My Partner Knew I Had Been Sexually Assaulted Before I Told Him
I can’t give times or a date.
I couldn’t tell you what he wore or how he smelled. But there hasn’t been a day where I wouldn’t see his face or feel his fingers in inappropriate places as a 4-year-old. I could tell you what kind of children’s underwear I had on and why the characters that colored those panties are ones that I cannot face today. I see them often, thus, I still see him.
It happened quick.
But no one ever tells you that when you’ve experience molestation at such a young age, that the bruising will remain for a lifetime.
Some days, the scarring is faint; others, the emotional wounds leave you retreating to a secret place–one that’s often dark where no one is invited in. Teenage fingers have granted itself permission to do as it pleased without your invitation. It would be hard to let anyone in, much less near, again.
How could a child hold power? I wouldn’t know; I didn’t say no.
I let him take control while parts of my fragile body fought him behind a closed mouth and light tears.
It would be hard to trust.
Feel.
Love.
But thirteen years after the incident, I fell in love.
There was something about the feel of this relationship that frightened me as I felt I needed to take this one slow. My emotions moved as fast as those teenage fingers back in ‘92 and I wanted it to slow down. If I couldn’t say no then, I understood that I had the authority to do so now.
Again, I retreated.
Adolescent makeup sessions in basements would cease if he got too close to the button of my jeans. I would tell him I had an irregular cycle and couldn’t have sex during the times he wanted to. Months into dating and we would settle for heavy kissing and tongue wrestling, but sex? It wasn’t happening.
He never questioned my actions, only respected it, and I would end up making this guy, who would later be the father of my children, wait an entire year and a half before being intimate.
Some days were easier than others.
I felt light during sex. It was an essential escape that my body needed.
Sometimes, I felt emotionless, nothing at all because how could I find pleasure in something that got me to this point? There would be weeks of internal conflict where my body wouldn’t give in to my partner, as much as I wanted to. I had a chronic fear that he would find someone else to fulfill his sexual wants. Guilt made cameos from time to time. Anxiety lied in the bed with us. He would ask me the usual:
"Your body feels tense. Are you okay?""Are you sure you want to do this?"
I would give in, even if I didn’t want to, just to get over the mental hurdle of that afternoon I was violated as a 4-year-old at the babysitter’s house.
I felt that the boy who touched me as a child still had a hold on me, an intangible power over me, and his fingers within me. Anyone who I wanted to fully give myself to would feel the effects of him and what he did, even if I didn’t say outright, “This is what happened to me. This is why it’s hard.”
Shame found a home in my skin for years.
And I didn’t say anything for quite a while. It was my little secret to keep because I repeatedly heard his shhh’s and would feel like damaged goods. I would feel weak because I couldn’t say no and I would never let anyone know that I actually allowed someone to take advantage of me. But my partner knew.
My partner knew when I would pull back without saying “stop,” or “too hard” or “go slower.” He felt my body wasn’t ready to engage in big girl things and he understood that parts of my past would attribute to it. I was there, but not exactly present in the moment. I felt like he knew my body better than I did. This feeling would last even after the birth of two children and I decided that I needed a sexuality coach to intervene.
[Tweet "Ultimately, it would all boil down to honoring the word ‘no.’ '"]
We don’t do that enough. I felt by declining to have sex, I would cause a rift between my partner and I who would feel like I was no longer interested in him, but it was crucial that I respect my body after what I had gone through. Yes, even if it was twenty years prior. After being told that I was self-violating my own body even further by having sex when I didn’t want to, I realized that it was time to let him know the why’s behind the actions. I told him about that day, the weight I’ve been carrying, and my own grievances with the body he loved that I had to live in.
He admitted he knew I had experienced trauma of some sort, but still loved me, even when he knew I didn’t love or forgive myself.
We spoke candidly about that day–a painful moment to relive, but a pivotal point in our relationship as I helped him understand my story, which led me to come to terms with the fact that it happened.
Yet, I was still here.
It was hours of healthy conversations on boundaries, withdrawing from sex for a while, viewing sex as a shared experience, reframing my ideas of sex in general, and understanding sexual recovery after trauma. Reading stories from close friends who too have experienced sexual assault at 4, 14, or 24 has helped. I tell this story thanks entirely to them, my coach who has changed our lives, and the women who haven’t found the right time to share their own and probably never will.
As far as my partner’s concerns on how to move forward after becoming privy to this sort of information, he’s been advised to be more aware of the pressures he may cause when it comes to having sex, to not treat me like a victim, and be more patient during intercourse. Of course these are just a few of the many steps you or your partner should take if your significant other has experienced sexual assault at any point in their life.
It takes time to get over sexual assault–months for some women, decades for most, entire lifetimes for others–but it isn’t something you can’t overcome.
[Tweet "It takes time to get over sexual assault, but it isn't something you can't overcome. "]
You can have a healthy relationship and sex life afterwards. You can take back control over your life even after it feels like it's been taken from you. Yes, you still have that much power.
For more information about sexual assault, go to the Rape, Abuse and Incest National Network (https://rainn.org) or contact the National Sexual Assault Hotline to speak to someone confidentially at 800-656-4673.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Tyler James Williams Explains Why His And Quinta Brunson 'Abbott Elementary' Characters Should Remain Friends
While Abbott Elementary fans are hoping that Janine and Gregory end up together, the show’s star has another take. Tyler James Williams plays Gregory on the Emmy award-winning sitcom, and he recently stopped by The Jennifer Hudson Show to share his point of view on his storyline with Janine, which Quinta Brunson plays.
“I hate to say it. I know that everybody’s always mad at me for this. I don’t necessarily want to see them together,” he revealed. “It’s partially an actor’s choice, but also somebody who, like, I read a lot of scripts all the time. I watch a lot of TV, a lot of film. I don’t think that we see displays of platonic love between two people often. I think it’s really easy to go right to they have feelings for each other, therefore they should be together. I like this dynamic of exploring withholding that and just actively loving each other where they are. That I like to see more.”
If you recall, they were co-workers who became friends but were secretly crushing on each other. They’ve had many awkward run-ins during and after school, like the unforgettable club scene where they were dancing nervously with each other in season one, and in season two, they finally kiss. However, it only made things even more awkward, and they decided to just be friends. Tyler further explained why he thinks it’s important to showcase that type of relationship on screen.
“I think it’s time for that. I think TV allows people to see things that could be their lives for the first time, and I think seeing a healthy friendship that is deeply caring about one another in a work atmosphere needs to be shown more than the relationship,” he concluded.
Abbott Elementary comes on every Wednesday at 9 p.m. EST on ABC.
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Feature image by Kevin Mazur/Getty Images