

Recently, while being interviewed for a podcast, I was asked about some of the topics I was currently writing about. When I shared this title, in particular, one of the hosts said, "Wow. That sure is specific." Indeed. Sometimes, a man can come along and make his mark on your libido in a way that can rock you to your very core. If you let him.
Although it's possible that I could be the only one on the planet who has been with one person, loved the snot out of them, and still felt all tingly inside whenever my mind wandered over to an ex (or two)—somehow I seriously doubt that. And since I like to do all that I can to help others to either avoid what I've been through (or sent myself through) altogether or help them get past it sooner, I felt like this was as good a time as any. Time to do what?
Time to provide some tips on how I was able to work through loving one man while still preferring (or missing) sex with another. It ain't (always) easy, but if you really want to move on (because you do want to…right?), it is indeed possible.
Here's how I did it.
So, You Know Good Sex Is Accessible Other Places, Right?
Some of y'all might be triggered by what I am about to mention. But you know how grandma (at least southern ones) used to say, "Hit dog will holler"? This might just be the case right here. Personally, I've never really been the person who subscribes to the whole "men are from Mars, women are from Venus" thing. We're human beings. At the same time, what I do, most definitely agree with, is the saying, "If two people are just alike, one of them is unnecessary". To be honest, this applies to gender differences too. Debate it all you want, but there is irrefutable evidence that there are certain things that make men and women different. For instance, like it or not, we produce more estrogen than guys do, and there are studies to support that the more estrogen that is in your system, the more likely you are to be emotional—and to emotionalize. That's not right or wrong. That's just the way it is.
Where am I going with all of this? Whenever I ask my male friends if they can recall the best sex (and/or head) they've ever received, basically all of them can call up a name, pretty much right off of the bat. But when I dig deeper to see why they aren't still "dealing" with that individual, they mention things that have absolutely nothing to do with the sex itself. Then they follow that up with, "Good sex ain't worth the headache. You can find good sex lots of places."
Yep. You sure can. Yet because a lot of us, as women, tend to tie our emotions into the act of sex, oftentimes separating the two issues isn't as easy for us. Even if our ex was a complete ass, if the sex was off the charts, some of us will still find a way to rationalize sleeping with our ex or, still remaining in some form of communication, just so the possibility of sleeping with them—or even getting back together with them—again can remain intact.
But if there's one thing that we can takeaway from a lot of men's mentality on this topic is, no matter how good sex with an ex may be, our ex doesn't have a monopoly on sexual satisfaction. Other men can please us too. Besides, the older and wiser we become, we tend to realize that good sex isn't just about what a man can do to our parts; it's about how well he "handles matters" across the board (see "What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be").
It's a low bar to hold onto someone who really isn't good enough for you, simply because he can make your toes tingle. Besides, the sooner you move that joker out of the way, the sooner you can give yourself fully to the man who is in your life now. The one who is a part of your present—not your past.
You Also Know That Your “Feenin’” Ain’t Just About the Sex…Right?
On the heels of the point that I just made, if you're already in a relationship with someone else, but Jodeci's "Feenin'" keeps running in the back of your mind, as far as your ex is concerned, you know that it's more than just being a-dick-ted, don't you? No matter how good he may have been at hittin' the right spots, unless you are a love-addict-in-denial (which leans to being extremely delusional when it comes to how you process romantic relationships), you are probably still longing for him for reasons that have little to do with what went down in the bedroom. So that leads me to asking you if you are completely over your ex, on the emotional tip? And if you're not, why aren't you?
Is it because he ended it and you didn't it? Is it because you weren't able to get the closure that you needed? Maybe the new guy that you're with is more of a rebound relationship than anything else. Perhaps, while you may love your current boyfriend, you feel like you are still in love with your former one (it's pretty difficult to be "in love" by yourself, by the way. Check out "Like, Love & In Love: How To Really Know The Differences" to get what I mean by that). Maybe you need to do something similar to what I did and go on a "heart pieces tour" in order to get the part of you that you still feel like belongs to your ex back. Whatever the case may be, please don't give your ex so much credit that you think the reason why you are still fantasizing about him and/or putting yourself in the position to potentially sabotage what you've currently got going on, is all because of how many orgasms he could give you. If you really stop to do some processing, I promise you that there is so much more going on with you than that. And the sooner you can get down to the bottom of it all, the better—for you and your current situation.
