What True Self-Care Is & What It Isn't
Self-care has become a trend.
Frilly fabrics, pedicures, facials, glittery positive affirmations, candles and flowers floating in a warm bubble bath, glamorous vacations, retail therapy, and the works without THEE work.
The painful work.
The difficult work.
The unpretty work.
Yes, I am coming into your home and walking out with all of your stuff with this one.
Because a fresh hair-cut or beat face does not make your soul vibration any higher when you're leaning against the wall in the club bathroom, music blasting, post-obligatory-mirror-selfie, and still fighting emptiness. Or when you're sulking in anger about how you just knew your most recent heavily contemplated and the timed post was about to do NUMBERS on The Gram (or The Book), and it failed to meet your arbitrary "like" expectation, triggering feelings of unfulfilled validation stemming from adolescence defined by beliefs of inadequacy.
Somewhere along the way, self-care has been packaged quite efficiently as "escape" and "sublimation." Fleeting distractions. Applause. Surface-level smiles. Shrouded, cloaked inside the cheerful clatter of brunch mimosa glass toasts, is a significant silence. The quieting of neglected tear ducts that have been praying for the last 3 weeks or 3 years that you will genuinely ask yourself, "Where am I hurting…and why?"
Actually, caring for ourselves mentally, emotionally, and spiritually has been successfully reframed as avoidance activities.
Anything to dodge probing of the painful variety.
We have been trying to sell the world and ourselves artificial imagery of relaxation. Farce mastery and control. Physical polishing in place of emotional liberation. Inside, our souls are as tense as ever, panting under the pressure of upholding appearances whilst getting away with not healing. All you've been doing is carrying on. Performing.
You have to dig deeper, my love.
This is not to undermine the value of rewarding yourself, celebrating life, and treating your body as the temple it is. You deserve to unwind and rest. You deserve ALL of the good feels and a break from life's commotion. However, these things cannot be done in the place of authentic vulnerability with yourself and deemed "self-care." The soul work needs your attention, too. Set the ambiance and then please dive inside.
In a time where we will take our clothes off for social media more easily than we will take our facades off alone, it is imperative to address and undress the root of our issues. No longer can we go on calling ourselves Butterflies without earning the metamorphosis.
A caterpillar undergoes a series of sheddings, breaks out of its skin, and essentially digests itself inside-out to emerge as a new beautiful creature. This remarkable transformation requires an all-consuming unraveling of everything the caterpillar has ever been, done, and known. The chrysalis is necessary. This isolated and intentional imploding and molding.
Becoming inside itself.
Creating, shuffling, and shifting solely with the contents life gifted it. Separation from the noise and elements other than its own DNA. Suitably, you become a Self-Care Butterfly by going inside yourself. Despite how daunting this task seems. Because you are a capable, courageous caterpillar who does capable courageous caterpillar tings and you already KNOW what's on the other side of that chrysalis, fam! Flourish!
Self-care is necessary breaking.
Self-care is necessary stinging.
Self-care is necessary discomfort.
Self-care is necessary.
Self-care is rebuilding.
Nourishing your biopsychosocial well-being and health is intense introspection, confession, detection, and reflection. It's identification-led transformation. It's levitation. It's elevation.
It's therapy. It's journaling. It's church. It's a process involving peeling, pain, and grief.
Plunging and purging. Crying. Admission of shame and guilt.
An unleashing of suffering to reach the sunlight beyond the cloud.
It is a holistic release.
It is Healing.
You must participate in the process to obtain self-acceptance and continue growing.
Do not be afraid, young caterpillar.
You are a masterpiece learning to master peace.
Your marvelous wings are waiting for you.
*Orginally published on Black Girl In Om
Lacrisha is a thugged out therapist and writer who likes to spend her spare time participating in sophisticated ratchet hippie thug scholar things like lamenting adulting and reading books. She is a proud alumna of both the illustrious Howard University and North Carolina Central University.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- How To Practice Social Media Self-Care & Keep Your Peace - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 6 Self-Care Practices For Black Men - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Dating Triggers My Anxiety & Depression - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Black Women, Behold: A Website That Teaches The Power Of Self ... ›
- For Black Women, Self-Care Can be a Radical Act​ - OkayAfrica ›
- These Woke Women Give Real Advice About How To Self-Care ›
- For Black Women, Self-Care Is A Radical Act | Ravishly | Media ... ›
- Black bodies need love too: 7 resources for self-care | BLAVITY ›
- Self-Care & Wellness Archives - Happy Black Woman ›
- The Self-Care Revolution | SELF ›
- The history of self-care. ›
- 45 Simple Self-Care Practices for a Healthy Mind, Body & Soul ›
- This Is What 'Self-Care' REALLY Means, Because It's Not All Salt ... ›
- The Millennial Obsession With Self-Care : NPR ›
- The importance of self-care | TED Talks ›
- Practicing Self-Care Is Important: 10 Easy Habits To Get You Started ›
- The Politics of Conspicuous Displays of Self-Care | The New Yorker ›
- 6 Honest Reasons Why Self Care Is So Hard (and Can Feel Lousy ... ›
Black Girl In Om promotes holistic wellness and inner beauty for women of color. We encourage self-care, self-love, and self-empowerment for communities of color. Read more of our stories at blackgirlinom.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LISTÂ HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
How To Tell If You're Disciplining Your Child Or Seeking Revenge
When discussing the topic of raising children, discipline is often the first thing that comes to mind. Children need discipline. Full stop. But what is discipline? And how do we draw the line between discipline and revenge?
