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Ever Wonder If You're Moving Too Fast In A Relationship?
If there's one thing that you can trust me to do, several times a week, it's bump some 80s and 90s R&B. A particular song that I was vibin' to recently is "(You're Puttin') a Rush on Me" by Stephanie Mills. After listening to her preach about a guy moving too soon, it reminded me to go to one of my favorite Mya songs which is "Best of Me" (the original or the remix both slap). I always like that Mya referred to someone having sex with her as them getting "her best". Anyway, if you listen to both songs, they both speak of how it's a good thing to not move quickly and while they're mostly speaking to moving on the sexual tip, I think it's important to expand that to our head and hearts as well.
Signs Your Relationship Is Moving Too Fast
You know how the old saying goes—haste makes waste. Unfortunately, in this microwave and cell phone society that we live in where everything is wanted immediately, a lot of people have absolutely no idea when they are moving faster than they probably should in a relationship. If you're curious about what some of those signs are, I've got a few for you today.
1.You Feel Some Level of Anxiety, Right Out the Gate
Even as I'm typing this all out, I've got a friend who has a woman in his life who he really likes. Problem is, even though they've known each other for several months, they've only been on a couple of dates and all she seems to talk about is, "So, where is this heading?" Meanwhile, he's like, "It's been coffee twice and you've watched one movie at my house once. Can we chill a bit?"
There's another woman I know who, last I checked is still married. You know what, though? Her husband has been absolutely miserable for at least half of their relationship. When they were dating, he dug her but because she was so, "I date to marry. I DATE TO MARRY!" with her energy and he didn't want to lose her, he jumped the broom without them really getting to know one another all that well. And her? She was so consumed with "getting a husband" that she didn't even really think about what she was gonna do after landing one.
One of the most popular Scriptures in the Bible is also one that gets ignored—a lot. It starts off by saying, "Be anxious for nothing." (Philippians 4:6-7) Putting yourself through a lot of mental distress or acting all eager typically does more harm than good; especially in dating dynamics. If you're someone who has no clue how to just be in the moment, even just for a little while when it comes to relationships, to me that is a clear sign that you probably have a tendency to move too fast. Way too fast, actually.
2.You’ve Got SUPER FIRM Time Limits on Your Relationship Goals
Every relationship is different. That's because every person is different. That's why, although I definitely do think there is some validity to data that talks about things like how long two people should (seriously) see each other before getting married, I also think that it's unrealistic and unfair to expect that to apply to every couple in America. What I mean by that is, if you've decided in your mind that someone only has a year to be with you before proposing and if they don't get on one knee, you're out, you could find yourself sabotaging a relationship before it even starts.
What if you're in a long-distance relationship? What if there are certain goals that need to be attained, separately first (my mom used to say, "Do everything you can't compromise before getting married.")? What if one or both of you need to get some debt cleared away? Let's be real—what if one or both of you need to get some past relationships fully resolved (you'd be amazed how many married people haven't done that and it has come back to haunt them in real-time)? People who set firm time limits on relationships without factoring in, shoot, life are also ones who tend to force things to happen before they should. Not wanting to date forever is one thing. Putting your relationship in a pressure cooker is something else. Be realistic about where the both of you are, what the both of you need, and go from there.
3.You Haven’t Healed from Your Past Relationships
I'm sure some of y'all have heard the saying that you should take half of the time a relationship took to heal from it once it is over. Chile, I guess. When it comes to some of my exes, it took years and years. You wanna know a part of the reason why? It was because I would go from guy to guy without spending at least a few months TOTALLY alone. Totally means no dating. Totally means no sex. Totally means not being preoccupied with the idea of either of those things too. I've shared before that a saying that really gets under my skin is, "The best way to get over someone is to get underneath someone else." If you look at that from 30,000 feet in the air, what you're really saying is, "I'm scared to be alone with my thoughts to really process what happened so that I can grow from it, not continue the pattern, and choose better next time. I'll just use sex as a distraction instead."
