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Why Having A 'Frozen Five' Is The Ultimate Dating Game-Changer
The older I get, the more I am realizing that dating isn't for the faint of heart, or the ill-equipped. Despite swearing off dating to go on sabbatical, I ended up waving my Hot Girl Summer freak flag pretty proudly as I found myself going on quite a few first dates. The song and dance was the same. Girl meets boy over dating app by swiping right, we converse for about a week, and decide to go on a date. Sparks fly for one party but I'm left slightly underwhelmed. And the connection is started and stopped there.
I was today-years-old when I realized that the root of my dating issues and hot and cold feelings towards people I felt lukewarm about was, in essence, a result of not knowing what I want because of standards that were too easily met by any human walking this earth with a job and some coins to rub together. Sure, I know that I'd love to be married one day, but in order to get to that destination, I have to at least be headed in the right direction.
The problem was I had no real direction.
Shannon Boodram, who commonly goes by "Shan Boody", is on a mission to empower those willing to learn with the tools to acquire anything they want. In the world according to Shan, the power to have the life you desire is by playing the game effectively, and you can't do that without work or knowledge. In her new book, The Game of Desire: 5 Surprising Secrets to Dating with Dominance--and Getting What You Want, Shannon presents us with a relationship self-help book like no other that walks us through the different layers of how to level up and operate as our best selves in the digital dating era.
Dating with dominance is about taking your pleasure into your own hands and Shannon teaches us how to do this by passing on knowledge she's acquired about seduction, influence, connection, and flirting based off of 13 years of studying love and relationships as a sex/love expert. "Through that work and some of the books that I read, I was really able to transform my dating life," she shares exclusively with xoNecole. "From 30 until I got married, my love life, my ability to connect, the quality connections I was making had completely done a 180 and the Game of Desire is basically the same thought-child of all of these great books about psychology that really did help transform me."
Bottom line, you can do all the dating in the world, but if you let the wrong players stay in the game when you know they should be on the bench or dropped completely when their stats don't match up to your requirements, you are doing you, your time, and your players a huge disservice.
To remedy that issue, one of the many aspects of connection The Game of Desire touches on is the concept of a Frozen Five, the new standard for standards, which by all accounts is an absolute dating game-changer.
Here's why:
WTF is a Frozen Five?
Shannon defines a "Frozen Five" as the five standards a person must meet in order to qualify in your life as a potential long-term connection. The concept acts as a marker for what you allow in your space and what you deem deserving of your effort and energy. Shannon likened the fact that the "five" are deemed "frozen" due to the fact that they are non-negotiable and therefore should be regarded as basic requirements.
"Basic requirements means, 'Do not apply if you don't have this shit,'" she explains. "This is what you are going to require at minimum to be eligible to be considered for this opportunity [of dating me], and your Frozen Five is exactly that. Here's what is required of you at minimum to partner with me."
An Effective Frozen Five vs. Ineffective Frozen Five
The difference between an effective Frozen Five and an ineffective Frozen Five sometimes are "ideals". Therefore, Shannon believes an effective Frozen Five summarizes what you need in order to be successful with you, meaning choosing a partner that makes you proud to be you, while an ineffective Frozen Five means choosing a partner that you would be proud to be with.
"Idealistically, sure I would like a partner who makes seven figures. But if I really think about what satisfies me in a relationship and what makes me my best self—the version of me that I love being when I go to bed at night and I'm like, 'Today was a great day. I love to being me today'—the way that somebody looks and how much money they make could be cool things, but actually they're not that important to me."
She continues, "What's more important is that I'm with a partner who uplifts and supports me, and just part of my Frozen Five is I need somebody who's supportive of my work and of my good news; somebody who makes me feel proud of the accomplishments I made. I also need somebody who is securely attached because I'm a very flirtatious person and if I'm in a relationship with somebody who is helicoptering over, and you're telling me what not to do, it really gets my defenses up and it makes me very angsty; I can't enjoy my life or be my full expression of me in that kind of relationship. So as much as yes, it would be great to have somebody who makes a ton of money and looks really great and is going to be a handyman around the house, in truth, those things are bonuses versus integral."
How to Create Your Frozen Five
The Frozen Five's origin stems from The Science of Happily Ever After by Dr. Ty Tashiro, a book that inspired Shannon to compile a list of 26 traits that are essential to any romantic bond. What constitutes as your Frozen Five might vastly differ from person to person, but the purpose is to define your personal five by arranging the list of 26 things from most important to least important. To narrow your list down to your Frozen Five, play around with the order by writing them down on a piece of paper or on index cards and shuffle them around.
