
tracee ellis ross
Tracee Ellis Ross On Unpacking Messaging Around Being 'Chosen' & Being A Mother In Her Own Terms
As far as I'm concerned, there's rarely a moment when Tracee Ellis Ross doesn't say something quotable or that makes me unshakeably exclaim, "Preach" accompanied by six or seven snaps of my appreciation of her unfiltered and deeply resonant truths. Though I admire her talents and what she has contributed to the culture with iconic characters like Girlfriends' Joan Clayton and Black-ish's Rainbow and the gift to the natural hair community that is PATTERN, I am in awe of Tracee Ellis Ross as the woman.
Doused in self-confidence, self-awareness, and self-mastery, and all around deeply connected with herself, Tracee is the embodiment of a marvel of a woman who is always true to who she is. And upon listening to a recent appearance of hers on the popular podcast, We Can Do Hard Things with Glennon Doyle, I was reminded of that fact yet again. Keep reading for some gems the 50-year-old multihyphenate shared while there.
On unpacking messaging of needing to be chosen being her sole purpose as a woman:
"We go back to this model that you are sold, that we not only are we sold it, but we are fed it. And we have to drink it, and it’s everywhere. And if you are not careful, you actually think it’s true. And it’s the only bit of news for you, which is that my job as a woman is to learn to be choosable, having nothing to do with who I am, what makes my heart sing, floats my boat, makes me feel safe, makes me feel comfortable, makes me feel good, makes me feel powerful, makes me feel smart, any of those things, but really [my job as a woman] is more about how I might be seen so that I might be chosen so that my life could mean something as a 'chosen woman' who then gets to have a child and then be a mother and do that for a child.
"So our culture sells us this and there’s nothing wrong with that journey. But [there's nothing wrong with that] if it’s a chosen journey, as opposed to the one that you think is going to make you worth anything. And then everything starts to fall into that messaging.
"I have been grateful enough to have found places where there are eons of tools and different ways to unpack that crazy messaging, [and] make sense of it in a way that actually gives me a shot at genuine happiness and a robust life that’s actually mine. And it’s like a daily reprieve. Some days are better than others. Some days, the old messaging comes in, sweeps in and I have got a really nice matching story that goes with it of my unlovability. That narrative that just kind of travels along with it. And if I am not careful and go into that thinking alone, I get stuck there. And then, you come out."
On the self-connection strategies that stop her from believing everything her mind tells her:
"Friendships. I have practices of healing and support that I lean towards. Therapy, some of which I keep sacred and private, some of those, but I don’t share them necessarily publicly. But friendship has been the biggest [strategy] and the willingness to be completely transparent. And to be able to call people when I am on the floor, whether it’s metaphorically or physically on the floor... I think it’s friendship, the tools that tether me... tether me to what I like best about my life, which is the basic things. Like, my favorite part of my life is my life.
"I love all the stuff, but I really like making my bed in the morning or doing laundry or making my food or taking the garbage out, like just the basics that really tether me to my own humanity and my own sense of self, and being able to show up and be of service and all of those things. ... It’s honestly like my mind is a wonderful place. It gets dangerous when I get connected to the really bad horror story that I have been stitching together since I was young. And somehow if I fall back into that groove, it is so dangerous up there. And then everything’s colored by the wrong information. Everything!"
On learning how not to abandon herself and hold space for unlovable moments:
"It’s interesting. I have really learned how to do that. Because I think that I have abandoned myself way too many times. Way too many times. But each time in the aftermath of the hurt, I do ask myself the question of how do I not end up here again. And what I have discovered is I will end up here again.
"...It’s funny, I just, I have been nursing another, just deep disappointment. And my little inner child was, she was just crying, just crying so hard. And for the first time, I was able to sit with her. And I was like, 'Here’s the thing, my love, I am not going anywhere. I am not going anywhere. I don’t know. I don’t know how to be anybody else. I just don’t. But what I know how to do, is to be me. And to just hold that space with as much compassion and curiosity and gentleness as possible, and to find all the things even if it’s a bag of frickin Funyuns.' Like, what is it? What is it that we need today to just try and hold that space of love?