If You’re Still Dealing with Your Ex, Stop. (At Least for Now)
Personally, I'm not what I would call "friends" with any of my exes. Not friends in the way that I've grown to honor the word (check out "10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships"). Hmph. Come to think of it, if I had actually understood more about what true friendships require from the jump, they probably wouldn't have become a boy-friend in order to become an ex. But that's another Ted Talk for another time. Still, what I have made sure of is that there is peace between us. I don't think of them and instantly become pissed. I can run into them and ask, "How are you?" and genuinely mean it. If they needed something, including their own closure, and it didn't put me out of my own boundaries in order to help them out, I would. I'm healed and that's a good thing.
Still, at the same time, when I broke up with each of my exes, the perks that came with being a part of my world, they ended too. So, there's no need for any of them to get the benefits of still interacting with me if we've agreed that they aren't going to handle the responsibilities that come along with it as well. All that does is keep one or both of us stuck in the past instead of moving forward with our future.
That's why, while I do think that it is possible for exes to be cool and maybe even friends (someday), if you're currently still preferring anything about your ex to the point where you can't seem to let those thoughts go or it's affecting/infecting your current relationship, you need to break ALL forms of communication/interaction with that guy. No phone calls. No texting. No slick stalking him on social media. No listening to Heather Headley's "In My Mind" on loop. None of that.
Sometimes, when we're in a relationship with someone but we're still struggling to get over our ex, on any level, it's not about how much we are tied to the past of the relationship. The relationship sucked and we know it. But since we keep staying in the same place, emotionally, with that individual, we can make the need for them in our lives far bigger than it needs to be. In the bedroom and out of it.
In This Case, It Is Beneficial to Do Some Comparing
While typically, I'm not the biggest fan of making comparisons, especially when it comes to comparing past and current loves (talk about falling down a rabbit hole), if you're still sexually hung up on your ex, I will make an exception and recommend it in this case. Now, I'm not saying that you should compare body parts and sexual styles (sometimes, that's an unfair match, from the start). What I am saying is that you should really think about the pros and cons of both men and both relationships. The best way to do that is to take sex, totally out of the equation.
I'll give you an example from my own sexual past. There is one guy who was really good in bed. You know what else he was? A total ego maniac. I remember one of the last times that we had sex, it was in a hotel and there was an entire wall made out of a mirror behind the bed. Did you know that at least 80 percent of the time, this ninja was looking at himself in the mirror while we were doing it? It was right at that moment when I was like, "Oh…my orgasms aren't about me. They're about your narcissism and how it makes you feel to make me feel good. Got it." And when that ding, ding, ding finally settled into my psyche, it was easier to separate how good the sex was from how much of a jerk he was (and he was a Grade A jerk, chile).
When it comes to the guy who you are currently with, while he might not be able to make you sexually feel like your ex did (at least, not yet), if you separate the sex from the relationship, what does he do that your ex was never able to quite master?
Does he treat you better? Is he more attentive? Does he take proactive measures to make you feel wanted, appreciated and adored better than your ex did? Is he more honest and faithful? Maybe, unlike your ex, your new love desires the same things that you do in life. Perhaps, unlike your ex, he complements your life more, improves you rather than tries to change you and, with him, you just don't have to try so damn hard to make it work.
Sometimes, when trying to get over sex with an ex, we underestimate the foreplay that comes before the actual act. I don't mean sexual foreplay. I mean how a man treats us that makes us feel cherished, honored and closer to him. Even if you do prefer the act of sex with your ex (again, for now), when it comes to your current and present man, does he treat you better? Outside of the bedroom? Because if he does, that is going to prove to be of far more value. Trust me.
Great Lovers Aren’t (Always) Born. Sometimes They’re Taught.
You know something that my past 14 sex partners (and an almost 14-year bout of abstinence) has taught me? That sometimes, when it comes to who we qualify as being our best in bed, they are able to hold that position because we're lazy. Now hear me out here. What I mean is, there are some people who semi-rocked my world when it came to sex because there was either an already-established strong emotional connection or because our energy and chemistry were indescribable. It wasn't so much about "skills" or "technique" as it was that our synergy was so on point. This meant that we didn't really have to go out of our way to blow each other's minds. Honestly, that had already transpired before even touching.
