Time won't give me time
And time makes lovers feel like they've got something real
But you and me we know we've got nothin' but time
And time won't give me time
C'mon on self-professed music experts. What y'all know about that Culture Club, tho? As I sat down to pen this piece, their song "Time (Clock of the Heart)" automatically popped up in my head and kept playing, on repeat. I get why too. I mean, just re-read the hook. Virtually all of us have been in a relationship where, at the end of the day, the only thing we knew for sure about the situation is that we were spending valuable and precious time. Lots and lots of time. So much time, in fact, that it caused us to wonder if we were investing time or wasting it.
If there's one thing that none of us can ever (ever, ever, ever) get back, it's time. And so, as someone who honestly spent more years of my life wasting time in basically fruitless relationships than I've got the time to write on and you've got the time to read about, I want to do all that I can to make sure that you don't make the same mistakes I did.
If you're currently in a relationship with someone and something is tugging at your heart (or brain) to inquire about whether or not you're wasting your time, check out the following five points and then decide (and by "decide," I mean determine if you are and then prepare to make some major adjustments ASAP, OK?).
Compare Where Your Relationship Is Now with Where It Was a Year Ago
Getty Images
I've got a lil' love sister (you know, a sis that's connected by love, not blood) who's been with her boyfriend for like 7-8 years now. When things started off, he was courting her pretty strong—taking her out, coming by her grandma's to do things around the house (I even remember him cutting down a Christmas tree for them a couple of times), and being intentional about getting to know her family members and close friends. When I met him, I flat-out asked what his intentions were and he said "marriage."
Now? She's the one always going over to his place, he barely speaks to her family, and a few of her friends have met someone and gotten married in the amount of time she's been dating ole' boy. Hmph. 22 (the age she was when they started) and 29 (the age she is now) are very different, time-wise. Plus, when I ask her if she still wants to get married, these days, it's less of a priority. What all of this boils down to is their relationship isn't making progress. It's doing the very opposite of that.
There are 365 days in a year and 24 hours in each day. That is a lot of time for two people to get to the next level in their relationship…if they really want to. If you've been with your man for a year or more, you look back and you honestly don't see much of a difference between this time last year and this very moment, how do you feel about that? Just sayin'.
Forget What He's Saying. What Is He DOING?
If you are a Words of Affirmation person like I am, please—for the sake of all that's beautiful and sacred about you—take heed to what I'm about to say. When you're someone who is moved by words, sometimes you forget to require action to follow what is being said. So long as someone tells you how they feel about you, you're not always or necessarily looking for them to execute their sentiments.
When that's the case, it doesn't take long for certain types of guys (charmers, commitment-phobes, etc.) to catch on to the fact that so long as they are verbally-engaging, they don't have to actually do much. Meanwhile, a man who's "bout it bout it" is gonna say what he means and mean what he says. Even better, he's gonna say less and do more.
An immediate example that comes to mind is a male friend of mine who just told me over the holidays that, after dating his girl for a few years, it's past time to propose to her. When I asked him when he planned on doing it, he said, "Oh, I'm taking her overseas this year. I'm gonna do it then." I just found out he booked their flights last week.
Words. Then action. Back to back. As it should be.
What Are You Doing More of—Bragging About or Defending Your Relationship?
Another thing that can keep you from totally wasting your time in a relationship is having your male friends offer up their insight on what they see in your situation. I say that because sometimes, we as women view things as we want them to be rather than as they actually are. Guys? If they see a red flag, they're not gonna call it pink. They're gonna say it's bright, blood red.
Here's a personal experience example. There's a guy I was once seeing and about 75 percent of my male friends were basically like, "I mean, he's cool but you're a good woman. What is that dude doin'?" As I was trying to come up with every excuse (that I thought was a reason at the time) in the book—he's had a hard childhood, his first love devastated him, he's always on the road, he needs a little more time—my male friends were looking at me like, "Girl, if you don't move on somewhere." Literally.
Who ever finds stagnation to be something to brag about? If your relationship is moving forward, if your man is doing things to show you that he wants you in his future in a very significant way, you'll probably find yourself bragging about him (and your relationship) quite a bit. If he's doing the complete opposite, you'll probably end up like I was—defending him and your situation more than anything. Yeah, that's not good.
Is Your Relationship in a "Line" or a "Web"?
Getty Images
A few days ago, I read a quote about the internet. A man by the name of David Foster Wallace simply said, "It is named the 'Web' for good reason." Hmph again. Have you ever watched how an insect acts when they first get caught into a web? They are moving around…A LOT. But 1) they aren't getting anywhere and 2) it's only entangling them more into the web.
