

10 Things Husbands Wish Their Wives Truly Understood
It probably comes as no shock to you that one of the top causes of divorce is poor communication. Well, as someone who has sat in many counseling sessions with couples, I believe what it means to be a poor communicator truly runs the gamut—not listening, cutting one's partner off while they are talking, rolling eyes and sucking teeth (55 percent of communication is body language), passive aggressive "I'm fines" and, a real biggie, trying to make one's spouse be just like them. What I mean by that is, watching husbands try and make their wife think/act just like they do and watching wives do the same to their husband.
There's a wise man who once said that when two people are just alike, one of them is totally unnecessary. How this applies to marriage is this—the very differences of your spouse should be what inspires you, improves you and, most of all, balances you out. But if you spend—and by that, I mean waste—time trying to get them to be a carbon copy of yourself, not only is that a super arrogant approach to your relationship, it sets you up to miss some of the life lessons that they could teach you. Ones that will ultimately make you a better individual and life partner.
OK, so with that foundation in place, let me just say that if there was ever an article where "Don't shoot the messenger" applies, this one would have to be it. I say that because the following 10 things are what husbands have told me they think their wife totally misses when it comes to communicating with them and loving them, in general.
Things that, if perhaps more wives accepted them at face value, would make their marriage A LOT easier—in good times and in bad.
Video Games Aren’t (Always) as “Childish” as You Think
I've heard my fair share of wives complaining about how childish their husbands are for playing video games. OK, it's one thing for your man to do nothing but play them or to prefer to do that more than spending quality time with you. But if it's only a couple of times a week, it's best to just leave your man be.
I say that because I've had several husbands tell me that they use that time to process things—how to cover a bill, how to handle a problem at work, how to respond to a complaint from their wife. And while you might think that sounds semi-ridiculous, there are studies to support that playing video games actually does refine motor skills, increase one's memory and can improve one's overall quality of life.
All things in moderation of course, but still.
Refusing Their Initiation of Sex Goes Deeper Than You Think
Once upon a time, I was a teen mom director for the local division of a national non-profit organization. Because I dealt with pregnant adolescents, we talked about sex a lot. Sometimes, the girls would have me meet their boyfriends. Whenever the boys would talk about how important "hittin' it" was to them, the first thing I would say is, "Come here. You need a hug."
The world isn't kind to men—and by that, I'm specifically speaking of our Black men. Even as young people, there is oftentimes so much dysfunction and so little healthy affection in their lives that sex is where they go to get some sort of intimacy (whether they realize it or not).
A lot of grown men? If there's one place where they are totally vulnerable, it's in the bedroom. Sometimes, that's also where they go to feel loved, safe and physically close; especially when that person is their wife.
When a lot of husbands initiate sex and they get abruptly rejected—you know, "Ugh. Is sex all you think about?!" or the slapping away of the hand—sometimes, they don't just feel the sting of not gettin' any, they literally feel like they are totally unwanted as individuals.
This doesn't apply to all husbands, but it's worth asking yours, just to see if he can relate. If he can, try and be gentle in how you refuse sex. Do it the way you'd want him to do it to you if the shoe was on the other foot.
When They Say They Aren’t Thinking About Anything…They Mean It
One of my male friends, who's been married for well over two decades, constantly tells me that while men are physically stronger, women, by far, are more emotionally superior. "Some of the things that y'all can come up with as far as what we're thinking or doing, we are not complicated enough to do those things." And one of those things, for a lot of men, is overthinking—something that a lot of us are Olympians at doing.
If anything in this article topped the pet peeve list for men, a wife asking her husband what he's thinking, him saying nothing and her coming back at him like, "You must be thinking something" tops it. Pretty much every man I've interacted with have said that 9 times out of 10, when they say they are thinking about nothing, they mean it.
THEY. MEAN. IT.
They Are More Tone Sensitive Than Word Sensitive
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Again, I'm just the messenger, but did you know that there is scientific data to back up that men sometimes have a difficult time processing the tone of our voice; especially when we're upset? The actual sound waves and vibrations of our voice can make it difficult for them to make out what we're saying. That's because, in order to hear us, they have to use the part of the brain that processes music and that is more complex than the part of the brain that they use to process deeper voices (i.e., other men).
Ah. Now it makes (more) sense why they might ask us to repeat something or remind us in an argument that it's not what we say but how we say it. Their brain sometimes simply can't compute. (Deep.)
