3 Keys To Detect A Fake Purpose-Mate
It was a brisk Saturday morning in February when I was fighting the overwhelming desire to travel to my beau's basement apartment and viciously throttle him.
Now, normally I'm not a violent person at all. In fact, I often shy away from confrontation. Something about the vibe of anger leaves a nauseous taste in my mouth, but no one will test your character more than the person you're sleeping with.
Let me give you a bit of background info. Before this relationship, I had been single for three years and desperately in love with the idea of love. At my core, I am unabashedly a hopeless romantic and rooted to the idea of not only a soulmate but a purpose-mate. Yes, you read that correctly.
I believe there is a man out there whose soul not only matches mine but enhances my life's purpose as well.
I believe that us being together means a bit more than the usual sentimental gush you feel when dating someone. Our union will be IMPACTFUL, and more than me just wanting to be in the honeymoon phase.
Back to the story. I had been dating this guy for five months because in the initial stages of our relationship he portrayed himself as a patient, compassionate, and God-fearing man. He seemed like the perfect dream --- until he didn't. Suddenly, he was short with me, uninterested, and incredibly self-centered. Worst of all, there was no more evidence of him even BELIEVING in God, let alone FEARING him. I'd been down this road before, and my subconscious fears were realized.
Once again, I fell head over heels for a counterfeit.
A counterfeit is a romantic companion who is a fraudulent imitation of your purpose-mate. These are people who put on their best front to seduce you but lack the character and substance to build a life with you. You shouldn't want to settle for a poor imitation of the one you're meant to be with.
So how could I spot the signs of deception in the future? I came up with 3 keys of spotting a fake purpose-mate before wasting a huge amount of time. Are you ready for the keys? Yes? GO!
All Bark, No Bite
A friend of mine used to say that you're actually dating a person's representative during the first few months. This is the time of the romantic sales pitch, so to speak. Everything sounds attractive and a bunch of promises are made but rarely fulfilled. In fact, your beau seems to be all talk, no action, and defensive when you hold them accountable. In my case, I didn't want to nag my boyfriend but I envisioned my purpose-mate to be a man of his word, thus leading me to see this as a major red flag.
Still, this red flag doesn't start and end with empty promises. In the case of my ex, he portrayed himself to be wise with money and able to afford expensive clothing. Instead, he struggled with his monthly bills while striving to keep up his trendy appearances. That was NOT the kind of impact I was originally looking for.
Comfort vs. Growth
Another red flag is if they no longer inspire or challenge you to grow. It is very easy to live for the weekend and be distracted by things that don't grow your gifts.
In the beginning stages of our relationship, my ex's actions were very encouraging. He was supportive of me starting my women's encouragement brand and even sent daily uplifting messages. At the same time, he was taking steps to improve himself and his craft. Within three months, however, things drastically changed. The support and encouragement died out, and he was disinterested in both of our passions and goals.
He was content to do what he always did and rejected being bothered.
The whole goal of doing life with someone is not to grow alone. A purpose mate is intentional about bringing out the best in you and will challenge you to go out of your comfort zone. You won't have to force your partner to be on the same page. Iron will sharpen iron.
Purpose Over Pleasure
Finally, something that should get those internal alarms ringing is how often they choose pleasure over purpose. When you're looking to build a life with someone, your decisions are centered on togetherness and longevity. You're both in this for the long haul, so you craft a plan to create the life you want. For example, instead of helping to save money for a new home, my ex would impulsively spend his hard earned cash. He didn't grasp the bigger picture of starting a family later because he was focused on filling his voids right now. It's hard to keep a facade when it comes to financial behaviors. Still, my counterfeit spent more time living up short-term pleasures than investing in long-term purpose.
To operate with a purpose mindset is to make consistent decisions of sacrifice. To operate with a pleasure mindset is to choose your immediate desires over your aspirations and ambitions.
Now, I'm not saying don't treat yourself or administer self-care, but the problem here is in the discipline.
Your purpose-mate will be actively looking to grow and willing to sacrifice short-term rewards for long-term results. Your purpose-mate will want to be at their best for you because love is a verb and you're investing in your future TOGETHER. My ex clearly showed me that he only gave a damn about himself.
So those are my 3 keys to spotting a counterfeit. The next time your gut tells you to err on the side of caution, take a look at these keys and evaluate if this person is really the one you've been waiting on. After all of this year's fake news, a fake boo should be the last of your worries.
Happy Dating!
Featured image by Shutterstock
- 3 Keys To Detect A Fake Purpose-Mate - xoNecole ›
- 'Future Faking' Is The Current Dating Trend To Be Leery Of - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Signs She's Faking It, Relationships - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Keisha "Kay" Williams is a lifetime writer and founder of the women's encouragement brand, Mining 4 Diamonds. A self-declared ambivert, her passions include talking to God, vigorous napping and igniting the warrior spirit in women worldwide. You can keep up with her and all things Diamond at ikaywill.com.
