
Tracee Ellis Ross On Unpacking Messaging Around Being 'Chosen' & Being A Mother In Her Own Terms

As far as I'm concerned, there's rarely a moment when Tracee Ellis Ross doesn't say something quotable or that makes me unshakeably exclaim, "Preach" accompanied by six or seven snaps of my appreciation of her unfiltered and deeply resonant truths. Though I admire her talents and what she has contributed to the culture with iconic characters like Girlfriends' Joan Clayton and Black-ish's Rainbow and the gift to the natural hair community that is PATTERN, I am in awe of Tracee Ellis Ross as the woman.
Doused in self-confidence, self-awareness, and self-mastery, and all around deeply connected with herself, Tracee is the embodiment of a marvel of a woman who is always true to who she is. And upon listening to a recent appearance of hers on the popular podcast, We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle, I was reminded of that fact yet again. Keep reading for some gems the 50-year-old multihyphenate shared while there.
Tracee Ellis Ross on unpacking messaging of needing to be chosen:
"We go back to this model that you are sold, that we not only are we sold it, but we are fed it. And we have to drink it, and it’s everywhere. And if you are not careful, you actually think it’s true. And it’s the only bit of news for you, which is that my job as a woman is to learn to be choosable, having nothing to do with who I am, what makes my heart sing, floats my boat, makes me feel safe, makes me feel comfortable, makes me feel good, makes me feel powerful, makes me feel smart, any of those things, but really [my job as a woman] is more about how I might be seen so that I might be chosen so that my life could mean something as a 'chosen woman' who then gets to have a child and then be a mother and do that for a child.
"So our culture sells us this and there’s nothing wrong with that journey. But [there's nothing wrong with that] if it’s a chosen journey, as opposed to the one that you think is going to make you worth anything. And then everything starts to fall into that messaging.
"I have been grateful enough to have found places where there are eons of tools and different ways to unpack that crazy messaging, [and] make sense of it in a way that actually gives me a shot at genuine happiness and a robust life that’s actually mine. And it’s like a daily reprieve. Some days are better than others. Some days, the old messaging comes in, sweeps in and I have got a really nice matching story that goes with it of my unlovability. That narrative that just kind of travels along with it. And if I am not careful and go into that thinking alone, I get stuck there. And then, you come out."
On the self-connection strategies that stop her from believing everything her mind tells her:
"Friendships. I have practices of healing and support that I lean towards. Therapy, some of which I keep sacred and private, some of those, but I don’t share them necessarily publicly. But friendship has been the biggest [strategy] and the willingness to be completely transparent. And to be able to call people when I am on the floor, whether it’s metaphorically or physically on the floor... I think it’s friendship, the tools that tether me... tether me to what I like best about my life, which is the basic things. Like, my favorite part of my life is my life.
"I love all the stuff, but I really like making my bed in the morning or doing laundry or making my food or taking the garbage out, like just the basics that really tether me to my own humanity and my own sense of self, and being able to show up and be of service and all of those things. ... It’s honestly like my mind is a wonderful place. It gets dangerous when I get connected to the really bad horror story that I have been stitching together since I was young. And somehow if I fall back into that groove, it is so dangerous up there. And then everything’s colored by the wrong information. Everything!"
On learning how not to abandon herself and hold space for unlovable moments:
"It’s interesting. I have really learned how to do that. Because I think that I have abandoned myself way too many times. Way too many times. But each time in the aftermath of the hurt, I do ask myself the question of how do I not end up here again. And what I have discovered is I will end up here again.
"...It’s funny, I just, I have been nursing another, just deep disappointment. And my little inner child was, she was just crying, just crying so hard. And for the first time, I was able to sit with her. And I was like, 'Here’s the thing, my love, I am not going anywhere. I am not going anywhere. I don’t know. I don’t know how to be anybody else. I just don’t. But what I know how to do, is to be me. And to just hold that space with as much compassion and curiosity and gentleness as possible, and to find all the things even if it’s a bag of frickin Funyuns.' Like, what is it? What is it that we need today to just try and hold that space of love?
"I think that’s the thing we are sold. That’s wrong. I don’t know that life is supposed to be a thing that just feels good all the time. But how can we hold the spaces and the days and the periods when it just doesn’t feel good? And I just feel so unlovable, and like how can I have the hurt without deciding it means I am unlovable? How do you not give meaning to it? And that’s where the work is like in that little space."