Your Husband Picked You to Be a Teammate
One of the husbands I admire most once gave me a compliment that is a favorite to this day—"Shellie, one thing that's gonna make you a good wife is you get the concept of partnership. You want to see the men in your life win."
Along these lines, if there's something that comes up in counseling sessions a lot, it's that many husbands feel like their wife does things to work against their goals, dreams and visions. They don't ask how they can help. They're not willing to use their gifts and talents to get things to the next level. Or, they simply won't give their husband the space and time to make certain plans happen.
When I work with engaged couples, one of the main things I ask is if they feel their life desires complement one another and if they are both willing to invest and make sacrifices to manifest those things. For a married couple who says "yes" and executes in this fashion, they are truly unstoppable!
They Really Wish You Would Keep Certain Things TOTALLY Private
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I get pushback on this one all of the time, but it's fine. Personally, when any of my besties get married, I immediately demote myself from "best friend" to "good friend." The reason why is because I respect what "best" means—"of the highest quality, excellence, or standing." I don't want to get in the way of someone seeing their spouse or valuing their relationship with them in this light.
You know what? Ask any couple who has a decade or more under their belt and I'm willing to be some good money that they'll tell you that it was their friendship that kept them together more than anything else; especially spouses who see themselves as being best friends.
And best friends? There are some things that ONLY they know about. And husbands? A lot of them wish their wives would bring that kind of loyalty into their marriage. They wish that some things weren't discussed with their wife's mom, sister or even closest friend. Especially without them knowing about it—beforehand.
Any wife that doesn't like this particular point, think how you would feel if your husband was talking to his dad, brother or close friend about some of your deepest secrets, feelings and intimate issues. Now do you get the reason for sensitivity? #exactly
Even Mama’s Boys Don’t Actually Want to Sleep with Their Mother
I know some mama's boys. Frankly, I'm curious what made their wives want to marry them because when it comes to the lack of emotional boundaries, compounded by the amount of unrealistic expectations that a lot of those kinds of men have, truly blow the mind.
But that's not what I'm talking about here. What I'm addressing is there is not any holistically healthy man who wants his wife to act like his mother—telling him what to do, calling all the shots, dictating his time away from you, etc. I get why a lot of us are this way. After all, our mothers are who taught us how to be women and they taught us that by mothering us.
Still, if you're noticing that your husband is working later and later, avoids confrontation more and more and desires to have sex less and less—think about if you're pulling the "mama card" a lot. If you are, pull back on that. Sex with one's mother isn't sexy. It's incest. And if he feels like you are acting like his mother…you get where I'm going with this.
They Heard You the First Time. They Move in Their Own Time.
Not wanting to be bossed around or nagged to death isn't gender specific. I'd venture to say that's something that gets on all of our nerves. Yet ladies, let's be honest (with ourselves)—a lot of us do it. On this point, I'll just tell you what a single male friend once told me about myself. "I don't know what makes you think that leaving me three voicemails about the exact same thing is going to make me move any faster. I heard you, but I have a methodology in how I do things."
When he first told me that, it kind of pissed me off, so I asked a couple of husbands if they felt it was cool. Not only did they think he made complete and total sense, they said they are the same way. One husband even said, "Whenever my wife asks me to do something around the house and she feels like she needs to say it 10 times, I feel patronized. It's not that I didn't hear her. It's that we have a different expectation of when it should be done. Her time is not right. My time is not wrong. It's only an issue when she feels otherwise."
Just some food for thought, y'all.
Many Take “Leave and Cleave” Literally and Seriously
I love me some Black men. I am intentional about marrying a Black man. But listen here, if there is one man who could change my mind, it's the Michael Landon version of Charles Ingalls (you know, from The Little House on the Prairie). He was so fine and masculine that I even have a T-shirt with him on it!
Anyway, I bring him and his wife Caroline up in counseling quite a bit. One of the things that I'll sometimes say is, "You wanna know a part of the reason why a lot of couples back then stayed together? They got married and, due to distance and lack of funds, they never saw their parents again; this means that their parents stayed out of their business."
I have a husband friend who is currently outdone with his wife because there was something that she wanted (that cost thousands of dollars, by the way) that he didn't agree with. Since he wasn't feelin' it, she went and asked her parents to get it for her. To me, not only did this lean on the side of low down but also selfish. She's in her 40s, her parents are only getting older and I'm pretty sure that money could've gone to better things (like retirement). I also don't get why her parents didn't say, "If your husband is not on board, that's something you need to work out with him."
There is nothing attractive (or even helpful really) about having a husband while still clinging to daddy. Ask any husband you know and he'll back me up on that.
