What 5 Men Had To Say About Married Sex
As a marriage life coach and avid relationships reader, I think that some of the biggest mistakes we as women can (sometimes) make is 1) assuming what a man is thinking; 2) speaking for him or 3) generalizing men as a whole.
Take their views on sex, for example. Several weeks ago, Joe Budden received a fair share of social media attention for "turning down" his lady (and the mother of his one-year-old son), Cyn Santana, on the premiere episode of LHHNY: Comeback Season. If you watched it and thought that he was playing up the dramatics for the show, think again. He took not wanting to have sex a step further by doing on a phone interview on The Breakfast Club and saying — and I quote — "If I never had sex again, I'd be OK."
It sounded a little odd but that's what I like about Joe. He's an odd cat and a bit of a wild card. But then it got a little more interesting when Charlamagne Tha God (who's married) responded by casually saying, "I get it. I haven't had sex in months." In fact, the only man to seem excited about sex was DJ Envy (who is also married). He said, "I try and make it at least three a week, minimum."
Hmm. Two men who have been very open about their high libidos in the past are now in committed relationships and seemingly "good" on sex. I know. Some of y'all will probably want to naturally assume they're cheating, but I didn't get that vibe. If anything, Joe and Charlamagne simply seemed busy…and tired (kinda like what Ray J does these days when he talks about sex life after marriage; he and Charlamagne make an interesting point at the 11:25 mark here).
Here's the problem with this. Contrary to what some might believe, there are a ton of women out here who not only have strong sex drives but ones that literally run laps around their man's (check out "Why Women Need Twice as Much Sex as Men" and "Turns Out Women Have Really, Really Strong Sex Drives: Can Men Handle It?"). I've counseled my fair share of wives who can certainly vouch for this. Over half have told me that it's oftentimes their husbands who "have a headache," not them.
So, in the effort to allow other men to speak for themselves, I decided to ask five husbands that I personally know who were once seriously out here in these streets as single men about how their libido has shifted since marriage. For better or worse, their answers just may surprise you.
*(Oh, and so they can remain happily married, their names have been changed.)
*Michael—mid 20s and married for three years.
" Married sex was like culture shock for me. When I was a single man, sex was so recreational that I didn't even think about how much my drive or even my performance would affect my partner. Now that I'm married, since my wife has such a high drive, it's not just about giving her some; it's about making sure it's just the way she wants it. Married sex has taught me how selfish I was when I was single."
*James—early 30s and married for seven years.
"I think some women feel that so long as they look good and are good in bed, we'll be sexually attracted, no matter what. Don't believe that. If there's no harmony and peace, we can instantly be unattracted, especially as we get older. I can't relate to Joe in not ever wanting to have sex again, but I will say that if there's a lot of drama going on, I'd rather jack off and get eight hours of sleep than try and have sex with my wife. Drama-free sex is the best kind of sex."
"Drama-free sex is the best kind of sex."
*Rick—early 40s and married for close to a decade.
"When you're young, your testosterone levels are going through the roof. It's almost like you're starving for sex. Now that I'm married, I don't want it quite as much as I used to. But, at the same time, I'm getting it more consistently than I ever have. Also, my wife is getting closer to 40 and it's evident that she's hitting her sexual peak. Sometimes it can be a challenge finding a balance, but I'll tell you what — you couldn't pay me enough money to be back out there again. Single sex is usually very one-dimensional. Married sex is so broad. It's incomparable."
*Alex—mid 40s and married close to 20 years.
"When you're younger, all you think about is how hard your d*ck is and what you should do about it. You can have sex with a girl you don't even like with no problem. As a man gets older, it's not about your d*ck telling you what to do, it's about [what] you tell it to do. That starts to make sex more psychological. So, if there is stress in the relationship, it can make us less interested in sex. Sometimes women think that if a man isn't having sex, he's cheating, when really it's that there's so much more to focus on —making money, paying bills, raising kids — that if I'm emotionally turned off, I just put that energy somewhere else. For me, it's making money."
*Charles—late 40s and married five years.
"When I was single, gettin' some was more like a challenge. Now that I'm married, it's a responsibility. It's not just about me or when I'm in the mood for it. It's about genuinely caring about the wants and needs of my partner too. We've had moments when we've gone weeks without having sex, but I don't think that's a red flag unless it goes into months of that. Like anything in life, even sex has peaks and valleys. When we have it, it's good…really good. When we don't, I'm good. The comfort of knowing I'm with the woman I want makes me less anxious sexually."
"When I was single, gettin' some was more like a challenge. Now that I'm married, it's a responsibility."
Ah. So, Joe Budden isn't as odd as I thought; at least, not when it comes to this particular topic. Now that we've heard from eight different men on what their libidos are like after marriage, seems to me that men aren't all about sex like the media wants us to think. That if they're not gettin' it in every day with their wife, that doesn't mean they're doin' it and doin' it well with someone else.
Like everything in life, their libidos simply mature and evolve.
Featured image by Getty Images.
- The Many Consequences of Male Low Libido ›
- What to Do When Your Husband Has a Low Sex Drive | Happy ... ›
- 20 Habits That Are Lowering Your Husband's Libido - Causes of ... ›
- Q&A: Why does my husband have a low sex drive? - Focus on the ... ›
- When the Cause of a Sexless Relationship Is — Surprise! — the ... ›
- Understanding Your Husband's Sexual Needs | Focus on the Family ›
- Why Most Married Men Have Low Libido | Mars Venus ›
- Understanding His Sexuality | Focus on the Family ›
- An Inconvenient Truth: Sexual Monogamy Kills Male Libido ... ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line CÉCRED & Here's My Honest Review
Beyoncé is snatching our wallets yet again with her latest business venture CÉCRED. In 2023, the Texas native hinted at a potential haircare line when she posted this photo causing fans to speculate that her next project would be focused on her famous tresses - they were right. Her haircare line Cécred launched on February 20 with her first drop called The Foundation Collection which focuses on haircare first, and I can only assume that a style product line for colored-treated hair will likely follow since Beyoncé is known for slaying various shades of blonde.