Tracee Ellis Ross on being a mother and defining womanhood for herself:
"I am a wonderful mother. Wonderful! And I am very mothering. And it’s been hard for me to claim that. In a world where I don’t have the thing that says, I mean, what did I...? What was I just writing...? [It] was [a] journal entry from like three or four days ago:
"'I can feel my body’s ability to make a child draining out of me. Sometimes I find it hilarious as if there’s a fire sale going on, in my uterus, and someone’s in there screaming, 'All things must go!' ...As my body becomes a foreign place, to me that doesn’t really feel safe or like home and I don’t know how to manage or control or fight the external binary narrative of the patriarchy that has hunted me and haunted me most of my adult life. Is it my fertility that is leaving me? Is it my womanhood? Or is it really neither? But I have to fight to hold my truth. Because I have been programmed so successfully by the water we all swim in, by the water, we all are served.
"'And I feel fertile with creativity, full of power, more and more a woman than I have ever been. And yet, that power that I was told, I must use was not used. A power, I mean, just trying to figure out sort of what that means, like, because my ability to have a child is leaving me but like, I don’t agree that that’s what fertile means. I don’t agree that that’s what woman means..."
Listen to the podcast episode in full below:
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On her debut album,CTRL,SZA crooned about her desire to be a “Normal Girl.” Now, nearly eight years since its release, her Not Beauty line represents her commitment to existing outside of traditional beauty norms.
The singer whose real name is Solána Imani Rowe first teased the idea of a lip gloss line during Super Bowl LIX in February, noting that the release would be happening “very shortly.” Not Beauty debuted simultaneously with the Grand National Tour, which she co-headlines with Kendrick Lamar, in Minneapolis on April 19.
Each Not Beauty pop-up would offer fans the opportunity to purchase the glosses, learn more about the brand, and have the opportunity to meet the superstar in the flesh regardless of their ticket status.
During the Los Angeles tour stop, which spanned three dates on May 21, May 23, with the finale on May 24, xoNecole had the opportunity to test out the glosses included in this soft launch, as SZA revealed in a statement that "this is just the start of other lip products, including plans to launch stains, liners, and creams all inspired by SZA's “infamous layered lip combinations.”
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So, what is included in the first Not Beauty launch?
The current Not Beauty products available are lip glosses that come in three shades: In the Flesh, Strawberry Jelly, and Quartz.
During my visit to the first LA Not Beauty pop-up activation, I not only had the chance to purchase all three glosses but also took a peek inside the blow-up log tent. Inside, fans got to experience SZA’s love for nature and her fascination with bugs, which are prominently featured in her performances for this tour. At one point, she even had human preying mantis prancing across the stage y'all.
There were blow-up photos of the beauty that is SZA for fans (myself included) to take photos, but in wooden-like tree trunks were a deeper dive into some of the ingredients featured in her products and their benefits.
For example, the glosses feature Hi-Shine Lip Jelly and Shea Butter as key ingredients and some of the listed benefits included are:
- Shea Butter - “A powerhouse ingredient, offering both functional and nourishing benefits.”
- Hi-Shine Lip Jelly (featured in the In the Flesh shade) - “Formula glides on with perfect adhesion to the lips without stickiness).
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What are in the products?
Featured in an orange package, with images of a bug and flower on the side, the back of the box reads: “It’s NOT BEAUTY, it just works. Developed by Solána “SZA” Rowe.
As someone who never leaves home without a good lip gloss, I loved how compact the wood panel packaging is. Perfect to slip into my purse, or in the case of the show at SoFi Stadium, into my pocket when I’m not carrying a bag.
Because I’m a sucker for a good black and brown lip liner and clear gloss combo, I decided to wear the Quartz flavor on night one of the Grand National Tour LA stop, and it did not disappoint. I’ll admit, it’s light weight feel made me nervous because it felt like there was nothing on my lips. However, when I checked my lips in my compact mirror several times throughout the night, I was shocked to find that my gloss was still intact. I only reapplied once out of the habit of looking cute and applying my gloss, but not necessity.
Here are some of the ingredients featured, but not limited to, in the Quartz flavor.
- Polyisoubutene
- Butyrospermum Parkii (Shea)Butter
- Ricinus Communis (Castor) Seed Oil
- Mentha Piperita (Peppermint) Oil
- Tocopherol
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Lip prep
I’m a simple girl who loves to stay true to her roots. So ahead of the show, I stopped by a local Inglewood Beauty Supply store and grabbed a Black and Brown shade lip pencil for just under $2 a piece.
Shading the outline of my lips with the black pencil first, I used the brown to lightly fill the inside of my lips before applying my Quartz Not Beauty shade gloss.
How to apply
There’s truly no right or wrong way to apply lip gloss (in my opinion), with this being a brush applicator sort of product, I simply untwisted the top and swiped the gloss around my top and bottom lip generously.
