7 Ways To Have An Incredible First Date
Food prostitution. Lawd, have mercy! As I was doing my daily check-in on YouTube recently, this was one of the video topics that popped up on my list of suggestions. Being that I'm pretty familiar with Tonya TKO's channel and content, I decided to check it out. The overall gist was a woman decided to social-media-humiliate a man she went out on a date with because he took her out for pizza. Tonya's overall point is there is some sort of breakdown in the woman's character to want to be so mean to the poor guy; that we shouldn't be out here acting like "food prostitutes".
For the most part, I agree. Although I must say that I think part of the reason why there is so much unnecessary-ness that happens on the dating scene is either because 1) we need to spend more time understanding the differences between dating and courting along with what actually makes for a good date (I'll take manners over money any day!) and/or 2) we jump to go on a date with someone before determining, ahead of time, if there is enough of a connection to even go on a date with said person in the first place (more on that in a second). I personally believe that if both of these points were taken to heart more often, dates would be so much smoother.
If you've got a hot date coming up, but you're a little anxious because you can't remember the last time you actually went on a good one, I've got a few suggestions that can make time before, during and even after the date so much less stressful on your mind, body and spirit. Tips that will keep you and your date from feeling like you both had anything less than a good time.
1.Get Your Mind Right
A couple of days ago, I checked out a video by a YouTuber named Asha C. The title of it was "5 Guaranteed Ways to Emotionally Detach!" It basically provided tips for how single women can navigate through the dating scene. Although I recommend watching all of it, if you want the bottom line, the tips are as follows:
- Think with your head and not with heart!
- Don't just date one person.
- Keep yourself busy.
- Reflect on times of premature attachment.
- Associate emotions with surrender until a commitment is in place.
Whether you 100 percent agree with where Asha is coming from or not, what her advice does serve as a good reminder of is the fact that when you have your own mental strategy in place, that makes it so much easier to handle whatever happens on your date with another person. So yeah, take a moment to see where she's coming from, hold on to the gems that you can get on board with and then tweak where you want. A cool and confident woman is someone who is ready for whatever a date night brings her. And she's ready because she prepared herself before ever going on it.
2.Have a Couple of Phone Conversations—Ahead of Time
One reason why I think a lot of dates fail to go very smoothly is because, unless two people already know each other pretty well beforehand, trying to establish a connection while sitting in a crowded restaurant can be awkward, to say the least. One way to avoid that is by talking on the phone before actually meeting up. You can even use that as an opportunity to get some of the "standard dating questions" out of the way. If you need a bit of a nudge, there are 137 first date questions to inspire you here.
By the way, if he refuses to talk on the phone or only wants to text, I'd take that as a bit of a red flag. Texting is about convenience, not establishing a true connection. A man who's really into you is gonna care more about the latter than the former.
3.Avoid Movies. Oh, and Drinks.
While the two of you are on the phone discussing likes and dislikes, it's perfectly fine to slide in that you're not the biggest fan of going to the movies on a first (second or third) date. I mean, how can you truly get to know someone if both of you are sitting in the dark and staring at a movie screen? The only exception in this case is if it's a movie and then something else. But still, on a first date, I'd suggest recommending something with low noise and not a ton of crowds, if at all possible.
As far as drinks go, although having a glass of wine with dinner is cool, tipsy is the last thing you need to be—or should want to see—on a first date. Not only will a sober mind give you both a greater sense of each other's personality, it can also help you to make wise decisions (if you know what I mean).
4.Pay Attention to Your Body Language. And His.
Most of us have heard that 80 percent of communication consists of body language (from the research I've done, it's actually somewhere between 75-90 percent). What this is a blaring reminder of is actions are truly louder than words. This is something to definitely keep in mind once you and your date are finally face to face.
I've got a friend who used to tell me that I needed to work on developing a better "screen saver". What he meant by that is my face has a tendency to reveal just about everything that I'm thinking (especially the rolling of my eyes). As I've worked on that, I've discovered that other not-so-positive forms of body language are crossing arms (it puts you on the defensive); tapping fingers or feet (it conveys impatience); slouching or slumping (it expresses boredom); not making eye contact (it communicates disinterest) and staring at your phone (it's just plain rude).
