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The Art Of Sex Journaling (And Why You Should Do It)
OK, so I've got a question. How many of y'all journal on a regular basis? At first, I was going to ask how many of y'all own a journal, but if you're anything like me, you've probably got three or four of 'em collecting dust somewhere in your house. For me, I think that my relationship with journaling is a lot like my relationship is with reading—I write and research so much that I don't make as much time for either as I should. That doesn't mean that I don't know that both are extremely important practices, though.
Since we're specifically talking about sex journaling today, let's explore a few reasons why journaling, in general, is such a good thing to do. Journaling helps to increase your emotional intelligence. Journaling reduces stress. Journal provides clarity. Journaling gives your innermost emotions and thoughts a voice, platform and safe space. Journaling can help you to reach your goals. Journaling can also improve your memory and vocabulary while strengthening your self-discipline in the process. Journaling can do all of that? Yep. So, apply all of these points to your sex life and imagine what sex journaling is capable of.
No matter how you feel about your sex life at the moment, I'm going to encourage you to hop on Amazon, Etsy or go to a local bookstore to pick up a fresh new journal. Devote it only to your sex life and write in it at least a couple of times a week. Aside from all of the reasons that I just provided, there are some benefits that come with sex journaling that can make how you see—and perform—sex better than ever before. Benefits like what?
Sex Journaling Is a Great Way to Remember THE FACTS About Your Sex Life
Recently, I checked out an article on exaggeration. According to the piece, although virtually all of us do it, there are three types of exaggerating that can make life, as the article puts it, "unnecessarily dramatic"—there's overgeneralizing, there's catastrophizing (which is basically making something bigger in our minds than it actually is), and there's making snap judgments and jumping to conclusions. As I thought about the times when I've exaggerated in these ways before, I also thought about how exaggerating could be applied to my sex life. There are the guys who I thought were the absolute bomb, mostly because I had a tendency to only replay one or two times in my mind rather than our entire sexuationship. There are moments that caused me to struggle with my self-worth because I only focused on the things that I did "wrong" or average instead of taking the entire experience into account.
That's why, although some people who are close to me cringe whenever I pen an article like, "Each Of My 14 Sex Partners Taught Me Something New" (mostly because they feel like it's TMI 2.0), to me, it's like getting paid to journal. The reason why I feel that way is because writing it all out helps me to not just reflect on my feelings about my sex life, but to also put things into proper perspective as it relates to various situations and facts. When I do that, I am able to get clarity on what I did, what I would do now and what I would never do again.
Sex Journaling Can Help You to Pinpoint What Works—and What Doesn’t
Another cool thing that comes from sex journaling is it can help you to get a clear grasp of what works for you and what doesn't when it comes to the act overall, the kind of partners that you choose and various techniques and positions that you like and dislike. For instance, one of the couples that I used to work with, the wife was always talking about how her husband didn't please her like some of her past partners had. But whenever I would ask her to explain, she would look at me like, "What do you mean? Didn't I just tell you enough?" Actually, you didn't. Was it that you were more attracted to your past partners? Was the foreplay more pleasurable for you? Are there certain positions that you preferred that you're not experiencing now? How did you feel about your body at the time? What do you wish your partner would do more of and less of? If you're not having enough orgasms, are you faking them? What did your exes do that your partner isn't?
When you're out here generalizing your sex life, it's hard to come up with a plan for how to improve it. By asking yourself questions like the ones that I just mentioned and then writing the answers down, that can help you to better strategize what you want your sex life to be like; it can reveal what works and what doesn't in a very real and documented kind of way. It can give you a reference point that you can always go back to when needed.
Sex Journaling Is an Awesome Way to Mentally Stimulate You and Your Partner
Did you know that another benefit that comes from journaling is it can help you to get a better night's rest? If you and your partner make it a point to write down some of your favorite memories and experiences with one another, man—talk about the ultimate kind of bedtime story. Sex journaling can be a wonderful form of foreplay too because, if you both commit to reading some of your entries out loud to one another, that can bring your minds back to times that you want to repeat; hopefully as soon as possible.
While we're on this particular point, who said that this only has to happen when you're in bed with one another. Transcribe an entry and then shoot it in email or a part of it in a text while your partner is at work or out of town. Reading (or re-reading) the moments that both of you have enjoyed together can truly be the ultimate kind of aphrodisiac. Straight up.
Sex Journaling Can Serve As a Place of Revelation and Healing
Since every 73 seconds, someone is sexually assaulted, there is a huge chance that you or someone you know has been a victim of sexual abuse, assault or some sort of sex-related trauma. Keeping that in mind, it's not uncommon that when a counselor or therapist is dealing with a client who has been affected by something sexually traumatic that they will recommend they journal about it. Journaling has a way of helping you to confront what you've been through, to process it and to address it in a kind of open and uncensored way that you might not feel comfortable doing any other way. Journaling is able to give your pain a voice while validating your feelings about it at the same time.
With all of the stuff that I've been through, sometimes even I'm amazed that I haven't lost my mind. But when I'm able to look back on things I've written like "If You Have To Wonder If It Was Rape, It Was", I am able to see where I was vs. where I am. I am also able to establish the kind of boundaries that I need to set, moving forward and, more than anything, heal because, thanks to writing about the things that I've been through, my pain has not been silenced. Or ignored.
Sex Journaling Can Help You to Set Future Sex-Related Goals
Some of the happiest people on the planet are the ones who are constantly setting bars and reaching them, only to set more. That said, another benefit that can come from sex journaling is jotting down the kind of short-term and long-term sex-related goals that you want to achieve. Do you want to have more orgasms? Do you want to make more fantasies come true? Maybe you'd like to take a tour of some of the sexiest hotels that are in the country or even the world. Perhaps you want to try new sexual positions or to take greater sexual risks. Or, maybe the goal has to do with breaking some toxic patterns that have resulted in you being dissatisfied, both emotionally as well as sexually.
There is plenty of evidence to support that when we write down our goals, it is able to give us clarity and motivate us to take action. There are even studies to support the fact that you are 42 percent more likely to achieve your goals (and your dreams) if you decide to write them down. And just think—the more things that you are able to achieve, the more confidence you'll have, and the more open you'll be to add other goals to your list in the future. Sex-themed goals included.
If I've inspired you, at least a little bit, then you might wonder how much time you should devote to sex journaling in order to get the results that you want. Pulling out your journal and a pen and writing about 15-20 minutes a couple of times a week should just about do it. Just make sure that it's when the atmosphere is quiet and when the space that you're in puts you in a sensual frame of mind. Oh, and make sure to date your entries and to replace your journals every year. Fresh year. Fresh sex perspective. Fresh sex journal. In that order.
There's no time like the present to become a healthy and happier sexual being. One of the most effective ways to do it is by committing to doing a little sex journaling. Make the time. You—and your sex life—won't regret it.
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
What Happened When I Challenged Myself To Journal More For Two Weeks
What GROWN Women Consider Great Sex To Be
What Exactly Does It Mean To Be Sexually Compatible?
Want A More Intense Orgasm? These Tips Are Sure To Make You Cream
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
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The Common Denominator Is You. So, Why Do You Keep Choosing The Wrong Men?
Everywhere you go, there you are. It’s one of those popular sayings (kind of like “It is what it is”) that I find myself using a lot, especially when I’m in sessions with my clients. Why? Well, it’s kind of likean article that I once read that pretty much said our culture likes to play the toxic game of blaming other people because it’s an easy way to deflect from personal accountability (check out “What It Actually Means To 'Hold Yourself Accountable'”). So true, so true,
Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
About five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
Society is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
The reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
Okay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
As we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
____
I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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