People who don't heal from their past? Not only do they typically repeat it on some level (check out "Are You Dating The Same Guy Over And Over Again? Maybe."), they usually struggle FOR-E-VER to become whole because they never give themselves enough space to become fully OK on their own. And since the pain is hard to bear, they just keep going from person to person, hoping that it will fix something when really, all it does is make the individuals their fix. As someone who is finally at a point in my life where there is no one to get over and have closure with or pine away about—not only are my standards way higher and healthier but because I feel complete within my own being, there is no need to rush the process. God knows what I desire. I'm fine with following his lead on when and how to make it manifest. Until then, I'm chillin'. And it's all good. It really is.
4.You “Lead” with Sex
I'm a fan of sex. Goodness, I write about it on here all of the time. Still, I know there is a spiritual and emotional component to it that goes overlooked, far too much. It's like (some) people are so caught up in the physical benefits of copulating that they act like sex shouldn't serve a far greater purpose. While I haven't ever had a one-night stand, I have had sex with friends which I made the relationship bigger in my mind than it deserved to be. Wanna know why? Because after we came together in that way, I found myself attached. The Bible says that sex makes people one (Genesis 2:24-25 and I Corinthians 6:16-20—Message). The natural hormone oxytocin comes behind it and says that sex makes us feel closer to people (so, even if you aren't a Bible follower, science basically says the same thing).
That's why I think it is a huge no-no to put yourself in the pattern of leading with sex. For one thing, just because a man sleeps with you, that doesn't mean that he's—pardon the pun—into you; you need some time to get to know him as a person so that you can see if he's digging you beneath the surface. Second, great sex is not synonymous with a great person or partner (check out "Don't Mistake A Great Sex Partner For A Great Life Partner") but if you are getting sexual involved too soon or you don't choose to see sex as the icing of a relationship and not the cake, you could find yourself mistaking a happy libido for a healthy heart dynamic.
Again, sex is dope. Still, it's not everything. If you're constantly leading with sex or allowing your relationships to be about sex more than just about anything else, it very well could create a mirage in the sense of you thinking that there is more to someone—and your being with them—than there actually is. Get mentally and emotionally intimate first. You can trust what comes from that so much easier.
5.Your Friends Are Saying It (or At Least, Implying It)
There is one particular guy from my past who, to this day, all of my friends are basically like, "Just say the word, girl." They don't like that dude one bit because it was an extremely painful experience for me. You know what, though? A lot of the journey, I sent my own damn self through it, because I didn't listen to my friends when they said things like, "Shellie, that's not normal" or "Shellie, he sounds emotionally immature as hell."
Listen, that whole "you and me against the world" hot take that so many people have? Experience and observation have taught me that it deserves plenty of side-eye when you're not married (and even after saying "I do", you should still take a bit of heed to what your folks bring to your attention). People who love you want what's best for you. Plus, because they aren't emotionally invested in the way that you are, they can see things that you probably don't even want to look at. If you've got one friend who is rolling their eyes at your situation, who TF cares? But if five or more are like, "Naw sis"—take heed to that. Everybody can't be wrong. Something is up and slowing down to process what "that" is could keep you from having a lot of regrets up the road.
6.“Intense” Is a Word That’s Used to Describe You Often
I'm a Gemini. If you know even a little bit about us, then you know that I know that I've got an intense side. That's how I knew to close out with this point. When you're intense in the bedroom, that's dope. When you're intense when it comes to how passionate you are about being down for someone, that can be a blessing too. However, if you're intense in the sense of being overly earnest or pushing everything to the extreme—that automatically makes you a pretty impatient and pushy individual, and who wants to be involved with that?
Just about all of us have words that are used to describe us. If your family members, friends, co-workers, and exes all use the word "intense" to define you, you might want to ask them to expound a little. Anyone who's extreme is oftentimes imbalanced and when you're imbalanced you tend to do things excessively in a way that overwhelms others while causing you to overthink to the point where you're rushing all of the time.
Everything has its pace and seasons. Relationships are no exception to this fact. Moving too fast usually leads to mistakes that could've been avoided if you just slowed down a bit. If you see yourself anywhere in this article, try chilling out a bit. After all, if it's right, there's no need for you to rush it. It'll happen at just the right…speed.
Featured image by Shutterstock
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."