Married Folks: Ever Wonder If Your Sex Life Is "Normal"?
Normal. Geeze. I was recently talking to a 90-plus-year-old woman and she was literally crying as she was sharing with me how crazy the world is to her now. In the midst of her thoughts, she even said, "And I was born before the Civil Rights movement." Shoot, I've only been on the planet less than half of the amount of time that she has and I feel the same way. What even is "normal" anymore? Whew.
This is a part of the reason why I think it's interesting that sometimes I'll be working with a married couple who will ask me if their sex life is "normal" or not. Off the rip, it already lets me know that there is probably less sex in the relationship than there should be. It also confirms that sexual patterns, in marital unions, aren't discussed, nearly as much as they probably should be.
So today, let's dig in. When it comes to the standard, what is common and considered natural about marriage and sex, what does it mean to have a so-called normal sex life?
First Up: Sex Needs to Be a Top Priority
I believe I've shared before that a huge flag in counseling sessions that I notice is when a person (it's usually the wife, I'm gonna be real) shares a long speech about how sex shouldn't be a main focus in a marital relationship; that once you've been together for more than a couple of years, it's not that big of a deal. What in the world? WHAT. IN. THE. WORLD? I will say it until the end of time (because that's just about how much I believe it)—one of the main things that should set your marital relationship apart from all others is the fact that you have sex with your spouse. The Bible backs it (I Corinthians 7:5, for starters). Research reveals it (many studies state that married sex is much more fulfilling). It's kinda irrefutable.
So, before getting into if your sex life is normal or not, I have to say that if you're currently not having sex—and you're physically capable of doing so—then that is already pretty problematic. The first thing to do is accept that fact. The next move is to ask yourself—and your partner—why that is your current reality. Because, what is abnormal, is not having sex with your spouse at all. It's not the standard. It's not a common thing (15-20 percent of people are in sexless marriages). It's not considered natural. And again, it's because, if there's any relational dynamic where sex is supposed to be a very top priority, marriage would be it.
How Often Do Married Couples Have Sex (on Average)?
OK, with that out of the way, let's get into how often married folks, on average, actually have sex. Well, according to a particular survey that happened to get a lot of media traction, 25 percent of couples copulate once a week. 16 percent say they do it 2-3 times a week. 17 percent said once a month. 7 percent said 1-2 times in the past year (geeze). 5 percent said more than five times each week (by the way, if you think this is all about "young folks", another survey revealed that 25 percent of women over the age of 70 actually "engage" in sexual activity a whopping four times a week). So clearly, it appears that far more couples are out here doing it and doing it well (hopefully) about once a week. And guess what? The ones who are, they tend to have a pretty fulfilling sex life and are happier in their relationship than those who have sex less than that.
You know what all of this means, right? If you're wondering how "normal" your sex life is, if you're having sex once a week, for the most part, you're all good. In fact, you're doing better than A LOT of folks out here.
What Are Some Red Flags That Your Sex Life Has Gone Awry?
And what if you're not having sex that much? Is it a cause for concern? Yes. And no. The reason why that answer is a bit of a mixed bag is because, as we all know, there are factors that play a role in how this all plays out. Work. Kids. Hectic schedules. Things like these are what can cause marital sex to have seasons, for sure. However, if it's been months of the same and not one thing has changed, that isn't something to just shrug off. It is definitely a red flag.
Let's explore a few others:
You have no interest in sex. If you didn't have any interest in eating or sleeping, we would say that's a problem, right? Along these same lines, sex needs to be treated as a staple in a marital union. So, if you suddenly have no interest in engaging in it, that isn't something that you should simply shrug off. See your doctor first. Be open to seeing a therapist after. Sexual disinterest doesn't typically "just happen". There is usually an underlying cause. Be intentional about discovering what they may be.
You keep making excuses to not have sex. George Washington Carver once said, "Ninety-nine percent of the failures come from people who have the habit of making excuses." That said, please believe that a lack of physical intimacy continues to be a leading cause of divorce. Typically, we make up excuses either because we don't want to take any personal accountability or we're looking for a way to distract and "buy more time". When it comes to sex specifically, it's not long before our partner either gets super frustrated or feels extremely rejected because of our excuses—neither is healthy or beneficial. So, if you're making excuses to not have sex, what are you skirting around? What is it that you're trying your hardest to not address? Don't excuse it. Get to the root of it.
