Rebound relationships are interesting. And by "interesting," I mean "semi-dangerous." Not physically, but emotionally. Still, I think the reason why so many of us fall prey to them is because when we consider going on the rebound with someone, even if it's just subconsciously, I believe that a basketball game comes up in our mind. When someone misses a shot and someone else immediately comes behind them and makes it, that's a rebound. Not only is that harmless, it's celebrated.
Yeah, but our hearts and bodies aren't basketballs and love ain't a game. When a relationship ends—no matter who ended it or how we feel about it—we need to give ourselves some time to recover. To process what happened, to think about the role that we played in it, to figure out what we will do differently in the future—and to heal.
If we don't do this but, instead, feel the impact of a break-up and then hurry up and look for someone else to distract us or help us to get over it, there's a greater chance that we'll end up disappointed, if not completely disillusioned. As a direct result, we have the original relationship and the rebound to work through. Double the trouble. Double the drama. And sometimes, double the pain.
If you're still not convinced that rebounding is NOT the answer to a break-up, maybe the following six (other) reasons will convince you.
Your Motives Are (Usually) Off
Let's not romanticize why we get into rebound relationships. We do it because A) we don't want to really sit down and deal with the end of our relationship; B) we want someone to make us feel better about ourselves and/or the situation or C) both. That's understandable but what it boils down to is we're using someone to get us through something. And using an individual is never a healthy way to handle anything in life.
Plus, you can't really trust your discernment when you're broken or feeling insecure. It really is a podcast series all on its own, how much we would spare ourselves, if we didn't pick via our pain.
Motives speak to the foundation of a lot of things that we do. To try and build anything on a rebound is like having cracks in your foundation from the start.
You're Bringing Someone Else into Your Pain
GiphyWe've all seen a television show or movie where, someone has recently broken up with someone, went on a date with someone else and did nothing but talk about their ex the entire time. It's tacky and then some, but when you haven't given yourself enough alone time to work through things, it happens.
Even if you're got enough couth to not talk about your ex to the next guy, you'd be amazed how your actions could still possibly reveal that you're not over him. Your ex slept with someone else, so when the new guy texts with a smile in front of you, you're wondering if it's some other woman. Your ex was never on time, so when the new guy is even five minutes late, you immediately cop an attitude. Your ex didn't want the kind of commitment you did, so you try and rush the new guy into something serious three dates in. Or worse, you want the new guy to make up for all of the pain your ex caused you.
It's no one else's job or responsibility to heal you from what your ex did. But if you're quick to jump into a rebound relationship, you just might waste time (and lose a really great person) trying to prove otherwise.
The Best Way to Get Over Someone IS NOT to Get Under Someone Else
Michael Anthony (who was one of the people to end up with a love match on OWN's Ready to Love) has his own YouTube channel now. It's called The Distinguished Barbarian. I check it out from time to time and one episode that particular caught my attention was "Your Vagina Does Not Belong in a Casino." Between the title and him starting off with "Everybody, give me a moment of silence for the vagina" (as he wiped away a tear), I had to hear where he was coming from.
The gist? "God entrusts life through a woman's body and it comes out of the 'honey pot'. And then once the man comes out of the honey pot, what does he spend the rest of his life trying to do? Get back in the honey pot." Shoot, that alone should make us be very particular about who we get down with. The rest of the segment gets into the fact that many of us gamble with our vaginas because since we base a lot of things on emotion, we tend to make assumptions. We assume that because we're having sex with someone that they are on the same page with us when they may not even be in the same book (that's my phrasing not his, by the way).
That's why I'm not big on thinking that we should have sex with some "new" dude in order to get over an old one. For one thing, it's a slick form of using someone (how would you feel if some man had sex with you for the same reason?) and two, all you're doing is setting yourself up to be attached to another individual…which could put you into the position of getting hurt all over again. Remember, when we break our arm in the same place twice, it takes longer to heal. I think the same thing applies to our hearts.
You Should Focus Getting over Your Ex Instead
The reason why most of us rebound in the first place is so we don't have to dig deep and deal with what happened with our past relationship. But that's exactly what we should be doing. One reason is so we can process and (if necessary) forgive our ex; otherwise, we'll carry a lot of slow burn anger and bitterness (whether we realize it or not) around. Another reason is because, although it sometimes happens, it's not common for rebound relationships 1) be healthy and/or 2) to last. Usually, they're a form of expiration dating (you know, starting something that you already know has an expiration date on it). When they do come to an end, guess who you just may go back to? YOUR EX. Now you're back in an emotional cul-de-sac—if not a dead end—all over again.
