Aight. Even if the title of this article seems a bit…odd at first, hear me out. For starters, let’s begin with some data. Did you know that, reportedly, somewhere around 53 percent of people under 30, 37 percent of people between the ages of 30-49, and 20 percent of those between the ages of 50-64 either have used or are currently using dating apps (for the record, and I think this will come as no surprise, Gen Z actually prefers meeting people online)?
As far as the dating apps that led to some type of long-term success, a survey from The Knot says that Hinge leads the pack (with 35 percent) followed by Tinder (with 25 percent). Then, if you take into account a Lovehoney survey of 2000 people, which revealed that 60 percent of men and 42 percent of women have admitted to having sex on the first date — uh-huh, now do you see why a piece like this is both relevant and necessary?
Virtual dating isn’t going anywhere any time soon, and although “first date sex” used to be somewhat taboo, clearly, that isn’t even close to being the case anymore. So, since both are a big part of our culture, let’s explore how to approach merging the two (if you’ve been wondering if you should…that is).
What’s the Purpose/Agenda of a First Date?
GiphyOkay, so let’s start by laying a bit of foundation because, personally, I am a big believer that when we don’t know the purpose of something, it’s almost guaranteed that on some level and in some way, we are going to either misuse or abuse it — dating is no exception. And what’s the purpose of a first date?
To get to know if there is more of a connection than just an initial attraction or surface-level chemistry (check out “What's The Difference Between Chemistry And Compatibility?”). And honestly, that’s why all of the social media debates about women expecting a $200 date off the rip and men expecting sex in return if that does indeed go down are nothing short of nauseating to me. ON BOTH SIDES, all it sounds like is a transactional hustle.
Nothing about that type of motive says, “I’m trying to see if there is something real here;” both are about nothing more than how much juice is in the squeeze (and that’s putting it politely — SMDH).
Although there are dozens of reasons why I think dating has become so chaotic for a lot of people these days, here are two of the main ones as it relates to this article in particular:
1) More people need to remember what author M. Scott Peck once said, "Until you value yourself, you won't value your time. Until you value your time, you will not do anything with it." When it comes to first dates, specifically, that’s why I don’t get what all of the drama is behind coffee dates. While TikTok is telling you that agreeing to those means that you are settling, if you value your time, you absolutely aren’t — especially if there have been no real conversations prior to the initial meet-up.
A coffee date or drinks after work doesn’t say, “He’s cheap,” so much as, “If there’s something here, then we can build on that. If there’s not, you got 30 minutes of my time; no harm, no foul.” Time is something that you can never get back, so why waste it? Besides, if you feel the need to brag about going on an expensive dinner, go out with some of your girls, and y’all split the tab.
At least you’ll know that you’re going to have a good time because you actually know those people (by the way, if that triggers you, that already reveals a lot, as far as your motives are concerned). No one should need a date to validate them — especially a first date. If they do, there’s some stuff going on that a date, a man nor a relationship is going to fix (just sayin’).
2) Talk to the long-term couples who are 50+ (if they’re 50, that now means they were in college in the early 90s, by the way). Ask them about what dating was like when they were younger and single. I’m wiling to bet that, for one thing, expensive ass first dates weren’t even on their radar, and two, it was rare that they went out with someone before talking to them, at least a couple of times on the phone.
Yep, as semi-antiquated as it may sound in the world that we live in now, it was pretty standard that if you saw a stranger who caught your attention, you would get their number, talk on the phone to see how the two of you vibe and then some successful conversations down the line, if you both believed that something was there between the two of you, you would mutually decide to go on a date.
And because some type of foundation was already laid, if the first date did end up going beyond just coffee or drinks, it was because the two of you had already invested time — you already knew that you wanted more. And honestly, to me, that is one of the benefits of virtual dating or talking on the phone for a couple of weeks before going on a first date — you can actually get to know someone…beyond what you can get out of them.
“Sex on the First Date” Has Levels to It
GiphyAnd when you take into account all of what I just said, it seems to me that there are two kinds of “sex on the first date” scenarios that should be pondered. One is the kind where you meet someone, text each other about a place to meet up, get to know each other for 1-2 hours max, and then go back to somebody’s place to get it in. The other is when you meet someone and, whether online or by phone, you both decide to ease into things by talking first…for a while. Then, after an awesome first date, sex comes naturally to both of you.
