Quantcast

What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex

Five brave men share how sex as a husband is very different than sex as a bachelor.

Sex

As a marriage life coach and avid relationships reader, I think that some of the biggest mistakes we as women can (sometimes) make is 1) assuming what a man is thinking; 2) speaking for him or 3) generalizing men as a whole.


Take their views on sex, for example. Several weeks ago, Joe Budden received a fair share of social media attention for "turning down" his lady (and the mother of his one-year-old son), Cyn Santana, on the premiere episode of LHHNY: Comeback Season. If you watched it and thought that he was playing up the dramatics for the show, think again. He took not wanting to have sex a step further by doing on a phone interview on The Breakfast Club and saying — and I quote — "If I never had sex again, I'd be OK."

It sounded a little odd but that's what I like about Joe. He's an odd cat and a bit of a wild card. But then it got a little more interesting when Charlamagne Tha God (who's married) responded by casually saying, "I get it. I haven't had sex in months." In fact, the only man to seem excited about sex was DJ Envy (who is also married). He said, "I try and make it at least three a week, minimum."

Hmm. Two men who have been very open about their high libidos in the past are now in committed relationships and seemingly "good" on sex. I know. Some of y'all will probably want to naturally assume they're cheating, but I didn't get that vibe. If anything, Joe and Charlamagne simply seemed busy…and tired (kinda like what Ray J does these days when he talks about sex life after marriage; he and Charlamagne make an interesting point at the 11:25 mark here).

Here's the problem with this. Contrary to what some might believe, there are a ton of women out here who not only have strong sex drives but ones that literally run laps around their man's (check out "Why Women Need Twice as Much Sex as Men" and "Turns Out Women Have Really, Really Strong Sex Drives: Can Men Handle It?"). I've counseled my fair share of wives who can certainly vouch for this. Over half have told me that it's oftentimes their husbands who "have a headache," not them.

So, in the effort to allow other men to speak for themselves, I decided to ask five husbands that I personally know who were once seriously out here in these streets as single men about how their libido has shifted since marriage. For better or worse, their answers just may surprise you.

*(Oh, and so they can remain happily married, their names have been changed.)

*Michael—mid 20s and married for three years.

"Married sex was like culture shock for me. When I was a single man, sex was so recreational that I didn't even think about how much my drive or even my performance would affect my partner. Now that I'm married, since my wife has such a high drive, it's not just about giving her some; it's about making sure it's just the way she wants it. Married sex has taught me how selfish I was when I was single."

*James—early 30s and married for seven years.

"I think some women feel that so long as they look good and are good in bed, we'll be sexually attracted, no matter what. Don't believe that. If there's no harmony and peace, we can instantly be unattracted, especially as we get older. I can't relate to Joe in not ever wanting to have sex again, but I will say that if there's a lot of drama going on, I'd rather jack off and get eight hours of sleep than try and have sex with my wife. Drama-free sex is the best kind of sex."

"Drama-free sex is the best kind of sex."

*Rick—early 40s and married for close to a decade.

"When you're young, your testosterone levels are going through the roof. It's almost like you're starving for sex. Now that I'm married, I don't want it quite as much as I used to. But, at the same time, I'm getting it more consistently than I ever have. Also, my wife is getting closer to 40 and it's evident that she's hitting her sexual peak. Sometimes it can be a challenge finding a balance, but I'll tell you what — you couldn't pay me enough money to be back out there again. Single sex is usually very one-dimensional. Married sex is so broad. It's incomparable."

*Alex—mid 40s and married close to 20 years.

"When you're younger, all you think about is how hard your d*ck is and what you should do about it. You can have sex with a girl you don't even like with no problem. As a man gets older, it's not about your d*ck telling you what to do, it's about [what] you tell it to do. That starts to make sex more psychological. So, if there is stress in the relationship, it can make us less interested in sex. Sometimes women think that if a man isn't having sex, he's cheating, when really it's that there's so much more to focus on —making money, paying bills, raising kids — that if I'm emotionally turned off, I just put that energy somewhere else. For me, it's making money."

*Charles—late 40s and married five years.

"When I was single, gettin' some was more like a challenge. Now that I'm married, it's a responsibility. It's not just about me or when I'm in the mood for it. It's about genuinely caring about the wants and needs of my partner too. We've had moments when we've gone weeks without having sex, but I don't think that's a red flag unless it goes into months of that. Like anything in life, even sex has peaks and valleys. When we have it, it's good…really good. When we don't, I'm good. The comfort of knowing I'm with the woman I want makes me less anxious sexually."

"When I was single, gettin' some was more like a challenge. Now that I'm married, it's a responsibility."

Ah. So, Joe Budden isn't as odd as I thought; at least, not when it comes to this particular topic. Now that we've heard from eight different men on what their libidos are like after marriage, seems to me that men aren't all about sex like the media wants us to think. That if they're not gettin' it in every day with their wife, that doesn't mean they're doin' it and doin' it well with someone else.

Like everything in life, their libidos simply mature and evolve.

Featured image by Getty Images.

In I Know Why a Caged Bird Sings, poet and author Maya Angelou details the five-year period of her childhood when she was mute – unable to speak – after the man who had raped her was murdered shortly after being released from jail. “My voice killed that man,” Angelou recounts in an interview with Oprah Winfrey on how her seven-year-old logic led to her years-long bout of self-imposed silence. It was only through her voracious love of the written word that she would eventually reclaim her voice.

Keep reading... Show less
The daily empowerment fix you need.
Make things inbox official.

With the hectic lives we’ve lived in a pandemic these past two years, it's easy to feel as though 2022 will be a repeat of what preceded it. While I can't predict what the future holds, I can guarantee that there will be plenty of exciting moments filled with unforgettable looks ahead. As we press reset, one way to head into a new year is by making space in preparation for more to come in our lives, especially in our closets. When it comes to accessories, handbags are my weakness.

Keep reading... Show less

For many, the new year signifies a time for growth, new beginnings, and fresh starts. It's a time to set the tone for the year ahead by making resolutions, setting intentions, and creating lists of goals. All for the sole purpose of improvement and to manifest the life of one's dreams. Over the years, like millions of people worldwide, I have made numerous commitments towards having a healthier lifestyle.

Keep reading... Show less

By now we have all heard the sad news that Lisa Bonet and Jason Momoa have decided to split. The couple were married for five years, but together for 16 years and share two kids, Lola, 14, and Nakoa-Wolf, 13. The couple made the shocking announcement via Jason’s Instagram as Lisa doesn’t have social media.

Keep reading... Show less

Y'all remember the show Girlfriends? It was my first introduction to what my 20s could possibly look like with my closest friends. For me, it was a nice dream for little ol' me to look forward to when I grew up. Now that I’m grown, honey, adulting is not a joke. There are many responsibilities to have, mistakes to make, and breakups to recover from. It is a struggle but a beautiful one. Today, there are a few shows that still highlight amazing Black women living their lives and navigating the ups and downs with their day-ones by their side.

Keep reading... Show less
Exclusive Interviews

Boris Kodjoe And Nicole Ari Parker Know “When To Bring Work Home” For Their New Film 'Safe Room'

The husband-and-wife dream team have found their sweet spot.

Latest Posts