Yeah, rather than using a rebound relationship as a Band-Aid, focus more on getting some space to get over your ex. That way, when you really are ready for something new, you'll be approaching it with a truly clean slate.
You Need Time to Heal—ALONE
GiphyIf you have a pattern of breaking up with guys and freaking out at the thought of being alone afterwards, you are one of the main people who needs to do just that—BE ALONE. I can't tell you how many people I've talked to who are absolutely miserable in their relationships because their partner is needy, clingy and looking for them to do things that they should be doing for themselves.
Break-ups suck. Trust me, I know. But if there is a silver lining, it's that it gives us all the opportunity to step back and say, "Wait. Who am I and what do I really want?" Not just out of love but out of life.
The time you're spending (or is it wasting?) getting caught up in another dude is the time you could be spending loving on yourself—so that the next guy you get with won't require you needing a rebound because you'll be in a space where you'll choose men and love differently.
Karma Is Real
I once read a quote from karma that said, "You will never understand the damage you did to someone until the same thing is done to you. That's why I'm here." Whatever happened in your past relationship, let karma handle it (and it will). But don't put yourself in the position where you could hurt someone else via a rebound. All that does is set you up for being on the receiving end of your own karma. I don't think you'll like it very much.
Rebound relationships may be a fun distraction for a season, but they tend to come with some pretty cryptic consequences. You'd be far better off breaking up and staying single for a while than getting into something just to be doing something.
Life and love ain't a game. Please choose wisely.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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RELATED
Being a bridesmaid. In some ways, I don’t know if there’s a tighter line to walk than being happy for a friend who has found her bae for life while you’re trying to figure out if and when your own time will come.
Well, since June, September and October (which are all steadily on their way) continue to be the most popular months for jumping the broom — if you are a lot like Corina (Javicia’s character in the movie) and you’re wondering if you’re gonna be purchasing bridesmaids dresses for others without a wedding gown for yourself for the rest of your life, here are a few things that I certainly hope you will keep in mind — things that I hope will cause you to see being a bridesmaid in the best light possible.
1. Bridesmaids Are “Marriage Cheerleaders.” That’s a Dope Thing.
GiphyIf you’re in a relationship that looks like it’s headed towards marriage, please check out “Why Every Engaged Couple Needs A 'Marriage Registry.'” As a marriage life coach, a marriage registry is actually something that I recommend engaged couples to have because it’s all about cultivating a support team for various areas of your marriage — and y’all, that’s basically what bridesmaids are. They’re not just a group of women who look cute in a dress at a wedding; they are individuals who have agreed to stand by a bride’s side as she shifts into becoming a wife.
Hmph. Don’t get me started on why, when it comes to selecting bridesmaids, it really shouldn’t be about your history with them so much as the relationship that they have with you and your soon-to-be husband in the present because, if they can’t have your marriage’s back, they really should be in the audience (if they are there at all).
For now, in order to stay on topic, I’ll just say that the best way to look at the role of a bridesmaid is to compare them to a cheerleader. Cheerleaders are individuals who are there to encourage teams in an enthusiastic and optimistic kind of way. And honestly, when someone you care about asks you to serve in this capacity on their wedding day, it’s an honor because they trust that you are happy for them, that you are in agreement with their decision and that you will keep them inspired and motivated well beyond the day that they say, “I do.”
And people who are in this type of head and heart space for someone else? How could good karma not come their way? Because when you know how to be thrilled for other people’s blessings, the universe finds a way of rewarding you for your selflessness.
Let’s keep going.
2. Weddings Ain’t Marriages. Marriages Ain’t Weddings. A Bride and Wife Are Not (Exactly) the Same.
GiphyHow many times have I said, somewhere, that while big expensive weddings ain’t personally my thing, if that’s what folks want to do, I certainly ain’t gonna knock it because, once the wedding day is over, that’s when the real work — which I prefer to see as maintenance (check out “Relationships Shouldn't Be 'Hard Work.' They Should Be Maintenance.”) — truly begins. Sadly, when it comes to this, some folks don’t have a clue.
Whew, I can’t tell you how many times I’ve told a woman that a bride is a bride for a day — a wife, though? That’s a whole ‘nother set of responsibilities entirely (which I will elaborate on in just a sec).