I once told a guy years ago that if he didn't leave the crazy chick he was seeing alone, he was gonna find himself caught up in a web that he wouldn't be able to get out of. She's so off the chain that I'm gonna leave the details out, but let's just say that, since then, they've created at least four Lifetime movie scripts together. SMDH.
Even if you and your man aren't on any crazy train, a sign of a truly healthy and productive relationship is the fact that you both will be moving in a line, a line that points forward. There won't be a ton of crooked straights or even cul-de-sacs. You both will be in agreement about where you want your relationship to go and you'll be both taking steps to get there—together.
No ultimatums, nagging, or manipulation from you needed.
Remember, True Love Is ALWAYS About Making Progress
I dig word definitions and quotes. They both help me to keep things in their proper perspective. As far as the definition of progress, what I like so much about it is there is no grey area—either you're making progress or you ain't.
Progress: a movement toward a goal or to a further or higher stage; advancement in general; growth or development; continuous improvement
Take a moment and assess your relationship.
What goals have the two of you made—and reached?
What are some examples of how you're moving up, together and as individuals, as a result of your relationship?
How are you advancing—mentally, emotionally, and spiritually—in part, by being involved with this brotha?
How has the relationship grown and developed over the past six months or so?
How have things improved?
Someone who truly loves you will show it by valuing and honoring your time as well as their own. If you can't honestly say that progress is continually being made, mutually so, it's time to confront the situation head-on. Ask him the questions I just asked you and accept the reality of the answers.
You know the old proverb—it's later than you think. It really is.
Love yourself enough to not allow a man to waste any of your precious time. Amen? Bet.
Featured image by Getty Images.
Related Articles:
Is the Man in Your Life Pursuing You Or Playing You? - Read More
3 Keys To Detect A Fake Purpose-Mate - Read More
Your Soulmate Might Be The One Who Broke You - Read More
- Seal the Deal and Make Him Commit ›
- Why You're Better Than Waiting Around For Someone To Make Up ... ›
- Why Won't He Commit? 7 Things You Can Do to Move Things Along ... ›
- 8 Signs Someone You're Dating Is A Complete Waste Of Time ... ›
- You Can't Make Someone Love or Commit to You ›
- 3 Signs That You're Wasting Time With A Guy Who Won't Commit ›
- Quiz: Is he Going to Commit Or Are You Wasting Your Time? ›
- 15 Experts Share How Long You Should Wait For a Man To Commit ... ›
- How Long Is Too Long to Wait to Get Engaged? | Martha Stewart ... ›
- How Long Should You Wait for Someone to Commit? | Psychology ... ›
- The Waiting Game: How Long Is Too Long for Marriage ›
RELATED
A Goddard College graduate, who earned an MFA from Pratt Institute and was awarded an honorary doctorate from Marymount Manhattan College, Mahogany offers unapologetic realness with a side of grace and empowerment. "I started touring locally. I started creating chat books so that those poems will go in the hands of the people who were sitting in the rooms," she shared.
"And then I started facilitating poetry workshops, so I used my chat books as curriculum. And that, in turn, allowed me to further invest in my art and show the community and people who were hiring me that it wasn't just a one-off, that it's not just, you know, a fly by night—that I am invested in this art as much as I am invested in your community, in your children's learning, in our growth."
Mahogany has a special way of moving audiences, and her superpower sparks shifts in perspective, post-performance introspection, and strengthening of community bonds, especially among Black women. (One can undeniably recognize her gift for arousal of the spirit and mind merely from her listening to her insights from the other side of a Google Hangout call. I can only imagine the soul-stirring, top-tier sensory encounter when watching her perform in person.)
In this chat with xoNecole, Mahogany reflects on sustaining a creative career, the aftermath of writing a banned book, and using poetry for both healing, community-building, and activism.
Anthony Artis
xoNecole: What are three key things that have laid the foundation for a sustainable creative career for you?
Mahogany L Browne: What has helped me is that I'm willing to go in being an expert at knowing poetry and knowing the way in which art can change the landscape of our lives, not just as a poet, but also as a poetry facilitator. How you move through classes, those things are mastered, right? So when I go into another space that's maybe tech-heavy, I don't mind learning and being, you know, a student of the wonder of how we can make this magic, work together.
Two, you’ve got to know how to pivot. Sometimes we say, ‘Alright, this is what my life is going to be. I'm going to be a New York Times best-selling author. I'm going to, you know, have an album that's Grammy-nominated. And then, say you get dropped from your record label. That doesn't mean you can't make an album anymore. You can also still create an album that can be submitted to the Grammys. So, what does a pivot look like as an artist who doesn't have an institution behind them? Pivot being a student of the wonder.
