Normally, I’m quick to hop on the bandwagon for new shows but with Bridgerton I took my time. I’m not sure what it was but I think I felt disengaged by Shonda Rhimes' Shondaland for a moment or perhaps it was the mere fact that I had enough shows on my roster. Who actually knows but what I do know is this: I avoided Bridgerton like the plague or consumption or whatever disease may have been ravaging them during the Regency Era.
With all my TV shows going off-air soon, I decided to reconsider my position on Bridgerton with the release of the newest season (season two), and it didn’t disappoint. First and foremost, it was a relatively stress-free show which I’ve been leaning into because the world is glum enough but let's not get sidetracked.
Colin Hutton/Netflix
Bridgerton, in all actuality, is a relatively feminist show – as feminist as it can be for the time period. We see women making a way for themselves when there isn’t a way. Above all, we see women taking ownership of their wants and needs (sexually and otherwise) – from Eloise (played by Claudia Jessie) protesting the traditional roles handed down to her, to Kate (played by Simone Ashley) doing whatever is necessary to protect her family. We see the female leads being fierce!
But, hunny, let me tell you this! Had I known that Bridgerton had the sex scenes that it does…I would’ve moved on it immediately.
They weren’t raunchy or graphic, but they were centered around the feminine. Truly, there was so much that Bridgerton got right about sexuality – here are just a few of the things that I found to be the most significant.
1. Sexual Desire
Though in that era, it was frowned upon to be seen alone with men (outside of immediate family), much less have sex with them – I think the show still does a great job of identifying sexual tension in a way that’s not too subtle. The show made it clear that sexual desire and lust are not improper emotions to feel – and no amount of virtue can remove the intensity found in those emotions. Granted, depending on the social status of the woman, I noticed that there were fewer expectations of virtue than others but I can’t fault the show for depicting an otherwise realistic dynamic that no doubt occurred for women and their sexuality.
For instance, they waste no time in allowing Siena (Sabrina Bartlett) to express her sexuality in any manner she sees fit because of her social status as an opera singer. They don’t tease the sexual tension out between her and Anthony. There’s even a scene in season one where Daphne (Phoebe Dynevor) points out that women are not told in great detail about the act of sex because they wouldn’t be able to get anything done if they had truly known.
2. Woman-Centered Pleasure
In this show, women don’t just lay there and get fucked, they do the fucking! Siena being aggressive and taking the lead during sex is but one example. Though not under the most pleasurable circumstances, I’d even say there was power in Daphne climbing on the Duke even if for no reason other than to prove all of the moving pieces were…working! Time and time again, we see women going after their sexual desires with certainty and without regret – at least not for the act of sex itself.
In my opinion, what's great about the show is that it doesn’t portray sex as some "dirty" act. I’m not stating that the show is perfect because again, it does have to be somewhat rooted in the reality for women at that time. However, what I would say is they could’ve made this another Regency Era tale where women are sexually assaulted and have little to no sexual autonomy. And Bridgerton does the opposite of that. Instead, women are portrayed at the center of their own pleasure.
3. Sexuality is Fluid
Although they don’t do a deep dive, they make a brief attempt at highlighting the complicated nature of sexuality for men during that time. Benedict Bridgerton (Luke Thompson) begins to run in a new social circuit (artists, of course, because some cliches must remain) and he finds himself held to secrecy. Not only in regard to the modern sex parties he’s attending but to Sir Henry Granville’s (Julian Ovenden) sexuality.
What I like about their mention of his sexuality is that rather than Benedict being homophobic and completely dismissive, they leave space for curiosity with his character – not necessarily curiosity to partake but to potentially unlearn his ignorance.
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Featured image by Liam Daniel/Netflix
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Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
GiphyThere’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
GiphyA couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
GiphyI’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
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I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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