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What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex

Five brave men share how sex as a husband is very different than sex as a bachelor.

Sex

As a marriage life coach and avid relationships reader, I think that some of the biggest mistakes we as women can (sometimes) make is 1) assuming what a man is thinking; 2) speaking for him or 3) generalizing men as a whole.


Take their views on sex, for example. Several weeks ago, Joe Budden received a fair share of social media attention for "turning down" his lady (and the mother of his one-year-old son), Cyn Santana, on the premiere episode of LHHNY: Comeback Season. If you watched it and thought that he was playing up the dramatics for the show, think again. He took not wanting to have sex a step further by doing on a phone interview on The Breakfast Club and saying — and I quote — "If I never had sex again, I'd be OK."

It sounded a little odd but that's what I like about Joe. He's an odd cat and a bit of a wild card. But then it got a little more interesting when Charlamagne Tha God (who's married) responded by casually saying, "I get it. I haven't had sex in months." In fact, the only man to seem excited about sex was DJ Envy (who is also married). He said, "I try and make it at least three a week, minimum."

Hmm. Two men who have been very open about their high libidos in the past are now in committed relationships and seemingly "good" on sex. I know. Some of y'all will probably want to naturally assume they're cheating, but I didn't get that vibe. If anything, Joe and Charlamagne simply seemed busy…and tired (kinda like what Ray J does these days when he talks about sex life after marriage; he and Charlamagne make an interesting point at the 11:25 mark here).

Here's the problem with this. Contrary to what some might believe, there are a ton of women out here who not only have strong sex drives but ones that literally run laps around their man's (check out "Why Women Need Twice as Much Sex as Men" and "Turns Out Women Have Really, Really Strong Sex Drives: Can Men Handle It?"). I've counseled my fair share of wives who can certainly vouch for this. Over half have told me that it's oftentimes their husbands who "have a headache," not them.

So, in the effort to allow other men to speak for themselves, I decided to ask five husbands that I personally know who were once seriously out here in these streets as single men about how their libido has shifted since marriage. For better or worse, their answers just may surprise you.

*(Oh, and so they can remain happily married, their names have been changed.)

*Michael—mid 20s and married for three years.

"Married sex was like culture shock for me. When I was a single man, sex was so recreational that I didn't even think about how much my drive or even my performance would affect my partner. Now that I'm married, since my wife has such a high drive, it's not just about giving her some; it's about making sure it's just the way she wants it. Married sex has taught me how selfish I was when I was single."

*James—early 30s and married for seven years.

"I think some women feel that so long as they look good and are good in bed, we'll be sexually attracted, no matter what. Don't believe that. If there's no harmony and peace, we can instantly be unattracted, especially as we get older. I can't relate to Joe in not ever wanting to have sex again, but I will say that if there's a lot of drama going on, I'd rather jack off and get eight hours of sleep than try and have sex with my wife. Drama-free sex is the best kind of sex."

"Drama-free sex is the best kind of sex."

*Rick—early 40s and married for close to a decade.

"When you're young, your testosterone levels are going through the roof. It's almost like you're starving for sex. Now that I'm married, I don't want it quite as much as I used to. But, at the same time, I'm getting it more consistently than I ever have. Also, my wife is getting closer to 40 and it's evident that she's hitting her sexual peak. Sometimes it can be a challenge finding a balance, but I'll tell you what — you couldn't pay me enough money to be back out there again. Single sex is usually very one-dimensional. Married sex is so broad. It's incomparable."

*Alex—mid 40s and married close to 20 years.

"When you're younger, all you think about is how hard your d*ck is and what you should do about it. You can have sex with a girl you don't even like with no problem. As a man gets older, it's not about your d*ck telling you what to do, it's about [what] you tell it to do. That starts to make sex more psychological. So, if there is stress in the relationship, it can make us less interested in sex. Sometimes women think that if a man isn't having sex, he's cheating, when really it's that there's so much more to focus on —making money, paying bills, raising kids — that if I'm emotionally turned off, I just put that energy somewhere else. For me, it's making money."

*Charles—late 40s and married five years.