"I think that’s the thing we are sold. That’s wrong. I don’t know that life is supposed to be a thing that just feels good all the time. But how can we hold the spaces and the days and the periods when it just doesn’t feel good? And I just feel so unlovable, and like how can I have the hurt without deciding it means I am unlovable? How do you not give meaning to it? And that’s where the work is like in that little space."
On being a mother and defining womanhood and fertility for herself in her own life:
"I am a wonderful mother. Wonderful! And I am very mothering. And it’s been hard for me to claim that. In a world where I don’t have the thing that says, I mean, what did I...? What was I just writing...? [It] was [a] journal entry from like three or four days ago:
"'I can feel my body’s ability to make a child draining out of me. Sometimes I find it hilarious as if there’s a fire sale going on, in my uterus, and someone’s in there screaming, 'All things must go!' ...As my body becomes a foreign place, to me that doesn’t really feel safe or like home and I don’t know how to manage or control or fight the external binary narrative of the patriarchy that has hunted me and haunted me most of my adult life. Is it my fertility that is leaving me? Is it my womanhood? Or is it really neither? But I have to fight to hold my truth. Because I have been programmed so successfully by the water we all swim in, by the water, we all are served.
"'And I feel fertile with creativity, full of power, more and more a woman than I have ever been. And yet, that power that I was told, I must use was not used. A power, I mean, just trying to figure out sort of what that means, like, because my ability to have a child is leaving me but like, I don’t agree that that’s what fertile means. I don’t agree that that’s what woman means..."
Listen to the podcast episode in full below:
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Hair Tales, the new OWN six-part docuseries hailing from the minds of noted documentarian and executive producer Michaela Angela Davis, media mogul Oprah Winfrey, and everyone’s best friend in their head Tracee Ellis Ross who produces and hosts the series, tells the beautifully complicated relationship Black women have with our hair through a historical, political, and sisterly context.
Each episode uses the story of a famous Black woman we’ve all come to love and adore as a conduit to discuss the larger cultural context in which our relationship with our hair exists. xoNecole has compiled a list of our favorite moments from the series packed with standout moments.
“Our strength, our beauty, our power is in our crowns … but we are not those things also” — Tracee Ellis Ross
In the episode centered around Representative Ayana Pressley, she speaks about the painful decision to cut off all her hair after suffering from alopecia totalis, which caused her hair to come out in clumps. However, Rep. Pressley’s journey of losing her hair liberated her, so much so that after wearing a wig on the house floor once, she decided from then on to show her head in all its glory.
“What I admired about women who changed up their hair a lot is that they were free” – Dr. Tiffany Gill
Our favorite Awkward Black Girl Issa Rae talks to Tracee about the decision to cut off all her hair over a decade ago. Her journey with her hair would intertwine with her personal and professional journey as she launched her hit web series with the premiere episode showing her character shaving off her hair. “I was born — I was reborn — in a new way,” she said. Looking at her hair throughout the years, you can track the evolution of Rae as a person by the varying hairstyles, as she has admitted in an interview that she started experimenting with her hair more as she learned more about it.
“If we can legislate hurt and harm, then we can legislate healing and justice” — Ayanna Pressley
The Crown Act, a bill co-sponsored by Pressley, seeks to end hair discrimination against Black people in schools and in the workplace. The bill, which is currently sitting in the Senate, if passed would be a bold step forward in combating toxic ideals about who or what is or isn’t considered to be professional. That not only could natural hair be beautiful, but it could also exist in the workplace and classrooms.
“I live in God’s dream for me” — Oprah Winfrey
The executive producer of Hair Tales Oprah Winfrey speaks about her own relationship with her hair, which dates back to her childhood. She was taught that straight long hair was what was considered to be the pinnacle of beauty. The award-winning host even recalled a moment early in her career when her boss insisted she straightened her hair, even going as far as to recommend plastic surgery in order to assimilate to white beauty standards.
Feature image by LaylaBird/ Getty Images
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Tracee Ellis Ross Breaks Down What ‘Wander, Ponder, And Be’ Means To Her
As Tracee Ellis Ross preps for her 50th birthday on October 29, the black-ish star is reflecting on the many things she’s learned along the way. One of those things is “wander, ponder, be,” which she uses to help her write speeches. During her interview with Hoda & Jenna, the beloved comedic actress gave insight into what those three words actually mean and how she applies them to her life. “I started figuring out the wander, ponder, be’s whenever I was writing a speech. Because in order to write a speech you just sort of have something come in from the inside,” she explained.
