Lawd. LAWD. So, there's a guy I know who is one of the biggest commitment-phobes on the planet. And something that is really uncanny about him is the narrative that surrounds him when it comes to the women he dates is basically exactly the same. What I mean by that is they all seem to get the impression that he will be their future husband. When I actually brought this commonality to his attention, he initially shrugged it off as the women being "crazy". However, the journalist and marriage life coach in me decided to do a little bit of investigating. What I came to discover is this ninja was a straight up future faker. And future fakers are the absolute worst. On a few levels.
If you've never heard that term before yet a part of you is really curious about what that kind of person is and why they are so damn problematic, it's your lucky day, sis. I'm gonna do my best to unpack the current popular dating trend known as future fakers so if one ever comes your way—or comes your way again—you can nip the convos in the bud, dodge the total-waste-of-time connection and go on your happy way, cause girrrrrrl…GIRL.
Future Faking: What Is It?
I'm thinking that, for the most part, future faking is self-explanatory. However, just to make sure that there are absolutely no assumptions or misconceptions, I'm gonna expound beyond the phrase just a bit. Also, I'm actually gonna use the guy I referenced in the intro to do it. Whew. Something that one of the many casualties of this particular future faker once told me is he had a habit of coming over to her house, slow dancing in her living room and talking about things like what their wedding day would someday be like and what they would name their future kids. Meanwhile, what he would tell me is she was nothing more than a glorified jump off—and that she wasn't the only one, even as he was sleeping with her.
Can you feel even more what a future faker is? It's a person who uses the future as a form of seduction.
They might tell you on the third date that they can't wait to introduce you to their family or, after a couple of months, that they could see building a real future with you. They might bring up in conversation how much fun it would be to have you come along as a date to an upcoming wedding or some other big event or, if you're out at the mall together, they might point to a jewelry store and casually mention that they would totally be down to pick something sparkly up for you in there.
What's wrong with any of this? On the surface, nothing at all. In fact, it's the hope that a healthy relationship would indeed progress in this manner. That's the problem, though—a future faker isn't qualified to be in a grown-up relationship because all they do is make promises and then turn around and break them. They say just enough to make it sound good and make you feel safe and connected yet their follow-through almost always totally sucks.
So, why is future faking so destructive that I felt I should write a full article about it? Because I think a lot of people end up getting really hurt by future fakers. Shoot, some people even end up getting engaged or perhaps even married to them.
Take a friend of mine who's been married to her future faker for almost two decades at this point. There are specific things that he told her in their first year of marriage that he's still promising to this day. Why would she marry someone like that? Well, that's kind of a write-up on its own. What I will say is sometimes what happens is we want someone or a certain kind of relationship so badly that we will keep giving them passes on not keeping their word because our emotions tell us that someday that won't be the case—someday, they will change. Meanwhile, they enjoy the way our eyes light up and how we champion for them when they do tell us that they plan on doing "this" or "that".
As a direct result, what tends to happen is, we find ourselves thinking that we're in a relationship that is based on love when we're actually entangled in something that is rooted in false hope. They are always gonna promise, we are (almost) always gonna believe them and that creates a complex bond that can be hard to break free from. That's another reason why I felt it was so important to send this smoke signal out.
So, what should you do to guard your heart, mind, and body against these tips of ninja-you're-trippin' individuals?
Future Faking 101: 5 Tips for Avoiding Getting Entangled with a Future Faker
1. Take things slow.
Seduction is a funny thing. It can have you out here so caught up in the allure of it all that you find yourself throwing caution to the wind and moving much faster than common sense knows that you should. That said, I don't care how sexy or charming ole' boy is, if you're on the first or second date, he's already talking about he could fall in love with you, try to not get too emotionally invested in that. While it might be an ego boost, healthy and responsible individuals tend to be more cautious with their words and feelings. It's one thing to say, "I dig you". It's another to say, "You're the one". Door B is what a future faker typically picks (especially if he hasn't been able to get you into bed) every time. Not because he means it. Because he thinks you'll fall for it.
2. Hold them accountable.
Patterns. It's amazing how many of us choose to blatantly ignore patterns. If a future faker can see bringing you home for Christmas, he can definitely show up on time for a date that he made a week from now. Remember, that a telling sign of a future faker is their gift of gab, so don't be out here moved by romantic hypotheticals when they can't even honor what they said they would do in real-time.
3. Require more than charm, sexiness, and seduction.
Charm is ridiculous. Yes, its charm is, well, charming yet it's still ridiculous. That's a part of the reason why I think it's comedy that so many Disney stories (which are fairy tales that are defined as being misleading stories for children) have a Prince Charming in them and so many grown women are out here saying that they are awaiting their Prince Charming. That said, I've always liked that the Bible says that charm is deceitful (and beauty is fleeting—Proverbs 31:30). To use one's power of looks, delivery or whatever to make someone fall for them with no real intention on doing the same is just what a future faker will do.
That's why, I don't care how much you like how charming, sexy or seductive a man may be, require more than all of that in order to keep your attention. Otherwise, you're gonna end up pretty disillusioned and disappointed. When it comes to this kind of guy, it's not a "might" either; it's definitely a will.
4. Stay in reality.
Newness in relationships is dope. Finding someone you connect with is dope. If it grows into something serious and lasting? That is really dope. Just remember that the beginning stages of relationships need to be grounded in reality. Sadly, a lot of people end up wasting a lot of time, effort and energy in something because their "measuring stick" is some favorite rom-com or fiction book when any healthy married couple with more than five years under their belt will tell you is intimate relationships will bring some reality checks that you never saw coming. When you're seeing someone new, reality is about looking at the truth and the facts of what's really going on. In other words, nice words are great (I'm a words of affirmation person, so I'm all for it); however, actions need to happen too.
Wishers and cravers fall for future fakers a lot because what they want to happen trumps what actually is transpiring, more times than not. Try and avoid being this kind of individual.
5. Remember what Maya Angelou said.
The late and great Maya Angelou once said something that could spare a lot of us unnecessary drama and heartache if we actually took it to heart. She said, "When people show you who they are, believe them the first time." A future faker is gonna constantly talk about what could happen up the road because time hasn't gotten there yet. That's why you definitely need to pay more attention to the present. If he keeps disappointing you now, why give him more future opportunities to do the same?
Future fakers are the worst because they try and get you to put hope in them when they don't have any real intention in manifesting most. All talk, no action is a total waste of time—for your present and your future. Now that you know…you know.
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