What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex
As a marriage life coach and avid relationships reader, I think that some of the biggest mistakes we as women can (sometimes) make is 1) assuming what a man is thinking; 2) speaking for him or 3) generalizing men as a whole.
Take their views on sex, for example. Several weeks ago, Joe Budden received a fair share of social media attention for "turning down" his lady (and the mother of his one-year-old son), Cyn Santana, on the premiere episode of LHHNY: Comeback Season. If you watched it and thought that he was playing up the dramatics for the show, think again. He took not wanting to have sex a step further by doing on a phone interview on The Breakfast Club and saying — and I quote — "If I never had sex again, I'd be OK."
It sounded a little odd but that's what I like about Joe. He's an odd cat and a bit of a wild card. But then it got a little more interesting when Charlamagne Tha God (who's married) responded by casually saying, "I get it. I haven't had sex in months." In fact, the only man to seem excited about sex was DJ Envy (who is also married). He said, "I try and make it at least three a week, minimum."
Hmm. Two men who have been very open about their high libidos in the past are now in committed relationships and seemingly "good" on sex. I know. Some of y'all will probably want to naturally assume they're cheating, but I didn't get that vibe. If anything, Joe and Charlamagne simply seemed busy…and tired (kinda like what Ray J does these days when he talks about sex life after marriage; he and Charlamagne make an interesting point at the 11:25 mark here).
Here's the problem with this. Contrary to what some might believe, there are a ton of women out here who not only have strong sex drives but ones that literally run laps around their man's (check out "Why Women Need Twice as Much Sex as Men" and "Turns Out Women Have Really, Really Strong Sex Drives: Can Men Handle It?"). I've counseled my fair share of wives who can certainly vouch for this. Over half have told me that it's oftentimes their husbands who "have a headache," not them.
So, in the effort to allow other men to speak for themselves, I decided to ask five husbands that I personally know who were once seriously out here in these streets as single men about how their libido has shifted since marriage. For better or worse, their answers just may surprise you.
*(Oh, and so they can remain happily married, their names have been changed.)
*Michael—mid 20s and married for three years.
" Married sex was like culture shock for me. When I was a single man, sex was so recreational that I didn't even think about how much my drive or even my performance would affect my partner. Now that I'm married, since my wife has such a high drive, it's not just about giving her some; it's about making sure it's just the way she wants it. Married sex has taught me how selfish I was when I was single."
*James—early 30s and married for seven years.
"I think some women feel that so long as they look good and are good in bed, we'll be sexually attracted, no matter what. Don't believe that. If there's no harmony and peace, we can instantly be unattracted, especially as we get older. I can't relate to Joe in not ever wanting to have sex again, but I will say that if there's a lot of drama going on, I'd rather jack off and get eight hours of sleep than try and have sex with my wife. Drama-free sex is the best kind of sex."
"Drama-free sex is the best kind of sex."
*Rick—early 40s and married for close to a decade.
"When you're young, your testosterone levels are going through the roof. It's almost like you're starving for sex. Now that I'm married, I don't want it quite as much as I used to. But, at the same time, I'm getting it more consistently than I ever have. Also, my wife is getting closer to 40 and it's evident that she's hitting her sexual peak. Sometimes it can be a challenge finding a balance, but I'll tell you what — you couldn't pay me enough money to be back out there again. Single sex is usually very one-dimensional. Married sex is so broad. It's incomparable."
*Alex—mid 40s and married close to 20 years.
"When you're younger, all you think about is how hard your d*ck is and what you should do about it. You can have sex with a girl you don't even like with no problem. As a man gets older, it's not about your d*ck telling you what to do, it's about [what] you tell it to do. That starts to make sex more psychological. So, if there is stress in the relationship, it can make us less interested in sex. Sometimes women think that if a man isn't having sex, he's cheating, when really it's that there's so much more to focus on —making money, paying bills, raising kids — that if I'm emotionally turned off, I just put that energy somewhere else. For me, it's making money."
