Aley Arion is a writer and digital storyteller from the South, currently living in sunny Los Angeles. Her site, yagirlaley.com, serves as a digital diary to document personal essays, cultural commentary, and her insights into the Black Millennial experience. Follow her at @yagirlaley on all platforms!
Why We'll Probably Never Hear Lupita Nyong'o Share Her Relationship With The World
Lupita Nyong'o is sharing a transparent look into her life after a recent breakup.
In a cover story for NET-A-PORTER, the A Quiet Place: Day One star shed light on the significant heartbreak she experienced following the end of her relationship with ex-boyfriend and TV host, Selema Masekela.
As a public figure, Nyong'o, 39, sought to divulge the news of the breakup in hopes of presenting a more authentic perspective on the pain that follows a separation.
"I was living in a lot of pain and heartbreak," she told the publication. "I looked at the environment of my social media and thought I don’t want to be a part of this illusion that everything is always coming up roses. Surely there is a lesson for me to learn in this, and I just want to be real about it."
The Black Panther star went on to explain that her choice to be transparent with her fans about her breakup came from the certainty she felt after ending the relationship. “In my mind, when I shared my relationship status with the world, it was because I felt sure about it,” she said.
While she didn’t know how the news would land with her fans, she found relief in knowing she wasn’t alone in her experience.
“I knew how it could be interpreted; I knew it would have a life of its own,” she reflects. “But then I started to see the comments and people were being so loving and supportive. The ones that moved me the most were other people sharing their pain and their heartbreak.”
Nyong'o and Masekela went Instagram official in December 2022, publicly announcing their relationship in a couple's video. In October 2023, Nyong'o took to her personal Instagram account to share the news of her breakup in her caption, writing, "At this moment, it is necessary for me to share a personal truth and publicly dissociate myself from someone I can no longer trust.”
She continued the vulnerable note, "I find myself in a season of heartbreak because of a love suddenly and devastatingly extinguished by deception. I am tempted to run into the shadows and hide, only to return to the light when I have regained my strength enough for me to say, 'Whatever, my life is better this way.' But I am reminded that the magnitude of the pain I am feeling is equal to the measure of my capacity for love."
These days, Nyong'o tells NET-A-PORTER that she is prioritizing profound self-discovery that extends beyond her career. She notes having a deliberate and unhurried approach to understanding herself.
She also alludes to keeping her relationships private moving forward after noting it was "very, very sage" of her not to talk about her private life professionally in the days before her last relationship. "I'm going back to those days by the way," Nyong'o shares of her reinstated boundaries around her personal life.
Earlier this month, Nyong'o made headlines alongside her new boyfriend actor Joshua Jackson. Nyong'o and Jackson went through public splits from their respective SOs in October 2023, with the latter splitting from his long-time partner Jodie Turner-Smith following her divorce filing from the Dawson's Creek alum.
The pair have been spotted together as early as December 2023, but nothing screamed "couple" quite as loudly as their recent getaway to Mexico for Nyong'o's 41st birthday featuring passionate displays of affection.
"Our purpose in life is to love. And so you have to get back in it," she tells the outlet, seemingly alluding to her budding new romance.
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Sheila Rashid's Androgynous Approach To Unisex Clothing Is A Lesson In Embracing Individuality
The ItGirl 100 List, in partnership with Hyundai, is a celebration of 100 Black women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table.
For Sheila Rashid, it all started with some free-hand drawings and a few strokes of paint.
The Chicago-based clothing designer and creative director of Sheila Rashid Brand recalls using her spare time in high school to hand paint designs on t-shirts and distressed hoodies, distributing them to classmates as walking billboards for her art.
Rashid sought to pursue fashion design at Columbia College in Chicago but eventually took the self-taught route to build upon her knack for crafting one-of-a-kind, androgynous pieces.
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Thanks to the mentorship of local designers taking her under their wings, Rashid was able to gain valuable experience in putting together collections and creating patterns; equipping her with them with the necessary skills to pursue her own collections.
After two years of living in New York, Rashid returned home to the Chi and uncovered the unique flair she could offer the city. “I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world,” she tells xoNecole. “That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
For the Midwest native, inspiration comes from her time around creative peers and the city’s notorious winters — known to be a main character in many Chicagoans stories. “It's a different perspective and mindset when I'm making stuff because of the weather here,” she explains. “When we get summer, it’s ‘Summertime Chi’ — it's amazing. It's beautiful. Still, I find myself always making clothes that cater to the winter.”