The list is as follows:
- Agreeable (easy to get along with)
- Emotionally stable
- Securely attached
- High novelty-seeking
- Supportive/happy for good news
- Intelligent
- Physically attractive
- Takes responsibility for self
- Unlikely to withdraw
- Has similar interests
- Has similar values
- Speaks my love language
- Good life skills (cooking, cleaning, budgeting, etc.)
- Wants children
- Sexually compatible
- Financially well-off
- Charming/humorous
- Trustworthy
- Faithful
- Strong leadership skills
- Follows directions/allows others to take the lead
- Highly ambitious
- Independent thinker
- Compatible with my friends and family
- Excellent conflict-resolution skills
- Has good relationships with others
- Speaks my apology language
Of note, there is always freedom to move things around, to shift, and make adjustments as you see fit while you get out there and explore. You can potentially value one thing more in this phase of your life than you do another in the next two months. So although the term is "Frozen Five", don't feel like your values are immovable.
Just like love languages, apology languages, and attachment styles, these things are subject to change as you learn, grow, and experience more life and love. "You're not making a solid set in stone list. This is not the 10 commandments that cannot change. This is going to evolve as you evolve and you can do this as many times as you want to," Shannon echoed.
What I found interesting is that before reading this book, I had been doing my standards all the way wrong. Whereas I thought things like my partner having a good job, having a car, being able to afford to date me were all important things to me, or standards if you will, I realized through reading Shannon's breakdown that it wasn't specific enough and could essentially be a one-size-fits-all where any guy that applied could have an opportunity to be with me. Furthermore, when I did my own list, "financially well-off" was way down the list.
In order to gain clarity about my direction in dating and finding meaningful connections and partnerships was to think about the things that established a foundation for a relationship and thereby relational happiness for me. Those things are as follows:
- Faithfulness
- Sexual compatibility
- Speaks my love language
- Supportive/happy for my good news
- High novelty-seeking
All other applicants need not apply.
If you want to find out more about Frozen Five and how to create the second step of this exercise, be sure to cop Shannon's bookThe Game of Desire, out now. And follow her on Instagram.
Featured image by Maya Washington for Shan Boodram/Instagram
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This article is sponsored by Hulu.
UnPrisonedhas returned for its highly anticipated second season, delving deeper into the complex dynamics of the Alexander family.
The series premiere comes a year after its debut season garnered rave reviews from fans and critics and earned record-breaking ratings for Hulu's Onyx Collective brand. UnPrisoned's success can be attributed to its raw, relatable themes and comedic appeal.
Inspired by creator Tracy McMillan's life, the show follows Paige (Kerry Washington), a therapist and single mother whose life takes an unexpected turn when her father, Edwin (Delroy Lindo) --who was released from prison-- moves in with her and her teenage son, Finn (Faly Rakotohavana).
Throughout UnPrisoned's first season, viewers witnessed how Edwin's incarceration deeply affected Paige's life and relationships. In the series, Paige unpacks her trauma through interactions with her inner child and her online followers. Meanwhile, Edwin is overcoming specific struggles with his own past that led to his life of crime, including a dysfunctional upbringing and his mother's arrest. As the Alexanders attempt to reconcile, new challenges arise.
This new season promises to further explore their unconventional family dynamic. Here are several compelling reasons why season two of UnPrisoned should be on everyone's watchlist.
The Alexander Family Life Is Still In Shambles
UnPrisoned's second season resumes where the series left off, with Paige grappling with the fallout from her troubled therapy practice and Edwin navigating life independently after moving out. Meanwhile, Finn faces his own challenges. The teenager is battling anxiety and seeking information about his father—a topic Paige avoids discussing.
The Alexander Family Are Attending Therapy To Resolve Their Underlying Issues
Amid the chaos in their lives, the Alexander family decides to mend their bond by confronting their past traumas. They seek professional help and attend therapy sessions with a “family radical healing coach,” played by John Stamos, a new cast member. This collective effort aims to unravel the complexities of their shared history and strengthen their relationships.
The process of unraveling each character's internal conflicts and their potential impact on future relationships may clash with Paige's textbook therapy approach. While Paige is used to being in the therapist's seat in both career and family, this forces her into the unfamiliar role of a patient during therapy sessions. This shift would compel her to look in the mirror and try a radically different approach.
The Alexander Family Learned A Big Lesson During A Therapy Session
In therapy, the Alexanders are tasked with addressing their individual traumas to salvage their remaining relationships. One of the family therapist’s eccentric suggestions was an exercise involving a family wrestling match. During this session, Paige faces tough questions about her refusal to share information about Finn's father.