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Less & Less Of Us Have Close Friends These Days. Why Is That?
German philosopher Friedrich Nietzsche once said, “It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” At close to two decades of working with married couples, I agree with this man 1000 percent. It’s actually the main motivation for why I once penned, “Are You Sure You're Actually FRIENDS With Your Spouse?” because, the reality is, if you’re not friends with the person who you vowed to share every aspect of your life with, for the rest of your life, it’s going to be very difficult (if not damn near impossible) to honor that level of commitment. Without question, I will now and forever die on the hill that if you like your partner, you can make it through the not-so-in-love-right-now moments. Vice versa? Eh…not so much.
A basis for why I feel this way? Another quote immediately comes to mind. Famed author Jane Austen once wrote: “There is nothing I would not do for those who are really my friends. I have no notion of loving people by halves, it is not my nature.” You know, back when I also wrote “10 Things You Should Absolutely Expect From Your Friendships” for the platform, I shared that some of the traits of a friend — a real friend — include loyalty, honesty and compassion. And if you can’t say that your spouse is this way (as they say the same thing about you), chile…what is y’all doin’ over there?
So, why am I talking about marriage when this article is supposed to be about friendship? It’s because, something that life has taught me, kinda sorta the hard way, is we should vet potential friends — especially close friends — almost like we would a spouse.
And if you keep reading, I think you’ll get why I framed the intro in the way that I did.
Why Friendships Are Still Hella Essential
GiphyOkay, so before I get into why it seems that people have fewer friends than they ever had before, let me just say that, even as an ambivert who enjoys my own company and has absolutely no problem with being alone a good amount of the time, every personality type needs friends. That’s not just my opinion;science makes it a fact. Not only do studies support thathealthy friendships help us to feel more satisfied with our lives, but they can also reduce our chances of experiencing depression, stress, and anxiety and they increase longevity overall.
This is why — without going too deep because it’s kind of another topic for another time — it’s important to not allow past hurts and disappointments from former friends (or folks you thought were your friends) to cause you to build up walls as you declare that you don’t need anyone. When you do that, all you’re really doing is working against your own health and well-being. The saying that “no man (or woman) is an island”? It is absolutely true.
That said, even if it’s just a couple of people, make sure that you’ve got individuals in your life who you can call a friend and, in turn, they can say the very same thing about you, okay?
Are All of Those People Your Actual Friends? Or Do You Just Happen to Know a Lot of Folks?
GiphyAight but what if you happen to be someone who swings on the other side of few? Meaning, if someone were to ask you how many friends you had, you’d quickly declare that you’ve got too many to count. Listen, not to patronize or anything yet, but whenever I hear folks (especially if they are over 35) say something along those lines, it takes me back to high school — a time when so many of us thought that so long as we knew a ton of folks and/or we were popular, clearly, we had many friends.
Wisdom and pure ole’ dealing with humans on a consistent basis will teach you that an article that I wrote a few years back for the platform has a title that is spot-on: “According To Experts, We Only Have A Few Friends — Here's Why.” According to it, the average American (based on a survey that was conducted) has somewhere around 16 friends. Oh, but wait. Last fall, I wrote another article for the platform entitled, “What's The 'Five Friendship Theory' All About?” According to it, if you’re someone who takes the word “friend” and the responsibility that comes along with it very seriously and quite literally, as an adult, you can probably only maintain about five close friendships.
Why? Well, that brings in another article that I once wrote: “Life Taught Me That True Friendships Are 'Inconvenient.'” Chile, I don’t know about y’all but my friends know that if I call you that, you can call me in the middle of the night, and you can have money towards your rent (I’m not your mama but we all have hard times sometimes) and I’m gonna have your back in a way where you’ll wonder where you stop and I start — and no, I don’t have a lot of bandwidth for a ton of those people.
Okay, but what if you’re someone who is like, “I know that I have more than 16 and definitely more than five friends, no question”? The next thing that I would encourage you to explore is a theory by Aristotle (check out “According To Aristotle, We Need ‘Utility’, ‘Pleasure’ & ‘Good’ Friends”). Without even realizing it, many of us have people who we use the word “friend” for when…it’s kind of like how social media apps say “friend”: we’re familiar with one another and enjoy some of the same things, we might even have some of the same goals; at the same time, though, we’re not “all-encompassing friends.” We just get along really well at work (utility friends) or like to go to brunch at the same spots sometimes (pleasure friends).
Taking all of this into account, are you sure that you have a ton of actual friends? Or do you just happen to know a lot of people and you use that word for the lack of having another?
And that brings me to my next point.