"I moved to New York after that because I wanted to be in the fashion capital world. That's when I really got a leg up. I found myself when I moved back to Chicago after moving to New York.”
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Many designers have a signature aesthetic or theme in their creations. In Rashid’s design story, dancing between the lines of femininity and masculinity is how she’s been able to distinguish herself within the industry. Her androgynous clothing has garnered the eye of celebrities like Zendaya, Chance the Rapper, WNBA star Sydney Colson, and more — showing her range and approach to designs with inclusivity in mind.
“I think I do reflect my own style,” she says. “When I do make pieces, I'm very tomboyish, androgynous. My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes.” From denim to overalls, and color-drenched outerwear, Rashid has mastered the structure of statement pieces that tell a story.
“Each collection, I never know what's going to be the thing I'm going to focus on. I try to reflect my own style and have fun with the storytelling,” she shares. “I look at it more like it's my art in this small way of expressing myself, so it's not that calculated.”
"My work is unisex because I feel like everybody can wear it. I cater to everybody and that's how I try to approach my clothes."
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Still, if you were able to add up all the moments within Rashid’s 20-year career in design, one theme that has multiplied her into becoming an “ItGirl” is her confidence to take up space within the fashion industry as a queer, Black woman. “Being an ItGirl is about being yourself, loving what you do, finding your niche, and mastering that,” she says.
No matter where you are on your ItGirl journey, Rashid says to always remain persistent and never hesitate to share your art with the world. “Don’t give up. Even if it's something small, finish it and don't be afraid to put it out,” she says, “It's about tackling your own fear of feeling like you have to please everybody, but just please yourself, and that's good enough.”
To learn more about the ItGirl 100 List, view the full list here.
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Keith Powers On His Grooming Routine & Expressing Himself Through His Hair
Keith Powers is taking his crown back — that being his hair.
From a young age, the 30-year-old actor recalls having little say on how his hair was presented. As many of his friends and cousins had the liberty to experiment with hairstyles like cornrows, plaits, and fros, Powers’ parents opted for an easier look: a no-fuss, bald fade. “Man, I just want to grow my hair out,” he tells xoNecole. “When I was young, and I was like, 'Yo, when I get older, I'm doing whatever I want to my hair.'”
In time, Powers’ desire to test the limits of his hair’s potential grew from an act of intentional rebellion to a symbol of pride in his culture and textured hair. From his signature fade to red-carpet-ready tapered cut topped with curls, the New Edition Story star is no stranger to experimentation and switching his styles up. “That's why I do so many things like dye my hair," he shares. “It's just having pride in my hair, my look, and how I want to style it because my hair is a representation of how I feel in the moment.”
As one of Hollywood’s most talented stars, Power understands the influence of Black culture when setting trends and moving the needle within the industry.
A recent shift within the men’s grooming space has made room for an increasing focus on personal style and the creative pioneering in men’s hairstyling. With this in mind, Powers is using his platform to support and celebrate the new wave of Black men’s hair expression, in every way they choose to wear it. “I’m learning that there’s really no limitation on what I want to do with my hair,” he says. “Whatever I'm expressing with my hairstyle doesn't define who I am as a person.”
KISS Colors & Care and Keith Powers have joined forces in a new partnership that highlights the brand's signature collection designed specifically for curly and coily hair textures. Their custom line of products and accessories range from the Twist Curl Gel, and Twist King, to a curated selection of brushes, picks, durags, and sponges to help men nourish and protect their hair while also expressing the versatility and diversity of textured hairstyles.
Powers spoke to xoNecole about his hair grooming routine, how his hair allows him to express his personal style, and what he hopes to impart to his future children about loving and embracing their natural hair.
xoNecole: One thing that’s clear about your personal haircare/style over the years is that you’re not afraid to play around with classic haircuts like a fade, the tapered high top you have now. How has your exploration through these hairstyles influenced your overall sense of identity and self-expression?
Keith Powers: Growing up, I felt like my hair wasn’t presentable until it was cut all the way off. That’s kind of how my family would make it sound. Maybe there's a little baby trauma, but my parents were young, and they were learning. Now, I know I can express myself through my hair, and I don’t have to feel like my hair isn't professional in this setting because no matter what hairstyle you have, you can make it professional. I'm expressing myself now, and I know that doesn't define who I am like in the workplace or professionally.
xoN: Talk to us a little bit about your personal grooming routine. What are some of the products or brands that you reach for when it comes to your personal care?
KP: That's what I'm still trying to figure out. I always grew up not really having much hair on my head, but the Kiss Twist Gel Hair Gel has really been helpful with holding my hair together after hitting it with the curling sponge.