And how long is a while? I mean, because this platform is for women — until you feel safe. Until you have asked the kind of questions that make you feel like you want to spend more time with him on a deeper level. Until you get that his intentions aren’t just shallow…or physical. Until you know that you aren’t just attracted to him — you know that there are things about his personality and character that you actually like. Until you want to go on a first date.
And unless the two of you are talking for 2-3 hours a day, every day, for a week straight, you can’t really come to this kind of conclusion in record time. It may take a few weeks or even a few months — and that is perfectly fine. Someone who wants to know you for you is going to be okay with communication being set as the foundation of the relationship that the two of you are potentially building anyway, so…by the time that you both decide to meet up for a first date, it will be the icing on the cake.
And, because you actually like him for him, the kind of date that he plans, you won’t be grading it based on nothing more than the price tag; it’s a win for all parties involved.
Okay, so if you do decide to go the route of a “slow build,” you do take your time before a first date, and then you do decide to have sex with him — does it constitute as “first date sex”? I mean, technically, probably. However, the reputation of first-date sex is someone is getting to know everything about you (you know what I mean) without knowing much about you at all. On the other hand, when you opt to communicate for some time before a first date (and the sex that follows), it’s not so casual…and yes, that makes it — different.
3 Questions to Ask Yourself Before Sleeping with Anyone New
GiphyNow that I hope I’ve brought some peace of mind to if it’s a standard “sex on the first date” type of situation if you’ve been virtually hanging out with someone for a while, let’s talk about some of the main things that you should consider before having sex with anyone who you are beginning to interact with on a physical level.
What is the energy like?
One day, I’m going to write about how true it is that energy is exchanged during sex. A big part of the reason is that we are sources of energy — and honestly, the kind of energy that you experience with someone when you’re not in their physical presence vs. when you actually are? It tends to be quite different.
Therefore, it’s a good idea to intentionally “tap in” to see what kind of vibes are exchanged when you’re around each other before deciding to take it there because there is a possibility that how you feel about someone in person may be different than how you do online or over the phone.
What type of sexual accountability conversations have you had?
One of the biggest mistakes that people make is thinking that real life is a soap opera or a rom-com — for instance, you can have sex, and there be no real consequences. Chile, please.
Don’t ever put yourself in the position where you think that the two of you connect so well that you shouldn’t talk about how often you both get tested, what your approaches are to birth control, what your sexual deal-breakers are, and what your sexual expectations may be.
And listen, if all of this seems like too much for a first date, then you already have your answer about if you should have sex after the first date…RIGHT? Because how is it that you don’t want to get into his mind, yet you’re okay with him getting inside of you? Nope. Uh-uh. Nada.
What would sex on the first date accomplish?
Back when I used to mentor teen moms in public schools here in Nashville, I would always call them out whenever they told me that unprotected sex “just happened.” NO. IT. DOES. NOT. There are so many steps involved, from calling the person, setting up a plan, meeting up, pulling off clothes, etc. — all of us have plenty of opportunities to rethink what we are doing. Same goes for first-date sex.
Listen, no matter how much you are feeling the guy from communicating before the date and even more once you meet him, take the time to ask yourself, “What will sex right now accomplish?” An accomplishment is something that brings about credibility. An accomplishment is something that makes you feel fulfilled. An accomplishment is something that causes you to believe that you achieved something great.
That said, if all you’re after is a good time and maybe an orgasm, perhaps sex on the first date will be an accomplishment for you. However, if after starting off solid with this new guy, if you’re not sure what sex will accomplish, in the grand scheme of things, pause until you know. There is absolutely nothing wrong with that — and the right guy for you will agree.
____
Bottom line, if it’s a first real date and you do have sex after it, yes — you just had sex on a first date. Although, when there has been a foundation built prior to it, via healthy communication…it’s less risky and something that you (typically) can feel more confident about — especially if you take all of what I just said into (serious) account.
Sis, when it comes to giving any of yourself to someone new — online or not — please make sure that you do.