My point here? If you’re someone who has a collection of bridesmaid dresses in your closet and the question, “When is it going to be my turn?” is getting louder and louder in your head with every ceremony that you participate in — remember that what you are witnessing is an elaborate party that deserves to be a little over the top. After all, it’s a celebration of the decision that two people made to spend the rest of their lives together.
At the same time, though, never forget that the wedding day itself only lasts for a few hours and, once the festivities are over and they come back from their honeymoon, real life sets in. This means that what you need to really ask yourself is 1) are you caught up in the hype of the wedding, and 2) have you really thought about what is required to make a marriage work — and last. Because chile, although (and thankfully) most of the wives in my space do not regret getting married (check out “What Should You Do If You Feel Like You Married The Wrong Person?”), what easily 80 percent of them have told me is that they seriously underestimated what the day-to-day of marriage entails.
To further drive this point home, I actually asked five wives to share with me what they think is the difference between being a bride and being a wife.
Wife #1:“It’s selfish to think that your wedding day should be all about you and not your groom — but let’s be real: guys don’t really care about that stuff, and so a lot of the focus is on you, as the bride. If you think that’s what marriage is about, it can make you entitled and selfish. Then, when it’s all over and it’s time to be a wife, you will think that you still should be served all of the time without doing much work. You have to do daily work — every day of your life.”
Wife #2:“If I could do it over, I would have cut back on the wedding planner and put more money into longer premarital counseling because two one-hour sessions ain’t gonna cut it. Brides are hyper-focused on one day without really thinking about what follows. You need some therapy to get your mind right, because when I tell you that marriage will throw you all the way off if you’re not prepared? You have no idea.”
Wife #3:“I have single friends who say that they think they are missing out because they aren’t married. I love my husband and wouldn’t change a thing, but single people are crazy to think that there aren’t some perks to being single. Don’t let that big dress and diamond fool you. If you’re a good wife, you’ve earned them and you will have days and nights when you miss not being single anymore.”
Wife #4:“Being a bride is a fantasy. Being a wife is reality. I don’t have a better way to put it because who dresses up, gets gifts, and dances every single day? As a wife, what you do do every day is compromise, negotiate, and get challenged to become a better person. If you’re not ready for that, keep hanging out on rooftop bars with your single friends. I’m dead serious.”
Wife #5:“A bride is someone who lets the world know that she wants to be a wife. A wife is someone who puts that intent into action. The thing about a bride is she’s that for one day, but a wife has to keep showing up every day of her life for the rest of her life. It’s rewarding, but it takes more out of you than people think. People who envy wedding days usually want the attention, not the commitment.”
This comes from people who have lived it. So yeah, if you’re someone who fantasizes of becoming a wife one day, make sure that you ask yourself if you’re merging bride and wife together without really thinking about the sacrifices that wives make — because, as you can see, there are many, chile.
3. Every Relational Status Has Pros…and Concessions
GiphyI’m pretty sure you’ve heard someone say that you shouldn’t get too invested in the relationship goals that you see on social media. The main reason why is because most IG posts show you the good times without also sharing the blood, sweat, and tears that were required to make those times possible. Hmph. Not to mention the fact that every single relational status has its own pros and extreme compromises — and when it comes to compromising, when you’re married, because two people are involved, that is definitely the case.
I mean, as a single person, just think about it — you can take a trip without running it by someone else; you can spend money without consulting another person; you can make both little and large decisions without seeing how someone else feels about it; you can move without worrying about how it will directly affect another individual; you don’t have to divide your personal time unless you absolutely want to; there aren’t people who you have to be around, simply to make another person happy, and you don’t have to “meet in the middle” when it comes to certain values, goals or even traditions.
Listen, back when I wrote articles like, “10 Words That'll Make You Totally Rethink The Word 'Single'” and “10 Bona Fide Benefits Of Being Single,” I did it to remind as many people as I possibly can that as a marriage life coach, I will be the first to say that a healthy marriage is all kinds of awesome; HOWEVER, that doesn’t mean that being single ain’t super bomb too.
It’s all in how you choose to look at things. How are you?
4. Envy Is Love’s Enemy (Across the Board)
GiphyAlthough there’s no solid data on the percentage of bridesmaids who are jealous or envious of the bride on her big day, trust and believe that there is plenty of content out in cyberspace that addresses it. One forum that I checked out talked about a bride who had to deal with a bridesmaid who told her that she was jealous about not being selected to be the maid of honor.
