So, What's A Pre-Date Anyway?
Maybe you meet him at a networking event. Maybe even on Tinder.
You exchange contact information, chat for a week or two, and begin to feel a genuine connection with the person on the other end of the line. The anticipation of finally meeting up for a date slowly builds, so you set up a day and time to finally go out. In preparation, you go all out: nails done, hair done, everything did. The air of romance and the potential to be briskly swept off your feet and ride off into the distance with your knight in shining armor makes you feel like the next Meghan Markle.
And then, pause.
He wants you to just come over and "catch a vibe". This, ladies, is what is being labeled as "the pre-date". The new but not-quite-so-new way for a guy, or girl, to "temperature check" and feel you out with the goal of gauging whether or not you are quote-unquote "worthy of a real first date where real coins are spent." Simply put, it's testing the waters to see if he can get the goods without spending the money and/or making a real emotional or spiritual investment.
For millenials, there is no shortage of verbiage to explain away the foolery. We've had to deal with "ghosting", "breadcrumbing", "the slow fade", "benching", and now THIS?? Has "let's meet for drinks after work" replaced the traditional dinner and a movie first date? If you ask Twitter, it sure has. A debate has been sparked which might leave you wondering if there is any hope left in the dating world.
So, what is a pre-date?
Most are NOT here for it and have strong opinions on the type of men that would have the audacity to suggest such a thing. Some are even trying to intellectualize the phenomenon. But in true Twitter fashion, the responses turned out to be quite hilarious:
I was just having a conversation with a friend of mine regarding dating in a big city this weekend before I stumbled upon this trending topic. Let's be real, in today's world, the options for men are endless and the dating pool is quite deep. Sometimes it feels like they are treating women and dating as if they were shopping right out of a catalogue.
With the swipe of a finger, these guys have the proverbial pick of the litter.
Pre-dating is the product of this and many other things, but when did we as women have to prove our worth just to enjoy a meal and a good conversation with someone who was also seemingly interested in us, too? It's almost like a twisted role reversal in which women are now required to woo and court the men of this generation.
So, do we give in an accept a pre-date from time to time knowing the potential pitfalls of the interaction? Are we all ready to dump tradition just to catch a "vibe"? Perhaps I am a little rusty at this dating game, but I've been a victim of the pre-date. And while it hasn't worked out in my favor, I learned from it. I learned what I'm willing to accept in the beginning stages, what I value about myself, and what I offer in the dating realm.
And I've also learned just how many guys are really about this pre-dating life.
That is why it is so important to carve out what you truly desire from this dating game. Whether you write it out in your journal or specify it on your Bumble profile, that reminder can serve as a guideline on how you chose to move in this dating world.
Make no compromises when it comes to what you truly want out of life, because if it's not on sale, don't offer any discounts.
Featured image by Getty Images
Michelle Schmitz is a writer and editor based in Washington, DC originally from Ft Lauderdale, FL. A self-described ambivert, you can find her figuring out ways to read more than her monthly limit of The New York Times, attending concerts, and being a badass, multi-tasking supermom. She also runs her own blog MichelleSasha.com. Keep up with her latest moves on IG: @michellesashawrites and Twitter: @michellesashas
ItGirl 100 Honors Black Women Who Create Culture & Put On For Their Cities
As they say, create the change you want to see in this world, besties. That’s why xoNecole linked up with Hyundai for the inaugural ItGirl 100 List, a celebration of 100 Genzennial women who aren’t afraid to pull up their own seats to the table. Across regions and industries, these women embody the essence of discovering self-value through purpose, honey! They're fierce, they’re ultra-creative, and we know they make their cities proud.
VIEW THE FULL ITGIRL 100 LIST HERE.
Don’t forget to also check out the ItGirl Directory, featuring 50 Black-woman-owned marketing and branding agencies, photographers and videographers, publicists, and more.
THE ITGIRL MEMO
I. An ItGirl puts on for her city and masters her self-worth through purpose.
II. An ItGirl celebrates all the things that make her unique.
III. An ItGirl empowers others to become the best versions of themselves.
IV. An ItGirl leads by example, inspiring others through her actions and integrity.
V. An ItGirl paves the way for authenticity and diversity in all aspects of life.
VI. An ItGirl uses the power of her voice to advocate for positive change in the world.
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How A Stay At Switzerland's Luxurious 7132 Hotel Reminded Me To Live The Life I Deserve
Sometimes, as women—especially as single Black women—we simply need to be reminded that we are deserving of living a life we dream of. Even if that means creating it for ourselves. I recently set out on a weeklong trip to Switzerland, a trip I’ve been wanting to take for years, and near the end of my visit, I had an epiphany.
“DeAnna, this is the life you deserve,” I thought to myself as I took in the gorgeous bathroom in my suite at the famous 7132 Hotel and Thermal Spa. It was one of the most luxurious hotels (and bathrooms) I had ever stayed in—and that’s saying a lot for someone who often travels for work.
To help you better understand why this was such a mental awakening for me, I first need to give a bit of my backstory. I’m in my late thirties. I’m an attorneyand a journalist. I own a home and have traveled the world extensively. Essentially, I’ve done everything in life I set out to do. However, when it comes to dating, I struggle. Not because there is anything wrong with me per se, but because my career and “lifestyle” often create problems in my romantic relationships.
View from my hotel room
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I’ve been told everything from, ‘I can’t continue to date you because you seem to choose your career over wanting to settle down and have kids’ by a man after only the second date to ‘Maybe if you just sat down somewhere for a while, I’d actually wife you’ by someone who has honestly never proven themselves to be the settle down type. And these are only a handful of the things I’ve been told over the years.
It’s been frustrating, to say the least, and there have even been seasons where I purposely dimmed my light in hopes that my career wouldn’t push away potential suitors. I know what you’re thinking, “Girl, why would you even consider that? If they’re for you, it won’t matter what you do.” Hey, don’t judge me, but also, I one hundred percent agree.
My hotel bathroom
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That’s why this recent moment in Switzerland was right on time. When I first walked into the hotel to check in, I was blown away by the surrounding beauty. It was a five-star property with one of the world’s most famous thermal bathhouses. Yet, it was something about seeing that 90% of the hotel’s guests were couples, that forced me to sit back for a bit of introspection—while soaking in the thermal spa, of course.
As I went through the mental conversation, there was a battle of sorts. On one hand, I knew that being able to partake in experiences like the one I was having at that moment was important to me. I knew that, at times I actually love being able to dabble in the finer things—after all, I’ve worked hard to be able to afford them. On the other hand, and sadly, I knew that sometimes being a single Black woman that publicly showcases her “luxurious” habits can intimidate men and even scare them off from pursuing you under the guise of them feeling like they “can’t do anything for you, because you have everything.”
My hotel room
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So, what is a girl to do?
Do I minimize/hide the life and experiences that I have? Do I play down the hard work I’ve put in to get where I am professionally? Or, do I risk being single in exchange for being able to have said life, without backlash?
Luckily, the joy that I felt while being at this property won. There was something about taking a full day to simply pamper myself at the bathhouse and in my in-room steam shower and soaker tub, indulging in cuisine from a 2-star Michelin restaurant and doing all of this while surrounded by an amazing group of Black women that reminded me—this is certainly the life I was meant to live and that I deserve. Even if it means that right now, I’ll just have to provide it for myself until the right partner comes along. And honestly, I’m okay with that.
Restaurant at 7132 hotel
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