Respect Means More Than Love. Peace Means More Than Beauty.
The Bible tells wives to respect their husbands (Ephesians 5:33). The Amplified Version of I Peter 3:2 tells wives how to do it. There's also a really great book that backs Scripture up entitled Love & Respect: The Love She Most Desires; The Respect He Desperately Needs. One of the points the book makes is, if wives want their husbands to feel loved, respecting them is how to do it.
Whenever a wife rolls her eyes at me on this, it's pretty baffling because, at the end of the day, respect is simply esteeming someone's worth and value and granting them (and only them) certain privileges (like sexual fidelity). What's the big deal about either one of those?
As far as the beauty vs. peace thing, a husband once said something to me that was profound and hilarious at the same time—"Have you ever wondered why some really handsome men have a wife who is like a creature from Jurassic Park? A man prefers 'ugly peace' over 'pretty loud' any day."
Get mad if you want to, but I recently checked out a comedy skit that totally co-signs on what he said. When the woman asked her man what he needed from her, his immediate response was, "loyalty, honesty and just be my peace." She was the exact opposite of those things and it drove him insane.
It all reminds me of what an ex once said, "Men look to their woman to be their sanctuary." A sanctuary is a place of refuge. It's not about not having an opinion or perspective. It's about knowing that you have the power to determine how the energy feels within your household. And, to many men, a woman who relishes in peace and tranquility is far more beautiful than any dime piece Coke bottle.
Ask any husband. I'll bet a billion dollars that he shakes his head from left-to-right for at least 90 seconds in approval while thinking, "She gets it. She really and truly gets it!"
Ask any husband. I'll bet a billion dollars that he shakes his head from left-to-right for at least 90 seconds in approval while thinking, "She gets it. She really and truly gets it!"
Featured image by Getty Images.
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After being a regular contributor for about four years and being (eh hem) MIA in 2022, Shellie is back penning for the platform (did you miss her? LOL).
In some ways, nothing has changed and in others, everything has. For now, she'll just say that she's working on the 20th anniversary edition of her first book, she's in school to take life coaching to another level and she's putting together a platform that supports and encourages Black men because she loves them from head to toe.
Other than that, she still works with couples, she's still a doula, she's still not on social media and her email contact (missnosipho@gmail.com) still hasn't changed (neither has her request to contact her ONLY for personal reasons; pitch to the platform if you have story ideas).
Life is a funny thing but if you stay calm, moments can come full circle and this is one of them. No doubt about it.
Amber Riley has the type of laugh that sticks with you long after the raspy, rhythmic sounds have ceased. It punctuates her sentences sometimes, whether she’s giving a chuckle to denote the serious nature of something she just said or throwing her head back in rip-roarious laughter after a joke. She laughs as if she understands the fragility of each minute. She chooses laughter often with the understanding that future joy is not guaranteed.
Credit: Ally Green
The sound of her laughter is rivaled only by her singing voice, an emblem of the past and the future resilience of Black women stretched over a few octaves. On Fox’s Glee, her character Mercedes Jones was portrayed, perhaps unfairly, as the vocal duel to Rachel Berry (Lea Michele), offering rough, full-throated belts behind her co-star’s smooth, pristine vocals. Riley’s always been more than the singer who could deliver a finishing note, though.
Portraying Effie White, she displayed the dynamic emotions of a song such as “And I'm Telling You I'm Not Going” in Dreamgirls on London’s West End without buckling under the historic weight of her predecessors. With her instrument, John Mayer’s “Gravity” became a religious experience, a belted hymnal full of growls and churchy riffs. In her voice, Nicole Scherzinger once said she heard “the power of God.”
Credit: Ally Green
Riley’s voice has been a staple throughout pop culture for nearly 15 years now. Her tone has become so distinguishable that most viewers of Fox’s The Masked Singer recognized the multihyphenate even before it was revealed that she was Harp, the competition-winning, gold-masked figure with an actual harp strapped to her back.
Still, it wasn’t until recently that Riley began to feel like she’d found her voice. This sounds unbelievable. But she’s not referring to the one she uses on stage. She’s referencing the voice that speaks to who she is at her core. “Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind,” the 37-year-old says. “It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women. I got so comfortable in [doing so], and I really want other people, especially Black women, to get more comfortable in that space.”
“Therapy kind of gave me the training to speak my mind. It’s not something we’re taught, especially as Black women."