I really like to condition my hair as much as I can throughout the week. I try to do a treatment, like a treatment, and then I condition it. I switch so many conditioners — I just know I need to condition my hair because my scalp gets really dry. But I think I'm still really learning how to take care of my hair and that's with asking my friends for advice on different products to keep my hair moisturized. I think that's the hardest thing for me. I really feel like my hair dries out really fast. So it's a constant battle every day, but this is a fun one.
xoN: You’ve spoken openly about the significant role your father has played in your life and your desires of being a father and husband yourself one day. What would you teach your future children about self-care and self-expression?
KP: I think about that a lot. Kids really like to imitate what they see, so as a parent, you gotta find that balance of, okay, I want them to express themselves, but I have to do what's convenient for me and my kid when we’re getting ready in the morning.
I would love it if my future daughter wanted locs, but at the same time, she might want to switch things up and want to try different things. I just want my future kids to know that their hair, whatever texture it is, is beautiful and that they can express themselves how they want.
xoN: What advice would you give to others looking to experiment more with their hair and personal style?
KP: Just like Coach Prime says, ‘When you look good, you play good, and they pay.’ So it's really just about how you feel. I get inspired by watching films and animation, too. If I'm watching an animation, I'm like, ‘Yo, this hairstyle is fire, I could see myself doing something close to that.’ Sometimes, my hair makes me feel like a superhero. When I dye my hair, I really feel like a character out of a movie; it inspires and motivates what I wear, too. However you’re feeling, do it.
As you're looking for your look, or if you already have your look, just try different things. It’s fun and dope to see people, especially our people, express themselves with their hair because we can do so much with our hair, why minimize?
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Over the last few years, there’s been a growing interest in individuals seeking support for mental health outside of their immediate circle. While traditional talk therapy is a common point of entry, allowing individuals to express their thoughts, emotions, and concerns verbally, some may find themselves seeking an alternative approach to therapy that goes beyond the surface.
And in this case, somatic therapy could be the answer.
What Is Somatic Therapy?
Somatic therapy recognizes the intricate connection between the mind and body, offering a holistic approach to healing that distinguishes it from traditional talk therapy. “It taps into the different sensations and physiological signs that your body sends you in order to determine whether it's processed your emotions, tough feelings, and reprocessed memories,” Simone Saunders, Managing Director, MSW, RSW, at The Cognitive Corner, tells xoNecole.
How Somatic Therapy Differs From Traditional Talk Therapy
@thecognitivecorner Replying to @Michelle #somatictherapy #nervoussystemregulation #therapytok
Although there are different forms of talk therapy, somatic therapy differs from traditional talk therapy because it is often centered around the narratives that we have inherited and taken on. On the other hand, somatic therapy is primarily focused on the subtle things that go unsaid. “Whether that's body language, your posture, the way that you're moving, the way that you're breathing, or the different sensations that come up,” Saunders explains, based on the experiences you share, your body is essentially doing the talking for you.
Rooted in the idea that the body and mind are interconnected, somatic therapy aims to address and release stored trauma and stress, promoting overall healing.
The thought of having your every move analyzed could make you uneasy, but as a therapist, Saunders ensures that her job is to notice and bring awareness to these sensations, as opposed to critique.
“If someone's talking about their experience and maybe they're holding their chest or I can see them ball up their fists, or tighten their shoulders, I'll call attention to that,” she explains. “We'll just notice what that feels like and sort of name if that's something that's positive, negative, neutral, and sort of play around with the idea of: what would it be like if we relax a little bit more? What does your body feel like it needs in this moment?”
Diving Deeper in Somatic Healing
@thecognitivecorner #somatichealing #somatiktok #traumarecovery
Understanding how your body is responding to a memory or sensitive topic is just as important as understanding why it’s responding that way. Somatic therapy places a strong emphasis on cultivating awareness of bodily sensations by focusing on the present moment, which allows individuals to gain insight into the connection between their emotions and bodily responses.
If you’re familiar with the term, “the body keeps the score,” it relates to how traumatic events can leave a lasting impact on the body, manifesting as both physical symptoms and emotional distress. Saunder says that somatic therapy is particularly effective in addressing trauma.
“Often when you've experienced trauma, you are used to being disconnected to your body because you've had to be for the purpose of survival,” she says. “Somatic therapy can be really helpful to get you connected again and understand what your body is saying to you, whether or not your body feels safe in different moments, and how you can cultivate a sense of safety.”
