
Common, Thanks For Talking About Black Male Molestation. We Need To More Often.

Real Common fans can name at least five of his songs off the rip. Here's my shot at it. In no particular order of faves, there's "The Light", "Come Close" (which has one of the sweetest visuals ever), "Go!", "Geto Heaven" and I Used to Love H.E.R." But if there's a song that particularly hits home, it would have to be "Retrospect for Life". I've shared my abortion story on the site before. If you're not familiar with this particular Common tune, the relevance it has to my story is this line—"From now on, I'm gonna use self-control instead of birth control/'Cause $315 ain't worth your soul". No matter what or how you feel about abortion, you can't tell me that line doesn't cause you to pause and think. Maybe even ponder or reflect.
Yeah, Common is definitely one of the reasons why I feel some type of way when people generalize rap music or don't give hip-hop the honor that is due. He's a living and breathing example that there's more to the genre than misogyny, money and mayhem. These young kids betta recognize.
Anyway, although over the past several years, it's more likely that you'll see Common on a movie screen than hear him over the airwaves, (for starters) if you follow his Twitter page, you'll see that he remains quite conscious. He's a huge supporter of Chicago (where he's from) youth and prison reform. And, aside from all of the other titles that he can put behind his name—artist, advocate, philanthropist, etc.—he can now add another: author.Let Love Have the Last Word is his new memoir and in true Common form, the book is already gaining national momentum in everything from music mags and on gossip blogs to malls and churches. He wrote:
"At some point I felt Brandon's hand on me. I pushed him away. I don't remember saying a whole lot besides 'No, no, no...' He kept saying, 'It's okay, It's okay,' as he pulled down my shorts and molested me. After he stopped, he asked me to perform it on him. I kept repeating 'No' and pushing him away. I felt a deep and sudden shame for what happened."
Although I've yet to read the book myself, I did catch his under-two-minute interview on TMZ that featured him addressing that he was molested at the age of 9. His standout quote—"It's something that I know a lot of people experience; especially Black young men…and the only way we stop the cycle is to talk about it and that's why I chose to say something." After doing that, I did some digging around and also discovered that it wasn't until he did some self-work with actor and friend Laura Dern that the memory of what happened came back to him.
As someone who is also a survivor of sexual abuse, I must admit that the first thing that came to my mind—with a great amount of irritation, I might add—was, "Lord. Who hasn't been molested?!" Then I thought about the sobering stats that reportedly 1 in 4 girls and 1 in 6 boys will experience some sort of sexual abuse before turning the age of 18. The next thing I thought about is how more and more Black male celebrities are speaking on the issue (Charlamagne, Lil Wayne and even R. Kelly come to mind). The next thing that came to me was, what continues to be one of the hardest scenes to watch in the movie Antwone Fisher; you know, when, as a little boy, Antwone runs out of his babysitter's house, half-dressed, after a grown woman molested him in her basement.
And then I thought about the more-than-on-two-hands Black men I can count who've shared with me that they too were sexually abused when they were young.
Two stories that particularly stand out are two attractive and accomplished Black men I know that I've personally had "So, what's up with you and Black women?!" conversations with. What I mean by that is it's very common for me to see them (at least openly) dating anything and everything but a sistah. As a Black woman, on the surface (and even a couple of layers underneath that), it has caused me to feel some type of way. However, they both are blaring reminders of why we shouldn't be so quick to judge or determine someone's reasons or motives for what they do.
When I asked one of them why he was rarely seen with Black women (sometimes but not much), in a low voice, almost as if I was talking to a little boy, he said to me, "I mean, the woman who molested me was a Black woman." And when I said to the other—someone who admitted he has never had a romantic relationship with a Black woman—that I hoped he'd at least be open to experiencing that kind of intimacy someday, he shared with me that between his parents basically being swingers (sometimes even putting him out of his own bed in the middle of the night so that they could use it for their sexcapades as he laid on the floor) and both of his brothers raping him for years while he was growing up, "I wish I could see that happening, but I honestly don't associate the words 'Black' and 'love' together."
I was molested by a Black man and I still have every intention on marrying a Black man, so please look as deep as you can into where both of those men were coming from. I know for a fact that they weren't demonizing Black people or Black love; they were just sharing their truth.
And I'm sharing it now because both of their journeys are reminders that love and life can be complex; that sometimes what we do—or don't do—is tied to other things than ignorance, shallowness or even personal preference. Sometimes, it's tied to pain.