If it’s one thing that the Golden Globe winner is known for outside of acting, it’s her gift of gab. From her hilarious skits on social media to her energetic conversations in interviews, Tracee has always known how to use her voice and it also shines through in her speeches. Her speech during the 2017 Glamour's Women of the Year Summit went viral after she spoke against women’s accomplishments being diminished due to them not being married and/ or starting a family. It appears we have Tracee’s 'wander, ponder, and be' strategy to thank for that.
“I really needed time to wander, ponder, be and social media does not allow it,” she continued. “Because you take all your downtime so I like to give myself a chance to wander, to not know where I’m going but just wander, have time to just ponder, and just kinda play in the imagination of my mind and to be.”
She added, “And my favorite part of my life is my life like making food, and like going to the market and being in my life.”
While she isn’t shy about using her voice to speak on matters of the world, there is one thing she struggled to use her voice for—singing. Tracee shared that she always wanted to sing but was “too terrified” to follow in her mother, the great Diana Ross’, footsteps. She finally faced that fear after starring in the film The High Notewhere she plays a singer. But she recently realized that not using her gift of singing was only holding her back from creating new experiences in her life.
“What was interesting was as I was learning how to sing…I felt like I opened lifeways, not pathways but lifeways,” she said. “Not that I was necessarily meant to be a singer, but by cutting off that part of myself just because I was afraid, I had closed off certain doors to part of my identity and myself, and so things just started to open up when I found my voice.”
In need of a little motivation? Keep reading for 9 more noteworthy gems about life that Tracee has dropped over the years.
Tracee Ellis Ross on the Advice That’s Guided Her Through Life:
"There are two things that have been the biggest guides through my life. The first one is: Follow your heart and trust your instincts. The second is: What other people think is none of your business and even sometimes what you think of yourself is none of your business. Sometimes it’s about staying in action as opposed to trying to decide how to make people think a certain way about you." - via WSJ
On Lessons She Has Learned as an Entrepreneur:
"One is to trust my instincts. Two is, there’s so much more involved than I ever had any idea of—and I knew there was a lot involved. The biggest lessons have been around the consistency of relationships and communication with retail partners and also my team…. Because it is an hourly thing, particularly right now during the supply-chain issues that are going on. And then the last thing is, you don’t need a degree in CEO-dom or entrepreneurship in order to run a successful company. You need to surround yourself with very informed and excellent people and remain teachable without losing focus on your vision." - via WSJ
On Finding Meaning in Life:
"I feel that to a certain extent, we are the first generation of choice for women, who have had the opportunity to actually choose the lives they want to live…. The cultural expectation for women that they are meant to be mothers and married and that that is almost what makes their lives valid creates a scenario that I push up against in general. There's many places where that happens in our culture that I think are very limiting for women in terms of finding meaning in their own lives." - via Good Housekeeping
On Showing Her Full Self on Social Media:
“One of the reasons that I share so much on social media is that I recently turned 49. At this age, self-care, self-love, joy and drinking plenty of water are what keep your body strong. I love posting about this because it gives you the full picture of who I am. I’m not always the perfect Tracee on the red carpet. That’s not how I wake up. Various other things are needed for that.” via Elle Canada
Rich Fury/VF22/Getty Images for Vanity Fair
On Living Life on Her Own Terms:
"I didn’t see enough examples of different versions of how a woman can find happiness and joy and power and sensuality, sexuality, all of that, without it being through the lens of how I’m seen by a man. People are like, 'You’re the poster child for being single.' And I was like, 'Great.' But what I would prefer is that I’m the poster child for living my life on my terms. And that there’s a version of that for everyone.