If you are or he is doing any of these things, that's sending the not-so-subtle message that the date isn't going very well, whether either of you are verbally saying that or not. If you're the one doing any of this, ask yourself if it's a bad date or your body language is a bad habit. If he's doing it, it's OK to make a joke about reading what certain types of body language indicate and then seeing what he says in response. Hey, truth in all humor…right?
5.Be a Good Communicator
If someone were to ask me for the top reason why the first three dates tend to be a total letdown, I wouldn't say it has anything to do with attraction or chemistry. I'd say it has to do with poor communication (which is a top reason for why marriages end too). Y'all, there can be all of the physical sparks in the world, but if the two of you are not actually connecting, you're basically wasting your time.
What exactly does it take to be a winner in the communication department? You need to be able to listen (this includes letting others finish their sentences and thinking about what they said before responding). You need to ask questions (for clarification's sake) rather than going on the defensive when it comes to things that you don't necessarily agree with. You need to be tone-sensitive (if you don't want to be yelled at, don't yell). You need to embrace one another's individuality (they are not you, so they are not gonna think or act just like you do). You need to be warm and inviting (who wants to engage a person who gives one-word answers and doesn't have a pleasant attitude?). And, more than anything, you need to have fun. It's not a job interview; it's a date (which is a bit of an interview only, less stressful…if you let it be!).
6.Don’t “Fake” It
I've got a friend who, unfortunately, is going through a divorce right now. He didn't file; his wife did (actually, 70 percent of all divorces are filed by women). As we were discussing what ultimately got things to that point, one thing he said that I wish the entire world could hear is, "I don't know what makes people think that they truly know someone in a year. So many of us are bringing who we think someone wants to see on a date rather than who they are. Then, once you marry them, you're like 'Who the hell is this?!'"
He's not the only individual who thinks that way. I can't recall if it's Chris Rock or Bishop T.D. Jakes, but one of them said that the individual who typically shows up on a date is not us but our representative. The "best" part of us.
I'm not saying to present the worst side of you when you're out on a date (that's not wise at all). What I am recommending is if you want to start from a real place, begin with acting like a real person. Don't fake a persona, just because you think that's what he'll want to see. By the way, some signs of being fake is agreeing to things that you actually disagree with, pretending to like/enjoy things that you don't or even saying that you'll go on a second date when you know nothing is really going to come from it…ever.
7.Be Polite
We as women are always talking about chivalry, but it's important that as guys are holding doors open for us that we say "thank you" whenever they do. One of my male friends tells me all of the time that he doesn't care how good a woman looks if her energy is wack. And a person who is impolite definitely gives off bad vibes.
Unfortunately, politeness is a topic that doesn't get discussed nearly as much as it should so, just in case you were wondering what it looks like, polite people—are kind, they respect personal space, they speak the way they want to be spoken to, they don't force their opinions or perspectives on others, they are patient, they say "please" and "thank you" and they try and make others feel comfortable in their space.
We as women can set the tone for how well a date goes, just on the energy we put out alone. Be polite, require chivalry and watch how far this combo takes you—from the beginning of the date until the end.
Featured image by Getty Images
Want more stories like this? Sign up for our newsletter here and check out the related reads below:
5 Things That Are OK To Require On A First Date
The Things Men Say On Dates That Are Huge Red Flags
15 Date Ideas Based On Your Love Language
- Third Date Questions To Ask A Guy - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- 10 First Date Red Flags To Look Out For - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
- Here Are 4 Bad Dating Habits You Absolutely Need To Break This Year - xoNecole: Women's Interest, Love, Wellness, Beauty ›
Different puzzle pieces are creating bigger pictures these days. 2024 will mark a milestone on a few different levels, including the release of my third book next June (yay!).
I am also a Professional Certified Coach. My main mission for attaining that particular goal is to use my formal credentials to help people navigate through the sometimes tumultuous waters, both on and offline, when it comes to information about marriage, sex and relationships that is oftentimes misinformation (because "coach" is a word that gets thrown around a lot, oftentimes quite poorly).