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Whether you're planning to meet a certain financial or fitness goal, or you're simply trying to maintain and build on the progress you made this year, having something to look forward to is always a good look. Setting actual goals, according to research, actually leads to more success than just playing things by ear. So here are a few to get you started, sis:
(Disclaimer: Not everything is for everyone, so do like my Granny always says: "Eat the meat. Spit out the bone." Take on five out of the 40 and focus on that for the remainder of the year, or do them all. Either way, this is just to get you started.)
40 Ways To End The Year Strong and Inspired
Money Moves
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1. Increase your retirement (or other savings/investment) contributions by 1%.
Experts have found that you could be leaving money on the table by not upping your contributions when you can.
2. Cancel two to five subscriptions.
You could be missing hundreds, even thousands, of dollars a year due to sneaky price hikes and "updates."
3. Create a "fun" in a high-yield savings account.
This is especially important if you struggle with the dreaded b-word (budget) and will make next year's efforts a lot less intimidating. Even if it's $10 a month, do it.
4. Put on your big-girl panties, and set up automatic transfers and payments for at least one bill.
It reduces the stress of managing bills, lessens the chance of a missed payment---and the fees that come with that---and there can be cost savings for doing so.
5. Invest in a cleaner or housekeeping service.
Bosses who value their time (and mental health) invest their dollars into areas where the time they'd spend doing those tasks themselves could be better used to focus on other money-making projects. (And yes, rest is part of that.) Get a housekeeper, sis, or drop off that laundry, even if it's once per month.
6. Donate to a charity.
Beyond the tax benefits, it's a win-win for the greater good of communities you care about.
7. Review your insurance policies and negotiate a better rate (or move on) before their end dates.
Experts often agree this is a small but mighty step to take each year, especially since insurance rates are competitive, you could be spending more money than you need to (or not enough) and your insurance rates can affect your mortgage payments.
8. Call your loan provider and refinance.
As interest rates fall, “millions of borrowers may be able to refinance and get more affordable payments. As interest rates eased down to 6.5%, about 2.5 million borrowers could already refinance and save at least 75 basis points (0.75%) on their interest rate,” the Consumer Financial Protection Bureau reports. You can also refinance student and other types of loans.
9. Stop buying individual items and stock up via going bulk.
Research has found that, among 30 common products, buying in bulk could save you 27% compared with buying in lower quantities. Water, paper products, and baby products like diapers, toiletries, and garbage bags are the top items where people see the most cost-effectiveness. (This has been a lifesaver for me—children, large family, or not—especially when it comes to toothpaste, deodorant, toilet paper, and feminine hygiene products, saving stress, time, and money.)
10. Go cash-only for the holidays.
If you set smart goals and stick to limits on things like gifts, going out to eat, or groceries, you'll see the benefits of this. Cash-stuffing is one method recommended, but something as simple as taking a $10 bill out for lunch, disabling that card for an hour, and leaving your card in a safe place at the office can give you that mindset jump start to see how far you can take your money without the need to splurge.
Love And Romance
11. Say "no."
There are clear mental and physical health benefits to saying no including the setting of healthy boundaries, creating time and energy for other self-care activities, and protecting yourself from physically harmful situations (i.e. unprotected sex or abuse). Just say it, clearly and simply, when you need to.
12. Set a fun, free, adults-only date night for once a week or twice a month with your spouse.
If busy, high-profile folk have touted the success of this, even you can make the time for quality time with your partner. And it's even better when it costs nothing. The best connections are made doing something chill, challenging, or outside the usual dinner-and-a-movie date. Play a game that allows you to reconnect, take a walk in your neighborhood to chat and laugh, or try a little erotic chocolate/edible liquid/paint episode a la Mea Culpa.
13. Go out with Mr. or Ms. "Not My Type."
I love my man, but if I were waiting out for my "type" at the time, we wouldn't be celebrating seven (going on eight) years together. Sometimes having strict, unrealistic expectations for a spouse (especially related to things like height, physical features, or career path) is what's keeping you alone and lonely.
Take the pressure off and explore all your options. I'm not telling you to stop popping the balloon on the guy who earns $20,000 less than you if that's a hard no that Jesus himself told you to skip. I'm asking you to explore other options and see what else God might have out there for your love journey.
14. Immediately apologize and pray together.
I've learned that always being "right" isn't always ideal when you truly care about someone and you're in a relationship for the long haul. Defaulting to an apology when necessary, even when things aren't 100% resolved, is a good way to prioritize peace and save your energy for more worthwhile battles. Research has even supported the benefits of apologies in relationships, and how couples married for five or more years do it often.