"I don’t live my life for other people. I just totally live it for me. This is something that has really solidified itself into an unbreakable, unshakable foundation in the last four or five years." via Harper's Bazaar
On the Power of Her Womanhood:
"There's a power I started to feel when I began to call myself a woman that I wasn't tapped into as a younger girl. I've witnessed it in friends of mine and in people I don't know. It's the power that generates from this idea that our bodies can create life—even though not every woman creates life. It's a woman's ability to look at life a certain way, to create in a certain way, to be of service in a certain way, to care in a certain way." - via Glamour
On Detaching Herself From the Opinions of Others:
"What other people think about me is none of my business. Sometimes even what I think about myself is not my business. Opinions are like assholes: We’ve all got them. What I know is that I wake up every day trying to do my best. I know that my heart and my intention is in the right place. And if somebody points something out to me that I actually think is constructive and loving and I agree and I need to take accountability for it, I can do that. My selfhood and my sense of self can withstand appropriate criticism." via The Cut
On Finding Support in Dark Moments:
"The key is you ask yourself, What do I need right now? I’ve cultivated a relationship with myself where I know I have choices…. I have a toolbox of ways I can find support; journaling is helpful, or meditation. And I have had to really make friends with loneliness. And know the difference between choice-ful solitude and lonely. [I find comfort in] being able to name it, to say I’m feeling lonely, then to have a tribe of people I feel safe enough with to share: This is how I feel.
"I don’t have the luxury of not going to work when I don’t feel up to it. Most people don’t. On those days, I acknowledge I am feeling f-cking crappy, and I’m not at my best, and I still want to or need to keep walking forward. I have to do some of my best work on my worst days. I have to look pretty even when I don’t feel pretty. There’s a way to hold both things." - via Glamour
On How She Owns Her Own Narrative:
"By not letting other people’s ideas of me change my idea of myself. It means holding my own counsel and navigating my life on my compass, which is about my relationship with higher power, my relationship with those I trust and love." via The Cut
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Tracee Ellis Ross is one of Hollywood’s most entertaining and beloved people and according to her, she doesn't look a “day over 50” (and she’s right). The black-ish star has reached many milestones in her career from starting a hair care line to becoming the first Black woman in 35 years to win a Golden Globe for Best Actress in a TV Comedy or Musical and in October she will be reaching a personal milestone, turning 50.
The Emmy-nominated actress attended the 2022 D23 Expo where she was honored as a Disney Legend. During a red carpet interview with Extra, Tracee opened up about the Big 5-0 and her ageless beauty.
“The secret, water, and lots of laughter,” Tracee stated as the reason behind her youthful appearance.
While she has already fulfilled so much in her life, she is looking forward to accomplishing much more in her next chapter and said that her life is just beginning.
“I’d love to get married, I’d love to write a book, I’d love to do an action movie, I’d love to keep doing movies,” she said.
When asked what criteria she was looking for in a man, the Pattern Beauty founder joked “legends only.” But she also made it clear that she is only getting married if it’s the right person and they can make her life better. And she doesn’t mind waiting.
Tracee has been vocal about living life on her own terms and not allowing society’s ideals about women to influence her decisions. Here are the many times Tracee showed wisdom beyond her years.
“I feel that to a certain extent, we are the first generation of choice for women, who have had the opportunity to actually choose the lives they want to live…. The cultural expectation for women that they are meant to be mothers and married and that that is almost what makes their lives valid creates a scenario that I push up against in general. There’s many places where that happens in our culture that I think are very limiting for women in terms of finding meaning in their own lives.” via Good Housekeeping.
"Listen, learning to be me has been a really long journey. I tried being small and feeling things in little ways. It took me a long time to get to know myself, to accept myself, and even on some days to really like and love myself. And then it took me a whole other load of years to have the courage to actually live in the world as that person. And it’s been trial and error, chewing on ground glass. It’s been a hard-earned journey of self-discovery and self-acceptance. I mean, I came out of the womb like this. I literally think I was like, 'Woo-hoo! I’m here. What have you got? Let’s go!'" via Harper’s Bazaar.
“I’ve always been excited about getting older. I love getting wiser and having more experience. I mean, don’t get me wrong, I have vulnerabilities and discomforts around my age, but trying to pretend or hide the things that I feel insecure or uncomfortable about doesn’t make them any less comfortable, you know?” “Also,” she says, “it’s actually a real honour to get older. Not everybody has that honour, with everything going on in this country, with all of the violence and the children that don’t get to live that long…” via The Guardian.