Our body is our home — and the need to feel and be safe in our bodies is tantamount to our ability to heal. Having tools outside of therapy to practice self-safety can help us restore a feeling of secureness and wholeness within oneself.
“If you're looking to feel more connected with yourself, a good place to start is with your daily bodily function,” Saunders suggests. “You can check in: Am I thirsty? How do I know when I'm thirsty? How do I know when I'm hungry? How do I know when I need to use the bathroom? Because for a lot of us, it's just automatic. We just do it when we do it, or we ignore those sensations. Starting from there is often a safer place to start — and from there, we can start to understand what it feels like to feel sensations.”
“As far as at-home somatic practices, simply doing things like rocking or cold or hot stimulation can help,” she continues. “There are a lot of things that we do on a day-to-day basis that would be considered somatic practices that we don't necessarily realize — it's just about getting in touch with yourself.”
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Nothing beats the “Sunday Scaries” quite like a Sunday reset tailored to your needs. While the weekend never quite feels long enough to recoup from all of life's demands and responsibilities, making the most of the 48 hours we have to gear up for the week ahead is a self-care practice that every woman can benefit from.
How To Do a Sunday Reset Routine
The beauty of a Sunday reset is that it’s something you can define for yourself. On a personal level, only we know the tasks, projects, workload, and duties that demanded our attention during the week prior, so how we choose to recharge may look different for everyone. Some may feel the need to tackle weekend chores or run a few errands, while others could find that an hours-long binging spree of their favorite TV show or simply doing nothing, can do the heart some good.
Resetting your time, space, and mind over the weekend is all about listening to your body and honoring your needs. When you pause and reflect on what will make you feel the most productive, you gradually discover what a successful Sunday reset looks and feels like for you. By taking some time to plan and reflect, you allow yourself to approach the new week from a place of ease.
How To Build the Best Sunday Reset Routine
But what kind of reset could be right for you? Let’s consider the following: are there things you could scratch off your to-do list to put your mind at ease? Did this week drain you and now you need to catch up on rest? Are you looking to get ahead of a demanding week? If you’ve found yourself agreeing with at least one of these scenarios, we’ve put together a couple of tips to inspire your next Sunday reset routine needs.
The Sunday reset routine for the woman who thrives on productivity:
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Hey goal-getter! For you, a typical Sunday reset looks like planning and execution. The weekend is a chance for you to catch up on all the chores and tasks that your hectic weekday schedule didn’t allow for. When planning your Sunday reset, to-do lists are your best friend. Lean on your list to stay organized and keep track of the stores you need to visit, meals to prep, and house chores to tidy up in order for you to feel like your most accomplished and productive self.
Be sure to give yourself some grace if you don’t hit everything on your list, and be sure to reward yourself for what you were able to carry out — because either way, you deserve it.
The Sunday reset routine for the woman who needs some TLC:
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Self-care queens, we see you. And we know that your Sundays are sacred. You are intentional about your Sunday resets because you know that you can’t pour from an empty cup. In your case, resets are all about taking time to reflect and set your intentions for the week ahead — which can show up in many forms. From journaling and reading a new book to taking a long walk and ordering in your favorite meal, you don’t play when it comes to the power of self-nourishment.
Take a few minutes to look back on the previous week and reflect on what went well and what didn't. Think about what you accomplished, what you could have done better, and what you learned so you can approach the week with a clear mind and heart.
The Sunday reset routine for the woman who desires to do absolutely nothing:
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I know you’re used to high-achieving and tackling your goals, but let me tell you something: rest is productive. You’ve spent the last five days hustling, killing your projects, and showing up for the people in your life, but now it’s time to take a moment to simply be. No to-do lists, no errands to run, no socializing — you deserve time to zone out and reconnect with yourself in solitude.
Sleep in. Watch scandalous reality TV. Get lost in your thoughts. You’re not lazy for spending time alone and letting the laundry pile up; we know you’ll get to that later. This Sunday reset is about taking time to center yourself in the present moment, you’ll be back on the grind on Monday, but Sunday is all about you.
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Originally published on March 4, 2023
2024 Dating Landscape: How Black Singles Are Redefining Dating Norms & Preferences
In 2024, there’s tons of thought and strategy that can go into dating online. While dating apps offer a convenient space to find potential partners, it’s become more complicated by the day to know just how to land a worthwhile match at all. With paywalls, roses, and Super Likes to push past while using dating apps, a common sentiment among singles is: do these apps really want us to find love at all?
