'Future Faking' Is The Current Dating Trend To Be Leery Of
Lawd. LAWD. So, there's a guy I know who is one of the biggest commitment-phobes on the planet. And something that is really uncanny about him is the narrative that surrounds him when it comes to the women he dates is basically exactly the same. What I mean by that is they all seem to get the impression that he will be their future husband. When I actually brought this commonality to his attention, he initially shrugged it off as the women being "crazy". However, the journalist and marriage life coach in me decided to do a little bit of investigating. What I came to discover is this ninja was a straight up future faker. And future fakers are the absolute worst. On a few levels.
If you've never heard that term before yet a part of you is really curious about what that kind of person is and why they are so damn problematic, it's your lucky day, sis. I'm gonna do my best to unpack the current popular dating trend known as future fakers so if one ever comes your way—or comes your way again—you can nip the convos in the bud, dodge the total-waste-of-time connection and go on your happy way, cause girrrrrrl…GIRL.
Future Faking: What Is It?
I'm thinking that, for the most part, future faking is self-explanatory. However, just to make sure that there are absolutely no assumptions or misconceptions, I'm gonna expound beyond the phrase just a bit. Also, I'm actually gonna use the guy I referenced in the intro to do it. Whew. Something that one of the many casualties of this particular future faker once told me is he had a habit of coming over to her house, slow dancing in her living room and talking about things like what their wedding day would someday be like and what they would name their future kids. Meanwhile, what he would tell me is she was nothing more than a glorified jump off—and that she wasn't the only one, even as he was sleeping with her.
Can you feel even more what a future faker is? It's a person who uses the future as a form of seduction.
They might tell you on the third date that they can't wait to introduce you to their family or, after a couple of months, that they could see building a real future with you. They might bring up in conversation how much fun it would be to have you come along as a date to an upcoming wedding or some other big event or, if you're out at the mall together, they might point to a jewelry store and casually mention that they would totally be down to pick something sparkly up for you in there.
What's wrong with any of this? On the surface, nothing at all. In fact, it's the hope that a healthy relationship would indeed progress in this manner. That's the problem, though—a future faker isn't qualified to be in a grown-up relationship because all they do is make promises and then turn around and break them. They say just enough to make it sound good and make you feel safe and connected yet their follow-through almost always totally sucks.
So, why is future faking so destructive that I felt I should write a full article about it? Because I think a lot of people end up getting really hurt by future fakers. Shoot, some people even end up getting engaged or perhaps even married to them.
Take a friend of mine who's been married to her future faker for almost two decades at this point. There are specific things that he told her in their first year of marriage that he's still promising to this day. Why would she marry someone like that? Well, that's kind of a write-up on its own. What I will say is sometimes what happens is we want someone or a certain kind of relationship so badly that we will keep giving them passes on not keeping their word because our emotions tell us that someday that won't be the case—someday, they will change. Meanwhile, they enjoy the way our eyes light up and how we champion for them when they do tell us that they plan on doing "this" or "that".
As a direct result, what tends to happen is, we find ourselves thinking that we're in a relationship that is based on love when we're actually entangled in something that is rooted in false hope. They are always gonna promise, we are (almost) always gonna believe them and that creates a complex bond that can be hard to break free from. That's another reason why I felt it was so important to send this smoke signal out.
So, what should you do to guard your heart, mind, and body against these tips of ninja-you're-trippin' individuals?
Future Faking 101: 5 Tips for Avoiding Getting Entangled with a Future Faker
1. Take things slow.
Seduction is a funny thing. It can have you out here so caught up in the allure of it all that you find yourself throwing caution to the wind and moving much faster than common sense knows that you should. That said, I don't care how sexy or charming ole' boy is, if you're on the first or second date, he's already talking about he could fall in love with you, try to not get too emotionally invested in that. While it might be an ego boost, healthy and responsible individuals tend to be more cautious with their words and feelings. It's one thing to say, "I dig you". It's another to say, "You're the one". Door B is what a future faker typically picks (especially if he hasn't been able to get you into bed) every time. Not because he means it. Because he thinks you'll fall for it.
2. Hold them accountable.
Patterns. It's amazing how many of us choose to blatantly ignore patterns. If a future faker can see bringing you home for Christmas, he can definitely show up on time for a date that he made a week from now. Remember, that a telling sign of a future faker is their gift of gab, so don't be out here moved by romantic hypotheticals when they can't even honor what they said they would do in real-time.
3. Require more than charm, sexiness, and seduction.
Charm is ridiculous. Yes, its charm is, well, charming yet it's still ridiculous. That's a part of the reason why I think it's comedy that so many Disney stories (which are fairy tales that are defined as being misleading stories for children) have a Prince Charming in them and so many grown women are out here saying that they are awaiting their Prince Charming. That said, I've always liked that the Bible says that charm is deceitful (and beauty is fleeting—Proverbs 31:30). To use one's power of looks, delivery or whatever to make someone fall for them with no real intention on doing the same is just what a future faker will do.
That's why, I don't care how much you like how charming, sexy or seductive a man may be, require more than all of that in order to keep your attention. Otherwise, you're gonna end up pretty disillusioned and disappointed. When it comes to this kind of guy, it's not a "might" either; it's definitely a will.
4. Stay in reality.
Newness in relationships is dope. Finding someone you connect with is dope. If it grows into something serious and lasting? That is really dope. Just remember that the beginning stages of relationships need to be grounded in reality. Sadly, a lot of people end up wasting a lot of time, effort and energy in something because their "measuring stick" is some favorite rom-com or fiction book when any healthy married couple with more than five years under their belt will tell you is intimate relationships will bring some reality checks that you never saw coming. When you're seeing someone new, reality is about looking at the truth and the facts of what's really going on. In other words, nice words are great (I'm a words of affirmation person, so I'm all for it); however, actions need to happen too.
Wishers and cravers fall for future fakers a lot because what they want to happen trumps what actually is transpiring, more times than not. Try and avoid being this kind of individual.
5. Remember what Maya Angelou said.
The late and great Maya Angelou once said something that could spare a lot of us unnecessary drama and heartache if we actually took it to heart. She said, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." A future faker is gonna constantly talk about what could happen up the road because time hasn't gotten there yet. That's why you definitely need to pay more attention to the present. If he keeps disappointing you now, why give him more future opportunities to do the same?
Future fakers are the worst because they try and get you to put hope in them when they don't have any real intention in manifesting most. All talk, no action is a total waste of time—for your present and your future. Now that you know…you know.
Featured image by Giphy
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images