Something that I used to be in the habit of doing, that I actually need to get back into, is ending the week with a bouquet of fresh flowers. There’s something about having the presence of fresh blooms around that feels uber feminine — plus, the scent is pretty divine. And, as a bonus, when the petals begin to wilt, I’m able to repurpose my bouquets and turn them into all-natural beauty treatments.
Hey, I’m not kidding. If you’ve neversteeped flower petals before, you should definitely give it a shot. Although many of them have medicinal properties that you may find to be beneficial, today I’m coming from the angle of what 12 different kinds of flowers can do for your hair and skin — whether you use them as a hair rinse, skin toner or you purchase an extract or oil version of them. Whatever you decide, I can almost guarantee you that with consistent use, you will see a real difference; the best part is, it’ll be all natural.
So, let’s get into some flowers that are beautiful to look at and are wonderful when it comes to bringing out the best in your appearance, shall we?
1. Rose
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I doubt there’s a flower that’s more popular than a rose, perhaps because it’s the classic “I love you” bloom.When it comes to your hair, the properties of a rose are pretty impressive because it contains an astringent that can remove excess build-up (if you’re looking for a natural way to clarify your locks), it has anti-inflammatory elements that can soothe an irritated scalp and it can even help to reduce frizzing.Your skin will like roses because they are loaded with antioxidants, they help to fight off free radicals, they’re a great skin moisturizer and, in rose water form, roses are a gentle and soothing make-up remover.
You can learn how to make your own rose waterhere.
2. Hibiscus
A flower that is known for being a “feminine one” is the hibiscus. It’s popular in Asia and represents things like femininity, beauty, and love.
If you’re currently on a mission to get your hair as healthy as possible, this flower not only helps to keep your tresses hydrated, it can help to give them thickness and more volume too. As if that’s not impressive enough, hibiscus can reduce dandruff, decrease hair shedding, and even help to prevent split ends. If slowing down the signs of aging is what you’re after, the hibiscus flower has you covered in that department as well, mostly because it helps to prevent collagen from breaking down in your skin, which ends up bringing more elasticity to it.
In fact, hibiscus is so effective in that department that it’s earned the nickname “natural Botox.” Some other things worth noting about this flower are it’s a gentle exfoliant, it helps to reduce skin inflammation and it can aid in preventing oxidative stress from wreaking havoc on your skin.
A recipe to make a face and neck cream with hibiscus in it is locatedhere.
3. Sunflower
Sunflowers are full of vitamin E, oleic acid, and antioxidants. In oil form,they can help to reduce hair breakage, condition your hair, and soothe your scalp.Something else that sunflower oil can do is reduce some of the irritation that is associated with eczema, as well as treat acne since it can help to remove bacteria from your skin without clogging up your pores in the process.
4. Chrysanthemum
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Some of my favorite flowers to see during the fall (even though many bloom as soon aslate July or early August) are chrysanthemums. Your hair likes them because they have properties thatreduce hair loss and also encourage hair growth.As a tea, the antioxidants andanti-inflammatories in chrysanthemums can decrease stress levels, which can ultimately help to prevent breakouts and slow down the signs of aging skin.
5. Arnica
If you’re not familiar with what an arnica bloom is, it looks a lot like a daisy — only it’s completely yellow. Although it’s probablybest known as a pain reliever, it doescontain properties that help to reduce dandruff, reduce puffiness (especially underneath your eyes), and smooth out the appearance of wrinkles so thatyour skin is able to have a youthful and naturally radiant glow.
6. Moringa
In oil form, I’ve shouted out the moringa flower before (check out “Uncommon (But Totally Natural) Things That Are Great For Hair Growth”). Since it’s a great source of vitamins A and E as well as zinc, if you want to strengthen your strands so that you can retain more length, it’s a good idea to apply moringa oil at least a couple of times a week (especially to your ends).
Speaking of your ends, although there really is nothing that can “repair split ends” (it really is best to just cut them and then really nurture your remaining ends moving forward), moringa oil does have a way ofhydrating your hair and smoothing your cuticles, so that split ends are less of an issue. If you have dry skin, moringa oil can help toseal in moisture for longer periods of time. It also has a reputation forsoftening the appearance of fine lines and wrinkles as well.