I am also still super devoted to helping to bring life into this world as a doula, marriage life coaching will always be my first love (next to writing, of course), a platform that advocates for good Black men is currently in the works and my keystrokes continue to be devoted to HEALTHY over HAPPY in the areas of holistic intimacy, spiritual evolution, purpose manifestation and self-love...because maturity teaches that it's impossible to be happy all of the time when it comes to reaching goals yet healthy is a choice that can be made on a daily basis (amen?).
If you have any PERSONAL QUESTIONS (please do not contact me with any story pitches; that is an *editorial* need), feel free to reach out at missnosipho@gmail.com. A sistah will certainly do what she can. ;)
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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Do You Want To Be A Wife? Or Do You Just Want To Have A Wedding?
Even though it’s my life, sometimes I look at it and totally trip out over certain things.
For instance, even though I am aware that both Hebrew and African cultures put a lot of stock in the name of a child (because they believe it speaks to their purpose; so do I) and I know that my name is pretty much Hebrew for divine covenant, it’s still wild that in a couple of years, I will have been working with married couples for a whopping two decades — and boy, is it an honor when they will say something like, “Shellie, we’ve seen [professionally] multiple people and no one has been nearly as effective as you have been.”
Yep, me. Little ole’ never-been-married-before me. Yeah, y’all better quit letting people tell you what you’re called to do in this world. That is between you and the One who made you.
Okay, but let me stay on track. When it comes to the engaged couples specifically, who have crossed my path, something that I believe I’ve said to each and every one of them (especially the bride-to-be) is — “You better enjoy every single minute of your wedding day because you deserve a big ‘ole party for all of the work that you’re about to do.” And then I look at the woman as intensely as I can and say, “And you? Remember, you are a bride for a day. You are a wife for the rest of your life.”
Why do I emphasize that point so much? It’s because those two things are not one and the same. Hmph. Let me tell it, a huge reason why 70 percent of divorces are initiated by women, however, is because a lot of them think that it is. And so, in the effort to do my part to help make marriages last longer and cause the divorce rate to go down, I think it’s important for more women to ponder if they really want to be a wife — or if they just want to throw a big party (a wedding), go on a trip (a honeymoon) and not much more than that.
Buckle in. This one might be a bit of a ride (for some, at least).
It’s Time to Stop “Living for the Fairy Tale”
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while (and if so, thank you), it will not shock you in the least that I’ve spent many years studying the origins of things as they directly relate to marriage. I know that the engagement ring is not about love but about a jewelry company that was about to go bust. So, they came up with the slogan “A diamond is forever” and then made some serious bank from it (you can read about that here).
I know that white wedding dresses have nothing to do with purity and virtue; in fact, women in the Bible often wore lots of bright colors during their more-than-one-day wedding celebrations. Actually, white comes from Queen Victoria making it famous back in the 1840s. I also know that a lot of people were pretty obsessed with evil spirits back in the day because things like wearing a wedding veil and bridesmaids wearing the same dresses were all about hiding from said spirits. Another pretty popular wedding day tradition? Well, I’ll just let you read Insider’s “Here's the horrifying truth about why grooms carry brides across the threshold,” if you’re interested.
And as far as marriage goes, don’t even get me started on the whole “I’m living for the fairy tale” narrative that gets pushed incessantly. I’ve said in other articles before that "fairy tale" literally means “a story, usually for children, about elves, hobgoblins, dragons, fairies, or other magical creatures” and “an incredible or misleading statement, account, or belief.” Who wants to live for childish stories that are incredibly misleading? And the ones that have a character like Prince Charming in it? The Bible literally says that “charm is deceitful” (Proverbs 31:30).
Know what else the Bible says? It states that death and life are in the power of the tongue (Proverbs 18:21). So, what’s up with all of this wedding/marriage rhetoric that’s so popular and also, so… “silly” is the first word that comes to mind, “unrealistic” is the second and “unnecessary” is the third?
Why are there so many expectations, especially when it comes to the wedding day, that push folks to the point where a whopping 49 percent of couples end up going into debt right after jumping the broom — all because they wanted to live for the fairy tale and throw a big party that they basically couldn’t afford? SMDH.
It really is wild, just how much human nature tends to do things without even really knowing WHY it does it — even when it comes to marriage. And so, if you are someone who desires this type of union, be honest with yourself: what is your “why”?
When it comes to becoming a wife someday, WHY do you want to do that?
A man needing to spend three times his salary on an engagement ring, WHY?