Profound, unnerving, and in some ways, totally debilitating pain (a read worth checking out when you get a chance is "Why We Need to Pay More Attention to the Sexual Abuse of Black Boys"). This takes me full circle back to Common. When he shared his reason for why he decided to share something so private as his own childhood molestation, he was spot-on when he said that 1) it happens a lot to Black men and 2) it's important to talk about it.
As a Black woman who strives to support the Black men who have entrusted me enough to share their own stories of sexual abuse (for the record, the two examples I just provided have publicly talked about their experiences before now), I feel that Common's courage is a reminder that this is as good of a time as any to encourage every Black woman reading this to do a few things.
One, if there's a Black man in your life whose relationship with Black women, in general or his emotional or sexual perspectives as it specifically relates to Black women somehow "rub you some sort of way", don't be so quick to stereotype him or even write him off. There are plenty of studies to support that any type of childhood abuse has a way of stunting emotional development and maturity; especially until a victim/survivor gets some help in that area. He may not be relationship material at the moment (maybe even ever as it relates to you specifically), but he may just need a friend. Or, at the very least, someone praying for him and sending good energy his way.
Sometimes what we chalk up to as being "immature" or even "shallow" is walking pain personified.
Two, for Black men who are, shoot, heroic enough to share with you what they've been through as it relates to sexual childhood abuse, molestation or even assault as adults, please purpose in your mind to be a safe place to listen and a soft place to land. It really is sad that there continues to be so much ignorance and/or low-level tolerance surrounding men and sexuality that a lot of them don't even get that a grown woman or man messing with them as children is just as horrific as a grown man or woman messing with a little girl. Or, that they are no less of a man by talking about how they were taken advantage of as little boys. LITTLE. BOYS.
And finally, if you are currently in a relationship with a Black man who's recently shared with you that molestation is a part of his history, encourage him to seek out a counselor; not because something is "wrong" with him (check out "Chances Are You're Not 'Damaged', Just Broken"), but so he can "unpack" how his experiences have impacted him. Also, if the two of you are considering marriage or already married, consider getting into couples counseling as well. Sexual abuse has a way of altering the way we process things on so many levels, including relationally and sexually. Oh, and please be patient with his journey.
Again, as a survivor myself, I know that childhood molestation is not something you "get over"; it's more like something that you work through. Love, acceptance and support make it so much easier.
See Common? It's only been a day since your book has hit the scene and you're already sparking conversation and inspiring change. Personally, I believe that your words have had a way of doing that for a while now.
As an appreciator of your music and a bigger one of your strength, I'm grateful to and I salute you for that. Well done, sir. This Black woman—as I sure do many others—totally have your back.
Pre-order Let Love Have the Last Word here.
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It's kinda wild that, in 2025, my byline will have appeared on this platform for (what?!) seven years. And yeah, when I'm not waxing poetic on here about sex, relationships and then...more sex and relationships, I am working as a certified marriage life coach, helping to birth babies (as a doula) or penning for other places (oftentimes under pen names).
As some of you know, something that I've been "threatening" to do for a few years now is write another book. Welp, October 2024 was the month that I "gave birth" to my third one: 'Inside of Me 2.0: My Story. With a 20-Year Lens'. It's fitting considering I hit a milestone during the same year.
Beyond that, Pumas and lip gloss are still my faves along with sweatshirts and tees that have a pro-Black message on them. I've also started really getting into big ass unique handbags and I'm always gonna have a signature scent that ain't nobody's business but my own.
As far as where to find me, I continue to be MIA on the social media front and I honestly don't know if that will ever change. Still, if you need to hit me up about something *that has nothing to do with pitching on the site (I'm gonna start ignoring those emails because...boundaries)*, hit me up at missnosipho@gmail.com. I'll do what I can. ;)
Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney & Jill Marie Jones On 'Games Women Play' & Dating Over 40
What do you get when you mix unfiltered truths, high-stakes romance, and a few well-timed one-liners? You get Games Women Play—the sizzling new stage play by Je’Caryous Johnson that’s part relationship rollercoaster, part grown-woman group chat.
With a powerhouse cast that includes Claudia Jordan, Demetria McKinney, Jill Marie Jones, Carl Payne, Chico Bean, and Brian J. White, the play dives headfirst into the messy, hilarious, and heart-wrenching games people play for love, power, and peace of mind. And the women leading this story? They’re bringing their whole selves to the stage—and leaving nothing behind.