*Charles—late 40s and married five years.
"When I was single, gettin' some was more like a challenge. Now that I'm married, it's a responsibility. It's not just about me or when I'm in the mood for it. It's about genuinely caring about the wants and needs of my partner too. We've had moments when we've gone weeks without having sex, but I don't think that's a red flag unless it goes into months of that. Like anything in life, even sex has peaks and valleys. When we have it, it's good…really good. When we don't, I'm good. The comfort of knowing I'm with the woman I want makes me less anxious sexually."
"When I was single, gettin' some was more like a challenge. Now that I'm married, it's a responsibility."
Ah. So, Joe Budden isn't as odd as I thought; at least, not when it comes to this particular topic. Now that we've heard from eight different men on what their libidos are like after marriage, seems to me that men aren't all about sex like the media wants us to think. That if they're not gettin' it in every day with their wife, that doesn't mean they're doin' it and doin' it well with someone else.
Like everything in life, their libidos simply mature and evolve.
Featured image by Getty Images.
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Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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You've Never Seen Luke James In A Role Quite Like This
Over the years, we've watched Luke James play countless characters we'd deem sex symbols, movie stars, and even his complicated character in Lena Waithe's The Chi. For the first time in his career, the New Orleans-born actor has taken on a role where his signature good looks take a backseat as he transforms into Edmund in Them: The Scare—a mentally deranged character in the second installment of the horror anthology series that you won't be able to take your eyes off.
Trust us, Edmund will literally make you do a double take.
xoNecole sat down with Luke James to talk about his latest series and all the complexity surrounding it—from the challenges taking on this out-of-the-box role to the show's depiction of the perplexing history of the relationship between Black Americans and police. When describing the opportunity to bring Edmund's character to life, Luke was overjoyed to show the audience yet another level of his masterful acting talents.
"It was like bathing in the sun," he said. "I was like, thank you! Another opportunity for me to be great—for me to expand my territory. I'm just elated to be a part of it and to see myself in a different light, something I didn't think I could do." He continued, "There are parts of you that says, 'Go for it because this is what you do.' But then also that's why it's a challenge because you're like, 'um, I don't know if I'm as free as I need to be to be able to do this.' Little Marvin just created such a safe space for me to be able to do this, and I'm grateful for everything I've been able to do to lead to this."
Courtesy
Them: The Scare, like the first season, shines a light on the plight of Black Americans in the United States. This time, the story is taking place in the 1990s, at the height of the Rodney King riots in Los Angeles. While the series presents many underlying themes, one that stands out is Black people and the complicated relationship with the police. "For the audience, I think it sets the tone for the era that we're in and the amount of chaos that's in the air in Los Angeles and around the country from this heinous incident. And I say it just sets the tone of the anxiety and anxiousness that everybody is feeling in their own households."
James has been a longtime advocate against police brutality himself. He has even featured Elijah McClain, the 23-year-old Colorado man who died after being forcibly detained by officers, as his Instagram avatar for the past five years. So, as you can imagine, this script was close to his heart. "Elijah was a soft-loving oddball. Different than anyone but loving and a musical genius. He was just open and wanted to be loved and seen."
Getty Images
Luke continued, "His life was taken from him. I resonate with his spirit and his words...through all the struggle and the pain he still found it in him to say, 'I love you and I forgive you.' And that's who we are as people—to our own detriment sometimes. He's someone I don't want people to forget. I have yet to remove his face from my world because I have yet to let go of his voice, let go of that being [because] there's so many people we have lost in our history that so often get forgotten."
He concluded, "I think that's the importance of such artwork that moves us to think and talk about it. Yes, it's entertaining. We get to come together and be spooked together. But then we come together and we think, 'Damn, Edmund needed someone to talk to. Edmund needed help... a lot [of] things could have been different. Edmund could have been saved.'
Check out the full interview below.
Luke James Talks Ditching Sex Symbol Status For "Them: The Scare", Elijah McClain, & Morewww.youtube.com
Featured image by Getty Images