As a super fan since the early 2000s, it was only right that I give an honest review of the full line and purchase the Super Fan Bundle (retailed at $265) which includes the full product line of the 8 products, as well as a branded cosmetic bag. If you’re thinking, “Girl that bundle is too pricey for me,” I can assure you that for the value you're getting, the price is quite reasonable. This bundle was an intentional and marketable way to allow consumers to experience every Cécred product.
The brand messaging surrounding Cécred has been salon-inspired, and rightfully so as an ode to Beyoncé’s upbringing growing up in her mother’s hair salon in Houston. This line is backed by science and licensed cosmetologists showing that she’s done her research and appointed the experts. Cécred's IG feed has been filled with images and videos inside of hair salons including some videos of Ms. Tina herself assisting in the styling of beauty experts who visited Cécred's private salon to have the VIP treatment!
Now, have I seen influencers, consumers, and beauty stylists using the Foundation Collection at home? Yes, but I thought it was best to experience Cécred with my go-to cosmetologist who also happens to be my Auntie Tawana. She has been my educator and go-to for hair knowledge since I was a child and has had a hand in my mom's hair health which has always been goals for me. As a little girl, my Saturdays were spent sitting in her hair salon while my mama got her hair done as I patiently waited reading Jet and ESSENCE, ever so carefully eavesdropping on the conversations of the ladies who were coming for much more than just a beauty routine, but an experience.
I’d fall asleep on the plush couch in the waiting area flipping through magazines while listening to the sultry sounds of Maxwell. And I had my first lesson in breakup empowerment when I heard Sunshine Anderson’s “Heard It All Before.” So there was no other place for me to go than to see her, and because I’m her niece, I was able to visit her private salon in her home that she calls The After Hours where upon arrival I was greeted with my favorite Black-owned sparkling Rosé, candles lit, and my aunt’s breakdown of Cécred.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
But let me refocus and share my salon experience as I tried Cécred for the first time.
If You’re Wondering…Who is Cécred For?
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
When news of Beyoncé potentially launching a beauty brand hit the internet, there were a bunch of predictions of what and who the line would be marketed towards and if she’d have any wig care products as she’s known for slaying her units! But she went in a totally different direction which I love, and I’m going to tell you why. Critics have questioned if Beyoncé should be venturing into the haircare industry because she is often seen in weaves and wigs, but true Beyoncé fans know that she has healthy hair and that, like many Black women, experiments with various styles.
Cécred was created for all hair types and textures, including straight to coily, virgin, color-treated, chemically processed, and heat-styled. As a Black woman who has worn wigs, had chemically processed hair, heat-styled, natural, and color-treated hair, let me tell you, this was no easy feat! The amount of money I’ve spent on my hair through its various changes just on product alone, forget styling has been astronomical.
Cécred is serving the needs of various hair types in textures and I truly believe that this is going to make Beyoncé a true competitor in the hair industry amongst brands that are comparable such as OUAI and Olaplex. Both competitor brands have similar items at a higher price point and unlike Cécred, their products and brand messaging haven’t always felt inclusive to Black women and other hair types.
Cécred has been tested inclusively and the reviews from various hair types and backgrounds of consumers are allowing the brand to stand out.
I Tried Beyoncé's Haircare Line Cécred: My Honest Review
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
My hair has never felt cleaner and it shined for well over a week following the styling (but the oil should be used sparingly if like me, oil can weigh down your hair.) Immediately when my hair touched the sink, my aunt told me that she saw all the dirt and oils lifting from my hair when she applied the clarifying shampoo. As a girl who loves my curls, I am often judgy when I use any other shampoo and conditioner aside from Pattern, but not this time.
When my aunt guided my hands across my hair, she showed me how my curls weren’t tangled, and how she didn’t need to comb out my curls before applying the moisturizing deep conditioner or the deconstructing treatment mask.
Yasmine Jameelah/xoNecole
She applied each step with care and walked me through the process, and to my surprise, the hair mask wasn’t thick - but through trial and error as a natural girl, I’ve learned that a thick mask doesn’t always equal what’s best for your hair. She styled me with a silk press that left my hair with shine and I can honestly say that each step of the line is needed especially if you are someone who changes up your hair and deals with breakage. If your hair is healthy, you can opt out of the reconstructing treatment mask but I recommend taking the product line to your salon, having a discussion with your stylist on where your hair health needs improvement, and then purchasing based on that.
We know ourselves better than anyone else, but your stylist knows your hair better than you do. I like to lead with their knowledge first and then incorporate what my hair goals are. If you’re a girly who’s committed to hair health and has either the discipline to incorporate each step at home or can bring your products to the salon, Cécred is for you no matter if you’re a silk press or a wash-and-go naturalist.
Give Cécred a try, I’ll be using the line for my hair appointments until it runs out and if I see long-term results, it will be added to the beauty regimen indefinitely.
Let’s make things inbox official! Sign up for the xoNecole newsletter for daily love, wellness, career, and exclusive content delivered straight to your inbox.
Featured image courtesy of CÉCRED