You constantly fantasize about other people during sex. There are some things in life that none of us want to admit and yet, most of us actually do or have done at some point. Fantasizing about another person during sex is on this list. Am I a fan of it? Not really. I just get that it sometimes naturally transpires. Still, if you are at a point where you've got to rely on the image of another individual—whether you personally know them or not—don't take this lightly either. Sex is supposed to connect your mind, body, and spirit to your partner. That's hard to do when your mind is wandering off…elsewhere.
You find sex with your partner boring. I'll tell you what—a word that folks underestimate as being a top cause of a relationship's demise is "boring". Something that is boring is dull. Something that is boring is tedious and repetitious. Something that is boring is unwelcome. And yes, sex can most certainly become boring, even if you find your spouse to be attractive, even if you love them to pieces. So, if you've been dodging sex more and more, being bored is another thing to consider.
Could it possibly be because Black Twitter and Hulu seem a whole lot more exciting than going into your bedroom? If so, what are you trying to do to change that (check out "This Is How To Create The Best Kind Of 'Sex Bucket List'", "8 'Kinds of Sex' All Married Couples Should Put Into Rotation", "15 Sex Hacks To Take Your Bedroom Action To The Next Level", "10 Married Couples Share The Keys To Their Totally Off-The-Chain Sex Life" and "10 Things Couples Who (Consistently) Have Great Sex Do")? Sexual boredom doesn't just…go away. Creativity must be cultivated in order to reignite sexual sparks.
Your partner is the only one who initiates. There are some spouses I know who are fine with having sex, so long as their spouse is the one who initiates it all of the time. Otherwise, they can easily go weeks and months without it. Not only is this unfair to their partner, but it's also a red flag because having a desire for sex—yes, to the point of sometimes wanting to initiate it yourself—is a very natural thing. If you can't remember the last time you came on to your husband, what's up with that? Whether it's ego, habit, or something else, your man deserves to feel wanted and desired, just as much as you do. Your lack of initiating is producing the opposite effect. That is nothing to feel good—or flippant—about.
5 Tips to Get Your Sex Life Back on Track
Figure out where things went "wrong". Believe you me, I know more than a few couples whose sex lives derailed from the wedding night on (one day, we'll explore that). However, they are actually the exception and not the rule. A huge part of a healthy relationship is having good sexual chemistry, so if you consider your marriage to be thriving overall, this means that your boudoir at least used to be too. What happened? Not in general—specifically? What caused you to have a lot less sex than you used to—whether that's several times a week, once a week, or even a few times a month? You can't fix anything until you know exactly what is wrong. Sex journaling may help you to get down to the core issues. You can learn more about what that is by checking out "The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)".
Talk to your partner. When a married couple signs up to be with each other for the rest of their lives, for better or for worse, their sex life was certainly not exempt. Your spouse should be the first person you can go to, especially if you are sexually dissatisfied, distressed, or disconnected. Whether it's something that has absolutely nothing to do with the bedroom itself (which isn't uncommon) or there is a sexual concern that is brewing within you (check out "Are You A Good Sexual Communicator? You Sure?"), you're not going to be able to make sex better all by yourself. Take your concerns to your partner. Preferably not during sex or even when he's trying to initiate it (no one likes rejection or constant critiquing). Choose a time when you're both calm and relaxed and able to have an open and honest discussion.
Bring some seduction into your relationship. How good are you at seducing your partner? The art of seduction is all about attracting, enticing, and even persuading. When you've been caught up in the routine of marriage for a while, you can find yourself not wanting to create ambiance, be romantic or come up with ways to make the thousandth time feel like the first one. Yet I don't know one husband on this planet who doesn't do a double-take when his wife meets him at the door with barely anything on in a room that is filled with nothing but candles. When's the last time that happened in your house? Hmm.
Make time for sex. Any time a husband or wife tries to tell me that they don't have time for sex, I promise you that I give them the biggest eye roll. You have time to go to work. You have time to eat. You have time to talk on the phone to your friends and scroll through your social media pages. Know why? Because these things are priorities to you. Know why else? Because each of these activities is able to offer up some sort of a payoff in your mind. It takes men, on average, five minutes to climax and us, on average, 25. There are 168 hours every week. You've got 30 minutes each week to make something happen. It's all about if sex is a priority to you—or not. If it's not, it most definitely should be.
