how to not settle. Could it be that the break-up has you more emotionally aware and mentally centered than you've ever been?
The thing about relationships is, if we're really paying attention, they are lessons. And the purpose of a lesson is to teach us something. When we learn, our minds expand. As a result, there is growth. When you're able to step back from a relationship and be like, "Yeah, it hurt. But man, it taught me this, this and this and I'm all the better for it", not only does that also reveal that you've healed—it has taken a lot of the power away that the person and relationship once had in your life. You can thank it and him for how it influenced you to become who you are. So that you can move on—fully and peacefully.
7.You’re Able to Wish Him Well
How many of y'all rolled your eyes when you read this point and then followed that expression up with, "Wish him well…for what?" Listen, author Dr. Wayne W. Dyer once said something about karma that a lot of people could stand to blow up and hang in their office as a daily reality check—"How people treat you is their karma. How you react is yours." Some of my exes? When I tell you that I don't ever have to see them again and even never would be too soon, I mean that from the very bottom of my heart. At the same time, I don't want any harm or even hurt to come to them. Why? Because I'm over it. Folks who tend to hold vengeance in their heart are usually people who are still putting way too much energy into a person or situation. Or both.
While I'm all about setting some boundaries up in here so that I won't be hurt again (and so I won't have to keep reliving a lesson that life has already taught me) when it comes to eh, 95 percent of the people who have hurt me before—whether professionally or personally—I can definitely send light and good energy into their direction because the reality is, at one point, something was good enough about them that caused us to have a connection. And so, just like I was able to grow and move forward, I hope they are able to do the same.
Healing isn't easy. Don't let anyone tell you something different. The only thing that's harder is to think that you've healed when you actually haven't. I hope all of this provided a bit more clarity for if you have fully healed from an ex—or not. If you have, celebrate yourself. If you haven't—be gentle with your being while still acknowledging that there is more work to do—for your greater good.
Join our xoTribe, an exclusive community dedicated to YOU and your stories and all things xoNecole. Be a part of a growing community of women from all over the world who come together to uplift, inspire, and inform each other on all things related to the glow up.
Featured image by Giphy
- Karrueche Is A Reminder That A Break-up Can Be Essential To Your ... ›
- Here Are The Silver Linings Of Your Break-Up - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- Why You Need To Grieve Your Past Relationship - xoNecole ... ›
- The Importance Of Healing After A Breakup - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- 3-Step Guide To Self-Healing - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love ... ›
- What To Do If You've Outgrown Your Partner - xoNecole: Women's ... ›
- Women Heal, Men Hoe: A “Love” Story - xoNecole: Women's Interest ... ›
- What Does It Mean To Be Bitter - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Things To Avoid On Social Media After A Breakup - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 7 Signs You've Evolved From 'Being Chosen' To 'Doing The Choosing' In Relationships - xoNecole: Lifestyle, Culture, Love, Wellness ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."