I’ve always enjoyed movies. Since forever, I used to really like going to the movie theater, yet maybe it’s just me, but since the pandemic, it seems like the quality of films has gone down. That’s why, these days, I watch a lot of indie stuff at home. Not too long ago, I checked out this movie called She’s Lost Control; between it and a conversation that I had with a friend of mine, who also works in the mental health field, I was inspired to pen this piece.
There are a few reasons why I thought it was important to tackle this topic. One is because, as a life coach, I think it’s important that people learn about as many avenues as possible that are available to them when it comes to professional support for their overall mental (and emotional) health and well-being. Two, if you hang out on this side of cyberspace on a fairly consistent basis, you know that I talk about sex quite often. And three, lawd, if there is one thing that I think a lot of people have a TOTAL MISCONCEPTION about, it’s sex therapy.
So, if sex therapy is something that you’ve always been curious about and/or you’re wondering if it’s something that could benefit you and/or your partner, I’m going to try and share some facts and also debunk a few myths about it, so that you can gain about more clarity about an ever-evolving form of sex-and-relationship-related treatment.
Let’s Talk About What a Sex Therapist ACTUALLY Does
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So, let’s jump right on in. Before getting into the actual “sex” part, it should go on record that, like any other therapist, a sex therapist is someone who is a licensed healthcare provider. The thing that sets them apart is they specialize in the mental and emotional aspects as they directly relate to sex. What does that mean exactly? Well, say, for example, that you’re currently in a sexless marriage and, even though you and your spouse have been seeing a marriage therapist, counselor, or even a marriage counselor, it doesn’t seem like your sex life is improving — that is when a sex therapist might be able to be of assistance to you. That’s because they are specially trained to deal with things like:
- Sexual trauma
- Sexual incompatibility
- Poor sexual communication surrounding sex
- Religious and cultural differences about sex
- Poor body image issues (as they directly relate to your sexuality)
- Sexual anxiety
- Sexual orientation and gender identity
A sex therapist is also trained in how to help you connect any “blocks” that you may have as it relates to how your mental and emotional state may be directly affecting your sexual appetite or even your ability (or inability) to have an orgasm or when it comes to your partner, his ability to get or maintain an erection.
When it comes to that last part, does that mean that sex therapists get sexually involved with their clients in any way? Ah, I’m so glad that you asked.
What People Oftentimes Mistake a Sex Therapist for Is a Sex Surrogate
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One day, while I was talking to a friend of mine (the one whom I referred to in the intro), the topic of sex therapy came up. He asked me if I would ever consider becoming a sex life coach since sex is something that I talk about so often/much. When I told him that it was certainly something worth considering, his immediate response was, “How are you gonna do that if you’re abstinent?” Dude what? At first, I didn’t get where he was going with that; then, I realized that he thought a sex therapist and a sex surrogate were the same thing. In fact, he argued me down about it for about 15 minutes (SMDH). I came to realize that a lot of people confuse the two. If you’re one of them, here’s the deal about sexual surrogacy.
Okay, so the movie that I also talked about in the intro? It’s about a woman who was a sex surrogate. Long story short, she ended up getting emotionally caught up in one of her clients, and that caused things to get…strange. And yes, she was someone who slept with those she worked with (at least, some of them).
Why would she do that?
Well, a sex surrogate is someone who works alongside a licensed sex therapist to assist a client with certain types of sex-related issues.
For instance, if the therapist thought that talking wasn’t enough for someone, they might bring a surrogate in to assist in the realm of things like:
- Body mapping (check out “Why 'Vaginal Mapping' Needs To Be Part Of Your Healing Journey”)
- Sex-related mediation (check out “What Exactly Is 'Orgasmic Meditation'?”)
- Senate focusing (which is an intensified form of sexual communication)
- Elevated sex education
- One-way or mutual nudity
- One-way or mutual touching
- Genital-genital contact — which, yes, can involve sex
Typically, what happens is a client will meet with a sex therapist for an hour and then their assigned sex surrogate for 1-2 hours following that session (sometimes the same day or later in the same week). That way, the therapist can help to monitor the progress between the client and the surrogate.