7. Passion Flower
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Honestly, since one of the best things that you could ever do for your hair and skin is consistently get a good night’s rest, if you like to soak in the tub before bedtime,add some passion flower petals to the water; they will help to decrease anxiety and ultimately improve your quality of sleep (just for the record, if you’re perimenopausal, they can help with hot flashes too). Beauty-wise, passion flowers can help to restore damaged hair and hydrate and soothe your skin.
Some recipes for how to make an all-natural body wash and hair serum are locatedhere.
8. Jasmine
Just as a random FYI, one of the sexiest scents that you can ever wear is jasmine. It’s sweet, it’s fruity, and it’s…decadently sensual; that’s why it’s known as an aphrodisiac. Yourhair will adore jasmine because it has antimicrobial and antiseptic properties that help tobring relief to dandruff as well as being able to strengthen your hair over time.Your skin will enjoy it, too, because it both tones and softens it (yep, you can definitely use jasmine as an all-natural skin toner).
9. Calendula
Last fall, a tea that I shouted out that’s great for your hair is calendula tea (check out “10 Teas That Are Great For The Fall Season — As Far As Hair Growth Is Concerned”). Yeah, if you’re looking for something that will give your curls more definition (because it reduces frizz), calendula is a sweet go-to. Your skin will also like this particular flower thanks to its antifungal, anti-inflammatory, and antibacterial properties thatall work together to treat acne, protect your skin from damaging UV rays, and reduce the symptoms that are associated with eczema.
10. Tulip
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My all-time favorite flower is the tulip. I’m not 100 percent sure why, although I once read that it represents a “perfect deep love,” which is pretty cool. Anyway, because I enjoy them so much, I have done some research on them, and yep — they come withsome hair and skin benefits , too. Since tulips are considered to be a humectant and humectants pull water from the air into your hair and skin, if you’re looking for a natural way to remain moisturized, that’s one reason to try them out. Also, tulips contain the type of amino acids that help to build collagen in your skin; this means they are a bloom that can help to fight the skin's aging. Dope.
11. Lotus
Lotus flowers represent things like rebirth, strength, and grace — all are the kinds of words that seem very fitting when you’re trying to maintain natural beauty. That said, because lotus flowers are full of antioxidants that help to decrease oxidative stress, that’s good to know because that’s the type of stress that accelerates the graying process of your hair and is tied to certain forms of alopecia. Since lotus flowers contain anti-inflammatory properties, too, this is another bloom that’s effective at naturally treating breakouts.
12. Honeysuckle
When I was a little girl, something that I liked to do was find honeysuckles and literally suck on them. Although, in hindsight, I definitely should’ve washed those suckers off (chile), I do recall that they did have a subtle sweetness to them. If you have similar memories, did you know that honeysuckle containsboth health and beauty benefits? When it comes to your hair specifically, the properties in this flower can help to add moisture to your hair and prevent your locks from becoming brittle or developing split ends. Skin-wise, the antioxidants and anti-inflammatory properties in them can bring relief if you’ve got eczema or psoriasis.
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A study once revealed that people who keep fresh flowers in their homes are not only more compassionate, they are less anxious and are happier, too. So, at some point this week (if you haven’t already), treat yourself by stopping by, shoot somewhere, and copping yourself a bouquet. Use the blooms for your mental health first — then upcycle them for beauty reasons. True perfection and the ultimate investment, if you ask me.
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Well, another way of saying “everywhere you go, there you are” is using the math term “common denominator” — and today, what we’re going to attempt to tackle is, why is it that some of us, if we stepped back a moment to take a very real and honest assessment of our dating life, do we always end up with the same kind of guy? One who really isn’t the best for us; sometimes, not even close.
Before getting into some questions that I think can help you get to the answer, let me just say that this is definitely one of the kinds of pieces that may step on at least your pinky toe before it’s all said and done. At the same time, although this might not be the most comfortable of reads, keep in mind what the late poet, singer, and publisher Tuli Kupferberg once said, “When patterns are broken, new worlds emerge.”
And so, if when it comes to the caliber of men you’ve dated, what you’ve been doing is revealing that your pattern is not really working for your ultimate good, spend a bit of time trying to unpack just why that could be the case — why, at the end of the day, you truly are the common denominator in it all.
How Self-Aware Are You?