"When I was single, gettin' some was more like a challenge. Now that I'm married, it's a responsibility. It's not just about me or when I'm in the mood for it. It's about genuinely caring about the wants and needs of my partner too. We've had moments when we've gone weeks without having sex, but I don't think that's a red flag unless it goes into months of that. Like anything in life, even sex has peaks and valleys. When we have it, it's good…really good. When we don't, I'm good. The comfort of knowing I'm with the woman I want makes me less anxious sexually."

"When I was single, gettin' some was more like a challenge. Now that I'm married, it's a responsibility."

Ah. So, Joe Budden isn't as odd as I thought; at least, not when it comes to this particular topic. Now that we've heard from eight different men on what their libidos are like after marriage, seems to me that men aren't all about sex like the media wants us to think. That if they're not gettin' it in every day with their wife, that doesn't mean they're doin' it and doin' it well with someone else.

Like everything in life, their libidos simply mature and evolve.

Featured image by Getty Images.

ACLU By ACLUSponsored

Over the past four years, we grew accustomed to a regular barrage of blatant, segregationist-style racism from the White House. Donald Trump tweeted that “the Squad," four Democratic Congresswomen who are Black, Latinx, and South Asian, should “go back" to the “corrupt" countries they came from; that same year, he called Elizabeth Warren “Pocahontas," mocking her belief that she might be descended from Native American ancestors.

But as outrageous as the racist comments Trump regularly spewed were, the racially unjust governmental actions his administration took and, in the case of COVID-19, didn't take, impacted millions more — especially Black and Brown people.

To begin to heal and move toward real racial justice, we must address not only the harms of the past four years, but also the harms tracing back to this country's origins. Racism has played an active role in the creation of our systems of education, health care, ownership, and employment, and virtually every other facet of life since this nation's founding.

Our history has shown us that it's not enough to take racist policies off the books if we are going to achieve true justice. Those past policies have structured our society and created deeply-rooted patterns and practices that can only be disrupted and reformed with new policies of similar strength and efficacy. In short, a systemic problem requires a systemic solution. To combat systemic racism, we must pursue systemic equality.

What is Systemic Racism?

A system is a collection of elements that are organized for a common purpose. Racism in America is a system that combines economic, political, and social components. That system specifically disempowers and disenfranchises Black people, while maintaining and expanding implicit and explicit advantages for white people, leading to better opportunities in jobs, education, and housing, and discrimination in the criminal legal system. For example, the country's voting systems empower white voters at the expense of voters of color, resulting in an unequal system of governance in which those communities have little voice and representation, even in policies that directly impact them.

Systemic Equality is a Systemic Solution

In the years ahead, the ACLU will pursue administrative and legislative campaigns targeting the Biden-Harris administration and Congress. We will leverage legal advocacy to dismantle systemic barriers, and will work with our affiliates to change policies nearer to the communities most harmed by these legacies. The goal is to build a nation where every person can achieve their highest potential, unhampered by structural and institutional racism.

To begin, in 2021, we believe the Biden administration and Congress should take the following crucial steps to advance systemic equality:

Voting Rights

The administration must issue an executive order creating a Justice Department lead staff position on voting rights violations in every U.S. Attorney office. We are seeing a flood of unlawful restrictions on voting across the country, and at every level of state and local government. This nationwide problem requires nationwide investigatory and enforcement resources. Even if it requires new training and approval protocols, a new voting rights enforcement program with the participation of all 93 U.S. Attorney offices is the best way to help ensure nationwide enforcement of voting rights laws.

These assistant U.S. attorneys should begin by ensuring that every American in the custody of the Bureau of Prisons who is eligible to vote can vote, and monitor the Census and redistricting process to fight the dilution of voting power in communities of color.

We are also calling on Congress to pass the John Lewis Voting Rights Advancement Act to finally create a fair and equal national voting system, the cause for which John Lewis devoted his life.

Student Debt

Black borrowers pay more than other students for the same degrees, and graduate with an average of $7,400 more in debt than their white peers. In the years following graduation, the debt gap more than triples. Nearly half of Black borrowers will default within 12 years. In other words, for Black Americans, the American dream costs more. Last week, Majority Leader Chuck Schumer and Sen. Elizabeth Warren, along with House Reps. Ayanna Pressley, Maxine Waters, and others, called on President Biden to cancel up to $50,000 in federal student loan debt per borrower.