Coming to this resolution meant that I could let go of the belief that no man would be able to make me feel that way again. It wasn't so much that the greatest lovers that I've ever had were naturally that way. We just "fit" differently than I did with other guys. The good news about that is, once I accepted that they weren't great lovers "just because" but it was more about how we worked together, I could accept that I really could move on. This meant that while the next guy may not be as "automatic" as men in the past, if we are willing to work together to please each other, we can have some pretty amazing sex too. It might not be the same—no two people ever are—but it can be its own kind of amazing. In a different way.
Do I think that it's possible to love one person and still desire someone else? Yep. But if you discover that is what's going on with you, I don't think you should just stew in that resolve. You can't change the past, but what you can do is give your present a fighting chance by not giving your ex so much power that you can't open yourself up to all of the possibilities that you can experience with your new man.
Because I promise you one thing. No matter how good your ex may have thought sex was with you, once he's ready to move on, he will do just that. He will be fine with you being a memory and cultivating some new ones with the next. So really—why not also do the same, sis? Sooner than later too.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
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After Decades-Long Career, Terri J. Vaughn Is Finally The Main Character: Exclusive
Terri J. Vaughn first captured our attention in the late ‘90s as Lovita Alizay Jenkins on The Steve Harvey Show. Decades later, she is starring in her very own series, She The People, which is now available to stream on Netflix.
The political sitcom, which she co-created with Niya Palmer and later teamed up with Tyler Perry Studios, is about a Black woman named Antoinette Dunkerson who runs for lieutenant governor of Mississippi. She wins and becomes the state’s first Black lieutenant governor. Now, she’s forced to balance working with a racist and sexist governor while also trying to keep her family from running amok.
According to the beloved actress, this project was a long time coming. “I’ve been trying to get my own television series for like 20 years, pounding the pavement, meeting with people, getting clothes, being lied to, just a whole bunch of stuff,” she says in an exclusive interview with xoNecole.
“But just keep going, because this is what I do. This is what I love, and I know how important it is for us to continue to show up and make sure that we are seen, make sure that our voices are heard. For several reasons. I just never give up. So here I am, 20 years later, finally sold my show.”
She The People is inspired by the true story of London Breed, who became the first Black female mayor of San Francisco, Terri’s hometown. And to help make the show more authentic, the Cherish the Day actress tapped former Atlanta mayor, Keisha Lance Bottoms to come on as a producer.'“I’ve been trying to get my own television series for like 20 years, pounding the pavement, meeting with people, getting clothes, being lied to, just a whole bunch of stuff."
After bringing the former mayor aboard, it was time to pitch again. And this time, the companies were pitching them. Ultimately, Terri decided to work with Tyler Perry on the series.
“We decided to do it with Tyler for several reasons. I love that. Well, most of the companies we met with were Black-owned companies, but he was the only studio,” she explains. “Tyler is like Walt Disney. That's literally what he is. He has the studio, he has the content. He operates just like Walt Disney.”
And thanks to the cast, the show is nothing short of laughs. The series also stars social media creator Jade Novah as Antoinette’s crazy cousin/ assistant, Shamika, Family Mattersstar Jo Marie Payton as Anotinette’s mom, Cleo, and Terri’s husband, Karon Riley, who plays Michael, her driver and love interest.
While we’ve watched Terri’s career blossom in various ways. From directing to producing, and playing diverse characters, the mom of two says her The Steve Harvey Show character will always be her favorite.
“Well, Lovita was definitely my favorite, especially for my time, the age and everything that I was. Now as a grown ass woman over 50, Antoinette Dunkerson is everything that I've wanted to play. She's everything. She's a mother of two teenagers. She's divorced, so she's co-parenting with her ex-husband. She has to wrangle in a very eclectic family,” she says.
“So I like playing characters that are really flawed and trying to figure it out and doing their best to try to figure it. And she's very flawed and she is trying to figure it out, and she fucks up sometimes. But her heart and what she's trying to do and what her vision is and purpose, it's all for the people. I mean, she the people. She’s for the people, she is the people.”
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