15. Get a Rose and discover true self-love.
Do I really have to explain this? You've gotta know what satisfies you, and how better to figure that out than to practice self-love in the bed by yourself? You can also try this with a partner, but as a woman who got on this train very much later in my sexual activity journey. I have a lot more learning to do on my own, and even in a satisfying relationship, I like to find out new things about myself, by myself.
Figure out what you're into, watch what you want to watch, and read what you want to read to define pleasure for yourself. There's a freedom and empowering element there especially if you're used to prioritizing pleasing your partner.
16. Be direct and have the "money talk" with bae.
Money issues are one of the leading causes of divorce, so you need to have those conversations before you even think about marrying someone. And true, nobody can predict the future so you won't be able to avoid some challenges altogether, however, talking with your potential spouse about how they view money, their spending habits, and the pain points in terms of their approach to money management can at least give you a glimpse into what's in store if you do walk down the aisle, move in with them, or decide to share a bank account/business/child with them.
17. Invest in the "paid" version of that dating app.
I know plenty of successful, married folk who did this and met "the one" as a result. Let's be honest: The free version is for playing around. I had a lot of fun with my "free" profile back in the day, trust me. Upgrade that photo, profile, and package, and see if the quality of your dating adventures changes when you're serious about finding a true partner. Dating coaches and matchmakers cosign this.
18. Solo travel to meet that long-distance connection.
Sometimes, your perfect match isn't within 100 miles of you, and that's okay. Make it an adventure, enjoy the memories, and book that ticket. I met my man this way and it's been a whirlwind escape ever since. If you're not comfortable traveling solo, travel or (network to plan travel) with a group via Facebook.
Career And Business
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19. Schedule coffee or virtual meetups with smart people from your graduating class, previous employer, or current employer.
I have gotten many freelance opportunities by doing this. It's as simple as connecting and offering value (or simply learning how you can better equip yourself to do so.) It's also a great way to expand your network, spark new friendships, or find out about new job opportunities.
20. Invest in a well-made suit.
I don't care what industry you're in, a suit says "power," and it's not as old-school or out-of-style as you'd think. Plus the whole experience of looking for a new one (or getting one tailored) is fun and affirming. Try these options. I swear, anytime I wear a blazer, I'm treated like a celebrity or boss, especially when traveling. I was once upgraded to first-class wearing a yellow blazer outfit, and the airline professional literally said, "You look like somebody important. Here you go."
21. Volunteer for a worthwhile project or cause that's important to your company.
If you're overworked and underappreciated, skip this one, but if you truly have the time, love what you do, and want to advance, this move is clutch. Volunteering for extra projects got me where I am today in media because I had foresight, and knew that was the only way at the time to leverage relationships, and I was able to challenge myself to learn skills that 20 years later are still bankable. That VP you can't get a meeting with will be at that gala your company is planning, so join that committee, sis.
22. Write down why you deserve a raise and ask for it in your next one-on-one.
Gather those receipts (ie sales increase numbers, KPIs met, deals closed, people acquired via recruitment, the impact of systems updates, or other tangible success metrics) and ask for that raise before the first or second-quarter budgets are being finalized.
23. Instead of quitting, write down your exit plan.
While revenge quitting is set to be a thing next year (and maybe you're among those who will be leading the trend), try the better boss move and quit with a real plan.
24. Start automatically separating that estimated self-employed quarterly tax estimate.
If you have side hustles (or you're collecting 1099 income,) baby, you do not want to neglect those quarter tax payments. Talk to a professional, do your research, and set up automatic transfers to an account specifically for paying these at the appropriate due dates.
25. Sign up for a free one- to 11-week course related to your industry—or the industry you want to be in next year.
Institutions like Harvard University and platforms like Coursera offer free courses that can enhance your skills. You can also invest in certificate courses with accredited colleges as well as tech training.
26. Hit "Easy Apply" for 10 dream jobs listed on LinkedIn.
While you shouldn't solely rely on this when actively job-seeking, using this convenient LinkedIn option is a great way to get into the habit of applying for positions. And if you're already employed, you should still be "dating" other employers if you're looking to make a move in the next six months. Keep your interview skills sharp, practice toughening up for the "nos," and get a bit of an ego boost in the process.