We couldn't agree more. By forgiving $50,000 of student debt, President Biden can unleash pent up economic potential in Black communities, while relieving them of a burden that forestalls so many hopes and dreams. Black women in particular will benefit from this executive action, as they are proportionately the most indebted group of all Americans.

Postal Banking

In both low and high income majority-Black communities, traditional bank branches are 50 percent more likely to close than in white communities. The result is that nearly 50 percent of Black Americans are unbanked or underbanked, and many pay more than $2,000 in fees associated with subprime financial institutions. Over their lifetime, those fees can add up to as much as two years of annual income for the average Black family.

The U.S. Postal Service can and should meet this crisis by providing competitive, low-cost financial services to help advance economic equality. We call on President Biden to appoint new members to the Postal Board of Governors so that the Post Office can do the work of providing essential services to every American.

Fair Housing

Across the country, millions of people are living in communities of concentrated poverty, including 26 percent of all Black children. The Biden administration should again implement the 2015 Affirmatively Furthering Fair Housing rule, which required localities that receive federal funds for housing to investigate and address barriers to fair housing and patterns or practices that promote bias. In 1980, the average Black person lived in a neighborhood that was 62 percent Black and 31 percent white. By 2010, the average Black person's neighborhood was 48 percent Black and 34 percent white. Reinstating the Obama-era Fair Housing Rule will combat this ongoing segregation and set us on a path to true integration.

Congress should also pass the American Housing and Economic Mobility Act, or a similar measure, to finally redress the legacy of redlining and break down the walls of segregation once and for all.

Broadband Access

To realize broadband's potential to benefit our democracy and connect us to one another, all people in the United States must have equal access and broadband must be made affordable for the most vulnerable. Yet today, 15 percent of American households with school-age children do not have subscriptions to any form of broadband, including one-quarter of Black households (an additional 23 percent of African Americans are “smartphone-only" internet users, meaning they lack traditional home broadband service but do own a smartphone, which is insufficient to attend class, do homework, or apply for a job). The Biden administration, Federal Communications Commission, and Congress must develop and implement plans to increase funding for broadband to expand universal access.

Enhanced, Refundable Child Tax Credits

The United States faces a crisis of child poverty. Seventeen percent of all American children are impoverished — a rate higher than not just peer nations like Canada and the U.K., but Mexico and Russia as well. Currently, more than 50 percent of Black and Latinx children in the U.S. do not qualify for the full benefit, compared to 23 percent of white children, and nearly one in five Black children do not receive any credit at all.

To combat this crisis, President Biden and Congress should enhance the child tax credit and make it fully refundable. If we enhance the child tax credit, we can cut child poverty by 40 percent and instantly lift over 50 percent of Black children out of poverty.

Reparations

We cannot repair harms that we have not fully diagnosed. We must commit to a thorough examination of the impact of the legacy of chattel slavery on racial inequality today. In 2021, Congress must pass H.R. 40, which would establish a commission to study reparations and make recommendations for Black Americans.

The Long View

For the past century, the ACLU has fought for racial justice in legislatures and in courts, including through several landmark Supreme Court cases. While the court has not always ruled in favor of racial justice, incremental wins throughout history have helped to chip away at different forms of racism such as school segregation ( Brown v. Board), racial bias in the criminal legal system (Powell v. Alabama, i.e. the Scottsboro Boys), and marriage inequality (Loving v. Virginia). While these landmark victories initiated necessary reforms, they were only a starting point.

Systemic racism continues to pervade the lives of Black people through voter suppression, lack of financial services, housing discrimination, and other areas. More than anything, doing this work has taught the ACLU that we must fight on every front in order to overcome our country's legacies of racism. That is what our Systemic Equality agenda is all about.

In the weeks ahead, we will both expand on our views of why these campaigns are crucial to systemic equality and signal the path this country must take. We will also dive into our work to build organizing, advocacy, and legal power in the South — a region with a unique history of racial oppression and violence alongside a rich history of antiracist organizing and advocacy. We are committed to four principles throughout this campaign: reconciliation, access, prosperity, and empowerment. We hope that our actions can meet our ambition to, as Dr. King said, lead this nation to live out the true meaning of its creed.

What you can do:
Take the pledge: Systemic Equality Agenda
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Featured image by Shutterstock

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