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Results
Again, my Not Beauty Quartz product stayed on my lips from the start of the show, which began with a fire DJ set from LA’s very own, Mustard, to the conclusion when Kendrick and SZA reunited on stage to send us home to their duet, “luther,” featured on the rapper's GNX album.
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The millennial in me is nostalgic at best...and at worst, deeply, deeply yearning. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t miss the past.
In the days of old, community was never hard to find. It was a knock on the door from a neighborhood friend who needed no invitation. It was trading jokes over lunch and lingering strolls after the final bell. It was choir practice on Saturdays and giggling in the pews on Sundays.
The love was free and plentiful, and my cup runneth over.
But there was a certain rhythm to the ’90s and early 2000s. People were ever-present in the most ordinary ways, and fortunately, this followed me well into adulthood. The door knocks have since turned into tequila shots, and brunch on Sundays became my new sanctuary, but you know...same thing!
However, life has changed drastically, and with it, so have we. Sometimes by force (2020..no other words needed, amirite), and other times by the natural, inevitable flow of growing up.
As we age, our identities become more defined. And while the people we’ve always loved still matter deeply, we start to crave new connections and experiences that reflect who we’re becoming.
When COVID reared its ugly head, not only did it disrupt the lives we knew, it pushed us to reevaluate the lives we want… and the people we want in them. For many, it exposed a loneliness that had already been there beneath the surface. It made space for questions we hadn’t slowed down to ask: What do I truly enjoy? Who do I feel most myself around?
After months of quarantine and isolation, we were left craving connection in a deeper, more intentional way. This sparked a renewed interest in “the third space.”
Coined by sociologist Ray Oldenburg, the term refers to those places beyond home (first space) and work (second space) where people gather, build relationships, and foster community. Think coffee shops, libraries, dance studios, run clubs, and other environments that offer connection outside of our daily obligations.
My own desire to find like-minded folks has only intensified over the past few years. And as a self-proclaimed medicine woman and wellness enthusiast, I went looking for spaces that felt good, and found more than a few.
So if you're in NYC and searching for places that feed your spirit (and tend to your interests), consider this your starter guide. Whether it's a wellness club, a run group, or a kickball league, these third spaces might just feel like home.
A Safe Space Mentor
My Shaylaaa.
What started out as a simple offering from founder Teya Knapp has grown into one of the most intentional, heartfelt communities I’ve had the privilege to be part of. Together with COO Jasmine Dayze, they have cultivated more than a collective—it’s a movement rooted in community care, softness, and restoration.
A nonprofit centered on mental health advocacy and equity, A Safe Space Mentor has redefined the possibilities of communal healing. With over 22 fully funded retreats to date (yes, free), monthly programs ranging from support groups and hikes to pottery classes, free therapy, and now a physical home at A Safe Place Studios, they’ve built an ecosystem where people can show up fully and be accepted just as they are.
I came across them by chance, but as fate would have it, it allowed me to bloom in ways I never saw coming, surrounded by women who affirm and love me in ways I didn’t know I needed. I’m serious, ya’ll. Even at the risk of sounding dramatic: expect to be changed, to find friends, possibly even family, and maybe a group chat, too.
Beyond their no-cost offerings, they also host weekly yoga and meditation classes, massages, and more. Learn more about this beautiful space here, and keep an eye out for their upcoming Juneteenth gathering.
NARC
Who needs Hinge when there’s a run club? (Kidding... kind of.)
NARC, short for Not a Run Club, is technically a run club but with a twist. Co-founded by Omari Ross and Noah Hutchins, NARC takes a holistic approach to fitness and community. Picture track workouts, dynamic circuits, core finishers, followed by a post-workout brunch with the crew. Sure, the occasional match may be made, but at its core, NARC is about connection, movement, and showing up for yourself and others.
It’s the kind of space where most people arrive solo but rarely leave without a new friend or a new perspective. And personally? I never tire of seeing Black men love on one another out loud.
If you’re looking for a solid sweat (not gonna lie, it gives Olympic training at times), laughs, and folks that show up rain or shine, they’ve got you. Beyond the track, they also host boxing classes, hot yoga sessions, social mixers, and a number of other events. NARC meets every Saturday at McCarren Park at 10 a.m. unless otherwise noted. Learn more here.
The Music Nerds
My favorite part about The Music Nerds? The DJ. Scene Serene, a former music journalist turned vibe curator, created this club out of pure love for music and the Black people who create it. And that love is felt in every detail.
Past functions have celebrated Kendrick Lamar, Black women in music, and Virginia legends, each thoughtfully crafted to tell a story through sound. Here, you’re not just dancing, you’re feeling, remembering, and reflecting, too. Additionally, she kicks off each event with icebreaker quote cards to spark conversation, because the vibe isn’t just in the music; it’s also in the people.
