It was a brisk Saturday morning in February when I was fighting the overwhelming desire to travel to my beau's basement apartment and viciously throttle him.
Now, normally I'm not a violent person at all. In fact, I often shy away from confrontation. Something about the vibe of anger leaves a nauseous taste in my mouth, but no one will test your character more than the person you're sleeping with.
Let me give you a bit of background info. Before this relationship, I had been single for three years and desperately in love with the idea of love. At my core, I am unabashedly a hopeless romantic and rooted to the idea of not only a soulmate but a purpose-mate. Yes, you read that correctly.
I believe there is a man out there whose soul not only matches mine but enhances my life's purpose as well.
I believe that us being together means a bit more than the usual sentimental gush you feel when dating someone. Our union will be IMPACTFUL, and more than me just wanting to be in the honeymoon phase.
Back to the story. I had been dating this guy for five months because in the initial stages of our relationship he portrayed himself as a patient, compassionate, and God-fearing man. He seemed like the perfect dream --- until he didn't. Suddenly, he was short with me, uninterested, and incredibly self-centered. Worst of all, there was no more evidence of him even BELIEVING in God, let alone FEARING him. I'd been down this road before, and my subconscious fears were realized.
Once again, I fell head over heels for a counterfeit.
A counterfeit is a romantic companion who is a fraudulent imitation of your purpose-mate. These are people who put on their best front to seduce you but lack the character and substance to build a life with you. You shouldn't want to settle for a poor imitation of the one you're meant to be with.
So how could I spot the signs of deception in the future? I came up with 3 keys of spotting a fake purpose-mate before wasting a huge amount of time. Are you ready for the keys? Yes? GO!
All Bark, No Bite
A friend of mine used to say that you're actually dating a person's representative during the first few months. This is the time of the romantic sales pitch, so to speak. Everything sounds attractive and a bunch of promises are made but rarely fulfilled. In fact, your beau seems to be all talk, no action, and defensive when you hold them accountable. In my case, I didn't want to nag my boyfriend but I envisioned my purpose-mate to be a man of his word, thus leading me to see this as a major red flag.
Still, this red flag doesn't start and end with empty promises. In the case of my ex, he portrayed himself to be wise with money and able to afford expensive clothing. Instead, he struggled with his monthly bills while striving to keep up his trendy appearances. That was NOT the kind of impact I was originally looking for.
Comfort vs. Growth
Another red flag is if they no longer inspire or challenge you to grow. It is very easy to live for the weekend and be distracted by things that don't grow your gifts.
In the beginning stages of our relationship, my ex's actions were very encouraging. He was supportive of me starting my women's encouragement brand and even sent daily uplifting messages. At the same time, he was taking steps to improve himself and his craft. Within three months, however, things drastically changed. The support and encouragement died out, and he was disinterested in both of our passions and goals.
He was content to do what he always did and rejected being bothered.
The whole goal of doing life with someone is not to grow alone. A purpose mate is intentional about bringing out the best in you and will challenge you to go out of your comfort zone. You won't have to force your partner to be on the same page. Iron will sharpen iron.
Purpose Over Pleasure
Finally, something that should get those internal alarms ringing is how often they choose pleasure over purpose. When you're looking to build a life with someone, your decisions are centered on togetherness and longevity. You're both in this for the long haul, so you craft a plan to create the life you want. For example, instead of helping to save money for a new home, my ex would impulsively spend his hard earned cash. He didn't grasp the bigger picture of starting a family later because he was focused on filling his voids right now. It's hard to keep a facade when it comes to financial behaviors. Still, my counterfeit spent more time living up short-term pleasures than investing in long-term purpose.
To operate with a purpose mindset is to make consistent decisions of sacrifice. To operate with a pleasure mindset is to choose your immediate desires over your aspirations and ambitions.
Now, I'm not saying don't treat yourself or administer self-care, but the problem here is in the discipline.
Your purpose-mate will be actively looking to grow and willing to sacrifice short-term rewards for long-term results. Your purpose-mate will want to be at their best for you because love is a verb and you're investing in your future TOGETHER. My ex clearly showed me that he only gave a damn about himself.
So those are my 3 keys to spotting a counterfeit. The next time your gut tells you to err on the side of caution, take a look at these keys and evaluate if this person is really the one you've been waiting on. After all of this year's fake news, a fake boo should be the last of your worries.
Featured image by Shutterstock
- 3 Keys To Detect A Fake Purpose-Mate - xoNecole ›
- 'Future Faking' Is The Current Dating Trend To Be Leery Of - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Signs She's Faking It, Relationships - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Keisha "Kay" Williams is a lifetime writer and founder of the women's encouragement brand, Mining 4 Diamonds. A self-declared ambivert, her passions include talking to God, vigorous napping and igniting the warrior spirit in women worldwide. You can keep up with her and all things Diamond at ikaywill.com.
This article is in partnership with Sensodyne.
Our teeth are connected to so many things - our nutrition, our confidence, and our overall mood. We often take for granted how important healthy teeth are, until issues like tooth sensitivity or gum recession come to remind us. Like most things related to our bodies, prevention is the best medicine. Here are five things you can do immediately to improve your oral hygiene, prevent tooth sensitivity, and avoid dental issues down the road.