See intimacy, not as a want but as a relational need. Sex is an essential part of marriage. I'm thinking that we all can agree on that, right? Well, if it's a part of what makes a marriage, a marriage, shouldn't sex be seen as a need more than "a want"? If that sounds ridiculous to you, there are actually some states that will grant a divorce based on a lack of sex due to it being seen as the alienation of affection and/or constructive abandonment. Why? Because, in most instances, when two people decide to marry one another, it is understood that sex is a part of the relationship—that sex is needed in order for the relationship to flourish.
When we actually stop seeing sex as just "a fun thing to do" and rather it as a foundational element for a marriage to thrive, it tends to shift from being just a want to a bona fide need. And what we need, we figure out how to get it. We strive to cultivate some sense of sexual "normalcy" in our lives. And our marriage is all the better, directly so, for it.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Navigating Dating When Emotionally Unavailable & Detached: My Journey Back To Feeling
The last time I came with a dating story, I told you I got my little feelings hurt in 2021. I called myself trying to be out in these streets entertaining a man in a different area code, city, and state — only for homeboy to play in my damn face. So, I went and gave y’all "8 Rules To Casual Dating Every Woman Should Know This Summer." You’re welcome. Fast forward to 2024, and I am now coming to you from a more mature and intentional place. We’re not in summer yet, but I truly believe what blooms in spring, thrives in summer.
2023 was my year, and it was my turn. I had just completed an 8-month holistic detox. The glow-up was real and well-deserved. The way I have poured into myself is unmatched. Let me tell you, self-love is a love you have never known. After a five-year healing journey, I finally felt like myself again, and I was ready to play. My heart was open, my mind was clear, and my body hella transformed. I had told all my friends that I was ready to explore dating again, and at the height of summer, I did exactly just that.
This time I decided I wanted to take my time. I wanted to date the “right way” or the “healthy way.” You know, keep your options open, ask the right questions, believe actions and not words, observe patterns and pay attention to red, yellow, and green flags. I was never the dating app type of girl. I sincerely miss everything about human connection and dating from 2000 to 2012. Can we please bring all of that back into 2024? I prefer to feel a man’s energy and presence in real-time. Nonetheless, I still chose to dabble with a few dating apps. I was all the way outside and dating for practice.
Unfortunately, with today’s dating culture, social climate, and how some of these men move and/or behave, these dates were a dead end. Not one guy made it to my roster. What these men were was benched this season – not one of them could be my first-round select draft pick. It didn't seem like anyone I met was interested in a serious relationship. And it’s completely fine. Miss me with the ghosting, lack of effort, inconsistency, and poor communication. I continued to just do me because what is for me will not miss me.
Kelvin Murray/ Getty Images
The universe must have heard me talking because I had specifically told my closest girlfriends that I wanted to meet someone who lived in the vicinity, no more than twenty minutes away, and no more long distance. And I did meet him (it’s crazy how I manifest exactly what I want). As we started to get to know each other, I liked his energy and effort. I liked the direction it seemed to be going to the point my girlfriends had to tell me not to run from him. Because every part of me wanted to run from something that seemed normal.
I liked what he was coming with until I became uncomfortable with my own feelings, and I didn’t know how to communicate them to him.
With that said, I knew if I truly wanted to experience the truest of loves, a reciprocal, requited love, and be in a healthy relationship this story had to come to a pause. What I didn’t know was that he was going to show me things I didn’t know I needed to work on. I didn’t know he inadvertently was going to help me continue to heal parts of me that were hidden.
As someone who has learned to self-heal, I am no longer the type that runs from herself. I am here for the growth.
The truth is I am emotionally detached from myself, and I am not actively dating at the moment. I am the one that has to work on herself. My reiki healer called it, too – she told me this year would not be a year for a relationship, but a year of continuous growth. And now I see why. After all the healing work I have done thus far – I am an unemotional mess. How?
At my big age of 39, I struggle to communicate my wants and needs.
I still struggle to communicate and process uncomfortable feelings. I would rather give myself anxiety, act nonchalantly, emotionally react, and choose non-communication when I am bothered with someone than address the issue (I will later explain why). I have been ignoring my feelings for so long it has become a habit, a defense mechanism, and more so a trauma response.
If you are someone like me who grew up in a household that didn’t discuss feelings, your emotional needs were unmet, and you don’t feel safe to share your feelings – emotional detachment is quite common.
Oftentimes, we always talk about men being emotionally unavailable, but what if it’s a woman who is emotionally unavailable or emotionally detached? How does she navigate herself, dating, or being in a relationship? As I navigate my emotions this season, let’s explore what it means to be emotionally detached, the signs of detachment, and how to reconnect with yourself emotionally.