From Script to Spotlight
The road to Games Women Play started over 20 years ago—literally.
“This script was written 20 years ago,” Jill Marie Jones said with a smile. “It was originally called Men, Money & Gold Diggers, and I was in the film version. So when Je’Caryous called me to bring it to the stage, I was like, ‘Let’s go.’” Now reimagined for 2025, the play is updated with sharp dialogue and modern relationship dynamics that feel all too real.
Demetria McKinney, no stranger to Je’Caryous Johnson’s productions, jumped at the opportunity to join the cast once again. “This is my third time working with him,” she shared. “It was an opportunity to stretch. I’d never been directed by Carl Payne before, and the chance to work with talent I admire—Jill, Claudia, Chico—it was a no-brainer.”
Claudia Jordan joked that she originally saw the role as just another check. “I didn’t take it that seriously at first,” she admitted. “But this is my first full-on tour—and now I’ve got a whole new respect for how hard people work in theater. This ain’t easy.”
Modern Love, Stage Left
The play doesn’t hold back when it comes to the messier parts of love. One jaw-dropping moment comes when a live podcast proposal flips into a prenup bombshell—leaving the audience (and the characters) gasping.
Demetria broke it down with honesty. “People don’t ask the real questions when they date. Like, ‘Do you want kids? How do you feel about money?’ These convos aren’t happening, and then everyone’s confused. That moment in the play—it’s real. That happens all the time.”
Jill chimed in, noting how the play speaks to emotional disconnect. “We’re giving each other different tokens of love. Men might offer security and money. Women, we’re giving our hearts. But there’s a disconnect—and that’s where things fall apart.”
And then Claudia, of course, took it all the way there. “These men don’t even want to sign our prenups now!” she laughed. “They want to live the soft life, too. Wearing units, gloss, getting their brows done. We can’t have nothing! Y’all want to be like us? Then get a damn period and go through menopause.”
Dating Over 40: “You Better Come Correct”
When the conversation turned to real-life relationships, all three women lit up. Their experiences dating in their 40s and 50s have given them both clarity—and zero tolerance for games.
“I feel sexier than I’ve ever felt,” said Jill, who proudly turned 50 in January. “I say what I want. I mean what I say. I’m inside my woman, and I’m not apologizing for it.”
Demetria added that dating now comes with deeper self-awareness. “Anybody in my life is there because I want them there. I’ve worked hard to need nobody. But I’m open to love—as long as you keep doing what got me there in the first place.”
For Claudia, the bar is high—and the peace is priceless. “I’ve worked hard for my peace,” she said. “I’m not dating for food. I’m dating because I want to spend time with you. And honestly, if being with you isn’t better than being alone with my candles and fountains and cats? Then no thanks.”
Channeling Strength & Icon Status
Each actress brings something different to the play—but all of them deliver.
“I actually wish I could be messier on stage,” Claudia joked. “But I think about my grandmother—she was born in 1929, couldn’t even vote or buy a house without a man, and didn’t give a damn. She was fearless. That’s where my strength comes from.”
For Jill, the comparisons to her iconic Girlfriends character Toni Childs aren’t far off—but this role gave her a chance to dig deeper. “If you really understood Toni, you’d see how layered she was. And Paisley is the same—misunderstood, but strong. There’s more to her than people see at first glance.”
Demetria, who juggles singing and acting seamlessly, shared that live theater pushes her in a new way. “Every moment on stage counts. You can’t redo anything. It’s a different kind of love and discipline. You have to give the performance away—live, in the moment—and trust that it lands.”
Laughter, Lessons & Black Girl Gems
The show has plenty of laugh-out-loud moments—and the cast isn’t shy about who steals scenes.
“Chico Bean gets a lot of gasps and laughs,” Claudia said. “And Naomi Booker? Every scene she’s in—she’s hilarious.”
But the play isn’t just about humor. It leaves space for reflection—especially for Black women.
“I hope we get back to the foundation of love and communication,” said Demetria. “A lot of us are in protector mode. But that’s turned into survival mode. We’ve lost softness. We’ve lost connection.”
Claudia agreed. “We’re doing it all—but it’s not because we want to be strong all the time. It’s because we have to be. And I just want women to know: You can have peace, you can be soft. But stop bringing your old pain into new love. Don’t let past heartbreak build walls so high that the right person can’t climb over.”