Relationships also really help. How do I serve the community? And in turn, that tells me how the community can show up. For me, I have long-standing ties with a community that will outlast my one life. So, what does it mean to create space where these relationships can develop, can be nurtured, can be rooted, can be cultivated? Creating space—it happens through relationships.
xoN: With today’s economic challenges, what does your current creative process look like, and what are you working on?
MB: I’m always thinking five years ahead. I just reviewed the pages for two children’s books and recently released a YA novel. I’m drafting an adult fiction manuscript now.
Anything I create is founded with the root of poetry, but it can exist in captions. It can exist in commercials. It can exist as a musical. So that's where I’m at now.
xoN: You started performing "Black Girl Magic" in 2013, had an acclaimed performance of it via PBS and the work went on to viral success shortly after. Talk more about the inspiration. And what do you think about the continued relevance more than a decade later?
MB: I wrote it as a rally cry for the mothers who had been keeping themselves truly in harm's way by, you know, being a part of the community right after the death of their child or their loved one. They are usually mothers of victims of police brutality—and just seeing how they showed up in these community spaces, they are devout to the cause but obviously still grieving.
"I wanted this poem to be just a space of reclamation, of joy and of you, of your light, of your shine, of your brilliance, in any which way in which you fashion. Every room you enter is the room you deserve to be in. What does it mean to have a poem like that that exists?"
And the first time I did the poem, the Weeping that occurred, right? It was like this blood-letting of sorts. The next time I performed it, I'm moved to tears because I'm seeing how it's affecting other women who have just been waiting to hear, ‘You belong. You deserve. You are good. We see you. Thank you, despite everything that they said to make you regret being born in this beautiful brown, dark-skinned, light-skinned, but Black body.’
Black women are the backbone—period. Point blank. And so, that that poem became a necessity, not just to the fortitude of Black women in the community, but like you know, in service of healing the Black women.
xoN: One of your books was banned at a school in Boston, and it was later reinstated due to parental and activist support. What was that experience like?
MB: Well, I think it happened because they were racist. That's it. Point blank. The reversal of it was empowering, right? I realized, oh, I thought we just had to sit here and be on a banned book list. But no, parents are actually the leaders of this charge.
So to see that, the parents said, ‘Nah, we're not gonna let you take this book out of my baby’s school just because it's a Black kid on the front saying, ‘Woke’ and they're talking about being a global citizen. They're talking about accountability. They're talking about accessibility. They're talking about allyship, and you don't want them to have compassion or empathy or have even an understanding, right? So no, we rebuke that, and we want this book here anyway.’ To see that happen in that way. I was, like, reaffirmed. Absolutely.
xoN: You recently organized the Black Girl Magic Ball at the Lincoln Center in New York. Honorees included author and entrepreneur Rachel Cargle and National Black Theater CEO Sade Lythcott. What impact did it have and what expanded legacy do you hope to leave with your creative works?
MB: I was really interested in not celebrating just the book, but celebrating the community that made the book possible. And so I gave out five awards to women doing that thing, like, what does it mean to be a Black girl in this world?
I just thought it was gonna be an amazing time. Everybody's gonna dress up—we're gonna celebrate each other. And boom, I then realized that it responded to like a gaping hole. There was a missing thing for Black girls of all walks of life, all ages, right?
"It's very intergenerational. That was intentional to come together and celebrate just being us."
You have all these instances where just being you is either the butt of a joke or it's diminished and not worthy of a specific title in these larger institutions. So what does it mean to just to be loved up on and celebrated?
It felt like a self-care project at first. You know, for the first couple of years, folks were coming and they were getting that sisterhood. They were getting that tribe work that they were missing in their everyday lives.
I love the Black Girl Magic Ball because we got us. If I go out with a bang, they'll remember that Mahogany worked her a** off to make sure all the Black girls everywhere knew that she was the light. We are the blueprint.
For more information on Mahogany L. Browne, her work, and her future projects, visit her website or follow her on IG @mobrowne.
Featured image by Anthony Artis
“I think for me, an all-American girl, for some reason, brings me back to when I was younger, and just like playing at my grandma’s house and just being outside,” Kennedy told xoNecole ahead of her attendance at the 2025 BET Awards.
“I just feel like when I was younger, you know, you don’t have as many responsibilities. There’s not as much weighing you down, and so I kind of go back to that mindset. Like, even now, being 27, I’m trying to get back to that younger girl.”
The 2025 BET Awards, hosted by Kevin Hart, took place in Los Angeles at the Peacock Theater on Monday night (June 9). The star-studded event was filled with tons of surprises, including a trip down memory lane with a 106 & Park reunion, coupled with performances by artists that dominated the top spots during the music video countdown show’s reign from 2000 to 2014.
