I think if there's any woman more qualified to speak on this topic, it's me. I've been married more times than I admit to (twice). I've dated every kind of black man you can think of. I like to say that my anxiety and depression surfaced after my mom's death in 2010 but looking at the struggles of all black people, I clearly see now that my blackness has been a journey to wholeness and my mom's death finally just woke my ass up.
Hi trauma, I call you out, completely.
I can't front. I can't seem to like any black man I've ever encountered longer than two years of my life 'cause I'm too turned off by their lack of ability to love a black woman to healing. Or with loyalty and communication.
Black women nurture the world, every single day. Our strength alone is amazing. Black women are the ones who look out for black men, who cover them, create safe spaces and homes for them, accept things we shouldn't because quality is limited, while trying to love the pieces of their untapped soul. Facing their potential with a game plan. That alone should make a black man say, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the men who didn't see you as value, who intentionally demean your character with lies to avoid correction."
Their pride and egos be waking up my anxiety and depression after I took my time putting it back to sleep. Snooze button rescue me, just malfunction and let me be.
His blackness, been so demonized that his conscious missed me at hello. Even though he made sure his cologne kissed me before he did, the seasons together don't last, for me. My soul values inner peace.
This society got the black man thinking that looking good feels good, so they'll put more time into their appearance to become a magnet; leaving trails behind of more women disgusted who really know his character behind closed doors, than more women wanting a couple of forevers with him. Goodbye to the days that black men use the color of their skin as an injustice but leave women of the same colored skin, broken.
Now that's an injustice.
I get it now. I know that we are the true chosen people of the land, and our blackness creates an inferior complex from our oppressors. A black man taught me that, a man who had the capability to be a real good man but when life got real he failed, as a real good man. He cheated while I was pregnant with his child and expected me to not keep feeling some type of way, every time his toxic behavior triggered my anxiety or reminded me that the pain of bearing his child was welcomed with his infidelity. Hit me like a ton of bricks, I actually thought he was the one. I pick the wrong ones.
I speak for all black women who have come to realize that we're tired of thinking something can happen to the majority of black men at once.
Black men trigger my anxiety and depression in a world that's already hard enough. I vow to find self-love from within on a greater level. I picked the wrong ones.
Hooked, to a black dream with black kids, a black husband, under one roof, one dream to build some shit I ain't never seen, before.
I ain't picking the wrong ones no more.
I have a made up mind, unpacking what they left behind in my soul could take a lifetime. Hell, my mama got me unpacking too. I look at my kids every day and never do I want to choose the streets over you. I been a mama before college and that's all my adult friends have ever known me as. I'm qualified to say this.
I've tried to love every black man I came across but if the pain of making them whole makes me incomplete then keep them far away from me.
I made my mind up this year, loving a black man who never gets love in the white land is too hard for me. My last lover slipped up and said, "It's like I need you to be my mother" and when I replied my reality of "I can't do that, it'll only hurt me," he hurried up and tried to reword it but I knew exactly what he meant by that. It's evident in the world. Black men need their mamas to fix their abandonment.
See when you go through your twenties full of life, dreams and aspirations to only enter your thirties screwed, broken and not fulfilled, if you're anything like me, that soul-searching hits like a winning game point in the playoffs. It's deep.
It's Mental Health Month, Healers.
Rescue me.
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In a xoNecoleexclusive, the iconic actress opens up about embracing this season of her life, new projects, and overall being a “bad motherfucker.” Gabrielle reveals that she was 37 years old when she was diagnosed with perimenopause and is still going through it at 51 years old. Mayo Clinic says perimenopause “refers to the time during which your body makes the natural transition to menopause, marking the end of the reproductive years.”
“I haven't crossed over the next phase just yet, but I think part of it is when you hear any form of menopause, you automatically think of your mother or grandmother. It feels like an old-person thing, but for me, I was 37 and like not understanding what that really meant for me. And I don't think we focus so much on the word menopause without understanding that perimenopause is just the time before menopause,” she tells us.
Gabrielle Union
Photo by Brian Thomas
"But you can experience a lot of the same things during that period that people talk about, that they experienced during menopause. So you could get a hot flash, you could get the weight gain, the hair loss, depression, anxiety, like all of it, mental health challenges, all of that can come, you know, at any stage of the menopausal journey and like for me, I've been in perimenopause like 13, 14 years. When you know, most doctors are like, ‘Oh, but it's usually about ten years, and I'm like, ‘Uhh, I’m still going (laughs).’”
Conversations about perimenopause, fibroids, and all the things that are associated with women’s bodies have often been considered taboo and thus not discussed publicly. However, times are changing, and thanks to the Gabrielle’s and the Tia Mowry’s, more women are having an authentic discourse about women’s health. These open discussions lead to the creation of more safe spaces and support for one another.
“I want to be in community with folks. I don't ever want to feel like I'm on an island about anything. So, if I can help create community where we are lacking, I want to be a part of that,” she says. “So, it's like there's no harm in talking about it. You know what I mean? Like, I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change. I'm just getting better and stronger and more intelligent, more wise, more patient, more compassionate, more empathetic. All of that is very, very welcomed, and none of it should be scary.”
The Being Mary Jane star hasn’t been shy about her stance on therapy. If you don’t know, here’s a hint: she’s all for it, and she encourages others to try it as well. She likens therapy to dating by suggesting that you keep looking for the right therapist to match your needs. Two other essential keys to her growth are radical transparency and radical acceptance (though she admits she is still working on the latter).
"I was a bad motherfucker before perimenopause. I’m a bad motherfucker now, and I'll be a bad motherfucker after menopause. Know what I’m saying? None of that has to change. How I’m a bad motherfucker, I welcome that part of the change."
Gabrielle Union and Kaavia Union-Wade
Photo by Monica Schipper/Getty Images
“I hope that a.) you recognize that you're not alone. Seek out help and know that it's okay to be honest about what the hell is happening in your life. That's the only way that you know you can get help, and that's also the only other way that people know that you are in need if there's something going on,” she says, “because we have all these big, very wild, high expectations of people, but if they don't know what they're actually dealing with, they're always going to be failing, and you will always be disappointed. So how about just tell the truth, be transparent, and let people know where you are. So they can be of service, they can be compassionate.”
Gabrielle’s transparency is what makes her so relatable, and has so many people root for her. Whether through her TV and film projects, her memoirs, or her social media, the actress has a knack for making you feel like she’s your homegirl. Scrolling through her Instagram, you see the special moments with her family, exciting new business ventures, and jaw-dropping fashion moments. Throughout her life and career, we’ve seen her evolve in a multitude of ways. From producing films to starting a haircare line to marriage and motherhood, her journey is a story of courage and triumph. And right now, in this season, she’s asking, “What’s next?”
“This is a season of discovery and change. In a billion ways,” says the NAACP Image Award winner. “The notion of like, ‘Oh, so and so changed. They got brand new.’ I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
"I want you to be brand new. I want me to be brand new. I want us to be always constantly growing, evolving. Having more clarity, moving with different purpose, like, and all of that is for me very, very welcomed."
She continues, “So I'm just trying to figure out what's next. You know what I mean? I'm jumping into what's next. I'm excited going into what's next and new. I'm just sort of embracing all of what life has to offer.”
Look out for Gabrielle in the upcoming indie film Riff Raff, which is a crime comedy starring her and Jennifer Coolidge, and she will also produce The Idea of You, which stars Anne Hathaway.
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Feature image by Mike Lawrie/Getty Images