Self-Care And Wellness
27. Pre-schedule three month's worth of massages.
Oftentimes this is cost-effective since some spas offer deals for multiple bookings. Also, it makes an act of self-care deliberate and important, not an option. When you get that reminder call, you'll know it's real.
28. Fire that therapist and try another one.
Cultural competency in mental health support is one major problem that can hinder Black women from even bothering with therapy. And who wants the added stress of spending multiple, paid sessions explaining why something is a microaggression? Cut the cord and move on to try someone else, either via a Black women therapists channel or recommendations from others.
29. Join a small group at church.
Bedside service ain't gonna cut it and neither is going to the usual Sunday service. Join a smaller group and upgrade your efforts to connect, network, and elevate spiritually. Even if virtually, take a step to dig a bit deeper with more targeted Bible study and discussions.
30. Say no, even to loved ones.
This is on here twice, for a reason. Saying no is the simplest, most powerful micro-action you can take today to make 2025 better. No explanations. No guilt. Say no.
31. Choose one "luxury" beauty product for skincare and stick to it.
This was trending big on social, especially for millennials hitting their 40s. There's just something so freeing about not giving in to every trend and sticking to the basics that work, especially when there are quality, healthy ingredients involved. Put those orders on auto-renew.
32. Sign up for a new sport or fitness class just for fun, not for results.
It's great to be on a weight-loss or weight-lifting journey, but try something just for the fun of it. Switch things up with a couple of these fitness activities.
33. Book a staycation.
Leave the passport at home and explore a nearby community or another town in your state. There's so much enrichment in your own backyard right here in the U.S., and you don't even have to break the bank.
34. Pre-schedule your mammograms, Pap smear, and peri-menopause checkups for next year.
Take control of your health by pre-scheduling essential appointments like mammograms, Pap smears, and peri-menopause check-ups for 2025. Prioritizing these screenings early ensures you stay on top of your wellness and make time for self-care in the new year.
35. Cut off support of beauty and wellness professionals whose customer service is below standard.
This is another one that many Black women have been vocal about—from unrealistic pre-appointment requirements, to booking fees, to long waits, to unsavory in-salon experiences. Spot the red flags early, and just stop accommodating foolishness. Support salons or experienced stylists who are kind, have proper systems in place and value your time.
36. Schedule five to 10-minute moments of silence on your calendar.
Again, wellness is not optional, and if it's not on my calendar, it's not official. Sit quietly. Pray. Meditate. Or do nothing. The benefits of silent moments are almost endless.
37. Download a meditation app.
If you've found that meditation is difficult to schedule or to even start, an app can help. Try this, this, or this one, and take that step to embrace something new to enhance your wellness routine. If you're tired of downloading apps, create a playlist for meditation via Amazon Music or Spotify and schedule a reminder to do it once a day or week.
38. Invest in a healthy meal prep or delivery service.
Time is emotionally expensive, so save as much of it as possible. Getting into meal prep to keep to your goals is a great way to save time, stress, and effort. The health benefits of meal prepping have also been proven via research.
39. Create a positive playlist on Spotify, Amazon Music, YouTube, or other streaming platform.
It can be podcasts, music, affirmations, or somatic sounds. It's a game-changer. You can even set an alarm to wake you up to start your day with the positive playlist. Not into creating your own? There are plenty to choose from with a quick search.
40. Set up reminders for Alexa (Siri or other AI) to remind you, "You are loved," and "You are okay."
This simple effort can boost your endorphins and remind you that you're indeed, not alone, and you will be okay, regardless. To set mine up, I simply commanded, "Alexa, remind me everyday 'Jesus loves me,'" and like clockwork she does. She almost scared the ish out of me one day when I'd forgotten the reminder was active, but it was the reminder I needed when anxiety had gotten the best of me that week.
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Here's a roundup of holiday hair and glam ideas tailored for Black women, focusing on elegance, versatility, and creativity. Each style embraces natural textures, protective styling, and statement-making glam.
Holiday Hairstyle Ideas:
- Natural Hair: Embrace your natural curls, coils, and kinks with festive updos, twist-outs, braid-outs, or wash-and-go styles adorned with jeweled hair accessories, metallic headbands, or shimmering hair tinsel.
