Quantcast

True Life: Dating The Wrong Men Triggered My Anxiety & Depression

If the pain of making them whole makes me incomplete, then keep them far away from me.

Her Voice

I think if there's any woman more qualified to speak on this topic, it's me. I've been married more times than I admit to (twice). I've dated every kind of black man you can think of. I like to say that my anxiety and depression surfaced after my mom's death in 2010 but looking at the struggles of all black people, I clearly see now that my blackness has been a journey to wholeness and my mom's death finally just woke my ass up.

Hi trauma, I call you out, completely.

I can't front. I can't seem to like any black man I've ever encountered longer than two years of my life 'cause I'm too turned off by their lack of ability to love a black woman to healing. Or with loyalty and communication.

defpen.com

Black women nurture the world, every single day. Our strength alone is amazing. Black women are the ones who look out for black men, who cover them, create safe spaces and homes for them, accept things we shouldn't because quality is limited, while trying to love the pieces of their untapped soul. Facing their potential with a game plan. That alone should make a black man say, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry for all the men who didn't see you as value, who intentionally demean your character with lies to avoid correction."

Their pride and egos be waking up my anxiety and depression after I took my time putting it back to sleep. Snooze button rescue me, just malfunction and let me be.

His blackness, been so demonized that his conscious missed me at hello. Even though he made sure his cologne kissed me before he did, the seasons together don't last, for me. My soul values inner peace.

This society got the black man thinking that looking good feels good, so they'll put more time into their appearance to become a magnet; leaving trails behind of more women disgusted who really know his character behind closed doors, than more women wanting a couple of forevers with him. Goodbye to the days that black men use the color of their skin as an injustice but leave women of the same colored skin, broken.

Now that's an injustice.

www.kiss917.com

I get it now. I know that we are the true chosen people of the land, and our blackness creates an inferior complex from our oppressors. A black man taught me that, a man who had the capability to be a real good man but when life got real he failed, as a real good man. He cheated while I was pregnant with his child and expected me to not keep feeling some type of way, every time his toxic behavior triggered my anxiety or reminded me that the pain of bearing his child was welcomed with his infidelity. Hit me like a ton of bricks, I actually thought he was the one. I pick the wrong ones.

I speak for all black women who have come to realize that we're tired of thinking something can happen to the majority of black men at once.

Black men trigger my anxiety and depression in a world that's already hard enough. I vow to find self-love from within on a greater level. I picked the wrong ones.

Hooked, to a black dream with black kids, a black husband, under one roof, one dream to build some shit I ain't never seen, before.

I ain't picking the wrong ones no more.

guidelive.imgix.net

I have a made up mind, unpacking what they left behind in my soul could take a lifetime. Hell, my mama got me unpacking too. I look at my kids every day and never do I want to choose the streets over you. I been a mama before college and that's all my adult friends have ever known me as. I'm qualified to say this.

I've tried to love every black man I came across but if the pain of making them whole makes me incomplete then keep them far away from me.

I made my mind up this year, loving a black man who never gets love in the white land is too hard for me. My last lover slipped up and said, "It's like I need you to be my mother" and when I replied my reality of "I can't do that, it'll only hurt me," he hurried up and tried to reword it but I knew exactly what he meant by that. It's evident in the world. Black men need their mamas to fix their abandonment.

See when you go through your twenties full of life, dreams and aspirations to only enter your thirties screwed, broken and not fulfilled, if you're anything like me, that soul-searching hits like a winning game point in the playoffs. It's deep.

It's Mental Health Month, Healers.

Rescue me.

xoNecole is always looking for new voices and empowering stories to add to our platform. If you have an interesting story or personal essay that you'd love to share, we'd love to hear from you. Contact us at submissions@xonecole.com.

Featured image by Giphy.

This article is in partnership with Xfinity.

Those who have experienced an HBCU homecoming understand the assignment. Students, alumni, and family of a Historically Black College and University gather to partake in the excitement of celebrating the heritage and culture of the school. It's a time of joy, honoring traditions, and for some, reflecting on the good ol' days. Homecoming weekends are spent eating well, laughing plenty, and enjoying the sights; and there is plenty to see! (Spoiler alert: Sleep is not on the syllabus.)

Keep reading... Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.

Summer is coming to an end, and it's officially time to start the fall activities. And with the start of a new season comes new movies and shows. One, in particular, is the final season of Netflix's Dear White People, airing September 22. A great thing about this show is that it sparks healthy conversation. Past seasons have explored topics like double consciousness, sexuality, and the Me Too Movement, but it's done it in a way that still allows the show to feel relatable and fun.

Keep reading... Show less

Period pain. Lawd. Could there be something that is more annoying, especially since it happens every 28-30 days? Like, c'mon. If you've ever wondered about the science behind it all, basically, we need our uterus to contract, so that it can shed the lining that accumulated, just in case we conceived in between cycles. And so, what basically happens is, the prostaglandins levels in our system increase which trigger inflammation and also period pain, so that the blood is able to flow from our bodies.

Keep reading... Show less

One of my favorite things about the changing seasons are the new vibes and new energies that change welcomes with it. September represents a transition from the white sand beaches, bottomless brunches, and undeniable romantic vibes long nights, festivals, and impromptu road trips often thought of when we think about the summer. In its place comes romanticism in a different approach. Pumpkin spice anything, the excuse to cuddle up, and the leaves of the trees turning warm shades sparks joy in a different way as fall begins. Perhaps what I am most excited about though are the 2021 wellness trends that come with it.

Keep reading... Show less

A few days ago, I was having a conversation with some folks about songs that should've been official singles yet never were. One of the ones that I shared was Mariah Carey's "All Alone in Love" (a song that she wrote when she was only 15, by the way). To me, it's a perfect way to intro this piece because I have had enough personal experiences and counseled enough people to know that it is very possible to be in a relationship with someone — and still feel quite alone in it. Not because your partner doesn't love you. Not because they're up to some totally f'ed up shenanigans. It's just…even though you signed up for a true and lasting partnership, somehow you now feel some of the very words that define what being alone can feel like: unattended, detached, unassisted, semi-compassionless and perhaps even abandoned on some levels.

Keep reading... Show less
Exclusive Interviews

Exclusive: Lucky Daye Is Doing It For The Culture, From The Soul

Every so often, an artist comes along who seems to be a physical manifestation of all that we are.

Latest Posts