6 Reasons Why Rebound Relationships Should Be Avoided At All Costs
Rebound relationships are interesting. And by "interesting," I mean "semi-dangerous." Not physically, but emotionally. Still, I think the reason why so many of us fall prey to them is because when we consider going on the rebound with someone, even if it's just subconsciously, I believe that a basketball game comes up in our mind. When someone misses a shot and someone else immediately comes behind them and makes it, that's a rebound. Not only is that harmless, it's celebrated.
Yeah, but our hearts and bodies aren't basketballs and love ain't a game. When a relationship ends—no matter who ended it or how we feel about it—we need to give ourselves some time to recover. To process what happened, to think about the role that we played in it, to figure out what we will do differently in the future—and to heal.
If we don't do this but, instead, feel the impact of a break-up and then hurry up and look for someone else to distract us or help us to get over it, there's a greater chance that we'll end up disappointed, if not completely disillusioned. As a direct result, we have the original relationship and the rebound to work through. Double the trouble. Double the drama. And sometimes, double the pain.
If you're still not convinced that rebounding is NOT the answer to a break-up, maybe the following six (other) reasons will convince you.
Your Motives Are (Usually) Off
Let's not romanticize why we get into rebound relationships. We do it because A) we don't want to really sit down and deal with the end of our relationship; B) we want someone to make us feel better about ourselves and/or the situation or C) both. That's understandable but what it boils down to is we're using someone to get us through something. And using an individual is never a healthy way to handle anything in life.
Plus, you can't really trust your discernment when you're broken or feeling insecure. It really is a podcast series all on its own, how much we would spare ourselves, if we didn't pick via our pain.
Motives speak to the foundation of a lot of things that we do. To try and build anything on a rebound is like having cracks in your foundation from the start.
You're Bringing Someone Else into Your PainGiphy
We've all seen a television show or movie where, someone has recently broken up with someone, went on a date with someone else and did nothing but talk about their ex the entire time. It's tacky and then some, but when you haven't given yourself enough alone time to work through things, it happens.
Even if you're got enough couth to not talk about your ex to the next guy, you'd be amazed how your actions could still possibly reveal that you're not over him. Your ex slept with someone else, so when the new guy texts with a smile in front of you, you're wondering if it's some other woman. Your ex was never on time, so when the new guy is even five minutes late, you immediately cop an attitude. Your ex didn't want the kind of commitment you did, so you try and rush the new guy into something serious three dates in. Or worse, you want the new guy to make up for all of the pain your ex caused you.
It's no one else's job or responsibility to heal you from what your ex did. But if you're quick to jump into a rebound relationship, you just might waste time (and lose a really great person) trying to prove otherwise.
The Best Way to Get Over Someone IS NOT to Get Under Someone Else
Michael Anthony (who was one of the people to end up with a love match on OWN's Ready to Love) has his own YouTube channel now. It's called The Distinguished Barbarian. I check it out from time to time and one episode that particular caught my attention was "Your Vagina Does Not Belong in a Casino." Between the title and him starting off with "Everybody, give me a moment of silence for the vagina" (as he wiped away a tear), I had to hear where he was coming from.
The gist? "God entrusts life through a woman's body and it comes out of the 'honey pot'. And then once the man comes out of the honey pot, what does he spend the rest of his life trying to do? Get back in the honey pot." Shoot, that alone should make us be very particular about who we get down with. The rest of the segment gets into the fact that many of us gamble with our vaginas because since we base a lot of things on emotion, we tend to make assumptions. We assume that because we're having sex with someone that they are on the same page with us when they may not even be in the same book (that's my phrasing not his, by the way).
That's why I'm not big on thinking that we should have sex with some "new" dude in order to get over an old one. For one thing, it's a slick form of using someone (how would you feel if some man had sex with you for the same reason?) and two, all you're doing is setting yourself up to be attached to another individual…which could put you into the position of getting hurt all over again. Remember, when we break our arm in the same place twice, it takes longer to heal. I think the same thing applies to our hearts.