Dating hopefuls are taking time to reevaluate their approach to dating as many discussions surrounding online dating are significantly influencing user behavior, particularly among Black singles. According to Jonathan Kirkland, Head of Brand and Marketing for BLK, these conversations shape the thoughts, expectations, and actions of singles and how they engage with dating platforms.
“The Black conversation shapes up the online dating world big time. We’ve seen how discussions around inclusivity, authenticity, and cultural relevance have driven more users to [dating] platforms, where they feel represented and understood,” Kirkland tells xoNecole. “But hey, it's all about personal vibes. Instead of buying into the hype, we're all about our community creating their own stories and shifting the narrative.”
How Online Dating Discourse Shapes Gen Z and Millennial Dating Preferences and Behaviors
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Across different age groups, distinct shifts in dating preferences and behaviors have been observed. Kirkland tells us that Gen Z prioritizes authenticity, social awareness, and online connectivity, while Millennials are focused on sharing values, pursuing their aspirations, and authentically representing their cultural identity.
These changes are not only shifting how singles are approaching the app, they’re influencing the flexibility in what was once seen as “non-negotiables" in long-term desires that are now becoming plausible considerations.
In a recent survey conducted by BLK, 100% of Gen Z and Millennials who participated in the study said they'd be open to starting a family with a friend. “It’s like, life's throwing them curveballs, and they're flipping the script on what family means,” Kirkland explains.
“Gen Z sees this whole platonic co-parenting thing as a game-changer for how we do families, making things more flexible and diverse. Millennials say it's all about building up your chosen family and locking down those intentional connections. Times are definitely changing.”
As culture evolves and social norms shift, these findings show that daters across generations are embodying a sense of adaptability in order to create the life they desire and love they deserve. That’s why we’ve tapped BLK’s Johnathan Kirkland to put us onto the 2024 dating trends that will help you win at love.
On the top trends singles can look forward to in the 2024 online dating space:
“One trend is ‘dawn dating,’ where you squeeze in dates before your workday kicks off. This offers a new level of convenience and efficiency,” he explains.
“And since it's an election year, get ready for 'partisan dating.' That's where singles prefer connecting with someone who's vibing on the same political wavelength. And with so many young voters more into the issues rather than the candidates, expect some real deep convos over policy matters.”
“Plus, we’re going to see more of a focus on looking after your mental health while you're dating. Platforms are rolling out initiatives to help you build solid relationships, while also prioritizing your own wellbeing,” he adds.
On the best icebreakers to hit a conversational flow with new matches:
Kirkland says that while breaking the ice can be difficult, one way to break the ice is to throw out questions that show your genuine interest. “Ask about their passions, where they love to travel, or maybe something cool they've experienced culturally lately.”
“It’s also nice to toss in a fun pop culture question, like, ‘So, are you #TeamMegan or #TeamNicki?’ It's all about getting that convo flowing.” he suggests. "BLK recently rolled out new profile prompts in our app last year to help spark these conversations. They're little conversation starters you can display on your profile, written or even voiced, so people can slide into your DMs without any awkwardness.”
On the best practices for users looking to connect with men who have aligned dating goals and avoid hookup culture:
“If you're on the lookout for that long-term love, you know it must be with someone who’s on the same page as you. That's where setting intentions in your profile comes in,” Kirkland shares.
“Be crystal clear about what you're after. And when you're scoping out potential matches, keep an eye out for those little signs that they're ready for something serious, too. Look for hints in their profiles, like if they're talking about their future goals or if your interests and values seem to click. But it's not all about what's written down. When you start chatting, keep it real and open. Lay it all out on the table early on—no beating around the bush.”
"Be crystal clear about what you're after. And when you're scoping out potential matches, keep an eye out for those little signs that they're ready for something serious too."
He continues, “Whether it's long-term love, a casual vibe, or just making new pals. No more wasting time on matches that aren't on the same page as you.”
On the advice he’d give to users who want to give dating apps another try, but are discouraged to do so:
“Let’s be honest. Dating apps are like any other technology —they're constantly evolving. So that app you checked out last year may have added new features, cool filters, and better ways to connect,” Kirkland says.
“If you're feeling a bit anxious about diving back into the dating app world, remember this: every swipe, chat, and date is a chance to learn something new about yourself. It's all about growth and discovery. Keep an open mind, but don't forget to set some boundaries and stay true to yourself. And if it all gets a bit overwhelming, take a breather.”
He adds, “Focus on some self-care, hit up your friends for a pep talk, or even chat with a pro if you need to. Because hey, who knows? The perfect match might just be a swipe away — so keep swiping.”
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