There’s A LOT of Space Between “Friend” and “Enemy”
GiphyIf you read a lot of my friendship content, something that you will notice me saying quite a bit is that there is quite a bit of space between friend and enemy. It needs to be mentioned, as often as possible, because there are some people who get offended if you don’t consider them to be a friend — and that is unfortunate. I say that because the conclusion shouldn’t automatically be that they are your enemy just because “friend” isn’t what immediately comes to your mind.
They can be an acquaintance. They can be “cool people.” There is someone in my life who, while we’re not friends in the traditional sense, we are each other’s confidant; years ago, we agreed that we would be the place to tell each other whatever and it would stay between us — that is the main purpose that we serve in each other’s lives. Some people, you may consider to be spiritual family in the sense that you care for them and have some deeply profound things in common and still, they are not exactly a friend (I mean, a lot of blood relatives aren’t “friends” with each other).
All I’m trying to say here is we’re all too old now to only put folks in two boxes when it comes to this particular relational dynamic: friend or enemy. So, take some time out to seriously reflect on what you consider the various people in your life to be. I can promise you from personal experience that the sooner you know and the clearer you are, the easier it will be on everybody — because needs and expectations will be clear to you (and them once you articulate them) too.
What Got Folks to Having Less Friends? The Pandemic Plays a Significant Part.
GiphySo finally on to what inspired this piece to begin with. A part of it was an article that was published last year by Big Think entitled, “Americans more than ever have no friends. Here are 5 steps to make more friends.” Another was something that The New Yorker published back in 2021; it’s entitled “What COVID did to friendship.” Y’all don’t have enough time and I don’t have enough space to get into the fact that, just because the media may be talking about it less, that doesn’t mean that we’re not still in a pandemic.
In fact,one article stated my thoughts on it quite well when it said, “The real question, then, is not whether COVID is still a pandemic, but how much COVID illness and death are we willing to accept?” SMDH. And one of the things that has come with experiencing COVID is an interesting type of PTSD: detachment. There are plenty of articles out here to support the fact that my saying that is not merely my opinion.
Even according to the American Psychological Association, loneliness damn near skyrocketed, especially during lockdown and, unfortunately, a lot of people have not recovered from it. That’s why it did not surprise me at all when I read that more than ever, many people do not consider anyone to be a best friend; fewer people are relying on friends for any type of real support, and there is a semi-steady decline in people having friends, especially quality friendships, overall.
In fact, as far as close friends go, currently, close to 50 percent of Americans say that they only have three or fewer, and a relevant contributor to that was what the pandemic revealed as far as people’s proactive participation in other individuals’ lives (I actually read that young women were the ones who lost touch with friends during the peak of the pandemic the most). I also thought it was interesting that some studies cite that 12 percent of Americans say that they don’t have any friends at all.
Is the pandemic the only cause? No. So are things like people working more hours and spending more time online than they probably should (which also increased due to the pandemic, though). To that, Teen Vogue once published, “Social Media Is Impacting IRL Friendships” and Healthline once published, “Social Media Is Killing Your Friendships.” Then we also have to factor in having families of our own which can also take up a lot of time, and that sometimes can cause us to forget to nurture our friendships; so, before you know it, they fade to black. Not due to a fallout or anything, just…life.
And all of this? Some people are saying that it has led to what is known as a “friendship recession.” A huge flag about that is there are reports that a drop in close friends can cultivate a type of loneliness that is just as health hazardous as smoking a whopping 15 cigarettes a day. Not good, y’all. Not. Good.
Quality over Quantity Is Key. Just Make Sure That You Have a Friend or Two.
GiphyOkay, so what is my overall point? That’s a fair question. Just like sometimes “life life-ing” can make us forget to tend to our friendships, if you don’t stumble across content like this, you might not even realize that you’re feeling mentally stressed, emotionally strained, or super isolated and it’s all because you need to prioritize your friendships — because your mind, body, and spirit need them. Again, science has proved it.
At the same time, if, like a client of mine, you find yourself getting a little bit paranoid because you have noticed that over the past several years, your close friend count has been far less than what it used to be, this article proves that you are absolutely not (pardon the pun) alone. Honestly, there’s nothing wrong with having a very small circle of friends because quality is gonna beat out quantity every time; you just need to assess when it happened and why so that you can be sure that you are choosing it to play out that way and it’s not due to some underlying cause that you hadn’t taken into consideration — until now.
An Italian priest by the name of Thomas Aquinas once said, “The happy man in this life needs friends.” Even if it’s just one or two people, please make sure that you have folks who aren’t just your friend but your very close friend. You need them. They need you.
Everyone else, figure out where they fall and nurture accordingly. Life is a lot. We all get by with the help of our friends. Real talk, y’all. Thank goodness for them.
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Featured image by jose carlos cerdeno martinez/Getty Images