The origin of the word "discipline" can be traced back to the Latin word "disciplina," which means "instruction" or "teaching." Over time, however, discipline has come to be synonymous with punishment, with parents relying on shame, fear, and/or physical pain to curb undesirable behavior.
Teaching takes time, so nipping it in the bud in whatever fashion parents deem necessary (within reason) has become the norm. But is this what’s best for children? And when does it become less about curbing undesirable behavior and more about getting our licks back for offenses we feel our children should know better to do?
In my work as a parenting coach, I’ve often heard parents say, “I asked him nicely three times before spanking him. He didn’t stop doing it until I did, so clearly talking doesn’t work.”
And the parent isn’t wrong. Talking often doesn’t work the first, the third, or the even the 10th time. And the reason is directly tied to brain development.
Children cannot and do not process information the way an adult can. Auditory processing is not fully developed until a child is 14 or 15 years old. And even then, if a child has auditory processing delays or Auditory Processing Disorder (APD), they may always struggle with processing auditory commands. According to Susie S. Loraine, MA, CCC-SLP, the term auditory processing refers to how the brain perceives and interprets sound information. Several skills determine auditory processing ability—or listening success. They develop in a general four-step hierarchy, but all work together and are essential for daily listening.
Without this understanding, discipline can easily become revenge because parents will then view their child’s misdeeds as a personal slight. Instead of teaching them to do better, parents now want to show them the consequences of not doing better. This is why it's imperative for parents to discern between discipline and revenge to maintain healthy relationships with their children.
5 WAYS TO DISTINGUISH BETWEEN PARENTAL GUIDANCE AND RETALIATION:Â Â
​Understanding The Intent
Discipline is rooted in love and concern for the child's well-being. It focuses on teaching lessons and helping children understand the consequences of their actions. Conversely, revenge-driven actions stem from a desire to inflict pain or punishment as payback for perceived slights or disobedience. Parents should reflect on their motives before taking disciplinary actions. Ask yourself whether your intention is to help your child learn or to make them suffer for upsetting you.
Example: If a child accidentally breaks a valuable item, a disciplinary response would involve discussing the importance of being careful and working with the child to come up with a way to replace or fix what they’ve broken. On the other hand, a vengeful reaction might involve yelling, harsh punishment, or bringing up past mistakes to intensify guilt.
​Maintaining Emotional Regulation
Effective discipline requires parents to remain calm and composed, even in challenging situations. It's natural to feel upset or frustrated when children misbehave, but responding with anger or resentment can escalate the situation and blur the line between discipline and revenge. Before addressing the issue, take a moment to breathe and collect your thoughts.
Example: If a child cannot follow instructions, a disciplined response would involve calmly explaining why their cooperation is necessary in working with the child to accomplish the goal. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve shouting, name-calling, or resorting to physical punishment out of anger.
​Promoting Growth and Learning
Discipline should always aim to promote growth and learning. It involves guiding children toward making better choices and understanding the impact of their actions on themselves and others. Effective discipline strategies include positive reinforcement, setting clear expectations, and providing opportunities for reflection and growth.
Example: If a child repeatedly forgets to complete their chores, a disciplinary approach would involve discussing the importance of responsibility and finding solutions together, such as creating a chore chart or setting reminders with Siri or Alexa. In contrast, a revenge-driven response might involve imposing overly harsh punishments or belittling the child, which can undermine their self-esteem and hinder their ability to learn from their mistakes.
Momo Productions/Getty
Building Trust and Communication
Trust and open communication are essential components of a healthy parent-child relationship. Discipline should strengthen this bond by fostering trust and encouraging children to confide in their parents without fear of judgment or retaliation. When children feel safe and supported, they're more likely to accept discipline as a form of guidance rather than punishment.
Example: If a child admits to breaking a rule or making a mistake, a disciplined response would involve listening to their perspective, discussing the consequences of their actions, and working together to find a solution. Conversely, a retaliatory response might involve accusations, blame, or shutting down communication, which can erode trust and damage the parent-child relationship.
Seeking Professional Guidance
Parenting is a learning journey, and, disciplining children is a delicate balance between guiding them toward responsible behavior and nurturing their growth. By understanding the intent behind our actions, maintaining emotional regulation, promoting growth and learning, building trust and communication, and seeking professional guidance when needed, as parents we can help our children built on love, respect, and understanding.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image by Courtney Hale/Getty Images