If you ask Riley’s manager, Myisha Brooks, she’ll tell you the foundation of who the multihyphenate is hasn’t changed much since she was a kid growing up in Compton. “She is who she is from when I met her back when she was singing in the front of the church to back when she landed major roles in film and TV,” Brooks says. Time has allowed Riley to grow more comfortable, giving fans a more intimate glimpse into her life, including her mental health journey and the ins and outs of show business.
The actress/singer has been in therapy since 2019, although she suffered from depression and anxiety way before that. In a recent interview with Jason Lee, she recalls having suicidal ideation as a kid. By the time she started seeing a psychologist and taking antidepressants in her thirties, her body had become jittery, a physical reminder of the trauma stacked high inside her. “I was shaking in [my therapist’s] office,” she tells xoNecole. “My fight or flight was on such a high level. I was constantly in survival mode. My heart was beating fast all the time. All I did was sweat.”
There wasn’t just childhood trauma to account for. After auditioning for American Idol and being turned away by producers, Riley began working for Ikea and nearly missed her Glee audition because her car broke down on the highway while en route. Thankfully, Riley had been cast to play Mercedes Jones. American Idol had temporarily convinced her she wasn’t cut out for the entertainment industry, but this was validation that she was right where she belonged. Glee launched in 2009 with the promise of becoming Riley’s big break.
In some ways, it was. The show introduced Riley to millions of fans and catapulted her into major Hollywood circles. But in other ways, it became a reminder of the types of roles Black women, especially those who are plus-sized, are relegated to. Behind the scenes, Riley says she fought for her character "to have a voice" but eventually realized her efforts were useless. "It finally got to a point where I was like, this is not my moment. I'm not who they're choosing, and this is just going to have to be a job for me for now," she says. "And, that's okay because it pays my bills, I still get to be on television, I'm doing more than any other Black plus-sized women that I'm seeing right now on screen."
The actress can recognize now that she was navigating issues associated with trauma and low self-esteem at the time. She now knows that she's long had anxiety and depression and can recognize the ways in which she was triggered by how the cult-like following of the show conflicted with her individual, isolated experiences behind the scenes. But she was in her early '20s back then. She didn't yet have the language or the tools to process how she was feeling.
Riley says she eventually sought out medical intervention. "When you're in Hollywood, and you go to a doctor, they give you pills," she says, sharing a part of her story that she'd never revealed publicly before now. "[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that's not fixing my problem. If anything, it's making it worse."
“[I was] on medication and developing a habit of medicating to numb, not understanding I was developing an addiction to something that’s not fixing my problem. If anything it’s making it worse.”
Credit: Ally Green
At one point, while in her dressing room on set, she rested her arm on a curling iron without realizing it. It wasn't until her makeup artist alerted her that she even realized her skin was burning. Once she noticed, she says she was "so zonked out on pills" that she barely reacted. Speaking today, she holds up her arm and motions towards a scar that remains from the incident. She sought help for her reliance on the pills, but it would still be years before she finally attended therapy.
This stress was only compounded by the trauma of growing up in poverty and the realities of being a "contract worker." "Imagine going from literally one week having to borrow a car to get to set to the next week being on a private jet to New York City," she says. After Glee ended, so did the rides on private planes. The fury of opportunities she expected to follow her appearance on the show failed to materialize. She wasn't even 30 yet, and she was already forced to consider if she'd hit her career peak.
. . .
We’re only four minutes into our Zoom call before Riley delivers her new adage to me. “My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway,” she says.
On this Thursday afternoon in April, the LA-based entertainer is seated inside her closet/dressing room wearing a cerulean blue tank top with matching shorts and eating hot wings. This current phase of healing hinges on balance. It’s about having discipline and consistency, but not at the risk of inflexibility. She was planning to head to the gym, for instance, but she’s still tired from the “exhausting” day before. Instead, she’s spent her day receiving a massage, eating some chicken wings, and planning to spend quality time with friends. “I’m not going to beat myself up for it. I’m not going to talk down to myself. I’m going to eat my chicken wings, and then tomorrow I’m [back] in the gym,” she says.
“My new mantra is ‘humility does not serve me.’ Humility does not serve Black women. The world works so hard to humble us anyway."
This is the balance with which she's been approaching much of her life these days. It's why she's worried less about whether or not people see her as someone who is humble. She'd rather be respected. "I think you should be a person that's easy to work with, but in the moments where I have to ruffle feathers and make waves, I'm not shying away from that anymore. You can do it in love, you don't have to be nasty about it, but I had to finally be comfortable with the fact that setting boundaries around my life – in whatever aspect, whether that's personal or business – people are not going to like it. Some people are not going to have nice things to say about you, and you gotta be okay with it," she says.