Emotional Unavailability vs. Emotional Detachment
When we look at the terminology emotional unavailability and emotional detachment, one might argue that the two terms are interchangeable and have the same meaning. One could also argue that both terms mean that some people are not in tune with their emotions or lack the emotional capacity to be responsive to someone else’s emotions. Fair enough. However, there is a big difference. The definition of emotional unavailability is described as people who have difficulty with sharing their emotions and being receptive to the emotions of those around them.
According to Verywell Mind, signs of emotional unavailability can look like being distant or cold, lack of closeness, and emotional intimacy in relationships, inability to understand and relate to others’ feelings, defensiveness when asked to change or let others in, tendency to shut down or avoid topics that require emotional openness, or withdrawal from people or situations that provoke emotional reactions.
Whereas emotional detachment is defined as the inability to or willingness to connect with others on an emotional level. Furthermore, Psychology Today states emotional detachment can also mean that people do not engage with their feelings. Exhibit A – me. Emotional detachment has various causes – past neglect, childhood or adult trauma, PTSD, depression, personality disorder, bipolar disorder, substance abuse, or, in some cases, medication (i.e. antidepressants). It is important to note emotional detachment is a complex issue. For someone like me, it’s a coping mechanism.
It is easier for me to ignore uncomfortable feelings to protect myself from stress or getting hurt. Hence, my nonchalant demeanor. It is also true for some people it is a reaction to trauma, abuse, and unprocessed emotions. Exhibit B – me. As it is difficult for me to open up about my feelings at the moment. On the contrary – emotional detachment can be helpful in navigating some situations like listening to people’s opinions and gossip.
Unfortunately, emotional detachment is not a behavior that can be turned on and off at will. Please note that emotional detachment is NOT a mental health diagnosis but can be a symptom of a mental health condition such as an attachment disorder. And if you know anything about attachment theory, it is related to the relationship we develop in our childhood with our primary caregivers.
Signs You're Emotionally Detached
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According to Psychology Today and Verywell Mind, general signs of emotional detachment can look like difficulty showing empathy to others, sharing emotions, committing to a relationship, feeling numb, poor listening skills, lack of self-esteem, preferring to be alone, struggling to feel positive emotions, inability to identify emotions, lack of physical, verbal, or sexual contact and losing touch with people or maintaining connections.
In a romantic relationship, emotional detachment shows up as you or your partner not being available for connection, poor communication, or reduced affection.
For me, my experience with emotional detachment is collective. I am an empath to my core. I don’t have a problem relating to other’s feelings or circumstances. I don’t have commitment issues, nor do I have an issue connecting with others or maintaining those connections. I struggle with sharing emotions, at least the negative ones.
Due to the emotional abuse from my childhood and a toxic relationship, I learned sharing emotions just wasn't the safe thing to do. As a survivor of trauma, I learned to suppress feeling negative emotions in general as a form of protection.
How To Reconnect To Your Emotions When You're Emotionally Unavailable
Serious Kid Cudi GIF by Apple MusicGiphyExploring my emotional side in-depth started late last year simply by noticing my reaction to something that he did. I didn’t know how to properly communicate to him how I was feeling or what he did bothered me in the moment. So, I swallowed my feelings and said absolutely nothing. I intentionally chose to avoid the issue. I chose to rationalize the situation instead of acknowledging that my feelings at the time were valid. I chose to act like everything was all good because it was all good.
“It wasn’t that deep to begin with” is what I told myself. And this is where the problem lies.
The saying is true, “What happens in your childhood shows up in your adult relationships.” I came to realize that because I was not able to express my feelings as a child, I struggled to process them. I either hold back my feelings, take a long time to say how I feel, or don’t say anything at all. This is because I fear people will walk away from me like my mother did if I share what I truly feel. I fear my feelings won’t be validated, or they will be rejected.
With that said, I was completely unaware that I was emotionally detached from myself until recently. So, here we are with this article. It all started by reading Instagram’s @theholisticpsychologist, Dr. Nicole LePera’s newest book How to Be the Love You Seek: Break Cycles, Find Peace, and Heal Your Relationships, which was released on November 28, 2023. As I read through the first chapter, I became triggered.
How Dr. LePera describes her childhood with her parents and experiences with her romantic partners somewhat mirrored my experiences with my own parents and relationships. As Dr. LaPera stated in her book, I have no issue showing up for others or meeting their needs and wants. But when it comes to expressing my own needs and wants – I cannot or I don’t. This is mainly due to my hyper-independence.