When it comes to having a big traditional wedding, WHY is it necessary?
Marriage is a goal for you (and don’t get me wrong, marriage is a beautiful thing) — WHY is that the case?
When it comes to being married, WHY do you think it will better serve you than your single state?
Motivational speaker Eric Thomas once said, “When you find your ‘why’, you will find a way to make it happen.” And when it comes to something as big (and supposed to be lifetime lasting) as marriage, perhaps a big part of the reason WHY so many of them do not go the distance is because there aren’t enough “why” questions, on the front end, that are asked (which is why you should partake in premarital counseling before your wedding day). Oh, but there should be.
Because saying “why” you want a huge wedding is nothing more than “because I want to” or “why” you chose the man that you did is simply “I love him” — I’ve been doing this couples work thing long enough to assure you that those answers simply aren’t good enough. You need to know what it means to be a wife and why a marriage and a wedding are not the same thing…not by the longest country mile that you can imagine.
What It Means to Be a Wife
GiphyIf you’ve been reading my content for a while now, you know that I’m good for throwing some Scripture in; it’s a part of my foundation and I make no apologies for it. And so, when it comes to what it means to be a wife, the first word that’s used to define it in the Bible is “helpmate” (Genesis 2:18). A helpmate is a companion, a helper and someone who assists another individual — in this case, a husband.
While we’re here, a helper is not helping unless the help is actually needed and it’s good. Lawd, I can’t tell you how many wife clients I’ve had who have totally missed that part. So, what does “good help” look like?
- A good helper ASKS the person they are assisting what they need.
- A good helper does not try to control another person or make them do what they want.
- A good helper gets that needs can shift based on what is transpiring at any given time.
- A good helper makes things easier and less stressful.
- A good helper learns how to master good listening, effective communication, and wise timing.
And yes, in many ways, this is what it means to be a good wife. So, if you are someone who desires marriage, when it comes to what is required to be not just a wife but a GOOD WIFE, how much have you factored helping your man into the dynamic?
Not mothering him. Not bossing him around. Not trying to manipulate him into being a version of a husband that you would prefer. No, how much thought have you put into “Am I equipped to help another person be their best self? Am I ready to be supportive, encouraging, and nurturing? Was it even modeled to me, while growing up, to know what a proper helpmate looks like? Have I realized how much sacrifice goes into that type of role? Am I even selfless enough to be a consistent helper?”
I know this is probably gonna ruffle some feathers yet, you know something that I’m not big on? Women saying that their man should give them the “princess treatment.” Every time I hear that, the first thought that comes to my mind is “Fathers make their daughters princesses while men make their wives a queen” — and little girls are treated differently than grown women. And to that, Proverbs 12:4(NKJV) says, “An excellent wife is the crown of her husband, but she who causes shame is like rottenness in his bones.”
My point? There is a MATURITY that is to come from going from princess to queen. A queen does have more privileges, yet, at the same time, she also has way more responsibility. It’s not about sitting around and being catered to all day long. Queens have work to do — and it’s not always comfortable or pretty. Same thing goes for being a wife.
Y’all, I could go on and on (and on and on and on) about what it means to be a wife in a marriage. For now, I’ll just end this part of the article with, “If you’re not ready to help, each and every day of your relationship, you’re not ready to be a wife.” Plain and simple.
Weddings Are Not Marriages (and Vice Versa)
GiphySo, why do so many people jump brooms (I’m writing this with Black folks in mind first; jumping brooms is for us only), only to turn around and get divorced a few years later? Oh, I could go on and on as well about how a lot of people don’t have much integrity when it comes to the promises that they make. Listen singles, when you’re dating someone, pay very close attention to whether the person you’re seeing keeps their word — and if you do the same.
It makes absolutely no sense to keep letting someone slide when it comes to reneging now, only to act shocked when they do the same thing after saying “I do.” And while we’re here, being a man or woman of your word is a character issue. Maybe folks are not strong in character when it comes to this.
Yet another reason why folks will get all dolled up, stand before God, family, and friends, look someone straight in the eye, and promise to never leave, only to do just that, is because many people honestly don’t see past their wedding (and maybe their newlywed years). That is why you will hear so many people describe their perfect wedding day, down to the last detail, and yet, if you ask what their five-year plan for their marriage is, they have absolutely not one clue.