GiphyAbout five years ago, I penned an article for the site entitled “These Are The Things Self-Aware People Do Daily.” You know, of all of the things to be in this life, prioritizing self-awareness is king because self-aware people do things like hold themselves accountable, know their strengths and weaknesses, identify their triggers, have good boundaries, self-reflect, pay attention to their own “blind spots” — and they can — eh hem — take feedback and constructive criticism pretty well.
That last one? If you’re constantly in a hamster wheel or even a cul-de-sac when it comes to men, be honest with yourself: did your family, friends, hell, even your co-workers warn you about some of the guys you dated, and you found yourself either defending, deflecting or getting offended? Yeah, self-aware people don’t get down like that because they would rather have peace and be wrong than act like they are always right and remain in chaos.
So yeah, if you’re always in some foolishness or even in relationships that are simply a counterproductive waste of time, pondering how self-aware you actually are is a really good place to start. Self-reflect. Know your weaknesses. Listen to what others have to say about your tendencies. All of this can do you a whole lot of good.
How Humble Are You?
GiphySociety is a wild place, boy. The reason why I say that is because, while it’s out here acting like humility is a bad thing, Scripture says, “By humility and the fear of the Lord are riches and honor and life.” (Proverbs 22:4) And why is humility such a vital spiritual attribute? Because, when you’re humble — you’re grateful; you’re teachable; you’re open to seeing things outside of your own perspective; you’re compassionate and empathetic; you’re flexible; you’re forgiving, and you’re able to release your ego so that you can accept what you need over what you want.
What you need over what you want. Chile, if that doesn’t keep some people in cyclic stuff, I honestly don’t know what does. There’s a client that I have right now who only contacts me when she’s basically blown up her life because she constantly gets caught up in a man’s looks and bedroom performance. When I tell her that she needs to stop making that #1 and #2 of things to look for in a relationship, she “uh-huh's” me and then does what she wants to do anyway — only for it to end up wreaking all sorts of havoc…again.
It’s another message for another time about how some of us could stand to look within to see if wanting a fine man above all else is more about validating some deep-rooted insecurities that we have about our own looks (ouch). For now, I’ll just say that if your ego is out here telling you that looks and sexual performance should trump things like character and consistency, it is LYING to you. If you chose to heed the humble side of yourself, you would know that.
And this actually brings me to my next question.
How Stuck Are You in Your “Type”?
GiphyThe reason why I wrote “According To Experts, We All Have A ‘Type’” back in the day is because it’s true — pretty much all of us have a type which is pretty much a preference; there’s absolutely nothing wrong with that either. At the same time, I’m advising, from very up close and personal experience, that it’s a good idea to spend some time pondering “the origin story” of where your type came from.
Me? I’m always gonna be down for a very tall, hella chocolate, basketball (or soccer) build Black man. However, I’m a sexual abuse survivor and my molester looked a lot like that, so during the healing process of what he did to me, I had to factor in his influence. Plus, my first love also fits the physical mold and he definitely had quite an impact on my life. So…see what I mean? My type didn’t just come out of nowhere. Yes, sometimes your type may have some trauma or drama attached to it. And yes, that might be really uncomfortable to think about; still, that doesn’t mean it’s not true.
Now my late fiancé? He was right at about 6’ and, complexion-wise, he was lighter than I am. He treated me better than most of the men of my past, though — and even though he definitely pursued me for a while to get me to consider us beyond being friends, because I took a risk outside of my type, I learned what it was like to be loved in a healthy way. And what that did for me was it taught me to remain open outside of my standard type. I still like a tall-ass Godiva man, chile (and don’t let him have a beard and be in a tailored suit!). I don’t limit myself to that package, though. To do so would be severely limiting — potentially tragic even.
How Healed Are You?
Giphy“Healed” is a word that comes up A LOT in the social media space. When it comes to relationships, specifically, it’s important to ask yourself if you are healed from your past because, if you aren’t, you very well could be reliving it over and over…and over again, whether you realize it (or choose to accept it) or not.
Just so that we’re all on the same page, the word “heal” means things like healthy, sound, and whole. Synonyms for the word include improve, restore, mend, soothe, and rehabilitate. Signs that you have healed from past hurts of a relationship (or a series of relationships) include you don’t think of them with anger or bitterness; you can see the silver linings from the experience; you’ve forgiven them for things that they did wrong (or that simply hurt you — and no, that’s not always one and the same), and you don’t pick (or avoid) other people to be in your life solely based on what someone else did to you.