An article featured the story of three friends (who honestly seemed low-key toxic prior to the wedding) who refused to be happy for the bride during her four-day wedding event. Another forum talked about a sister who was so consumed with wanting to be engaged that she was flippantly dismissive about her sister’s upcoming nuptials.
Ugh. Ugh to all of this because, although it’s understandable that you may want something that someone else has (we all do sometimes, if we’re gonna be completely real about it), one of the ugliest things about jealousy (the fear of losing what you have) and envy (being caught up in what someone else has) is they cause you to put all of the focus on you…even when it is completely the wrong place and wrong time to do so.
Since a single person doesn’t have a husband, what I am going to focus on (most) for this point is envy; especially since even the Good Book tells us that love doesn’t do that (I Corinthians 13:4).
Symptoms of being an envious person?
- You either don’t know how to or refuse to celebrate others
- You’re hypercritical of other people’s choices or decisions
- You spread false information in order to cause discord or confusion about other folks
- You give disingenuous or backhanded compliments
- You try to downplay the goodness and success of other people
All of this is pretty ugly, right? Hmph, no wonder the Bible says that envy can’t be present wherever love is. All of this actually reminds me of a quote that says something along the lines of “Envy is counting someone else’s blessings more than your own.” It also reminds me of a 10th Commandment (Exodus 20:17) which tells us not to covet, which not only means “to desire wrongfully, inordinately, or without due regard for the rights of others,” it also means “to wish for, especially eagerly.”
What’s a trip about coveting is that while it can mean that you want someone else’s groom (please don’t), it can also mean that you are so eager that you end up making reckless decisions, all because you envy what someone else has, in general. Listen, I’ve had a wife say to me before that the loneliest night in bed as a single woman beats a bad marriage any day. Again, as someone who has worked with married couples for well over 20 years at this point, I couldn’t agree more.
Don’t envy. It gets you absolutely nowhere…good.
5. Everyone’s Love Story Is Unique. Do Not Compare.
GiphyThere’s a Black-owned T-shirt and sweatshirt company called Lake + Prosper that features two tees that I think amplify my final point exquisitely well. One says, “My goal is to outdo me, not y’all,” and the other says, “own lane. own race. own pace.” At the end of the day, what both of these remind us all to do is not compare ourselves to others — this includes when it comes to our love story.
See, what else you’ve also got to keep in mind is when it comes to each person’s romantic relationship journey, there are SO MANY FACTORS that come into play — including timing. And timing is something that you really don’t have any control over (other than making sure that you do what you know needs to be done). And that’s why comparing the brides whose weddings you’ve been in to your own situation is, well, it reminds me of a quote on comparing by Iyanla Vanzant that I like a lot: “Comparison is an act of violence against the self.”
She ain’t lyin’ either because many mental health experts are quick to say that comparing yourself to other people is not only counterproductive but basically futile because it evokes negativity, causes you to feel inadequate, can make you want to beat yourself up, triggers feelings of resentment and it can make you put unrealistic pressure and expectations on yourself.
And gee—how is that good for your relationship with your soon-to-be married friends, how does that improve your relationship with your own self and also, how does that prepare you for the relationship that you will have with the love of your life…when everything that is necessary aligns and says that the time is right? IT. DOESN’T.
In an article that I once read on comparing, the author said something that is oh so very right: “By comparing ourselves to others we’re negating our own road and demanding that the past be different than what it was. The demands we place on ourselves to be like those we’re comparing ourselves may sometimes be motivations for change, however they are more likely to lead to feelings of diminished self-worth.”
Bottom line, as tempting as it may be sometimes, comparing works against you, not for you. Choose to celebrate, not compare.
____
Listen, being sick and tired of always being on the side of the bride instead of being beside your own groom can be human sometimes. I won’t take that away from you. Just make sure that you choose to keep certain facts in perspective: that just because it’s not your turn, that doesn’t mean your time isn’t coming; that negative feelings keep you further from what you desire, and that every person you care about who gets married before you deserves all of the love, encouragement and joy from you that they should reciprocate when your time comes. Stay positive. It’s good karma.
That said, instead of hating the thought of wearing another bridesmaid dress, determine to be fly as ever.
It’s one day closer to what you ultimately desire for yourself.
And a reminder that it can happen.
When and how it should.
Amen? Amen.
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