You Should Focus Getting over Your Ex Instead
The reason why most of us rebound in the first place is so we don't have to dig deep and deal with what happened with our past relationship. But that's exactly what we should be doing. One reason is so we can process and (if necessary) forgive our ex; otherwise, we'll carry a lot of slow burn anger and bitterness (whether we realize it or not) around. Another reason is because, although it sometimes happens, it's not common for rebound relationships 1) be healthy and/or 2) to last. Usually, they're a form of expiration dating (you know, starting something that you already know has an expiration date on it). When they do come to an end, guess who you just may go back to? YOUR EX. Now you're back in an emotional cul-de-sac—if not a dead end—all over again.
Yeah, rather than using a rebound relationship as a Band-Aid, focus more on getting some space to get over your ex. That way, when you really are ready for something new, you'll be approaching it with a truly clean slate.
You Need Time to Heal—ALONEGiphy
If you have a pattern of breaking up with guys and freaking out at the thought of being alone afterwards, you are one of the main people who needs to do just that—BE ALONE. I can't tell you how many people I've talked to who are absolutely miserable in their relationships because their partner is needy, clingy and looking for them to do things that they should be doing for themselves.
Break-ups suck. Trust me, I know. But if there is a silver lining, it's that it gives us all the opportunity to step back and say, "Wait. Who am I and what do I really want?" Not just out of love but out of life.
The time you're spending (or is it wasting?) getting caught up in another dude is the time you could be spending loving on yourself—so that the next guy you get with won't require you needing a rebound because you'll be in a space where you'll choose men and love differently.
Karma Is Real
I once read a quote from karma that said, "You will never understand the damage you did to someone until the same thing is done to you. That's why I'm here." Whatever happened in your past relationship, let karma handle it (and it will). But don't put yourself in the position where you could hurt someone else via a rebound. All that does is set you up for being on the receiving end of your own karma. I don't think you'll like it very much.
Rebound relationships may be a fun distraction for a season, but they tend to come with some pretty cryptic consequences. You'd be far better off breaking up and staying single for a while than getting into something just to be doing something.
Life and love ain't a game. Please choose wisely.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at firstname.lastname@example.org. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Watching Angela “Blac Chyna” White’s transformation in real-time has truly been a sight to see. It wasn’t that long ago that she announced that she was reversing her cosmetic surgeries in an effort to go back to who she was before the world came to know her as Blac Chyna. In previous interviews, she stated that she was dissolving her facial and lip fillers, removing her breast implants, and getting a butt reduction, as well as removing the dimple piercings that enhanced her fame and controversial tattoos.
In a recent Tamron Hall interview, the mother of two said that she has “fully recovered” from the procedures. She is also celebrating one year of sobriety and opened up about being worried about how her new journey would be received by others.
“I’ve been in the entertainment industry for so long, right, and of course, like, you know, coming out, I’m like young, I’m gonna do wild things as we all have,” she said.
“...I feel like by me being vocal and showing everybody you can change your life and things can get better, like through myself, that right there is an accomplishment, and that’s a part of freedom, too.”
But as she started on her journey, many people have shown her grace, which is something she’s grateful for. “And then the fact that people have been showing me grace, it’s like amazing,” she said. “And I feel like when I did it, I just did it. It was more so like spiritual thing and I feel like people see that, and I’ve always been like my authentic self, so what you see is kinda what you get with me, and that’s just kinda what it is.”
Chyna, who recently received an honorary doctorate from Sacramento Theology Seminary and Bible College, has also repaired her relationship with her mom, Tokyo Toni. The social media celebrity surprised her daughter on the Tamron Hall Show. Prior to the sentimental surprise, Chyna dished on the reconciliation and having a better understanding of her mom.
“I must say, some of the things I have to take accountability for because, like my actions. As a mother, you don’t want to see your daughter doing certain things ‘cause it’s like it doesn’t matter what my past was or what we’re going through, I didn’t raise you that way,” she admitted. “So, it’s like, okay, maybe I was a little bit wrong. Maybe I was acting out a little bit. But I feel like as we grow older, I kinda see more, and I understand more.”
Chyna will be starring in season two of Fox's reality competition show Special Forces: World's Toughest Test.
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Feature image by Kevin Winter/Getty Images