And who does sex surrogacy benefit the most? While there is still quite a bit of research that’s being conducted to thoroughly answer that question, those who are unable to climax, who deal with erectile dysfunction, or those who experience some sort of discomfort during sex (that isn’t health-related), especially if they are sexual trauma survivors, they all tend to top the list.
Now, something else that should go on record is sexual surrogacy is still a pretty controversial form of therapy and is currently considered to be unethical for those who are psychotherapists to practice. However, since a lot of sex surrogates aren’t actually licensed therapists (again, they are people who work with those who are professionals in the field of therapy), that tends to be their “workaround."
Anyway, if sex surrogacy is something that you would be interested in learning even more about or exploring at some point, speak with a sex therapist. If they are reputable, this is a topic that they should be pretty well-versed in.
What You Should Strongly Consider Before Seeing a Sex Therapist
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Now that, hopefully, you know the very clear differences between a sex therapist and a sex surrogate, if a sex therapist is something that you would like to invest in, you might be wondering if there are any additional things that you should know before actually booking an appointment.
I’ll say this — as a marriage life coach, sex comes up quite a bit in my sessions. If you’re someone who is shy around the topic of sex, although a sex therapist is trained in how to make you feel more comfortable, you should know upfront that you’re going to have to be prepared to be very open when it comes to things like your childhood; first sexual experience; any sex-related trauma that may have transpired; some of your deepest/hidden sexual thoughts; your sex partners (both past and present); your sex habits, and sex-related goals.
Yep, they are gonna be all up in your business, so if that’s not something that you’re even the least bit cool with, it’s probably best that you go with a relationship therapist/counselor/life coach — at least initially, to see if your issues can be resolved in that type of setting or so they can “ease you into” seeing a sex therapist.
It's also important to keep in mind that you don’t have to be in a relationship to see a sex therapist — they are equipped to work with you by yourself or with your partner (or both at some point). And if you’re wondering if something “deep” or “super complex” has to be happening for you to see a sex therapist, absolutely not. The main thing to keep in mind is if you want to see someone who deals in the realms of all things sex, a sex therapist is what you’re looking for.
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So, how do you go about finding a sex therapist? Good question. If you are already in relationship-related counseling, your therapist/counselor/life coach may be able to refer you. Or you can check out the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors, and Therapists (AASECT) database.
At the end of the day, sex therapy is like any other form of therapy — you’re just honing in on your sex life. That’s it.
I hope you can breathe easy now. Oh, and please spread the word.
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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This shift is a significant change for couples. Let’s face it: no one wants to be in a sexless marriage or relationship. But how can couples effectively confront the impact of fading physical intimacy on the overall health of their enduring partnership?
"I have found that many factors influence one's desire to dive, and it is often not a majority of just one thing. Most people assume that if they don't desire [sex], they are no longer physically attracted, but in my experience, that has little to do with it most of the time," explained Brittanni Young, LMFT, CST.
"Some of the heavy contributors that I see most often include excessive goal orientation towards orgasm, people not prioritizing their own sexuality, and the landfill of ‘should’s’ that develop from toxic sexual scripts created long ago in upbringing," she added.
Furthermore, these issues are not exclusive to any particular orientation, but it does manifest differently.
Young is a licensed marriage and family therapist, sexologist, and board-certified sex therapist who practices in Georgia and Florida. She has worked in the sexology field for over a decade. Young helps couples and individuals looking to get through challenges of all facets facing sexuality and intimacy, such as desire mismatch, over-compulsion, and dysfunctions. She recently launched a deck of intimacy connection cards called "Show Me Your Cards." Young is working on another product that helps teach children to consent and negotiate appropriate touch. She sat down with xoNecole to discuss what causes the decline in the bedroom, the myth of 'lesbian bed death,' and recommendations on overcoming "bed death."
The Decline In Intimacy
Intimacy often dwindles within relationships, a phenomenon triggered by various factors such as stress, the insidious monotony of routine, and the toxicity of unresolved conflicts, to name a few. While couples manage daily life, exchanging intimate desires and concerns may take a backseat. Sadly, this gradually erodes the closeness once shared in the relationship.