What I mean by that last one is an unhealed woman may say something like, “I don’t want to do [such and such] for a first date. That’s what my ex liked to do.” The new guy isn’t him, so why does he have to be beholden to your past? Or, “I don’t trust men who won’t let me go through their phone. That’s how I found out my ex was cheating.” You know, for all of the women who like to play a non-animated form ofInspector Gadget (the real ones know), they sure don’t want their phones inspected as much as they like to do all of the inspecting. SMDH. Anyway, I don’t go through phones. For what? I don’t pay the bill and I’m not anyone’s parent. And so, your next guy not preferring it either? That doesn’t automatically mean that he’s up to no good — he may just want his boundaries respected. An unhealed person may not accept that. A healed one tends to, though.
And how can being unhealed play a direct role in you choosing the same guys over and over again? It’s weird because, sometimes you will go back to what’s familiar to you — because the new guy is such a risk, you’d prefer to “stick to the devil you know” than take a chance on someone who rolls very differently. It’s a cryptic way of remaining the common denominator in your dating dynamics. Oh, but it happens all of the time, chile.
What Makes a Man WRONG for You? Specifically?
GiphyOkay, with a lot of the inner work out of the way, how do you even come to the conclusion that someone (or several people) is wrong for you? Because you know what? Once you’ve done some real healing (and serious maturing), you can oftentimes find yourself accepting the fact that just because someone may not be right for you, that doesn’t automatically or necessarily make them a bad person. No, not at all.
Although the word “wrong” can mean that something or someone isn’t morally right, wrong also means things like erroneous, not suitable or appropriate, not in accordance with certain requirements, or — and please catch it — out of order (which sometimes consists of the right thing happening at the wrong time). So, if it does seem like you keep choosing (because it is always a choice; that is also where accountability comes in) men who aren’t appropriate, aren’t in accordance with your needs or standards, or who aren’t what you need at the time — why is that? Is it rooted in fear? Impatience? Settling? What?
I have had enough clients go through this to know that it’s not good enough to be abstract about someone being “wrong” for you. You need to set aside one weekend, get some wine and a fresh journal, and really get into what wrong looks like. For instance, if you keep lowering your standards (which is the wrong thing to do, by definition), why is that? Because no matter how wrong the guy may ultimately turn out to be, what you have to be willing to accept is — again — you chose him. Why do you choose what’s wrong? Because, more times than not, some red (or at least orange) flags were waving long before the relationship came crashing down; oftentimes, they reveal themselves within the first couple of dates. You just chose to ignore them.
One more.
Do You Know a Good Man When You See One? You Sure?
GiphyAs we close all of this out, when you get a chance, please check out “Question: Is The Man In Your Life Good 'TO' You? Good 'FOR' You? Or...Both?” Learning the difference between “to” and “for” took my own relational processing to an entirely new and freeing level. And you know what? Back to the healing point, another way to know that you’ve healed is you don’t generalize men. Meaning, that if you’re out here declaring that there aren’t any good ones, that’s not true; you’re just jaded (I mean, it’s the truth), and that head and energy space is affecting your judgment and perspective.
That said, if you’re constantly selecting the wrong men, ask yourself if you even know what a good man looks like (cue India.Arie’s “Good Man”). Again, by definition, good means things like morally excellent, right, kind, friendly, benevolent, educated, financially sound (not rich, stable and responsible…goodness), genuine, reliable, dependable, responsible, attractive, warm, intimate — satisfactory to the purpose (yes, that’s a literal definition).
For a man to be good for you, you need to know what purpose he is to serve at this particular point in your life because if, for example, all men seem to do, in your eyes, is use you for sex, why are you prioritizing sex over an emotional connection if the latter is the purpose that you seek right now? A lot of women can stop being the common denominator when it comes to choosing the wrong man if they 1) become the good that they seek and 2) do not betray the purpose behind why they even desire a relationship in the first place.
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I know. When things aren’t going your way when it comes to matters of the heart, it can be easy to always say it’s the man’s fault. If there’s a pattern, though, please be a bit more self-reflective than that.
Once you do, you’d be amazed by how much about you shifts — to where the wrong guys can’t even get close to you, in the way that they used to, anymore.
Because you cease to be the “common denominator” you once were.
And how wonderful is that?
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