At an early age, I learned to show up for myself because the people I trusted to show up for me failed. Given my home environment, I had internalized it is not safe to talk about feelings. I never knew my emotional responses and behavior were abnormal. But because I am willing to continue to do my inner work, I know that I can reconnect to my emotions, and undo four decades of repressed emotions.
If you are someone like me who struggles with emotional connection with yourself and others, here is how you go about it:
Lighthouse Films/ Getty Images
1. Know Your Attachment Style
For me, the first step was to understand my attachment style. I asked my therapist if she could help me identify my attachment style to understand my triggers. She recommended The Attachment Theory Workbook by Annie Chen, LMFT. My therapist administered the associated online quiz – Attachment Quiz. If you haven’t figured out my attachment style yet by reading this article, I have an anxious attachment style.
This means I don’t do well with inconsistent behavior, especially from men (but I’m the type that holds men to standards too). People with an anxious attachment style have a need to feel close to their partner. It may come across as “clingy” or “needy.” However, this same need is often driven by fear of abandonment, mistrust, and low self-esteem. I would say knowing your attachment style is helpful because you can work towards having a secure attachment style (with practice) in your relationships – familial, business, work, platonic, or romantic.
2. Become Self-Aware
Most people who are not in the practice of self-care or self-healing are unaware of their triggers, patterns, and behaviors. We are so caught up in the daily minutiae of life that we forget to pay attention to the most important part of our days — ourselves. As Dr. LePera says, make it a conscious habit to pause throughout your day to check in with yourself. Ask yourself:
- How does my body feel?
- What am I doing right now?
- Am I present?
- Am I distracted and lost with other thoughts?
- What do I think or feel when I recall a specific experience with someone?
- What do I think or worry about?
- What would happen if I shared my authentic thoughts, perspective, feelings right now?”
This is what Dr. LePera refers to as exploring your embodied self or fulfilling your authentic needs in chapter two of her book. Consistent mindfulness and self-awareness are key to self-discovery and in any healing journey. Learning to focus on the present moment also includes paying attention to our emotional response to an event or how we think about emotions in general.
3. Practice Vulnerability
The idea of vulnerability is a tough one for me and so many other women for countless reasons. Whether it be toxic family, friendships, relationships, or trauma – trusting others with your thoughts and feelings is not easy. As much as I am open and transparent, I am not as vulnerable. And I believe there is so much power in the duality to be both. To trust someone, let alone a man with your authentic self is a delicate matter.
But it is emotional vulnerability that allows us humans to build authentic connections, create stronger relationships, and break down emotional walls. Emotional vulnerability is not something to be rushed – it takes time and practice from you and the people you choose to have in your life. Medical News Today suggests that we can learn to be vulnerable by opening up more to our closest friends, building our ability to become more trusting, and developing skills to regulate our emotions.
4. Seek Therapy
I have been in therapy for six years and counting. I would consider therapy one of my safe spaces. I am one of those individuals who recommend therapy to everyone as it has given me the tools and resources I need to navigate my life challenges. By choosing to get help, I was able to put my PTSD and depression in remission for four years now. I have also learned how to manage my anxiety.
I am fully aware that in this season of my life requires me to do the work to unlock new levels of self. And any time where I have consciously chosen growth – the universe or life has not failed me. I was able to heal my body, my heart, and my spirit. Now, it’s time to heal my inner child, this hurt little girl who lives in me.
I will say choosing a therapist is similar to dating; you might go through a few potentials until you find a therapist you connect with. Actually, one of my lifelong friends said to me the other day, “Your relationship with your therapist is one of the most important relationships in your life.” I needed her to say that, and I needed to hear it because it’s true. You are essentially trusting a licensed stranger to help you navigate your life on so many levels.
Be picky and ask the questions. Cut the cord at the first red flag given. Again, let me reiterate that emotional detachment is not a mental health diagnosis. It can be treated with the help of a therapist. Emotional detachment only becomes a problem when it starts to interfere with your daily life. Pay attention to changes in your daily behavior and make decisions to cope accordingly.
I am genuinely excited about reconnecting with my emotions. I want to feel all the feels – good, bad, and indifferent. I want to cry all the tears – especially the sad ones. I want to process and release negative emotions. I want to say how I feel in the moment with no fear.
If you are that girl who struggles with emotional connection or thinks you're emotionally detached, I hope that you become willing to face your inner child and show up for her. Don’t run – she has been waiting for you.
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