When Amber talks about the constant humbling of Black women in Hollywood, I think of the entertainers before her who have suffered from this. The brilliant, consistent, overqualified Black women who have spoken of having to fight for opportunities and fair pay. Aretha Franklin. Viola Davis. Tracee Ellis Ross. There's a long list of stars whose success hasn't mirrored their experiences behind the scenes.
Credit: Ally Green
If Black women outside of Hollywood are struggling to decrease the pay gap, so, too, are their wealthier, more famous peers.
Riley says there’s been progress in recent years, but only in small ways and for a limited group of people. “This business is exhausting. The goalpost is constantly moving, and sometimes it’s unfair,” she says. But, I have to say it’s the love that keeps you going.”
“There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman,” she continues. “We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
"There’s no way you can continue to be in this business and not love it, especially being a plus-sized Black woman. We’re still niche. We’re still not main characters.”
Last year, Riley starred alongside Raven Goodwin in the Lifetime thriller Single Black Female (a modern, diversified take on 1992’s Single White Female). It was more than a leading role for the actress, it also served as proof that someone who looks like her can front a successful project without it hinging on her identity. It showcased that the characters she portrays don’t “have to be about being a big girl. It can just be a regular story.”
Riley sees her work in music as an extension of her efforts to push past the rigid stereotypes in entertainment. Take her appearance on The Masked Singer, for instance. Riley said she decided to perform Mayer’s “Gravity” after being told she couldn’t sing it years earlier. “I wanted to do ‘Gravity’ on Glee. [I] was told no, because that’s not a song that Mercedes would do,” she says. “That was a full circle moment for me, doing that on that show and to hear what it is they had to say.”
As Scherzinger praised the “anointed” performance, a masked Riley began to cry, her chest heaving as she stood on stage, her eyes shielded from view. “You have to understand, I have really big names – casting directors, producers, show creators – that constantly tell me ‘I’m such a big fan. Your talent is unmatched.’ Hire me, then,” she says, reflecting on the moment.
Recently, she’s been in the studio working on original music, the follow-up to her independently-released debut EP, 2020’s Riley. The sequel to songs such as the anthemic “Big Girl Energy” and the reflective ballad “A Moment” on Riley, this new project hones in on the singer’s R&B roots with sensual grooves such as the tentatively titled “All Night.” “You said I wasn’t shit, turns out that I’m the shit. Then you called me a bitch, turns out that I’m that bitch. You said no one would want me, well you should call your homies,” she sings on the tentatively titled “Lately,” a cut about reflecting on a past relationship. From the forthcoming project, xoNecole received five potential tracks. Fans likely already know the strengths and contours of Riley’s vocals, but these new songs are her strongest, most confident offerings as an artist.
“I am so much more comfortable as a writer, and I know who I am as an artist now. I’m evolving as a human being, in general, so I’m way more vulnerable in my music. I’m way more willing to talk about whatever is on my mind. I don’t stop myself from saying what it is I want to say,” she says.
Credit: Ally Green
“Every era and alliteration of Amber, the baseline is ‘Big Girl Energy.’ That’s the name of her company,” her manager Brooks says, referencing the imprint through which Riley releases her music after getting out of a label deal several years ago. “It’s just what she stands for. She’s not just talking about size, it’s in all things. Whether it’s putting your big girl pants on and having to face a boardroom full of executives or sell yourself in front of a casting agent. It’s her trying to achieve the things she wants to do in life.”
Riley says she has big dreams beyond releasing this new music, too. She’d love to star in a rom-com with Winston Duke. She hasn't starred in a biopic yet, but she’d revel in the opportunity to portray Rosetta Tharpe on screen. She’s determined that her previous setbacks won’t stop her from dreaming big.
“I think one of my superpowers is resilience because, at the end of the day, I’m going to kick, scream, cry, cuss, be mad and disappointed, but I’m going to get up and risk having to deal with it all again. It’s worth it for the happy moments,” she says.
If Riley seems more comfortable and confident professionally, it’s because of the work she’s been doing in her personal life.
She’d previously spoken to xoNecole about becoming engaged to a man she discovered in a post on the site, but she called things off last year. For Valentine’s Day, she revealed her new boyfriend publicly. “I decided to post him on Valentine’s Day, partially because I was in the dog house. I got in trouble with him,” she says, half-joking before turning serious. “The breakup was never going to stop me from finding love. Or at least trying. I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness, and you enjoy it and work through it.”