Kennedy, who received her first nomination alongside Tanner Adell, Brittney Spencer, Reyna Roberts, and Beyoncè in the BET Her category for “Blackbiird,” the reimagination of the original The Beatles of the same title (minus the extra i), invited xoNecole to get ready with her as she prepared for her first-ever BET Awards.
Beauty Rituals Inherited From Her Mother.
Rather than booking her makeup artist ahead of the big night, Kennedy decided to go on a budget and do the task herself, something that isn’t too out of her norm. She noted how she incorporates some of the things she witnessed her mother do while growing up in her routine.
“I remember being younger and seeing all the makeup laid out on my mom’s counter,” the “I Look Good In That Truck” singer recalled. “I don’t even think she knows this, but there were moments where I would like to go and steal her makeup. She would have Mac. I think it was some kind of foundation powder, and I would go in there and I would put it on, and I’m like I hope she doesn’t see.”
She added, “My mom is very natural with her makeup, so even though I’ve got these big lashes on, I always gravitate towards just neutral looks… I don’t do anything too fancy.”
Tiera Kennedy’s Holy Grail of Products.
Kennedy took it upon herself to take a class to ensure that she’s prepared for nights like these, where she’s the one responsible for bringing her glam look to life.
“We are independent,” she said, reminding us that she is no longer tied to a big machine when it comes to her work as an artist. “We ball on a budget. I have to do my makeup for award shows, events, all the things, and so my makeup artist that taught me how to do all of this, Hailee Clark, she put me on to Nars, the foundation. I don’t know exactly what the name of it is, but I love it.”
“I don’t know all the fancy technicals, but I know that it makes me just look kind of airbrushed, and so I love it. Then, I always use this Laura Mercier [setting] powder because I get real shiny, so I’ve gotta reapply that quite often.”
“We are independent. We ball on a budget. I have to do my makeup for award shows, events, all the things, and so my makeup artist that taught me how to do all of this, Hailee Clark, she put me on."
Her Decision To Wear Hanifa For The Big Night.
Intentionality is essential for Kennedy, which is why she jumped at the opportunity to support Black designer Anifa Mvuemba with a dress from her fashion brand, Hanifa.
“Takirra on my team helped me pick out the dress. I really like to represent in country music, and being in Nashville, I like to represent Black culture through the things that I wear, and I was excited to get to wear a Black brand to the BET Awards,” said Kennedy.
“She was telling me about this brand, Hanifa, and we were on FaceTime just scrolling through the website, and she was like this looks like you. This feels very rooted, like fits those natural tones, and so she bought the dress and was like, ‘This is what you’re wearing.’”
The look was a Raven Knit Dress in Eggplant/Dark Brown Mesh from Hanifa.
Tiera Kennedy in her younger years.
Courtesy
Kennedy also nurtured her inner child for the look, taking it back to her roots with one small detail in her hair that she had her mother carry out before she hopped on the flight to LA.
“I had this vision of wearing beads in my hair because when I was younger, my mom would always do that, and I didn’t love it, but now I’m like, it would be really beautiful to tie all of that together, and the Hanifa dress just fit perfectly.”
“Just even in the past couple of days, I’ve had to take a second, and just look back at all of the awesome things we’ve gotten to do,” said Kennedy when asked what baby Tiera is feeling in this moment.
“I had this vision of wearing beads in my hair, because when I was younger, my mom would always do that, and I didn’t love it, but now I’m like, it would be really beautiful to tie all of that together, and the Hanifa dress just fit perfectly.”
“I dreamed of having a record and having this team that was doing all of these things for me, and now, being an independent artist, and being in control of my career, I’ve gotten to build an awesome team behind me that helps me get to where I am. It’s been a lot of hard work, and I think when I was younger, I would have never imagined that I could do all of these things, and so, yeah, to be here, I don’t even think I would believe it.”
Although “Blackbiird” didn’t win in the BET Her category during Monday night’s show, Kennedy’s future is brighter than ever, which she attests to her faith playing a huge role in guiding her next steps as she continues to rise to stardom.
“Thinking about the next thing, I think that can be really daunting when you’re an independent artist. It’s like you have to be thinking of what’s coming next, to prepare for that, but I think the way that I like to walk through life in general is letting the Lord lead,” Kennedy said.
“I know that a lot of time when I have a vision of what I want things to look like in my head, He always exceed my expectations. So, I think the plan is to continue to release music, and continue to show up as my authentic self. Getting to have these moments like the BET Awards is so awesome, but also, at the same time, that’s not what I do this for. I do it for the humans that are listening to my music, that are [having] fun and healing through my music, so I hope that I can just continue to do that.”
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Feature image by Rob Latour/Shutterstock