"Typically, the first thing I do when working with a couple on desire challenges is rule out medical causes by referring them to their primary care physician or other provider they are working with," Young shared. "There are times when unmanaged or mismanaged conditions factor into low desire levels. Also, many medications can wreak havoc on keeping desire levels up, such as antidepressants, SSRIs, anti-anxiety, and blood pressure medications, to name a few."
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"Next, I look at the state of the relationship. If there is dissatisfaction in the relationship, then it definitely affects how close and intimate one wants to be to another. There are also plenty of individual factors one can bring into the equation, such as low self-esteem, anxiety, depression, feelings of shame or guilt around one's own sexuality, and external life stressors that can get in the way. I find that life stressors can be a big one for folks, as once you get in the habit of not prioritizing sex, it tends to stick," she added.
Fortunately, there are ways to prevent "bed death." It can involve prioritizing your wants and open communication about sexual needs.
"What tends to be effective for all couples is taking an inventory of how satisfied they are with their sexual behaviors and engagement. Being truthful in this vein can be the start of unlocking inhibitions that can keep you from seeking out and being genuinely vulnerable in intimate spaces," Young explained. "Next, I suggest opening up lines of communication around these truths. When people assume that nothing can be done, hope is lost."
The Myth Of 'Lesbian Bed Death'
The notion of "lesbian bed death" perpetuates a simplistic and inaccurate stereotype about the sexual dynamics within lesbian relationships. Contrary to the myth, the experience of a decline in intimacy is not universal among lesbian couples. The diverse spectrum of relationships among women challenges this oversimplified narrative, emphasizing that the complexities of sexual dynamics extend beyond stereotypical assumptions.
"The notion of 'lesbian bed death' is based on a research study done by Pepper Schwartz in 1983 that found that lesbian couplings fell behind in sexual frequency compared to heterosexual and gay male couplings," Young revealed.
"Several other studies [after] have replicated these findings but give very little information about sexual satisfaction. Despite there being more research needed overall in the sexuality field, more recent research did find that when it comes to the length of sexual encounters, lesbian couples had the longest duration of encounters. To that end, sexual quality over quantity is a better marker of satisfaction, and that is what I pay most attention to in my work. With that said, dissatisfaction can happen in all couplings over time," the sexologist continued.
Factors influencing reduced intimacy among lesbian couples may include communication challenges, societal pressures, and individual variations in libido. Menstruation can also play a role, with some couples navigating discomfort or hormonal changes during this period.
"There are certainly some nuances that come into play with lesbian couples that differ from heterosexual or other-oriented couples. As I stated earlier, physiological factors can factor into the rise and fall of libido. The hormone fluctuations that come from menstruation and menopause can impact desire levels, and it is double present in lesbian couples. Another nuance is the lack of a sexual script from society on lesbian sexual behavior. There are patriarchal roots to sexual research, which have created our societal norms that tend to leave out anyone who isn't heterosexual," Young stated.
Overcoming The Challenges
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While 'bed death' challenges couples, solutions are within reach. By identifying and addressing the underlying causes, couples can rekindle the flame of intimacy and ensure a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
"In the words of Esther Perel, another sexual professional in the field, 'love enjoys knowing everything about you; desire needs mystery.' I recommend keeping it in the front of your mind, prioritizing, and keeping it interesting. Be open to learning more about your own sexuality every day, as well as your partner. You are always growing; what worked for you 20 years ago may not be the same today. Stay curious with one another and be open to exploring new ways to pleasure. You deserve it," Young said.
For instance, Young advised that couples should "keep sexual encounters light and playful." And not be afraid to introduce new elements, such as toys.
"Touch often in ways that are consensual and feel safe! I made 'Show Me Your Cards' to serve this purpose specifically. Just because you do not feel in the mood to go all the way does not mean you aren't in the mood to hold hands, exchange body massages, or dance together. Connecting often in any physical form, as long as it feels pleasurable, still counts as 'being in the mood,'" she said.
Overcoming the hurdles of "bed death" and debunking myths surrounding 'lesbian bed death' offers a unique perspective for couples grappling with the difficulties of sustaining a connection. Learning the proper ways to work through a sexless relationship can help foster a healthier, more fulfilling relationship.
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