Credit: Ally Green
"I don’t owe anybody a happily ever after. People break up. It happens. When it was good, it was good. When it was bad, it was terrible, hunny. I had to get the fuck up out of there. You find happiness and you enjoy it and work through it.”
With her ex, Riley was pretty outspoken about her relationship, even appearing in content for Netflix with him. This time around is different. She’s not hiding her boyfriend of eight months, but she’s more protective of him, especially because he’s a father and isn’t interested in becoming a public figure.
She’s traveling more, too. It’s a deliberate effort on her part to enjoy her money and reject the trauma she’s developed after experiencing poverty in her childhood. “I live in constant fear of being broke. I don’t think you ever don’t remember that trauma or move past that. Now I travel and I’m like, listen, if it goes, it goes. I’m not saying [to] be reckless, but I deserve to enjoy my hard work.”
After everything she’s been through, she certainly deserves to finally let loose a bit. “I have to have a life to live,” she says. “I’ve got to have a life worth fighting for.”
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How To Navigate Group Travel With Your Friends While Maintaining Your Autonomy
I come to you fresh off of a vacation that I used my tax refund to pay for, delieverdt! I am advocating for you to consider group travel to get the most bang for your buck. Often, traveling with a group is way more budget-friendly to split high-end accommodations rather than to pay for a hotel for one person (when solo traveling). And if you didn't know, rooming in a vacation home as opposed to a hotel room affords you the luxury of more privacy with features like a private pool, a whole kitchen, the ability to have your own room in a house, etc.
Yes, after watching a few reality TV episodes with people being bunched into a beautiful home only to start shaking tables and throwing drinks, it's tempting to let your imagination run wild with all of the negative scenarios that could play out when you travel with friends. I know mines did! However, with a little maturity and self-awareness and making an investment into having more effective communication skills when it comes to the hard stuff, I respectfully suggest that if you are reading this: You don’t really have a problem with group travel, you need to learn how to navigate traveling in a group setting.
Below are some tips I applied to my recent trip to maintain my autonomy while traveling with friends:
Set your personal intentions on why you are attending before agreeing.
The best way to enjoy group travel is to set one's intentions before going. Get your “why” defined because it's super important! Though you may have been invited to celebrate a friend's birthday or another occasion, I think it’s imperative to pair why you're coming to show support for another person with finding ways to take actions that will also benefit you. Unless you are one of the lucky ones getting an all-expense paid trip to celebrate with your friend, you are under no obligation to stick around your travel group every waking moment.
So let's explore your other intentions for saying yes to the trip. Is it to try some local cuisine, an excursion that you haven't participated in, or get into photography? Set that intention and stick to it because you deserve to feel fulfilled by the trip you're going on after spending your hard-earned money and PTO.
Courtesy of Zaniah B
Manage your trip mates' expectations by setting boundaries before the trip.
Effective communication is a major key; this is your chance to give the trip organizer a fair warning of what you are and are not interested in doing before they feel blindsided on the trip. For example, if you know you don't feel like ziplining this time around, let the group know ahead of time to manage the expectations of everyone being together on the trip, and this also creates an opportunity for some alone time.
And while you set your boundaries, make sure you are also planning time together with the group too! Meal time is a great way to regroup throughout the day to check in and allow yourself to say “yes” to an unexpected invitation to do something spontaneous with your girls! Give yourself just as much time to be with your group as you spend away from them. Balance is another major key!
Courtesy of Zaniah B
Be prepared to give grace.
No matter how great the personalities are, there are some moments when everyone won't mesh too well with each other. It's not personal, and it doesn't have to ruin a person’s trip. We are all imperfect human beings, and traveling can bring an additional level of stress you wouldn't have encountered in a more casual setting like brunch. This makes it easier for miscommunications and misunderstandings to happen. Practice as much empathy as possible, listen more than you speak, and work on responding and not reacting.
There are so many factors at play, like alcohol consumption and being forced out of one's comfort zone in many ways that can amplify situations that you would otherwise be able to smooth over. Most importantly, give yourself grace too! I personally use group travel to improve my ability to connect and co-exist with people whom I may have never considered having much in common. It helps me brush the chip that I have on my shoulder of being “ different” by exposing how random women have more in common than not.
Group travel recharges me through the mutual compliments, shared experiences, and bonding that occurs with women on these trips. The seriousness of adulting can be isolating, and planning an independent getaway can be a daunting task; a girls' trip may just be just what you need.
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