"My weight fluctuates. I have years where I wear a size 10, and years where I wear a size 4. On Girlfriends I kept complaining to the costumer, saying, ‘The cleaners are shrinking all my clothes.’ Finally she said, ‘I know that’s what you keep saying, but I want to be clear with you: Your body has changed, and we need to buy you bigger clothes.’ It took me out for a minute. In the context of our world, sizes 8 and 10 are teeny, but not for Hollywood. I had to ask myself, Do I want to be somebody who worries about what I’m eating? Or do I want to find a balance where I can be healthy and not consumed by that and maybe have to buy some larger pants? I bought new pants.” via Glamour.
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Why Single Black Women Celebs Deserve More Than 'Why Aren't You Married' Questions
When you know your worth and value, you refuse to accept anything less than what you deserve. One thing about Tracee Ellis Ross (and so many Black women) is that she more than understands her value and has “no interest in being in a relationship just to be in a relationship.” She stated in a recent interview on Kevin Hart’s Hart to Heart show, “I’m a rare breed.”
Kevin did in fact give Tracee her flowers and celebrated her success throughout the interview, but at one point, the conversation started to feel as if a mystery was being explored through her vulnerability when the topic of relationships came up. The infamous question: why are you still single?
Although Kevin didn’t directly ask Tracee “why are you still single,” I wasn’t convinced that Kevin believed that Tracee could be successful, single, content, and not have something wrong with her. Sometimes, when you know who you are and stand in your truth, it’s hard for others to accept a reality that’s different from their own.
As Tracee started to share what a healthy relationship looks like for her, Kevin offered up a plethora of questions and assumptions:
“That’s why you’re not meeting them because you keep going to the jazz bar.” (jokingly)
“I think that you know what you want so much that it’s hard for a guy…you have no patience.” “How much patience do you have?”
“How fast is the off button?”
“How fast do you go there and say ‘I don’t like that’?”
Question after question, it seemed as if Kevin was determined to pinpoint the reason for Tracee’s singleness like a doctor trying to diagnose their patient. Never mind that she previously stated how she refused to settle and wasn’t looking for a relationship just for the heck of it. Never mind her success. Instead, the questioning suggested that something must be wrong with Tracee, which is often the assumption for so many successful Black women.
Unfortunately, a lot of these notions are driven by a history of patriarchy, misogyny, and antiquated views of women in society.
Kevin even went on to ask, “Are there triggers?” Talk about being triggered. Part of being triggered is when people try to tell you why you’re still single. News flash: men and women – whether single or married - have triggers, and triggers don’t just disappear especially when they’re rooted in childhood trauma and past experiences.
As if that wasn’t enough, the discussion of children also came up. At one point Kevin asked Tracee, “Are kids a thing?” Despite the nonchalant feeling behind the question, Tracee actually shared how she tried to have children on her own, as well as the “grief that came with it.”
Tracee stated, “I always thought a child would come out of ‘I love them so much.’ I did want kids but the window of desire has closed.” Nevertheless, she said she’s still open to the idea with the right person.
While I respect interviewers wanting to go deeper, some people don’t always understand how questions can open up wounds that people may not be prepared or want to discuss. Whether you’re a celebrity or not, you don’t always know what a woman has endured in order to get to where she is especially when it comes to having children.
It’s similar to the ridiculous statements I hear when people ask me, “Why don’t you have any children,” or “I guess you don’t want children.” There goes those assumptions again. People don’t think about the fact that some women have chosen not to have children, while some of us have been hit with the reality of infertility struggles, illnesses (actual diagnoses), and the fact that ultimately we are not in control.
Oftentimes, people assume women are single by force rather than choice, or that single women are overwhelmed with despair simply because of their single status. Despite the multitude of successes, the belief tends to be that there’s no way a woman can feel complete or truly be successful without being in a relationship.
However, success is not determined by your relationship status.
Singleness is not a synonym for sorrow.
Singleness is not a burden.
Singleness doesn’t mean 'unsuccessful.'