Final Act: Pack the House
If there’s one thing this cast agrees on, it’s that this play isn’t just entertainment—it’s necessary.
“Atlanta is the Black entertainment hub,” Claudia said. “We need y’all to show up for this play. Support the arts. Support each other. Because when we pack the house, we make space for more stories like this.”
Games Women Play is more than a play—it’s a mirror. You’ll see yourself, your friends, your exes, and maybe even your next chapter. So get ready to laugh, reflect, and maybe even heal—because the games are on.
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Be Careful. Those Casual Friendships Can Be Red Flags Too.
A couple of weeks ago, I was listening to someone vent about an area of frustration that they couldn’t seem to get to the root of — why they keep getting taken advantage of by certain individuals. When you’ve been a life coach for as long as I have (and you were a journalist before that), you learn how to ask certain questions that can cause people to consider things that they may never have before.
So, when I asked her, “What is the common thread with all of those folks? And sit still for two minutes before answering,” when she finally heard her own self speak, her eyes got wide and her mouth dropped open: “They’re all people who I’m not really sure what they are in my life.”
Ding. Ding. DING.
A life coach by the name of Thomas Leonard once said that “Clarity affords focus” and, believe you me, when it comes to dealing with other human beings, if you don’t get clear on where you stand when it comes to your interactions with them, you can very easily find yourself “focusing too much” on those who don’t deserve it and too little on those who absolutely do. And y’all, this lil’ PSA couldn’t be more relevant than when it comes to what I call “casual friendships.”
Let’s dig — and for some of us, dig our way out of — what it means to have a casual friend, so that you can get clear on if you really need those in your life…and if so…why?
Article continues after the video.
It Can’t Be Said Enough: Always Remember What “Casual” Means
There’s a reason why I decided to share two videos by mental health coach Isaiah Frizzle at the top and bottom of this article. It’s because a lot of what he shares in both of them complements a piece that I wrote for the platform last year entitled, “This Is Just What Purposeful Relationships Look Like.”
It’s the author M. Scott Peck who once said, “Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it” and please believe that the older (and hopefully more mature) you get, the more you tend to see just how valuable — and fleeting — time is; and that is what plays a huge role in motivating you want to only involve yourself with people, places, things and ideas that will honor your time — and when something is casual? In my opinion, it’s highly debatable that it’s worth much of your months, days, hours, or even too many of your minutes.
The main reason why is addressed in an article that I wrote back in the day entitled, “We Should Really Rethink The Term 'Casual Sex.'” The gist? When it comes to relationships, “casual” is certainly not a favorite word of mine because I know what it means. Have mercy — why would you want to invest your time, energy, and emotions into something that is, by definition, apathetic, indifferent, careless, lacking emotional intimacy, and/or is without purpose?
I don’t know about y’all but that sounds like a complete and total crap shoot to me — especially if you are going to go so far as to consider this type of dynamic a true friendship (check out “Ever Wonder If A Friend Is Just...Not That Into You?,” “6 Signs You're About To Make A Huge Mistake In Making Them A Close Friend,” “5 Signs Of A Toxic Friendship That Is Secretly Poisoning Your Life,” “12 Friend Facts That Might Cause You To Rethink (Some Of) Your Own,” and “Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?” ).
To me, when you decide to call someone “friend,” it means that they are loyal, reliable, consistent, trustworthy and willing to be there to support you to the very best of their ability — even if it’s inconvenient to do so sometimes (check out “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient'”). How in the world can you expect that from something that has the word “casual” in it?
And you know what? That actually segues into my next point about casual friendships pretty darn well.
Ponder the Purpose “Casual Friends” Serve in Your Life
A couple of years ago, Verywell Mind published an article entitled, “How the 4 Types of Friendship Fit Into Your Life.” The four that it listed were acquaintances (which I actually don’t consider to be friends; check out “6 Differences Between A Close Acquaintance And An Actual Friend”), casual friends, close friends, and lifelong friends. After reading the piece, I think they consider casual friends to be the “pleasure” friends that I mentioned in the article, “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends.”
And although I certainly get that, I think my “cause for pause” is calling those people “friends” when they probably should be called something like an associate or possibly even a buddy instead. Why do I feel this way? Well, I’ve shared in other articles that I think social media has jacked up vocabulary words and their true meaning on a billion different levels.