- Protective Styles: Opt for stylish and low-maintenance options like box braids, cornrows, Senegalese twists, faux locs, or crochet braids, incorporating festive elements like colored hair extensions, metallic cuffs, or decorative beads.
- Wigs & Weaves: Experiment with versatile and glamorous wigs and weaves in various textures, lengths, and colors, adding holiday flair with curls, waves, sleek styles, or statement-making hair accessories.
Holiday Glam Makeup Tips:
- Bold Lips: Make a statement with vibrant red, berry, or metallic lipstick shades that complement your skin tone and outfit.a
- Shimmering Eyes: Enhance your eyes with shimmering eyeshadows, metallic eyeliner, or glitter accents for a festive glow.
- Flawless Skin: Achieve a radiant complexion with a flawless foundation, subtle contouring, and a touch of highlighter.
- Statement Lashes: Accentuate your eyes with dramatic false lashes or a generous coat of mascara for added allure.
These suggestions are a starting point for your holiday hair and beauty journey. Feel free to personalize each look, experiment with different techniques, and express your unique style. The most important thing is to have fun and celebrate the magic that is you!
1. Stacked Bantu Knots
Raimonda Kulikauskiene/Getty Images
Hair:
- Bantu knots with loose, defined curls framing the face.
- Add gold or metallic hair cuffs for festive flair.
Glam:
- Glittery gold or copper eyeshadow.
- Bold red lip for a classic holiday vibe.
2. Sleek and Sophisticated
Ryan Destiny
Getty Images
Hair:
- Straight middle part or side part with layered waves and a high-gloss finish.
- Optional: Add crystal hair pins for extra sparkle.
Glam:
- Cat-eye liner paired with nude glossy lips.
- Soft bronzed cheeks for a warm glow.
3. Holiday Halo
Ciara
Pascal Le Segretain/Getty Images
Hair:
- A textured halo braid with faux locs or braiding hair for volume.
- Decorate with small ornaments or pearls for a whimsical touch.
Glam:
- Smokey eye with silver shimmer accents.
- Dark berry lipstick for a bold statement.
4. Textured Top Knot
Ari Lennox
Gilbert Carrasquillo/Getty Images
Hair:
- High knot with natural texture or extensions for volume.
- Wrap the base with a velvet ribbon or festive scarf.
Glam:
- Metallic lids in emerald or sapphire shades.
- Subtle highlighter on cheekbones and nose.
5. Hollywood Waves
Jodie Turner-Smith
Amy Sussman/Getty Images
Hair:
- Classic finger waves or soft, voluminous curls for a vintage look.
- Use clip-ins or bundles for added length and fullness.
Glam:
- Winged eyeliner with lashes for drama.
- Crimson lipstick for timeless elegance.
6. Braided Beauty
Rihanna
Samir Hussein/WireImage
Hair:
- Fulani-inspired braids with gold beads or strings.
- Finish with a low bun or leave braids flowing.
Glam:
- Shimmery eyeshadow in gold or bronze.
- Glossy lips with a hint of sparkle.
7. Afro Chic
AJ Odudu
JB Lacroix/WireImage
Hair:
- Fluffed-out afro with metallic accessories.
- Secure with a decorative headband.
Glam:
- Dewy skin with a subtle blush.
- A soft pink lip for contrast.
8. Retro Glam Ponytail
Tia Mowry
Anna Webber/Getty Images
Hair:
- Sleek, high ponytail with flipped ends or added curls.
- Wrap the ponytail base with rhinestones or silk.
Glam:
- Bold eyeliner with graphic shapes.
- Matte lips in a deep plum shade.
9. Goddess Locs
Meagan Good
Matt Winkelmeyer/Getty Images
Hair:
- Bohemian-inspired locs with curly ends.
- Add holiday sparkle with silver or gold accents.
Glam:
- Bronzed eye makeup with a glossy finish.
- Warm nude lipstick with overlined edges.
Hair:
- Stranded twists styled into an intricate updo or bun.
- Secure with jeweled pins or barrettes.
Glam:
- Rose gold eyeshadow with natural lashes.
- Soft mauve lipstick for a delicate finish.
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