1) Go Easy On the Rough Brushing: Brushing your teeth is and always will be priority number one in the oral hygiene department. No surprises there! However, there is such a thing as applying too much pressure when brushing…and that can lead to problems over time. Use a toothbrush with soft bristles and brush in smooth, circular motions. It may seem counterintuitive, but a gentle approach to brushing is the most effective way to clean those pearly whites without wearing away enamel and exposing sensitive areas of the teeth.
2) Use A Desensitizing Toothpaste: As everyone knows, mouth pain can be highly uncomfortable; but tooth sensitivity is a whole different beast. Hot weather favorites like ice cream and popsicles have the ability to trigger tooth sensitivity, which might make you want to stay away from icy foods altogether. But as always, prevention is the best medicine here. Switching to a toothpaste like Sensodyne’s Sensitivity & Gum toothpaste specifically designed for sensitive teeth will help build a protective layer over sensitive areas of the tooth. Over time, those sharp sensations that occur with extremely cold foods will subside, and you’ll be back to treating yourself to your icy faves like this one!
3) Floss, Rinse, Brush. (And In That Order!): Have you ever heard the saying, “It’s not what you do, but how you do it”? Well, the same thing applies to taking care of your teeth. Even if you are flossing and brushing religiously, you could be missing out on some of the benefits simply because you aren’t doing so in the right order. Flossing is best to do before brushing because it removes food particles and plaque from places your toothbrush can’t reach. After a proper flossing sesh, it is important to rinse out your mouth with water after. Finally, you can whip out your toothbrush and get to brushing. Though many of us commonly rinse with water after brushing to remove excess toothpaste, it may not be the best thing for our teeth. That’s because fluoride, the active ingredient in toothpaste that protects your enamel, works best when it gets to sit on the teeth and continue working its magic. Rinsing with water after brushing doesn’t let the toothpaste go to work like it really can. Changing up your order may take some getting used to, but over time, you’ll see the difference.
4) Stay Hydrated: Upping your water supply is a no-fail way to level up your health overall, and your teeth are no exception to this rule. Drinking water not only helps maintain a healthy pH balance in your mouth, but it also washes away residue and acids that can cause enamel erosion. It also helps you steer clear of dry mouth, which is a gateway to bad breath. And who needs that?
5) Show Your Gums Some Love: When it comes to improving your smile, you may be laser-focused on getting your teeth whiter, straighter, and overall healthier. Rightfully so, as these are all attributes of a megawatt smile; but you certainly don’t want to leave gum health out of the equation. If you neglect your gums, you’ll start to notice the effects of plaque buildup, which can irritate the gums and cause gingivitis, the earliest stage of gum disease. Seeing blood while brushing and flossing is a tell-tale sign that your gums are suffering. You may also experience gum recession — a condition where the gum tissue surrounding your teeth pulls back, exposing more of your tooth. Brushing at least twice a day with a gum-protecting toothpaste like Sensodyne Sensitivity and Gum, coupled with regular dentist visits, will keep your gums shining as bright as those pearly whites.
Watching Angela “Blac Chyna” White’s transformation in real-time has truly been a sight to see. It wasn’t that long ago that she announced that she was reversing her cosmetic surgeries in an effort to go back to who she was before the world came to know her as Blac Chyna. In previous interviews, she stated that she was dissolving her facial and lip fillers, removing her breast implants, and getting a butt reduction, as well as removing the dimple piercings that enhanced her fame and controversial tattoos.
In a recent Tamron Hall interview, the mother of two said that she has “fully recovered” from the procedures. She is also celebrating one year of sobriety and opened up about being worried about how her new journey would be received by others.
“I’ve been in the entertainment industry for so long, right, and of course, like, you know, coming out, I’m like young, I’m gonna do wild things as we all have,” she said.
“...I feel like by me being vocal and showing everybody you can change your life and things can get better, like through myself, that right there is an accomplishment, and that’s a part of freedom, too.”
But as she started on her journey, many people have shown her grace, which is something she’s grateful for. “And then the fact that people have been showing me grace, it’s like amazing,” she said. “And I feel like when I did it, I just did it. It was more so like spiritual thing and I feel like people see that, and I’ve always been like my authentic self, so what you see is kinda what you get with me, and that’s just kinda what it is.”
Chyna, who recently received an honorary doctorate from Sacramento Theology Seminary and Bible College, has also repaired her relationship with her mom, Tokyo Toni. The social media celebrity surprised her daughter on the Tamron Hall Show. Prior to the sentimental surprise, Chyna dished on the reconciliation and having a better understanding of her mom.
“I must say, some of the things I have to take accountability for because, like my actions. As a mother, you don’t want to see your daughter doing certain things ‘cause it’s like it doesn’t matter what my past was or what we’re going through, I didn’t raise you that way,” she admitted. “So, it’s like, okay, maybe I was a little bit wrong. Maybe I was acting out a little bit. But I feel like as we grow older, I kinda see more, and I understand more.”
Chyna will be starring in season two of Fox's reality competition show Special Forces: World's Toughest Test.
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Feature image by Kevin Winter/Getty Images