Take “friend,” for example. Facebook had us out here calling everyone we connected to on their platform “friends” when some of them, we’ve never even spoken to before — and I personally think that influenced, affected and perhaps even infected our psyche to the point where we will call folks, both online and off, “friend” even when they haven’t earned it and/or who possibly don’t deserve it.
That said, do I think that we all could use lighthearted interactions that don’t go very deep and are filled with not much more than fun? Sure. However, if we were to move this over into a sexual thing — those types of people would probably be called a sneaky link, and there is nothing significant or substantial about ‘em. In fact, if anything pretty much automatically comes with an expiration date, sneaky links would have to be it.
And that’s kind of the point that I’m trying to make about a casual friend — so long as you know that the word “casual” is being used to describe them, while you may enjoy the people who fit that bill, they aren’t really anything that you can or even should fully rely on. Instead, take them for what they are and don’t really expect much more than that. Otherwise, you could be in for some profound levels of disappointment. And who wants that?
Final point.
How a Casual Friend Can Become a Huge Red Flag
I’m telling you, y’all gonna quit clowning Tubi. LOL. To me, the best way to describe it is it’s the Cricket of current streaming apps. What I mean by that is, back when Cricket (the cell phone service) first came out, people, like me, who used it service got incessantly clowned because it was seen as a bootleg provider. Now it’s owned by AT&T, and as someone who has rocked with them since I was in my 20s, I don’t have one regret for doing so. Cricket has always been good to me, chile.
And Tubi? Well, when you get a chance, check out CNBC’s article, “CEO at 33, Tubi’s Anjali Sud on success hacks she learned at Amazon, IAC on way to top of Fox streaming” — take note of the moves the streaming app is making and the quality of programming that is transpiring in real time.
Anyway, I find myself bringing up Tubi more and more in my content because it helps to amplify some of the points that I like to make. This time, it’s a movie that’s (currently) on there calledRight Man, Wrong Woman. If you haven’t seen it before, I don’t want to give too much of the film away. What I will say is that the main female character, she had a casual friend and then she had a close friend.
That casual friend—the one who liked to kick it all of the time—was a lot of fun; however, dealing with her came with a ton of semi-unforeseen consequences. Meanwhile, the close friend? She’s what the Aristotle article (that I mentioned earlier) would call the “good friend” because she tried her best to hold her friend accountable.
And really, it shouldn’t be a shock that the casual friend turned out to be a plum trip because if someone is loads of entertainment and pleasure and yet they are indifferent towards you, they make careless decisions around you and/or they don’t really make known the purpose for you being in their life other than to pass some time — where really do you and that person have to go past drinks after work or dinner on a rooftop restaurant from time to time? And if that is all that the two of you are doing, again, why are they deserving of the word “friend”?
Hmph and don’t get me started on the lack of reciprocity that typically transpires when it comes to dealing with people like this because, while they won’t mind you spending your coins on them, taking their calls in the middle of the night or listening to all of their issues — when it comes time for them to show up for you, they very well may gaslight you into thinking that you are being dramatic, clingy or “doing the most.” Why? Well, it’s mostly because the two of you never really established what the hell the both of you are to one another.
And so, while you’re somewhere taking them seriously, they are out here seeing you casually, and as much as it might hurt to hear, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. You shouldn’t expect much where no clarity is involved. After all, casual is just that: CASUAL.
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I’m hoping that you can now see why I entitled this piece in the way that I did. It’s because a red flag is pretty much a warning, and to me, a casual friend is about as big of an oxymoron (again, to me) as casual sex is. Friends and sex are both too intimate to be seen or treated casually. Oh, but if you step out and take that risk, you could find yourself getting far more involved than the other individual ever wanted to go, because casual is how things have always been. “Friend” was simply to get you more mentally and emotionally invested. SMDH.
American columnist Walter Winchell once said, “A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.” A wise person once said, “One good friendship will outlive forty average loves." Former President Ulysses S. Grant once said, “The friend in my adversity I shall always cherish most. I can better trust those who helped to relieve the gloom of my dark hours than those who are so ready to enjoy with me the sunshine of my prosperity.” Does any of this sound casual to you? Yeah, me neither.
Again, I’m not saying that you shouldn’t have people in your life who aren’t on deep levels. I’m just saying that you might want to consider putting them into another category than friend, because what friends do for people? There ain’t nothin’ even remotely casual about it, sis. Not even a lil’ bit.
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