I mean, I get it — to a certain extent. A wedding is a big party where you get to dress to the nines, have people come to celebrate you and you get to have everything go your way — down to the font on the programs and reception napkins. Oh, but what a “trick” that can be if you think that your marriage is going to move like that, all of the time, moving forward. I liken it to The Bachelor franchise. Who wouldn’t feel like they are falling for someone when they’re able to live in a mansion with no bills, have fantasy dates that cost thousands of dollars, and a big ole’ rock that a famed jeweler donates?
Meanwhile, folks should watchUnREAL (the television series from several years back where some former producers of the franchise talk about what really happens behind the scenes) to get a reality check. To a certain extent, the same thing goes for marriage: while weddings produce this belief that marriage will be one big party where everyone focuses on you and everything goes your way, that isn’t even close to being the reality of being married.
Honestly, the real deal is 1) if you don’t want to learn how to love on a supernatural level; 2) if you don’t want your strengths to be refined and your weaknesses to be challenged; 3) if you don’t want to be held accountable in ways that you would never be if you remained single; 4) if you don’t want to compromise on a daily basis and, 5) if you don’t want to be challenged to become a truly selfless individual — marriage isn’t for you.
You’d be far better off just throwing a big ass party for yourself, just because (and no, I don’t mean marry yourself; you are already “one” with you; no need for that), and call it a day. Spare yourself and another person the heartache of divorce because…divorce is A LOT to go through.
Lawd, I can only imagine how much drama could be spared if folks simply took into their spirit that weddings ARE NOT marriages and marriages ARE NOT weddings. Weddings are a party to celebrate your union — yet your union? That requires daily energy, effort, and time. It’s not a party. It’s a relationship. BIG DIFFERENCE.
Please Don’t Get Married Until You’re Sure That You Want…BOTH
GiphyAnd this is why, whenever someone tells me that they are going to get married, I don’t immediately respond with, “Congrats! That’s awesome.” NOPE. The very first thing that comes out of my mouth is something along the lines of, “For real. Why?” WHY? Because, it never fails that, about 7.5 times outta 10, folks will be caught off guard and say, “What do you mean ‘why’?” and then follow that up with, “Because I’m in love” or…they don’t really know what to say at all.
Is being in love a good answer? I mean, it explains why you picked the person that you did; it doesn’t really explain why you are choosing to commit to them for the rest of your life, on a marital level, though. Are you getting married because you know that the two of you will make each other better people? Are you getting married because you want to raise your children in a two-parent dynamic? Are you getting married for biblical reasons like wanting to love like Christ loves his bride (the Church and the Church sent him through A LOT — Ephesians 5)?
Are you getting married because you think you’ve gone as far as you can in your evolution as an individual without the assistance of another? Are you getting married because you want to serve another person as they do the same for you (perhaps not in the same ways because you’re both different people)?
Is that asking the most? Chile, that’s not asking enough. I don’t care how much people mock marriage in the media by changing partners like they change cars or homes. I don’t care how much divorce has been normalized. I don’t care how much folks like to act like a husband is a 2.0 boyfriend (it’s not) and having a wife is a 2.0 girlfriend (it’s not) — marriage is special, sacred, and needs to be honored as such. A wedding should be seen as a happy occasion where two people publicly acknowledge what I just said…not simply a time to get a lot of attention and presents only to come home and go from heaven to hell in six months.
And honestly, that’s a bit part of the reason why I do what I do: it’s because I actually think the covenant of marriage is SO MAGNIFICENT that I want to make sure that people know, as much as possible, what they are signing up for — not an endless wedding; a very real relationship that will challenge them and mature them like nothing else ever will in this lifetime.
____
This was a lot. I already know. Still, it beats spending thousands of dollars on a wedding to stand before a chaplain only to spend thousands of more dollars several years later on a divorce lawyer and therapy while standing before a judge.
Weddings are awesome; you’ll get no argument from me there. Still, I think if I was to narrow all of this down into one statement, it would simply be this: “When it comes to marriage, if the thought of being a wife doesn’t excite you more than being a bride — wait. You’re not ready yet.”
Thank me later, sis. YOU WILL.
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