While it's unclear whether this scene is reality or fantasy, the image of the family duking it out in the ring certainly makes for hilarious yet compelling television.
Paige Tries Dating Again Following Failed Relationships
Amid her life's chaos, Paige decides to step back into the dating field. However, her many attempts have left her with mixed results. The dating apps have turned out to be a fail, and an outing with her ex Mal (Marque Richardson), who is also her father's parole officer, doesn’t go quite as expected after he brings an unexpected guest – his new girlfriend.
The situation takes an awkward turn when Mal's new partner learns why the former couple split, partly due to Paige's self-sabotage.
UnPrisoned Is A Perfect Balance Of Comedy And Drama
As a dramedy, UnPrisoned takes a comedic approach to its heavy subjects. The show takes us on a ride with Paige's dating misadventures and navigating a friendship with her ex.
Other lighthearted moments include Edwin's attempts at CPR based on online videos and, of course, the antics of the Alexander family's unconventional new healing coach.
The second season of UnPrisoned is now available on Hulu.
UnPrisoned | Season 2 Trailer | Hulu
Feature image courtesy
Blair Underwood Initially Turned Down 'Sex And The City' Because 'It Was About How Samantha Was Fascinated By Dating A Black Man’
Actor and heartthrob Blair Underwood is opening up about why he turned down Sex and the City the first time he was offered a role. Many fans of the HBO series may recall Blair's time on the show in which his character was dating Miranda (Cynthia Nixon). However, he was previously offered another role where his character would date Samantha (Kim Cattrall).
During his interview with AV Club, the Set It Off star revealed that he was uncomfortable with the initial offer due to the character's fascination with him being a Black man.
“I actually did say ‘no’ the first time,” he said. “The first time they had offered the role, to be honest with you, it was about how Samantha was fascinated by dating a Black man and wanted to know if, uh, all of the rumors were true about our anatomy! And I said, ‘Listen, I’m honored, thank you, but I just don’t want to play a character based on race, on curiosity about a Black man.'”
But that didn't stop them from reaching out again. This time he was offered to play Dr. Robert Leeds, the love interest to Miranda and he decided to go for it. "So they were nice enough to call about a year later, and I said, 'Well, is it gonna be about race?' And they said, 'No, no, no, we’re not even gonna mention race!' And I think it really did only come up maybe once," he recalled.
"It did five episodes, and I think Samantha mentioned it once, saying something about 'a Black doctor' that Miranda was dating. And that’s really been a consistent thing in my career: not wanting to be boxed as 'the Black guy.'
"I’ve had that conversation with many producers along the way, and they were so great. They said, 'No, he’s just a doctor who Miranda meets in the elevator, and they have a nice little fling.' And it was amazing."
Blair has had a wide-ranging career playing everything from a lawyer on L.A. Law to playing Madame CJ Walker's husband on Self Made: Inspired by the Life of Madame CJ Walker. And during his interview, he revealed another role that he initially turned down, Set It Off. The movie, which is considered a classic in Black culture, stars Queen Latifah, Jada Pinkett Smith, Vivica A. Fox, and Kimberly Elise. Blair's character, Keith, played a banker and love interest to Jada's character, Stony.
He explained why he said no at first and eventually accepted the offer. "I had initially said “no” to that. Because I was playing this historic, iconic African-American historical figure in Jackie Robinson, and the time, y’know, there was Boyz N The Hood, and Menace II Society was out there, and I’d finished playing this noble Negro… [Laughs]," he said.
"And I’m reading the script, and there’s a scene where Jada Pinkett’s character—Jada Pinkett-Smith now—was going to sell her body so she could make some money to send her brother to college. And I remember, honestly, I threw the script across the room. I was, like, “I don’t want to do this. I want to do something uplifting for the Black culture and Black characters, and I don’t know if I want to see this.”
After a conversation with the movie's director F. Gary Gray and the actor's manager encouraging him to finish reading the script, Blair had a change of heart. What he first thought about the movie turned out to be totally different.
"So I finished the script, and I saw that the character they were asking me to play was really the love story in the midst of all of this turmoil of all of these characters, the four ladies: Queen Latifah, Vivica Fox, Kimberly Elise, and Jada," he explained.
"It was so well-written, it was such a great platform for them. And to be able to play the love story and the storyline that gave Jada’s character a leg up and a way out of this world, something to hope for, to wish for, someone to love her… I said, 'You know what? I’d like to be a part of that.'
"And I’m so glad I did, because that film resonates to this day. People all the time come up to me and say that they love that movie. So I’m glad that I did it."