Whether it’s the self-proclaimed relationship guru on social media, the preacher in the pulpit, or a celebrity interviewer, Black women do not need the unsolicited, unprofessional, unsubstantiated so-called “diagnosis” and theories to try to explain their singleness. We’re not asking men the same questions. So, why are we repeatedly asking women?
While I’m a huge advocate that all of us – men and women – have to do the work to become better versions of ourselves, we shouldn’t support the narrative that something has to be wrong with you just because you’re single.
Despite all of the questioning, I loved how Tracee handled everything with humor and grace. As she so eloquently stated during the conversation: “We don’t have to be narrowed into what other people’s idea is of us [Black women]…I want people to feel good in their skin.”
My sisters, don’t allow anyone to make you feel like something’s wrong with you or that you’re “off track” just because your life looks different from theirs. People often project their plans and desires onto you based on what they want for themselves, but everyone’s journey is different. You don’t have to subscribe to other people’s timelines and societal pressures.
To the rest of the world, let Tracee Ellis Ross, and whoever else, live their lives, enjoy their success, and enjoy what they do have instead of constantly making them feel as if their success is less significant without a relationship.
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Featured image by David M. Benett/Dave Benett/Getty Images for PATTERN Beauty by Tracee Ellis Ross
Tracee Ellis Ross’ timeless beauty isn’t just in her genes, she also takes self-care seriously. If you take one glimpse at her Instagram page, you will see the actress working out, doing beauty treatments, and sharing her hair solutions with her Pattern Beauty line. From drinking lemon water to wearing little to no makeup, the black-ish star unveils all her self-care secrets in an interview with British Vogue.
Tracee Ellis Ross On How She Wakes Up In the Morning
“This is going to sound strange but I use my tongue scraper before I drink any water or eat. Then I like to have a glass of lemon water and take my supplements. I will also usually go and work out, and beforehand will try and eat something – you’re supposed to eat a little sugar, like apple sauce or something, and then take a protein shake after. I’m not a coffee drinker, so I don’t have a major morning routine, nor do I have kids or a dog right now – so it’s all about me.”
Tracee On Her Wellness Routine
“I meditate. I haven’t been as diligent recently because the pandemic messed with my routine, but I am very much one of those people. I also do Gyrotonics and Gyrokinesis – it’s sort of a connection to the body. I really believe that staying connected to my body is where I gain a sense of wholeness for myself.”
Tracee On Rituals That Help Her to Relax and Switch Off
“My biggest is a bath – I love them. I will take a bath at 5:30 in the morning, before work. I put magnesium flakes in because I work out so much. A really hot bath is a great gentle start to the day, and I also do this thing where I stand up in the bath and do a full cold rinse with the shower. It’s really good for you.”
Tracee On Her Secret to a Life Well-Lived
“Joy, as much laughter as possible, good sleep. [Being around] as many trees as possible and eating as much whole and beautiful food and you can. Friends and family. Oh, and beautiful clothes!”
Tracee Ellis Ross On Her Own Hair Routine
“For me, personally, I don’t wear any make-up on my skin. It’s usually earrings, lipstick, and hair – they are my best accessories. I believe for both my skin and hair that it’s all about hydration, hydration, hydration – I focus on the water I put in [my body] and the moisture that I put onto my skin and my hair.”
“I wash my hair maybe once a week, but because I work out so much I do a co-wash. I’m really big on deep conditioning so I will pick one of the conditioners and fill my hair with it. Often I’ll put on the moisture mask and do house chores. My hair routine is pretty simple: I wash, condition, and use the Pattern shower brush, which is my favorite. It creates the curls, then I use our leave-in conditioner and either let it air dry or diffuse it – I like it when it gets really fluffy and big. I often make it even bigger once it’s dry by using our hair pick and really getting into the root of the hair.”
“My hair is usually best on day one, so I leave it out, and then that night, before bed, I brush it out with a paddle brush and put a little bit of our Jojoba Oil in my hair. I don’t sleep with a cap or anything on. Then towards the rest of the week, I either braid or slick back – I love a slicked-back look. I think it’s so elegant. I travel and work out in a slicked-back look, and use the styling cream in the front so it gets nice and shiny, like satin.”
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Featured image by Stefanie Keenan/Getty Images for H&M