That sense of connection comes full circle in her choice of venues, which are always Black-owned spaces that feel safe and inclusive for all Black folk. After all, if we don’t support each other, who will?
This isn’t just a party. It’s a celebration of culture, connection, and Black joy…and yes, it’s free! She’s cooking up some magic for the summer, so follow her here to stay in the loop.
SociaLight Social Club
For the anti-social socialite or the extrovert who wants a little more intimate play, the SociaLight Club might be your sweet spot.
Nayah, the founder, is all about curating intimate, low-pressure gatherings that bring people together through random yet delightful activities, all while supporting Black-owned businesses in the process.
From coworking days to supper clubs and nights building LEGOs, it’s the kind of space where you can show up as you are and end up discovering new people and new passions. It’s chill, it’s intentional, and very much a vibe. Keep up with her events here.
Recess Kickball League
Black folks deserve to frolic, dilly-dally, and straight-up play. And that’s the spirit behind Recess Kickball League. Though kickball is the anchor, it’s really about reclaiming joy through movement and connection.
Founded by five friends during the lockdowns of 2020 (Emmanuel Maduakolam, Christopher Thomas, Cris Jones, Daemon “Tubbs” Krueger, and Ermias Tessema), the club started as a way to get outside and let loose, and now it’s blossomed into a thriving community with leagues in both LA and Brooklyn.
If you’ve been looking for field day vibes and opportunities to love on your inner child, keep up with them here.
The Free Black Women’s Library
Tucked in the heart of Bed-Stuy, The Free Black Women’s Library is a cozy nook that centers Black women and holds space for book lovers, creatives, and community-builders alike.
Founded by OlaRonke Akinmowo, it functions as more than a library but a cultural hub. While every book is written by a Black woman or non-binary author, she also hosts grief workshops, writing circles, and curated events that honor both healing and imagination, too. Their monthly calendar is packed with offerings that meet you where you are, celebrating who we are and who we’re becoming.
And the best part? You don’t have to buy a book, you can swap one. Bring something you’ve read, and leave with something new. Keep up with them here.
Peak & Pace
This one’s for the runners and the lovers. If you’re looking to meet your future bae who’s into fitness and a good Sunday reset, Peak & Pace might just be your new favorite link.
Founded by London native Owen Akhibi after relocating to NYC, the club was born out of something a lot of us know too well: feeling a little lonely in a big city. So he created a space that brings people together who just so happen to run.
Every meetup ends with a social, and some runs come with fun themes like wearing flags repping your country to wristbands signaling your relationship status (lovers tap in!). Off the track, they host yoga, comedy nights, parties, and other events to build real connections. They meet every Saturday at Prospect Park at 10 a.m. Tap in with them here.
Free Peace Meditation Club
Free Peace Meditation Club offers a rare pause in the middle of NYC’s bustling Lower East Side, encouraging folks to be still in the midst of chaos while finding beauty in it, too. What began as a simple conversation between Kenji Summers and Angelo Baque has blossomed into a welcoming sanctuary where New Yorkers gather to unplug, recenter, and recharge.
Hosted monthly at the artfully decorated Awake NY, this community-driven experience invites participants to reconnect through guided reflection, mindful breathwork, and thoughtfully curated music that features the rich sounds of New York’s rap, R&B, and jazz artists. FPANYMC stands as a powerful affirmation that stillness is not a luxury but an essential practice. Keep up with them here.
Knot Okay Club
This one’s for the soft girls, the creatives, and anyone who’s ever needed to crochet their stress away.
Knot Okay Club brings Black women and non-binary folks together through fiber arts. It’s about slowing down, making something with your hands, and feeling held while you do it. The work might be small and intentional, but the connection? That’s the magic. Learn more about them here.
Girls That Gather
Lauren Franco started Girls That Gather after moving to NYC and realizing just how hard it can be to find genuine connections as an adult.
What began as a way to bring women together has grown into a go-to space for meaningful conversation and real friendship. From curated dinner parties to small, cozy events, everything is designed to feel easy and intentional. No awkward networking energy, just good vibes and even better people. Learn more about them here.
Adanne Bookshop
Adanne is one of those places that makes you want to linger.
Tucked away in Brooklyn and owned by educator Darlene Okpo, this Black woman-owned bookshop is as intentional as it is inviting. The books are curated with care, the energy is warm, and the events, from author talks to community gatherings to incense-making, always leave you a little more full than when you walked in.
It’s not just a bookstore; it’s a cultural anchor. Check out their events here.
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Featured image by Clarke Sanders on Unsplash